~~wherein reena ponders teenage boy-wizard normality....

after reading epicyclical's recent post, i got to thinking.... about well, ``teenage-boyness". specifically, how very very far away i am from ever even hoping to capture that elusive quality in my own writing. it does depress me, somewhat. i see guys-- in real life-- some of them look like draco, even. and i'm like, oh my god, this creature in front of me does not exist in my head. he's like a sphinx. an intimidating sort of creature, that gives you weird shivers, and makes you think of ice-cream, because it's definitely hot in here, isn't it??

what is he thinking?? how do i know??
i realize that harry & draco aren't exactly "normal"-- then again, no one says the boys i see are "normal" either-- what is normal, after all? but i'm pretty sure that my writing teenage boys is laughable, completely, even in concept, considering my level of experience with such. i didn't even try it before this whole fanfic craze happened-- i went around, happily pondering teenage girls, just my cup of tea, usually, thankyouverymuch. actually, i can't guarrantee those were any more realistic (me? realism??), but. i wasn't as lost-- it was just a matter of polish.

( on the other hand... and that third hand... and .... )

P.S. ~~tell me if this looks like draco & harry-- and harry's supposed to look "blissful". hmm. but, i'm happy with the hands, at least~:)

P.P.S. ~~sangredulce's H(x)/D(x) = x^3 sec(x) makes me wish love was geometry and passion was elegant as a proof. which is-- i don't know-- not that easy~:) and how do any of you come up with this stuff??! ack, i don't meet all these brilliant people, and yet they apparently exist. like society's secret brilliant avant-garde underbelly. hmm. poetry & prose & numbers. and green antarctic ice. that's important, too. mm. the details always kill me.

~~everyflavor.

can never decide-- do i want to be beautiful, or just lose myself in beauty. do i feel bad that i don't produce things that feel better than orgasms (as far as art), or do i just want to wallow in the endless orgasmic art of others...?
am at lab, consulting. this girl-- comes up, to ask me a question. i'm like, shy and i can't believe i actually talk to people (as far as a "job", if you can call it that)-- all kinds of people-- without even acting like a complete dork. this last girl....

yea.

she leans over the counter. she's blonde, she's slender, she looks like buttercup, and she has huge guileless blue eyes-- and of course, cleavage. she looks me straight in the eye, and says something. like i'm a person. like, a normal person. that she would ever notice. and i mean, ever. i think this a lot. these people would never talk to me. and yet, here they are. acting like i exist-- like i'm normal-- like anything. existing is a kick. oh....yes.

i must sound pathetic, but oh well.
it's not like i want fame. it's not like i want attention, even-- well-- not the kind of attention that being that girl would give me. so... do i want her, or what she has? and what if it's neither. she's just-- a princess. and i always wanted to be something-- a princess, a fool, a knight, a rogue-- something.

being in her presence for like, 3 minutes, made me feel more alive. happier. looking into someone's eyes, and having them be look back-- without any romantic connotation-- just-- it's like, they see you. it's a thrill.
especially if the person who's seeing you is drop-dead gorgeous of course :>

drop dead fred. i liked that movie a lot.
i always had this need-- for years now, anyway-- to be around the brilliance i come in random, small contact with. all those writers-- all those artists-- all the people i find beautiful inside or out.... it's painful knowing they're there, but never having them know you are there, too. hm. well. pointless entry, but hey.
~~

oh...
my...
god...

*dies*
i just thought, "life is just a box of bertie bott's everyflavor beans".
aaaaargh *runs away, screaming, having resurrected*

that is all.

...meep..!

how is it?
how do i manage to fall in love with this fandom, and with harry&draco, over and over again, every single bloody day?
everyone ...is just ... brilliant.
    ok, so right now it's silviakundera and this.... *happy sigh* anyone who thinks h/d don't work should just, read that. hee~! canon!draco is so adorable i think i could die *giggles*

it's so weird, thinking how so many of my favorite writers in the fandom have been around for awhile, and so many have moved beyond harry/draco, and are even starting to drift away towards (inevitably) smallville, it seems-- whereas i'm still the starry-eyed one, clinging to her newfound addictive tingly sensation-- that veritable peppermint patty of fandoms-- mmm, harry potter slash~:)
    i think i'll re-read irresistible poison to celebrate. mm.