(no subject)

[reenka]

I think for the first time, I suddenly really understood how the people who have huge issues with canon feel, being in fandom, though not because I do myself, precisely. (Not that I don't have my own issues with HP canon, but just the sticking around anyway and the whole... feeling a bit alone and somewhat oppressed, haha, etc.)


Yeah, I mean... because I definitely have the same sort of burning issues, except with fandom/fanon instead of canon. It's sort of like fanon itself is a bit like an out-of-tune violin screeching in my ear at this point, it's kind of ridiculous. I mean, and I can't write meta about it either, not the way I could if it was canon, because then it'd feel like a personal attack or like I was saying people couldn't enjoy what they enjoy, etc, whereas it's just that I get this allergic reaction and I want to purge, heh.

Funny, because I love the -idea- of fanon, I love shared worlds, and creativity, and going in absurd directions, so what's happened to me? Why do I see a picture of say, over-the-top cross-dressing!Harry and feel sort of sick because I just... no. I could say I don't want to share Harry anymore, but it's not like he's mine; but somehow it's not about JKR or canon-thumping at all, it's about my ideas and my convictions having become rigid, and I hate that but I can't escape it because fandom's not inspiring me to anymore.

Even fanart, which always made me happy, which I unfailingly adore... even OOCness in fanart is driving me up the wall now, and I suppose that's a sign if nothing else is.

Well, so maybe I still don't fully empathize, because I don't think there's that underlying love people mention that drives me to criticize-- I mean, there is, but it's so... painful, so basically I just avoid rather than dwelling on it. It's just not worth it when 95% of all fanfic and even fanart for my pairing makes me seriously unhappy because I don't recognize the characters, or the dynamic is somehow exactly what I hate, or I refuse to suspend my disbelief because I want-- I need-- things to be better.

So... it's not like I'm announcing that I'm leaving in the sense of 'no more fic from me!', but yeah... I dunno. Do I still want to the Witching Hour? The main reason would be to see people I know and chat about geeky canon stuff without wank, so I guess that's still there. I can't believe I'm even questioning it, really. I was so sure I'd be there, because I loved Nimbus so much, and I loved meeting fandom people and being a total dork every time, it's just so... sad, I guess, because I've really overstayed, overworked my tolerance to the bone.

...Well, enough moping. Back to Basara & sweet manga oblivion!
~~

EDIT - Er... it appears I'm just having moodswings or... something (stress??) 'cause then fishnet!Draco made it all better o_0

BUT IT'S CANON, DON'T YOU SEE :))

...AND THEN AMALIN WROTE ME TOM/HAGRID-- I AM AT PEACE WITH THE WORLD! ♥♥♥ :O

Comments

[black-dog.livejournal.com]

[continued . . . ]

And I think the orientation on resolution through plot rather than that good old "emotional necessity" is why I'm less inspired, 'cause I'm simply not a plot-driven writer~:)

Just one more point then. It's interesting, because in general I think I'm with you on the question of plot. I can't stand the way conspicuous plot devices intrude into otherwise lovely, meandering slices of life. I prefer plot to be either so minimalistic that you barely notice there's any structure at all, or conversely to be so contrived that it is really the whole point of the exercise, like in a detective story.

So when I implied that Harry and Snape and Draco might get together for plot reasons, maybe I wasn't careful enough about my implication. I just think the three of them are set up, right now, to react to each other in unbelievably interesting ways. And I think what you call the emotional compulsion for them to get together, in terms of the balance of their personalities, and the deepest needs of their characters, is so closely parallel to the circumstantial compulsion for them to get together, that it almost doesn't matter which is driving the process. And I don't care about the details of the chemical reaction, so to speak -- the "reactive potentials" are there so you can posit that the reaction will happen. If that makes sense.

I mean, look at the connections -- in this book Harry did the Slytherin thing, taking credit for the Prince's work, tricking Slughorn, basking in Dumbledore's attention as though it was only his entitlement. And Draco did the Gryffindor thing (Hufflepuff, what???), maintaining grace under pressure, and pulling off something truly audacious. They are so more potentially ready to understand each other. And Snape is the catalyst, the mediator . . . but stop me before my metaphor runs wild.

Anyway, like we said. Babbling!

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it's a "philosophical discontent", hehehe (I like that). Mostly... it's too early yet from new canon, and yeah, I don't trust fandom anymore (that was my overall point). Fandom is what drives me to write fic most of the time, rather than canon (since I'm a passive reader in terms of canon and an active one in fanon), and well-- yeah, I don't trust my fellow writers to somehow deal with HBP or even H/D itself satisfactorily to me because of what I went through after OoTP. I did a lot of serious hoping, and felt a lot of crushing disappointment and resentment. I'd -like- to trust 'fandom', but I'd like to love specific writers even more, and I don't have even 3 favorite new writers currently writing extrapolative H/D fic at the moment, y'know? It's either fanon-fanon-fanon or stuff like `Finer Than Spring', which gets recced mightily as canon-friendly and fascinating in plot terms with the reservation that the H/D in it happens too fast and isn't built-up to seriously. I mean. Jeez.

But regarding my DE!Draco fic-- thanks :D I needed to hear that, I think. I -do- seriously intend on writing it (I've a lot of work and issues of self-respect built into it now), I just... think I was maybe trying to encompass too much, because I -can- work HBP in and I don't know where to stop because this-and-this-and-that is interesting/worthwhile, but I can't simply let this fic balloon beyond what it was intended to do, as you said. That is really helpful :D

I mean, I admitted it wasn't built to take on all of HBP canon, and I should remember that while it could acknowledge it, it can't just totally shift gears and become -about- HBP canon or anything. I have to cut corners where I can't afford to just spend a whole new subplot (oh, I -shudder-) dealing with Snape and restructuring Harry, etc. Try to do the best I can with the fic I've got in my head, and remember this is what it is (a darkfic dealing with Draco's development, self-image, relationship to his father, his future and to Harry), and what it's not is a post-HBP this-is-how-canon-can-easily-go fic.

However, I do acknowledge & admit the possibility that writing fic in itself is what I need to get me into the spirit of post-HBP fic and what to do with new canon. Sort of your basic trial-and-error scenario.


I think it qualifies as 'obsession' in a way because Harry is -so- aware of Draco's habits, what he usually does, how he usually behaves, in a similar way that Draco is of his, I'd bet, and in a way Ron and Hermione simply -aren't-, so they would be lost and confused. His hunch is based on an intimate instinctual understanding of his opponent, someone whom he'd paid a lot of attention to over the years. It wasn't some random boy he saw take a walk without his mother, it was Narcissa, Draco's mum, who "would not have let [him] out of her clutches". I think he just... it's like uh, Batman would have a hunch about the Joker's motives and what he'd think like/act like & where he'd go, etc. Or something. So yes... it's not "normal", but neither is it completely deranged, y'know? Heh.

I do think of "homoerotic overtones as significant"-- definitely. I mean, I wouldn't write it otherwise :D But, y'know, overtones, built on a foundation heavily mixed with... something else to camouflage it with, something that'd stand up to some scrutiny. To follow canon, you'd have to allow a window of interpretation to cast shadows everywhere and a background of heteronormative standard motivations. Or something. It's only when the shadows stand up and start walking outside of fanfic that I see any problem~:)

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

I can easily admit Harry's got a queer side (man... that frustrates me, but I've gotta compare him to Ageha in `Basara'-- which I very heartily recommend if you want to see manga that proves its mettle to you, btw, plot and large-scale adventure and slashiness and a somewhat philosophical bent and humor, etcetc-- anyway, the author apparently got asked repeatedly whether Ageha's gay, what with the long hair and the cross-dressing and the dancing and the close hate/devotion relationship to his former owner's son-- and she said he wasn't gay, he's just got a little "gei"-sha in him. I was like, omg, FACEPALM, and then even moreso when there was a flashback to his pre-adolescent years and he actually -kissed- the other boy while he was sleeping, etc.) Okay, that was a total tangent, but the point is-- some characters just walk the line in terms of gender-identifying behavior and attraction patterns and so on, and circumstances seem to define how it's all expressed a little too conveniently, but then that's just life for you, I guess, and I do think sometimes people just never have a chance to get out of the closet in their own minds. That's what's fanfic's for, after all.

I really like your idea about the circumstantial and the emotional compulsions colliding-- that's great :D I do think you can "posit that the reaction will happen"-- definitely. :D Er, that remains out of my reach/scope/natural preference as a writer, though, all these threads coming together, though I admit it's natural and fine for it to happen in that way. If someone could pull it off and tell me, "Reena, here's this story where both the plot -and- the emotional build-up go hand-in-hand, feed each other and are mutual catalysts"-- omg, I'd be in high heaven. Yes please, thank you. Especially if they managed not to have Harry feel pity for Draco, not to have them be too mature (ie, like me and Amalin were saying-- boyish teasing please, kthnx), for it to be intense and conflicted, competitive and difficult rather than made overtly "easier" by some easily-achieved empathy loophole, etc. Like, I totally agree they're more "potentially ready", but I need an HBP-extrapolative fic not to take that for granted, to make them really work for it. Potentials aren't givens-- and I'll be damned if I sit through 108943084 more fics taking them as such.

I love your idea that Harry was more Slytherin than ever & Draco went Gryffindor in HBP-- I was only saying Hufflepuff 'cause I didn't want to go too far, 'cause I do think Draco didn't enjoy the recklessness or feed off it (he made himself nearly physically sick, I think), but rather did it for the sake of something else, like a Hufflepuff would, ahahah. I think he had very limited grace under pressure-- I mean, he did all his breaking down in private, but I dunno if I count that as "grace". Harry had grace-- Draco had compartmentalizing, avoiding, nearly cracking and desperately rushing to the finish while ignoring all possible distractions (like-- there's a contrast about how Harry managed to still have a life in HBP and Draco... didn't seem to). But then I'm always overly tough on Draco. It's such a nice hobby.

And yeay, babbling! :D