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Aug. 26th, 2005 07:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reenkaI think for the first time, I suddenly really understood how the people who have huge issues with canon feel, being in fandom, though not because I do myself, precisely. (Not that I don't have my own issues with HP canon, but just the sticking around anyway and the whole... feeling a bit alone and somewhat oppressed, haha, etc.)
Yeah, I mean... because I definitely have the same sort of burning issues, except with fandom/fanon instead of canon. It's sort of like fanon itself is a bit like an out-of-tune violin screeching in my ear at this point, it's kind of ridiculous. I mean, and I can't write meta about it either, not the way I could if it was canon, because then it'd feel like a personal attack or like I was saying people couldn't enjoy what they enjoy, etc, whereas it's just that I get this allergic reaction and I want to purge, heh.
Funny, because I love the -idea- of fanon, I love shared worlds, and creativity, and going in absurd directions, so what's happened to me? Why do I see a picture of say, over-the-top cross-dressing!Harry and feel sort of sick because I just... no. I could say I don't want to share Harry anymore, but it's not like he's mine; but somehow it's not about JKR or canon-thumping at all, it's about my ideas and my convictions having become rigid, and I hate that but I can't escape it because fandom's not inspiring me to anymore.
Even fanart, which always made me happy, which I unfailingly adore... even OOCness in fanart is driving me up the wall now, and I suppose that's a sign if nothing else is.
Well, so maybe I still don't fully empathize, because I don't think there's that underlying love people mention that drives me to criticize-- I mean, there is, but it's so... painful, so basically I just avoid rather than dwelling on it. It's just not worth it when 95% of all fanfic and even fanart for my pairing makes me seriously unhappy because I don't recognize the characters, or the dynamic is somehow exactly what I hate, or I refuse to suspend my disbelief because I want-- I need-- things to be better.
So... it's not like I'm announcing that I'm leaving in the sense of 'no more fic from me!', but yeah... I dunno. Do I still want to the Witching Hour? The main reason would be to see people I know and chat about geeky canon stuff without wank, so I guess that's still there. I can't believe I'm even questioning it, really. I was so sure I'd be there, because I loved Nimbus so much, and I loved meeting fandom people and being a total dork every time, it's just so... sad, I guess, because I've really overstayed, overworked my tolerance to the bone.
...Well, enough moping. Back to Basara & sweet manga oblivion!
~~
EDIT - Er... it appears I'm just having moodswings or... something (stress??) 'cause then fishnet!Draco made it all better o_0
BUT IT'S CANON, DON'T YOU SEE :))
...AND THEN AMALIN WROTE ME TOM/HAGRID-- I AM AT PEACE WITH THE WORLD! ♥♥♥ :O
Yeah, I mean... because I definitely have the same sort of burning issues, except with fandom/fanon instead of canon. It's sort of like fanon itself is a bit like an out-of-tune violin screeching in my ear at this point, it's kind of ridiculous. I mean, and I can't write meta about it either, not the way I could if it was canon, because then it'd feel like a personal attack or like I was saying people couldn't enjoy what they enjoy, etc, whereas it's just that I get this allergic reaction and I want to purge, heh.
Funny, because I love the -idea- of fanon, I love shared worlds, and creativity, and going in absurd directions, so what's happened to me? Why do I see a picture of say, over-the-top cross-dressing!Harry and feel sort of sick because I just... no. I could say I don't want to share Harry anymore, but it's not like he's mine; but somehow it's not about JKR or canon-thumping at all, it's about my ideas and my convictions having become rigid, and I hate that but I can't escape it because fandom's not inspiring me to anymore.
Even fanart, which always made me happy, which I unfailingly adore... even OOCness in fanart is driving me up the wall now, and I suppose that's a sign if nothing else is.
Well, so maybe I still don't fully empathize, because I don't think there's that underlying love people mention that drives me to criticize-- I mean, there is, but it's so... painful, so basically I just avoid rather than dwelling on it. It's just not worth it when 95% of all fanfic and even fanart for my pairing makes me seriously unhappy because I don't recognize the characters, or the dynamic is somehow exactly what I hate, or I refuse to suspend my disbelief because I want-- I need-- things to be better.
So... it's not like I'm announcing that I'm leaving in the sense of 'no more fic from me!', but yeah... I dunno. Do I still want to the Witching Hour? The main reason would be to see people I know and chat about geeky canon stuff without wank, so I guess that's still there. I can't believe I'm even questioning it, really. I was so sure I'd be there, because I loved Nimbus so much, and I loved meeting fandom people and being a total dork every time, it's just so... sad, I guess, because I've really overstayed, overworked my tolerance to the bone.
...Well, enough moping. Back to Basara & sweet manga oblivion!
~~
EDIT - Er... it appears I'm just having moodswings or... something (stress??) 'cause then fishnet!Draco made it all better o_0
BUT IT'S CANON, DON'T YOU SEE :))
...AND THEN AMALIN WROTE ME TOM/HAGRID-- I AM AT PEACE WITH THE WORLD! ♥♥♥ :O
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Date: 2005-08-30 01:57 am (UTC)But regarding my DE!Draco fic-- thanks :D I needed to hear that, I think. I -do- seriously intend on writing it (I've a lot of work and issues of self-respect built into it now), I just... think I was maybe trying to encompass too much, because I -can- work HBP in and I don't know where to stop because this-and-this-and-that is interesting/worthwhile, but I can't simply let this fic balloon beyond what it was intended to do, as you said. That is really helpful :D
I mean, I admitted it wasn't built to take on all of HBP canon, and I should remember that while it could acknowledge it, it can't just totally shift gears and become -about- HBP canon or anything. I have to cut corners where I can't afford to just spend a whole new subplot (oh, I -shudder-) dealing with Snape and restructuring Harry, etc. Try to do the best I can with the fic I've got in my head, and remember this is what it is (a darkfic dealing with Draco's development, self-image, relationship to his father, his future and to Harry), and what it's not is a post-HBP this-is-how-canon-can-easily-go fic.
However, I do acknowledge & admit the possibility that writing fic in itself is what I need to get me into the spirit of post-HBP fic and what to do with new canon. Sort of your basic trial-and-error scenario.
I think it qualifies as 'obsession' in a way because Harry is -so- aware of Draco's habits, what he usually does, how he usually behaves, in a similar way that Draco is of his, I'd bet, and in a way Ron and Hermione simply -aren't-, so they would be lost and confused. His hunch is based on an intimate instinctual understanding of his opponent, someone whom he'd paid a lot of attention to over the years. It wasn't some random boy he saw take a walk without his mother, it was Narcissa, Draco's mum, who "would not have let [him] out of her clutches". I think he just... it's like uh, Batman would have a hunch about the Joker's motives and what he'd think like/act like & where he'd go, etc. Or something. So yes... it's not "normal", but neither is it completely deranged, y'know? Heh.
I do think of "homoerotic overtones as significant"-- definitely. I mean, I wouldn't write it otherwise :D But, y'know, overtones, built on a foundation heavily mixed with... something else to camouflage it with, something that'd stand up to some scrutiny. To follow canon, you'd have to allow a window of interpretation to cast shadows everywhere and a background of heteronormative standard motivations. Or something. It's only when the shadows stand up and start walking outside of fanfic that I see any problem~:)