(no subject)

[reenka]

I think for the first time, I suddenly really understood how the people who have huge issues with canon feel, being in fandom, though not because I do myself, precisely. (Not that I don't have my own issues with HP canon, but just the sticking around anyway and the whole... feeling a bit alone and somewhat oppressed, haha, etc.)


Yeah, I mean... because I definitely have the same sort of burning issues, except with fandom/fanon instead of canon. It's sort of like fanon itself is a bit like an out-of-tune violin screeching in my ear at this point, it's kind of ridiculous. I mean, and I can't write meta about it either, not the way I could if it was canon, because then it'd feel like a personal attack or like I was saying people couldn't enjoy what they enjoy, etc, whereas it's just that I get this allergic reaction and I want to purge, heh.

Funny, because I love the -idea- of fanon, I love shared worlds, and creativity, and going in absurd directions, so what's happened to me? Why do I see a picture of say, over-the-top cross-dressing!Harry and feel sort of sick because I just... no. I could say I don't want to share Harry anymore, but it's not like he's mine; but somehow it's not about JKR or canon-thumping at all, it's about my ideas and my convictions having become rigid, and I hate that but I can't escape it because fandom's not inspiring me to anymore.

Even fanart, which always made me happy, which I unfailingly adore... even OOCness in fanart is driving me up the wall now, and I suppose that's a sign if nothing else is.

Well, so maybe I still don't fully empathize, because I don't think there's that underlying love people mention that drives me to criticize-- I mean, there is, but it's so... painful, so basically I just avoid rather than dwelling on it. It's just not worth it when 95% of all fanfic and even fanart for my pairing makes me seriously unhappy because I don't recognize the characters, or the dynamic is somehow exactly what I hate, or I refuse to suspend my disbelief because I want-- I need-- things to be better.

So... it's not like I'm announcing that I'm leaving in the sense of 'no more fic from me!', but yeah... I dunno. Do I still want to the Witching Hour? The main reason would be to see people I know and chat about geeky canon stuff without wank, so I guess that's still there. I can't believe I'm even questioning it, really. I was so sure I'd be there, because I loved Nimbus so much, and I loved meeting fandom people and being a total dork every time, it's just so... sad, I guess, because I've really overstayed, overworked my tolerance to the bone.

...Well, enough moping. Back to Basara & sweet manga oblivion!
~~

EDIT - Er... it appears I'm just having moodswings or... something (stress??) 'cause then fishnet!Draco made it all better o_0

BUT IT'S CANON, DON'T YOU SEE :))

...AND THEN AMALIN WROTE ME TOM/HAGRID-- I AM AT PEACE WITH THE WORLD! ♥♥♥ :O

Comments

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

I can easily admit Harry's got a queer side (man... that frustrates me, but I've gotta compare him to Ageha in `Basara'-- which I very heartily recommend if you want to see manga that proves its mettle to you, btw, plot and large-scale adventure and slashiness and a somewhat philosophical bent and humor, etcetc-- anyway, the author apparently got asked repeatedly whether Ageha's gay, what with the long hair and the cross-dressing and the dancing and the close hate/devotion relationship to his former owner's son-- and she said he wasn't gay, he's just got a little "gei"-sha in him. I was like, omg, FACEPALM, and then even moreso when there was a flashback to his pre-adolescent years and he actually -kissed- the other boy while he was sleeping, etc.) Okay, that was a total tangent, but the point is-- some characters just walk the line in terms of gender-identifying behavior and attraction patterns and so on, and circumstances seem to define how it's all expressed a little too conveniently, but then that's just life for you, I guess, and I do think sometimes people just never have a chance to get out of the closet in their own minds. That's what's fanfic's for, after all.

I really like your idea about the circumstantial and the emotional compulsions colliding-- that's great :D I do think you can "posit that the reaction will happen"-- definitely. :D Er, that remains out of my reach/scope/natural preference as a writer, though, all these threads coming together, though I admit it's natural and fine for it to happen in that way. If someone could pull it off and tell me, "Reena, here's this story where both the plot -and- the emotional build-up go hand-in-hand, feed each other and are mutual catalysts"-- omg, I'd be in high heaven. Yes please, thank you. Especially if they managed not to have Harry feel pity for Draco, not to have them be too mature (ie, like me and Amalin were saying-- boyish teasing please, kthnx), for it to be intense and conflicted, competitive and difficult rather than made overtly "easier" by some easily-achieved empathy loophole, etc. Like, I totally agree they're more "potentially ready", but I need an HBP-extrapolative fic not to take that for granted, to make them really work for it. Potentials aren't givens-- and I'll be damned if I sit through 108943084 more fics taking them as such.

I love your idea that Harry was more Slytherin than ever & Draco went Gryffindor in HBP-- I was only saying Hufflepuff 'cause I didn't want to go too far, 'cause I do think Draco didn't enjoy the recklessness or feed off it (he made himself nearly physically sick, I think), but rather did it for the sake of something else, like a Hufflepuff would, ahahah. I think he had very limited grace under pressure-- I mean, he did all his breaking down in private, but I dunno if I count that as "grace". Harry had grace-- Draco had compartmentalizing, avoiding, nearly cracking and desperately rushing to the finish while ignoring all possible distractions (like-- there's a contrast about how Harry managed to still have a life in HBP and Draco... didn't seem to). But then I'm always overly tough on Draco. It's such a nice hobby.

And yeay, babbling! :D