(no subject)

[reenka]

I think for the first time, I suddenly really understood how the people who have huge issues with canon feel, being in fandom, though not because I do myself, precisely. (Not that I don't have my own issues with HP canon, but just the sticking around anyway and the whole... feeling a bit alone and somewhat oppressed, haha, etc.)


Yeah, I mean... because I definitely have the same sort of burning issues, except with fandom/fanon instead of canon. It's sort of like fanon itself is a bit like an out-of-tune violin screeching in my ear at this point, it's kind of ridiculous. I mean, and I can't write meta about it either, not the way I could if it was canon, because then it'd feel like a personal attack or like I was saying people couldn't enjoy what they enjoy, etc, whereas it's just that I get this allergic reaction and I want to purge, heh.

Funny, because I love the -idea- of fanon, I love shared worlds, and creativity, and going in absurd directions, so what's happened to me? Why do I see a picture of say, over-the-top cross-dressing!Harry and feel sort of sick because I just... no. I could say I don't want to share Harry anymore, but it's not like he's mine; but somehow it's not about JKR or canon-thumping at all, it's about my ideas and my convictions having become rigid, and I hate that but I can't escape it because fandom's not inspiring me to anymore.

Even fanart, which always made me happy, which I unfailingly adore... even OOCness in fanart is driving me up the wall now, and I suppose that's a sign if nothing else is.

Well, so maybe I still don't fully empathize, because I don't think there's that underlying love people mention that drives me to criticize-- I mean, there is, but it's so... painful, so basically I just avoid rather than dwelling on it. It's just not worth it when 95% of all fanfic and even fanart for my pairing makes me seriously unhappy because I don't recognize the characters, or the dynamic is somehow exactly what I hate, or I refuse to suspend my disbelief because I want-- I need-- things to be better.

So... it's not like I'm announcing that I'm leaving in the sense of 'no more fic from me!', but yeah... I dunno. Do I still want to the Witching Hour? The main reason would be to see people I know and chat about geeky canon stuff without wank, so I guess that's still there. I can't believe I'm even questioning it, really. I was so sure I'd be there, because I loved Nimbus so much, and I loved meeting fandom people and being a total dork every time, it's just so... sad, I guess, because I've really overstayed, overworked my tolerance to the bone.

...Well, enough moping. Back to Basara & sweet manga oblivion!
~~

EDIT - Er... it appears I'm just having moodswings or... something (stress??) 'cause then fishnet!Draco made it all better o_0

BUT IT'S CANON, DON'T YOU SEE :))

...AND THEN AMALIN WROTE ME TOM/HAGRID-- I AM AT PEACE WITH THE WORLD! ♥♥♥ :O

Comments

[loftily.livejournal.com]

I never knew! You like Tom/Hagrid better than Tom/Harry, hahahahaha. That is the best thing I have ever heard. I LOVE YOU.

But I can't select comments on your journal, only mine! I am thwarted every which way! And that is probably quite enough about screening comments, as I can't think of anything more to say, we have thoroughly exhausted the subject!

Flkfjdsa I am not sure if you know how - overwhelmed, maybe? - I am to hear you say that, I am serious. I have sort of been floundering along because I am so weird about smut and I never wrote anything finished before and it took me hours of wincing and my beta reader refuses to read it (at least I do not do that), so I was like, maybe it sucks, I have no idea, what, and I even thought about re-posting and editing it out, I don't know! ella_bane called it elegant and I am not sure if I ever expressed to her how relieved and grateful I was to hear it, but I was still really sketchy and I don't know, anyway, this is my psychotic rant to tell you, thank you. Gosh, I am certain nobody else has these sorts of problems :">

I know, sexual attraction first is bad, but what is even worse is sexual attraction dissolving all hatred! It is okay if it is conflicted. Well, sometimes, as long as it doesn't turn excessively emo. Also, I realize some people actually do have sudden realizations sometimes, when pieces fit together, but it always makes me wince when it is the first paragraph of a fic, seriously. But I am also leery of fics where there is no explanation involved - see deleted comment - and it is like, Harry was just dating Ginny but now he is interested in Draco, no problem?

Also, I guess it's the fact that I don't see Harry or Draco as the sort of boys who would put physical urges against what they know and believe, you know? They are who they are, and I personally think they have to overcome that before they'd just jump into sex. It is partially why I dislike slut!Harry and slut!Draco, because it is just. Not likely. I mean, I see where people get it from, but I can't believe it? Possibly this is why I love J_H and PS so much. And I loved Olympia's hesitant Draco, although her sex-fiend Harry, augh, augh.

Oh my god, boyish banter! I have been skimming along with you and BD's conversation, and I think that, in the end, what I want to see is them getting to the point where they can be seventeen year old boys together. They've grown up, but they haven't, and I think the ultimate thing is them being able to be young again, with each other, even like you said, just teasing, or being boyish, I don't know. :(( Um, another pet peeve of mine (you are the one who is making me think hard enough to realize all these things!) is "I love you" in H/D fics. Only if it is done really, really, really well, and I can't think of anything right now except DT, because I just talked about it! Anyway, to me, the little suble things mean more, like being boys together or like, like you said. Seeing each other.

Also, what you said down there: I feel like... they're further away from each other than ever, 'cause while Harry was obsessed with Draco's evil-doing, it was a similar mystery-obsession as his fixation on Sirius in PoA or on the Ministry corridor in OoTP. I totally think so too. As much as everyone said H/D was impossible after OotP, I think - it's more plausible now, perhaps, as one doesn't really have to overcome the fact that Harry sees Draco as insignificant, but I feel like, even so, they have even farther to go. Which I like. That was my biggest fear for H/D after HBP: that people would now think of it as easy. It's not easy. And thinking of it that way makes me hopeful and wanting to write, a little, again, so perhaps that is good. :D

I am glad you loved it too! I am not all alone in the wilderness! I don't know, I also loved it because of the thestrals and the House of Black and gosh, I listed all of this stuff in your "Why do you love Harry Potter!" post, I needn't repeat it. :))

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Man, I love your new icons :D :D Well, I always do, but this time they're so... they make me nostalgic & happy somehow <3

Lots of people have smut-writing problems, though, especially if they're not crazed pr0n-fiends like me & shaggirl & addictedkitten, ahahaha <3<3 It's easy to feel like everyone's at ease with writing it 'cause it gets so much attention in terms of comments, but I constantly read people say how they're intimidated or embarrassed or just made uncomfortable by being explicit and stuff. It's a girl thing. I think I'm the weird sex-obsessed one, not you~:)) Though I always get surprised that as freakish as I feel, I'm not really freakish compared to people who really -do- view things through pr0n!glasses o_0 Anyway, you did well, mainly in that even though I knew you weren't into writing it, I couldn't tell from -reading-, and that means you transcended yourself in some way as a writer for the sake of the characters' and the story's integrity <3<3<3<3 Which is what made me so happy for you! :D Also, it was really hot and H/Dish (if that makes sense), so I reread it several times :))

I know what you mean about things being apparently random-- though lame explanations really get to me also. I do think that Harry's principles are important to him, and he wouldn't normally sleep with Draco just 'cause Draco's hot, which is why I so favor the scenario of the sex being a result of Harry losing it, y'know-- descending into darkness/rage, taking things out on Draco, basically it being an act of violence and anger and despair, etc. It's like... not a conscious decision in my mind, if it happens early on, more like a collision, a destruction of all rationality, and I do think there's enough of the 'monstrous' in Harry for that to be triggered, and that Draco would submit as well as enjoy drawing the dark out of Harry, feel the power in that. It's not pretty or anything, and it's not a -relationship-, but it's fucked-up misplaced aggression (hatesex, baby) and an attempt to deal with all those conflicted(!) feelings of helplessness and frustration, and before HBP, I could see Harry going there, y'know? Now... not so much, naturally.

"Young again"... man, that gives me a start o_0 Depressing, kinda, but yeah-- I want to see them just be boys around each other (again), and perhaps something about them -will- remain the same if you put them together, even if everything changes around it. That'd be kinda inspiring/interesting, if their dynamic could continue in vastly different circumstances. That'd probably freak -them- out as much as anyone. And I guess we don't really know the answer to that question (of how they are together) from HBP, since they didn't really talk at all in HBP. (I keep thinking about that, and it keeps freaking me out a bit.)

Oh man, I'm so with you with the 'I love you' thing!! That's definitely one of those things I can't write very easily if at all, because it just doesn't fit them-- I mean, I wrote it once in recent memory, and that `An Unlikely Pair (Like a Car-Wreck)' fic (dunno if you read it), where Harry sort of lost it and yelled it at Draco in rage, teehee. But maaaan, sappiness = nooooo.

I do like H/D being more difficult... argh, I'm caught up by my own rhetoric :)) I think it's because it's less emotional now that the difficulty level for me is higher, but it's not so much that I'd been balking at the difficulty so much as the sense they're not really my boys anymore-- growing up/apart, etc, that depresses me. It's just, a totally different world out there. Man... hahaha this is so how people felt after OoTP. I guess this is karma in some way :))

[loftily.livejournal.com]

I love these icons, too! I don't know why, but I really do. :D

Hooray, that is the best compliment ever. Really, I mean it!

No, I understand where you are coming about the aggression hatesex, I am just not a huge fan of really aggressive hatesex! Though I could see it post-OotP, too. To me, I imagine that "losing it" moment, that - almost, bringing to the forefront everything they've built up, all the little things rolling into something huge, letting it burst - as less of a sexual thing, haha. Like using Crucio, although not just, but it's kind of - the same kind of losing control, irrational thing, to me. I think in the aftermath of both, there's a sort of realization there, you know? And by realization, I don't mean, "Holy shit, I'm gay, and I'm hot for Draco Malfoy!" But you knew that. :)

I know :(( I keep thinking, they grew up together, in a way, I mean, all the same Quidditch matches and Transfiguration classes and Hogwarts feasts and, obviously they saw them differently, but it's like, they shared that! I am just a huge sucker for nostalgia and youth, you know that. I love the idea that something about them will stay the same, I don't know, and just, yeah. One thing I really liked about Finer Than Spring were the little moments of conversation where Draco would bring up moments he'd never had answered, like what happened to Buckbeak (Witherwings? Why does that still make me laugh!), because it really was like they grew up together, wah.

I can't remember if I read it! Do you have a link? Also, I can say I hate sappiness, but I wrote it for about a year straight, so I can't really talk! Like Draco, I have done some growing! :))

It is less emotional, but I still see them - well, not in Book 7, but in a fic I'll probably never write, etc. - having an outburst, you know, bringing up everything that was pushed down, that had to be pushed down. I mean, I see it as still there, kind of, and yeah, they've both had to grow up, but if they were just tired and older it would make me want to cry, I want them to still be furiously alive, I don't know. It's like - and you understand - that I still want Draco Malfoy to affect Harry the way nobody else can, to be something that no one else can be, sort of? I don't know what I'm saying. God, I want to talk about the last bit of the hugfic I was writing for you, but now I want to turn it into the Big Bang fic, but I have very little faith that I'll do anything with that, but then I won't have turned it into anything, and so!

It is karma, ahaha. We enjoyed our two years, now everyone else is frolicking in glee!

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Man, you're right-- that confrontation, losing it, bursting... thing... yeah, it is like actually using Crucio, isn't it. Um. Does that mean... well, y'know, the DE!Draco fic... um. I dunno if the plot -depends- on them having repeated hatesex in order to make the post-Azkaban stuff work, but. Now I'm like, 'but Harry wouldn't, yeah', and I'm just sort of stuck. ^^; I was just taking for granted that I could semi-believably engineer them into a sort of... a sexuality where they're taking things out on each other (stress, anger, frustration) without -breaking-, without that ultimate moment of... explosion, I guess? It's really different in approach from my -actual- unfinished post-OoTP H/D novella (and I'm guessing you meant you could "see it post-HBP" up there, heh), I didn't have them have sex at all-- I mean, there was UST, but it only broke slightly by the end with a single kiss (...and there was this thing with biting and drawing blood and coming in their pants, but). Um... the DE!Draco thing is turning into partly a post-HBP fic now, and... well, I'm really thinking about this ^^; I've realized a lot of it is just my self-indulgence in terms of liking them physical & violent and how that just works in with exploring both their dark sides, y'know, and it's not really realistic. Wah. But, um, definitely without the waking up in gay loff after said hatesex, nothankyou :D

And, um, here (http://www.livejournal.com/users/reenka/237241.html)-- I don't know what it says about me that I feel that's some of the most romantic H/D I've ever written. *facepalm*

I know what you mean about "furiously alive"-- that's where my kink for hatesex comes from, actually, ahahah (the more fury the better!... er). Anything but "tired and older" and waaaaahh. The lack of Hogwarts seriously messes with my head, it just does, and I know people've said 'well it's easier to write H/D this way, otherwise there's Ginny', but I don't care, I don't care. Wah. It's Hogwarts. :(( (Hee! Witherwings!!) They grew up both together and not, that's what makes it interesting. They have so much they share and yet they're so so far apart it's like they grew up in different universes altogether. Ahh, it makes me happy.

I hope-- I hope that'd happen, they'd blow up & everything that was pushed down, yeah, would... get regurgitated, I guess?? :)) It goes both ways too, though, I simply -demand- (imperiously!) that Harry be the centre of Draco's life (well, after his mum & dad, but they don't live with him at Hogwarts, see). It's sad of me, but I'm attached to the whole obsession thing, I mean, I -do- ship H/D ^^;;

And! Man! YOU HAVE TO WRITE THE HUGFIC :P The Big Bang is big and weighty and intimidating and too much to dive into all at once! And! So, we need... to test the waters. Practice. See how it goes. Play with a few ideas in a more manageable project. SO! I doubt anyone else will do it, so I have the idea of-- both of us writing the hugfic and releasing it together, at the same time, whenever the other one is done :D :D What do you think? I feel sort of inspired/encouraged by the idea of doing it together with you :D ♥

[loftily.livejournal.com]

You called Hagrid fat ahahahaha. Not that Harry minds, of course!

Okay, besides that. His whole body buzzed with the need to have it out, to throw something right in Malfoy's red face, but he knew it'd hurt him more this way, so he left before either of them had to see anything they couldn't forget. Waah. And the last half felt much stronger than the first couple bits, I think? I love great last lines, Something caught in Harry's chest that wasn't desire; that was more raw and painful and twisted, too wrong and too right. And he shivered again, because in the end, there was nothing else. Which is also, just, yes.

The Hagrid bit is still my favorite, though. :))))

I actually did mean post-OotP - I meant I could see how people were writing hatesex H/D to deal with how they were after OotP and how to get them to collide, at least. More than ever, post-HBP, I see them needing to work out everything before! Well, not everything, but you know. That is why I am going genfic crazy, I assume.

The lack of Hogwarts messes with me too! It was one of my favorite parts about writing fic, the hallways and portraits and professors and wah, their way of life, I don't know. And it is like, anything could happen now! At least before, it was like there will be the train and the Quidditch and the Sorting and now it is all up in the air, anything goes.

You inspired me! I just went back and wrote a little more tonight, so I am happier now, and interested again. Yes, water-testing! The other thing is, the first Big Bang Challenge came after over a year and a half of recovering from OotP, thinking about it, writing little fics, etc, and this is right after HBP, so it's very - less time to sort of process everything, read a variety of things, write a variety of things, etc. But hooray, I am excited about the hugfic now. I am at twenty four pages now, gosh! It is long! But I am encouraged and well, I won't be done by the 30th, but it won't be months or anything. ♥!

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Hee :D At first I thought you were accusing -me- of calling Hagrid fat :)) ♥

I know what you mean about things having to be worked out more before hand post-HBP... which is probably why I'm less inspired to write it, also :)) I likes my hatesex, pretty... um. ^^;; No, I mean, it's just that I write one-shots and mood and character pieces a lot and this is v. difficult with this set-up, everything needs build-up, build-up, more build-up... then more build-up.... *tears out hair* I'm not a novel writer! (Yet? Er??) And my present story, the only thing I think I'll write that's novella-length & post-HBP (let's face it, that's pretty much true) is dependent (though I dunno to what degree) on their issues -not- being worked out & Draco going the worst possible path & going to Azkaban and etcetc. ^^;; Then again, I like writing darkfic, dammit :)) Even my novella where I tried exploring post-OoTP dynamics seriously was basically a darkfic... I can't actually imagine writing a fic that was H/D that was really positive all the way through rather than just hopeful at the end.... This is a personal thing, of course~:)

I think 'anything goes' is a good thing for a writer, it's just... less inspiring for a fanficcer?? I dunno, depends what your shtick is, I guess. I think I got used to writing Hogwarts fic and that's where my comfort zone as well as my imaginative home is, if that makes sense (like, I have a Hogwarts in my head but not so much a Hogsmeade or a London) though honestly, most of my DE!Draco fic isn't at Hogwarts. I'm really breaking all my own rules with this thing. Le sigh~:)

YEAY! :D Yeah, we did have time, before-- it wasn't my preference to have Big Bang again so soon, but everyone's all pumped & excited, so I was like, 'okay'. And not that I mind getting lots of fanart for my DE!Draco fic. HAHAH. *greeeeeeed* I won't be done by the 30th either, clearly, but I've been venturing forward with it, actually, and it's been helping me get small glimmerings of HBP!Harry, though he's still too reflective. My Harry's ALWAYS too reflective. WOE :D And ♥ *also excited now!*