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Aug. 26th, 2005 07:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reenkaI think for the first time, I suddenly really understood how the people who have huge issues with canon feel, being in fandom, though not because I do myself, precisely. (Not that I don't have my own issues with HP canon, but just the sticking around anyway and the whole... feeling a bit alone and somewhat oppressed, haha, etc.)
Yeah, I mean... because I definitely have the same sort of burning issues, except with fandom/fanon instead of canon. It's sort of like fanon itself is a bit like an out-of-tune violin screeching in my ear at this point, it's kind of ridiculous. I mean, and I can't write meta about it either, not the way I could if it was canon, because then it'd feel like a personal attack or like I was saying people couldn't enjoy what they enjoy, etc, whereas it's just that I get this allergic reaction and I want to purge, heh.
Funny, because I love the -idea- of fanon, I love shared worlds, and creativity, and going in absurd directions, so what's happened to me? Why do I see a picture of say, over-the-top cross-dressing!Harry and feel sort of sick because I just... no. I could say I don't want to share Harry anymore, but it's not like he's mine; but somehow it's not about JKR or canon-thumping at all, it's about my ideas and my convictions having become rigid, and I hate that but I can't escape it because fandom's not inspiring me to anymore.
Even fanart, which always made me happy, which I unfailingly adore... even OOCness in fanart is driving me up the wall now, and I suppose that's a sign if nothing else is.
Well, so maybe I still don't fully empathize, because I don't think there's that underlying love people mention that drives me to criticize-- I mean, there is, but it's so... painful, so basically I just avoid rather than dwelling on it. It's just not worth it when 95% of all fanfic and even fanart for my pairing makes me seriously unhappy because I don't recognize the characters, or the dynamic is somehow exactly what I hate, or I refuse to suspend my disbelief because I want-- I need-- things to be better.
So... it's not like I'm announcing that I'm leaving in the sense of 'no more fic from me!', but yeah... I dunno. Do I still want to the Witching Hour? The main reason would be to see people I know and chat about geeky canon stuff without wank, so I guess that's still there. I can't believe I'm even questioning it, really. I was so sure I'd be there, because I loved Nimbus so much, and I loved meeting fandom people and being a total dork every time, it's just so... sad, I guess, because I've really overstayed, overworked my tolerance to the bone.
...Well, enough moping. Back to Basara & sweet manga oblivion!
~~
EDIT - Er... it appears I'm just having moodswings or... something (stress??) 'cause then fishnet!Draco made it all better o_0
BUT IT'S CANON, DON'T YOU SEE :))
...AND THEN AMALIN WROTE ME TOM/HAGRID-- I AM AT PEACE WITH THE WORLD! ♥♥♥ :O
Yeah, I mean... because I definitely have the same sort of burning issues, except with fandom/fanon instead of canon. It's sort of like fanon itself is a bit like an out-of-tune violin screeching in my ear at this point, it's kind of ridiculous. I mean, and I can't write meta about it either, not the way I could if it was canon, because then it'd feel like a personal attack or like I was saying people couldn't enjoy what they enjoy, etc, whereas it's just that I get this allergic reaction and I want to purge, heh.
Funny, because I love the -idea- of fanon, I love shared worlds, and creativity, and going in absurd directions, so what's happened to me? Why do I see a picture of say, over-the-top cross-dressing!Harry and feel sort of sick because I just... no. I could say I don't want to share Harry anymore, but it's not like he's mine; but somehow it's not about JKR or canon-thumping at all, it's about my ideas and my convictions having become rigid, and I hate that but I can't escape it because fandom's not inspiring me to anymore.
Even fanart, which always made me happy, which I unfailingly adore... even OOCness in fanart is driving me up the wall now, and I suppose that's a sign if nothing else is.
Well, so maybe I still don't fully empathize, because I don't think there's that underlying love people mention that drives me to criticize-- I mean, there is, but it's so... painful, so basically I just avoid rather than dwelling on it. It's just not worth it when 95% of all fanfic and even fanart for my pairing makes me seriously unhappy because I don't recognize the characters, or the dynamic is somehow exactly what I hate, or I refuse to suspend my disbelief because I want-- I need-- things to be better.
So... it's not like I'm announcing that I'm leaving in the sense of 'no more fic from me!', but yeah... I dunno. Do I still want to the Witching Hour? The main reason would be to see people I know and chat about geeky canon stuff without wank, so I guess that's still there. I can't believe I'm even questioning it, really. I was so sure I'd be there, because I loved Nimbus so much, and I loved meeting fandom people and being a total dork every time, it's just so... sad, I guess, because I've really overstayed, overworked my tolerance to the bone.
...Well, enough moping. Back to Basara & sweet manga oblivion!
~~
EDIT - Er... it appears I'm just having moodswings or... something (stress??) 'cause then fishnet!Draco made it all better o_0
BUT IT'S CANON, DON'T YOU SEE :))
...AND THEN AMALIN WROTE ME TOM/HAGRID-- I AM AT PEACE WITH THE WORLD! ♥♥♥ :O
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Date: 2005-08-29 05:21 am (UTC)Okay, besides that. His whole body buzzed with the need to have it out, to throw something right in Malfoy's red face, but he knew it'd hurt him more this way, so he left before either of them had to see anything they couldn't forget. Waah. And the last half felt much stronger than the first couple bits, I think? I love great last lines, Something caught in Harry's chest that wasn't desire; that was more raw and painful and twisted, too wrong and too right. And he shivered again, because in the end, there was nothing else. Which is also, just, yes.
The Hagrid bit is still my favorite, though. :))))
I actually did mean post-OotP - I meant I could see how people were writing hatesex H/D to deal with how they were after OotP and how to get them to collide, at least. More than ever, post-HBP, I see them needing to work out everything before! Well, not everything, but you know. That is why I am going genfic crazy, I assume.
The lack of Hogwarts messes with me too! It was one of my favorite parts about writing fic, the hallways and portraits and professors and wah, their way of life, I don't know. And it is like, anything could happen now! At least before, it was like there will be the train and the Quidditch and the Sorting and now it is all up in the air, anything goes.
You inspired me! I just went back and wrote a little more tonight, so I am happier now, and interested again. Yes, water-testing! The other thing is, the first Big Bang Challenge came after over a year and a half of recovering from OotP, thinking about it, writing little fics, etc, and this is right after HBP, so it's very - less time to sort of process everything, read a variety of things, write a variety of things, etc. But hooray, I am excited about the hugfic now. I am at twenty four pages now, gosh! It is long! But I am encouraged and well, I won't be done by the 30th, but it won't be months or anything. ♥!
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Date: 2005-08-29 07:10 am (UTC)I know what you mean about things having to be worked out more before hand post-HBP... which is probably why I'm less inspired to write it, also :)) I likes my hatesex, pretty... um. ^^;; No, I mean, it's just that I write one-shots and mood and character pieces a lot and this is v. difficult with this set-up, everything needs build-up, build-up, more build-up... then more build-up.... *tears out hair* I'm not a novel writer! (Yet? Er??) And my present story, the only thing I think I'll write that's novella-length & post-HBP (let's face it, that's pretty much true) is dependent (though I dunno to what degree) on their issues -not- being worked out & Draco going the worst possible path & going to Azkaban and etcetc. ^^;; Then again, I like writing darkfic, dammit :)) Even my novella where I tried exploring post-OoTP dynamics seriously was basically a darkfic... I can't actually imagine writing a fic that was H/D that was really positive all the way through rather than just hopeful at the end.... This is a personal thing, of course~:)
I think 'anything goes' is a good thing for a writer, it's just... less inspiring for a fanficcer?? I dunno, depends what your shtick is, I guess. I think I got used to writing Hogwarts fic and that's where my comfort zone as well as my imaginative home is, if that makes sense (like, I have a Hogwarts in my head but not so much a Hogsmeade or a London) though honestly, most of my DE!Draco fic isn't at Hogwarts. I'm really breaking all my own rules with this thing. Le sigh~:)
YEAY! :D Yeah, we did have time, before-- it wasn't my preference to have Big Bang again so soon, but everyone's all pumped & excited, so I was like, 'okay'. And not that I mind getting lots of fanart for my DE!Draco fic. HAHAH. *greeeeeeed* I won't be done by the 30th either, clearly, but I've been venturing forward with it, actually, and it's been helping me get small glimmerings of HBP!Harry, though he's still too reflective. My Harry's ALWAYS too reflective. WOE :D And ♥ *also excited now!*