The Day has come when I don't want to read H/D hatesex, it seems. o_0
Well, at least this fic
got me thinking about H/D (and my own fic to be finished in a month before book 7) again. Not talking about all the chan I've signed up for-- of which I'd probably end up writing one fic if I'm lucky, but hey, I have an excuse-- my mom's been over this past week & I'm lucky I could keep up with my email, at least.
Anyway-- Christ. You know what, I finally know how some of my more 'soft-hearted' Draco-loving friends feel (I think). I know I'm all about the rough & badass!Harry & realism but daaaaaaamn, I hate mean!Harry when he's that mean and that blind and that unreasonable :/ I hate the thought that I've RP'd or actually written him as that heartless, because okay, he's not the most empathic boy on the block, but CHRIST, he's not... relentless. He really wouldn't fuck Draco so callously-- or at all-- if he had so many viable issues with him, and in fact he probably wouldn't fuck him at all if he still actively disliked him. I know, I know, a bit late to be saying this now (after all the times I've halfway argued against the idea and all the hatesex I've read & tried to write) but DUDE.
I just barely skimmed that 'cause lizardspots said it made her like H/D even though she didn't before, and... meh. I -am- a shipper and a romantic and I don't think fics should always cater to that (and I often hate it when they do), but... honestly man, honestly, I'm sorry if I ever portrayed him this way because in NO WAY is Harry THAT bad. :/ I mean, this is making me want to take up my old redemptionista placards except for Harry, not Draco. :/
I know geoviki said this is how it'd 'really' go down, and... dude, how could you ship H/D if you think it has to be quite THIS fucked up to be 'real'. :/ I really hate the idea that fanon is one's 'only option' for halfway sane/healthy H/D. I mean, I like fucked up. I write fucked up. But... in the end, I'm playing with (IC) possibilities, not writing what I consider to be 'pure canon-realism'. If I did, I would need to make them really See each other, to understand or at least face their issues, because you know what? That. That is a lot more 'realistic' and probably inevitable than them fucking.
It's not that I need them to be friends or think they will be in canon-- though obviously I've got a soft spot for friendship!H/D. It's just... hatesex, to me, is all about violent emotion
and the intense way they react to each other, the crazy way they push each other's buttons. It's not about hate
or even rage, not really. In full blast, in actuality
, these emotions are extremely destructive and extremely non-conducive to relationships of any sort
, fucked up or not. What I like
isn't hate or rage, and luckily Harry & Draco don't really feel either emotion towards each other at full blast, not for real. Harry doesn't hate
Draco, Draco doesn't really hate Harry (though I think he really doesn't like him & it's mutual). Lack of liking and resentment does not murderous hate make, though. Man. o_0 I mean, I think Harry may be close to 'really' hating Snape post-HBP, but we have to hope he'll never really cross that border and become capable of Crucio-ing Bellatrix or Snape or even Voldemort, because IF HE DOES, he BECOMES LIKE VOLDEMORT.
And dark!Harry love and actual mental linkage and anger issues aside, Harry. Is. NOT. VOLDEMORT. As in, not sociopathic.
And yeah, I can tell that fic wasn't really trying to portray Harry as equivalent to the Dark Lord-- just as a reeeeeally angry teenager with reeeeally low empathy or emotional intelligence, but even in OoTP he was more frustrated-angry than purely unhinged-angry, and that's a serious difference. One reason I'm so insistent here is of course because I'm afraid I've written Harry like this-- as just plain mean, as unhinged, as someone who truly cannot deal with people's emotions or his own, especially when he labels those people as disposable or wrong or 'bad'. But unlike saaaay, Voldemort, Harry's shown himself to be capable of reconsidering people, of truly considering
people as they are presented to him, even if he jumps to judgments. He wants
to figure out the truth, to do the right thing, which is important! He never really means to hurt anyone seriously, not once in all the books.
He's a stupid teenager, yeah. He plays around with dark spells carelessly, like Sirius or Snape might have, yeah. But it's playing around, it's unintentional
, which is what makes what he did to Draco something other than, you know, attempted murder
, yeah, just as what Sirius did to Snape wasn't really attempted murder either, yeah? (Probably.)
So when Harry seriously thinks that Draco is better off dead in that fic-- hoooooold up. NO. As in, no way, no how, that's not Harry
. "So you're a fairy-boy," he said in a conversational tone. "No wonder Parkinson always acts like she needs a good, hard shag."
See, even that is too mean for me. *cries*
HAVE I GONE SOFT???! T____T I mean, my Draco might say that to Harry, but then that's because Draco's all about the bluff and bombast and overt, if often inept mockery, and Harry, if he said it, would have to be SINCERE, wherein lies the rub.
I feel so horribly guilty and nearly sick to my stomach about the post-OoTP non-connish fics I've written where Harry edged that line, now :( And btw, I was sick to my stomach then
, too, and it was supposed to be clear that Harry was especially unhinged at that time, not at all normal, and, and.... :/