the worst things (are the ones you love)

[reenka]

I just finished reading 'The Music of Razors' by Cameron Rogers, and I'm not sure whether to be glad or vaguely scandalized that I'm so disturbed and touched and... possessed by it. For good or ill, there's nothing in the next HP book that's likely to affect me like this, because in the end while I love the HP characters, I never felt this direct, painfully vivid identification, this sort of... emotional reflection with them. Reading all those fun fantasy thrillers where the pages keep turning and nothing really matters that much beyond entertainment, I forgot just how deeply scarred and haunted I can be by a piece of writing.

The thing is, I have a love-hate relationship with that sort of thing. I really don't like having my emotional toes stepped on, having my heart wrung out, but at the same time I guess if things ended blandly or in a truly reassuring fashion, then it wouldn't haunt me like this, wouldn't seem so powerful or memorable. Just like Suni (a character in the book) says, it's the pain, the loss that we remember; all the losses and fears that make up the core of our identities.

There are larger themes in the book, more mythological aspects about angels and demons and other worlds, but the thing that really matters are the bits that are just about Hope and Suni, two really confused teenagers on the brink of touching-- something (themselves? each other?) but being held back, unable to go forward but also not quite able to leave the past behind, except that sometimes the past leaves you, and there's nothing you can do about it except survive the pain and move on. Just survive, and change if you can, roll with the punches. Any time I read about that in a powerful fashion in fiction, it's like a fist to the gut.

And in the end, the bittersweetness and the pure bitterness of that holding back-- of Suni being unable to break through to the other side, of being betrayed by his dreams even as he (sort of) transcends them if not achieves them-- that is more painful to me than any character death, somehow. The way love can hurt you, not through leaving you or breaking you, but by merely not being enough of the right thing at the right time, or by giving you the wrong thing at the right time. The most painful thing is someone you love meaning well, so painfully well, even as they destroy you, and you can't even blame them.

Supposedly there's a chance for a sequel where we find out the ultimate 'fates of the characters', so that some of this horrid hollowness of lost or twisted potentials could be changed or filled, but by the time I read it (if ever) this ache would be a distant memory, so it doesn't really matter. The worst thing that could happen to a character you care about, though, is definitely not death-- 'The Music of Razors' shows that beyond the shadow of a doubt. That's why I said that about book 7 not really having the same potential for impact, 'cause even if at worst Harry dies to save his friends, there's no way that'd hurt me as much as what Hope did to Suni, who loved her, whom she loved, all without anyone to blame, really. All without a real choice made, even.
    To deeply maim-- to destroy-- what you love without even being conscious of the meaning of the act, while hoping to do good in some twisted way-- is there anything more intrinsically horrific??! It's like Maya's fic where Harry keeps Draco as a mindless 'perfect boyfriend' who had to do everything Harry wanted, except like, a gadzillion times worse in its utter spareness and the good intentions and Suni's remaining awareness/sanity, and.... :/

But I don't regret having read the book, the way one doesn't regret loving a person who hurt you. There some deeply wise things in there about the uses of fear, the necessity of our wounds, the price of love, the things that make us feel alive.

Comments

[two-if-by-sea.livejournal.com]

It's like Maya's fic where Harry keeps Draco as a Dementor's-Kissed zombie

WHY DID YOU REMIND ME OF THE PAIN.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

MISERY LOVES COMPANY :O

[two-if-by-sea.livejournal.com]

I SWEAR THAT PARTICULAR ANGST FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE. EVERY TIME I'M LIKE, WHAT IS A GOOD EXAMPLE OF A RELATIONSHIP WHERE YOU JUST KEEP FUCKING MENTALLY DEMOLISHING THE ONE YOU LOVE WITHOUT KNOWING IT, MY BRAIN/SOMEONE ELSE/SOMEONE EVIL IS LIKE-- MAYA'S FIC.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

CLEARLY IT WILL NEVER LEAVE US ANYMORE THAN KISSED!DRACO WILL LEAVE HARRY. :O BUT. AT LEAST I'M NOT ALONE. MY MOST HATED ANGST AND YET THAT MUST BE WHY I CAN'T FORGET IT. >.> *groan*

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

...AND LET'S NOT FORGET THE ONE WHERE HE KEEPS DRACO AS A MINDLESS PERFECT BOYFRIEND WHO DOES EVERYTHING HARRY WANTS..... ugh...

[two-if-by-sea.livejournal.com]

THAT ONE ACTUALLY HURTS ME THE MOST. WHY DO YOU KEEP HURTING ME LIKE THIS. WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO END OUR RELATIONSHIP IF THIS CONTINUES!!

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Well, to be honest, it actually is more reminiscent of 'The Music of Razors' seeing as it involved supernatural brainwashing techniques as well... Er. DON'T SHOOT ME, I'M JUST THE MESSENGER, YOU KNOW.

Hiyo! I love commenting on the LJs of people I don't know. :D

[nimgnoyk.livejournal.com]

For good or ill, there's nothing in the next HP book that's likely to affect me like this, because in the end while I love the HP characters, I never felt this direct, painfully vivid identification, this sort of... emotional reflection with them.

I swear that I love HP because of the fandom.

The Music of Razors seems like a book I'd read and I'm currently looking into it (And I'll admit that I'm a bit biased as I love all things Australian) so thanks for the rec! :D

And etc. as I agree with the idea that there are things much worse than death. I guess that's why some AU or Voldemort wins!fics are so painful to read.

And I suppose I should say all these things here too 'cause first comment!

1. I like your layout and how it's just that: your journal. Especially the yellow, green textures under "Questions of distance"; I love yellow and green textures. They make things seem so nice. XD;

2. <3 you all the more because you have that Seuss quote in your profile and thanks for that Rushdie quote! Exactly what I was looking for.

3. I enjoyed reading your gender post as I am getting into reading more writing about gender and it was especially a delight because it is fandom centric.

Much <3 though I barely know you!

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Hi!
Heh, I do recommend you read 'The Music of Razors' though don't say I didn't warn ya if you end up with emotional trauma :> And yeah, back when I was really in HP fandom, it was the fandom I really enjoyed. But then I got bitter about fanon and became a canon-whore, and things just went downhill in general. :>

Heh, I think that Dr Seuss quote is just something I have to keep repeating to myself so as not to freak out or get wanky, you know? Also it serves as a general-purpose disclaimer :D

I'm glad I made sense with the gender post! I totally feel awkward/unqualified talking about those subjects, but in the end they're sort of inescapable these days from many different directions, so I feel I have to think about. Funny I don't feel this way about politics, really :>

I also love people who randomly comment at me :3

[nimgnoyk.livejournal.com]

Haha. I was off and on with HP fandom for a couple years especially because I was only in it for the fanfiction and not for the actual OMG I FEEL SO STUPID meta that makes everything seem so much brighter. ; ;

Hah. Yeah. Nothing like a well placed "You're really not that smart or talented" to dose that ego. :x

A quote that's strangely stuck with me when I'm trying to be patient is the first two lines in Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby.

"In my younger and more vulnerable years, my father gave me some advice that I've been turning over in my mind ever since.

'Whenever you feel like criticizing anyone,' he told me, 'just remember that all the people in this world haven't had the advantages that you've had.'"

It sounds patronizing but it helps me keep my cool and reorganize my thoughts.

I agree that gender issues are becoming inescapable and that I feel very inadequate to be talking about something I've never formally studied. :[

Be sure to expect more comments from me! :]

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Heh, I was in the middle-- between the rock of (stupid) meta and the hard place of (bad) fanfiction. :> I guess I don't really have any issues with my intelligence, so no one's really managed to intimidate me... I mean, seriously, it's fanfic meta, not astrophysics. Puts that in perspective :> Plus, most people are just plain wrong. And of course if they're right it's because I agree. ;)

I try to be patient with people if I feel they've got the desire to learn or understand and the openness to ideas that may not immediately click that enables that learning. Some raw intelligence also smoothes the way, and it's sadly inborn rather than acquired. I do think that the people who're most frustrated with others are generally tilting at windmills-- or in other words, they're projecting enemies and causes onto inanimate objects that they should just walk around, really :>

[notrafficlights.livejournal.com]

OMG I love that book. :D

PS: Now you need to watch SPN and tell me how much you love it and meta everywhere about it. *jedi mindtrick*

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

One of these days, when I actually start watching television again... :D Though I saw a few episodes. One with the racist truck and one with the evil priest and one with all the dolls ^^;;

Heh, did you read the earlier Australian edition of the book? There's like, a new half in the American edition :D

[notrafficlights.livejournal.com]

Yeah, but you need to watch the one with the werewolf and the one with the pieandthehauntedtownandtheomgSAMMY. XD

O rly?

[scoradh.livejournal.com]

I really don't like having my emotional toes stepped on, having my heart wrung out, but at the same time I guess if things ended blandly or in a truly reassuring fashion, then it wouldn't haunt me like this, wouldn't seem so powerful or memorable. Just like Suni (a character in the book) says, it's the pain, the loss that we remember; all the losses and fears that make up the core of our identities.


That is so true! And I too hate venturing into those waters with my poor weak toes. Nowadays I hardly try any more, Marian Keyes is about as in-depth as I get. It's pathetic. But I'm going to make note of this book, anyway.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

You! Long time no lj! :D

...Hehe, and you were always the one pushing for the bittersweet endings and the lonely hearts band :> Gets to you after awhile, doesn't it :> Lots of people say they want happy endings (in fandom at least), but with me it's more that I dislike real tragedies (not those fake ones where someone dies or gets Alzheimer's or a wrinkle). They're pretty frustrating 'cause you just keep thinking about them & how -wrong- they are and how the world should be different which leads to all sorts of existential angst I don't have time for. Hmf.

But. The book is worth it :>

[scoradh.livejournal.com]

I noes. :(( I'm refusing to look at a textbook till 27 August though (unless I have to repeat an exam, god forbid). I think this is the pattern from hereon in. *sob*

Yeah, and ever since I stopped doing that my writing's gone to pot. I wouldn't say I pushed them as such, because even then I didn't like them, but that was the way the stories wanted to be written. And it's so, so true that sad endings stay with you. I can still bring myself back to Fitz at the end of the Assassin's books, in his cottage ... or Morningstar ... I suppose it depends what payoff you want yourself. HP fandom is far more accessible for bittersweet darts because all the soppy stuff has been done. PoT is like kindergarden by comparison. :D