...untitled.

[reenka]

it's funny, finding out you're not alone and it not mattering.

i was looking at cellardoor's old journal somewhat randomly, where she says she thinks of what to say on her lj and mostly can't come up with anything, and how she writes for her friends rather than for herself. witchbabie was for myself. this was always intended to be found, just because i thought linking things was useful. i never intended to talk about `meta' (whatever -that- is, since it's just what i think about, to me), so i don't know if i'd ever thought that was public. but its nature, of course, it seems that `serious' analysis-type stuff should be public, but then, i'm not serious, i'm just rambly. and yet i want feedback, of course. almost always.

i don't want feedback there. i mean, it's okay. and that's a weird feeling. i'm talking to myself but i also know i'm talking to -them-, but since i know (most of) them, it doesn't really bother me-- the silence, i mean. i was always okay with silence. and yet, i find that more than anything, i want to -talk-. not just to myself. i want to talk to my friends, and that's why i post, a lot of the time, even when i have nothing to say, really. i can always find something to say, after all.

i don't think anyone really realizes that. i dunno if i want them to. i do wonder what people think of me-- whether i seem completely lost in my own little abstractified world (well, it's true) and i don't seem -real- at all (like sara says) or whether... i dunno... whether i'm just like a column in a newspaper, like stephen says. i want to be a person. i don't want to be a service, though that's nice. sometimes i think most people online don't see -me-, because the things i say obscure me and reveal something else, something about -them-. which is interesting. i like that. but i feel lost.

i've tried adding people with the other journal without saying anything (and they didn't add me back), but that's a rather awkward and silly way to say, "hey, i like you, i want you to know me". and then i imagine they don't want to know me, but since they have this one friended, they want to know my... what... fandomy ideas(?) even though they mostly don't respond. and i shouldn't take response for interest, but it does correlate somehow, doesn't it?

maybe i should just post here all the time-- i do want to be a whole person-- except that amalin and ish only really respond there, and i'd miss them. and i don't want to just post -there-, because aja & cassie & well, a bunch of you only read -this-. but i don't want to split myself into parts-- this part thinks about this and this part thinks about -that-. i just -am-. on the other hand, i still cling to my original idea of having a fic weblog. it's not a fic weblog anymore at all-- it just meanders and rambles and. people probably think they like me, but they shake their heads, too. and i want to be one of them. i want to be -real-.

i know i said i think literary theory-type stuff should be public, but more and more, the idea of a limited audience appeals to me. maybe i'm getting burnt out in some serious way. i'm tired of the hugeness, of the constant overturn of online fandom, of being so specialized. all the people constantly flitting in and out, saying hi and then going away again, all the random strangers friending me, etc. it feels both like i'm talking to myself and to this huge group of people and yet neither at once, and this would all be fine if i had more "real-life" friends, but i don't.

i was going to post this on witchbabie, but then i didn't. usually, i only post things i consider `of public interest' here, but that just sets me up for disappointment and confusion, i think, because i can't really predict interest and neither do i want to center myself around it since in the end it's unnatural to me.


i wish i could talk about simple, real-life things, but if i started, i'd just go on about sky and wind and trees and everything abstract and story-like. i never really told stories about myself-- i mean, if i did, they're not about -myself-, they get all abstract and mixed in with fiction. whenever i start with a story, with an -account- of anything-- my day or my life-- it always becomes a myth of some sort. i lie. i always lie. i don't know if it's because i hate the truth or because embellishment is simply second nature. and then it's not a -journal- anymore, it's a story, really. "semi-autobiographical", they call it.

i'm wondering whether to make my NaNoWriMo novel (ha) semi-autobiographical, too. the idea boggles my mind. heh. what is there to say about me? i mean, i'm not saying this with false modesty-- it's just. all my observations and cute sayings and passion goes into fiction. there's little left over for myself, little left over to make into some sort of life.

so yeah, there's nothing to say, and even though i can see how i connect with all these people, strangers and ones i know, it's still basically a question of no one to say it to. when i post stories on witchbabie, 1 or 2 people respond, and i love that. they usually just tell me they love it, and hey. i love them, so yeay. on the more personal-wibbling front, people chip in to comfort me when i wibble, but otherwise, i guess i'm just not good at putting something interesting across. maybe i should try. i must have stories in me, stories that are -mine-. that's what i love the most about anyone's journal, really-- when they tell stories, about themselves or fictional characters. like, i'd look through a journal, and even if i can -tell- i really like the person from the merest hint of their personality (i get that with tradescant, for instance), i only really -engage- if they're describing their life and themselves in some sort of structured way that i can follow like a story, rather than snippets i don't know what to do with.

sometimes i can take snippets and they're stories in their own right. cassie & penelope & sara's journals are like that-- there's all this -life- everywhere. i think i don't -think- about my life that way. i'm not -alive- like that-- i'm alive further in, below the surface. it's like, i tell stories to bring it out into the light. sigh. but this is long. my god, i just never know when to stop, do i. i think it's because i hope i'm not, but i can never really -believe- i'm not just talking to myself.

Comments

[eleveninches.livejournal.com]

I don't think it's weird or anything. A lot of people have private, fic-only journals they don't want to share with anyone but themselves/their close friends. I, personally, think it's a great thing when you can write and not care if anyone reads it.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

i would share it with any and everybody, but i've discovered that when you know a lot of people are listening, you say different things. it's like, i'm unable to help it. i -want- to be all exhibitionist (i'm not a private person, really), and i -want- people to know me (since that's how one -makes- friends & i'm used to online journals being about real-life stuff, since that's how it is for most journals anyway).

i think my impulse is usually to not care, but then i miss communicating, too, since i'm such a complete recluse talking only to myself gets tiring. it's a case of `too much of a good thing' -.- heh.

[eleveninches.livejournal.com]

Hmm. But you said friending people didn't really help, right?

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

friending -some- people didn't help~:))
it's usually the people i'm still kind of eepish about, and yet realize that i should like, catch them on aim and go, "yo! i digs joooo! be my friiiiiend". hee.
but i'm shy and insecure (thus making me have paranoid fantasies about people not liking me 'cause they didn't friend me back), which is Not Good. i think partly i said this here so They would see it ago, "oh, she meant she likes me! aha!" or someone would go, "ah! she has a journal where she posts non-fandom stuff! we are so fascinated now, let us go look and talk to her more!" except that's probably not gonna happen~:))

yes, i really am that bad~:)

[eleveninches.livejournal.com]

I would friend a non-fandom lj. :))

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

*FRIENDS*

ahahah.
my ebil plan is workiinnngggg :D :D

[eleveninches.livejournal.com]

What's the lj name? :))

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

hehehe!! i said it several times in my entry. *giggles*
erm. witchbabie ~:))
^^;

[eleveninches.livejournal.com]

*friends*

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

*glee!*

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

I would friend a non-fandom lj too. :-)

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

awww.

*feels the lurve*

ahahaha my blatant ploy for attention paid off, man :D :D :D

*pleased!!*

[layha.livejournal.com]

As would I... a long time ago, in fact, had I known it existed.

*looks pointedly at Reena*

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

what, what? *giggles*
i totally asked people to ask me when i made it in may, aaaaand on my userinfo page it says, "i have a more personal-type lj, ask me if you want to see" :D :D

*is innocent!!*

[layha.livejournal.com]

*toes ground, blushing*

Well... YOU'RE STUPID.

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

*toes ground with you...*

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

oh man, there's sure a lot of toeing going on o_0

*giggles*

i'll take that to mean that of -course- i should've known that there'd be this wide-spread interest ;))

i am simply that fascinating. *cracks up* :>

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

I had no clue it existed.:-) But if I had I might still have been shy about friending it. Even though I have no problem whatsoever with people friending me I always feel a little forward friending others first, especially if it's a personal journal.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

i know! i totally wish i could friend some of the personal journals of the people on my flist, but i'm all insecure that they wouldn't want me to, and then it's like, woe.
so i don't.
on the other hand, that's because they're friends locked. since mine isn't, it's not so sekrit, really~:)
like, -most- journals out there are "personal" and they get friended all the time, right? i have to remind myself of that. i used to follow personal and -only- personal journals. and now, in fandom, it's like heyo, we pretend we don't -have- thoughts Outside of the Fandom Box.

it's like that's -weird- or -embarrassing- or -really private-, as long as it's not about fanfic or the latest kerfuffle.
i mean. yeah. it's not like it's a menstruation-cycle journal, y'know~:) eheheh.

i feel forward about friending people with it too, since like... then if they don't friend me back, i'm even more wibbly. like, several times i'd friended people with both that one and this one and they only friended back this one-- and that kind of seems funny to me because this one is sort of worthless except if you're like me and think about hp meta way too much. which most people don't, you know. i still have no clue how people bear reading this much of it, or why they friend me or any of that.

and i guess a part of me's like-- but okay, my -other- one -is- interesting 'cause at least it's -varied-, heheh. but there's this whole privacy thing which is okay except it's related to being non-fandom. like it's private -because- it's non-fandom. it all just seems sad, like... makes me wish fandom didn't mean "anti-real". but oh well -.-

[cathexys.livejournal.com]

I find the concept of audience really interesting; I mean, do we write for ourselves or a definite group of people or some vast anonymous void. And in a sense, we probably do all of the above, at least in our public entries. I've often wondered why I post more public than I should and even some protected when they ought to be private. And while it's good to get comments, sometimes it's enough to have a sense that someone is reading.

When I used to study for exams I'd set my teddy bear in front of me and tell him everything; or even my mom would do *g* Not that she understood what I was talking about, but she was an audience, someone who listened. I think that's how I feel about some of my less fermented ideas (which is why it gets so upsetting when someone comes in and blast me for them, b/c I'm just thinking out loud and you can brainstorm with me or watch me or leave me alone, but to "correct" me is not an option <-- this was someone in popslash I'm thinking of, btw, noone in HP)

I sometimes just mail someone or comment, 'i'm reading your lj and am happy to know what you're up to and what you're thinking about' without actually engaging in a dialog...b/c I'm happy to know that people are reading what I write, even if they don't comment.

As for the large and small audiences. I still haven't quite wrapped my mind around the friending and the filters and who gets to read which part of my stuff. Mostly I simply protect things that are sensitive enough (like my job, my home state, stuff about the kids) that I don't want them public; I usually filter for *my* sake, not for anyone else's (b/c I figure unless I post 5 or 10 posts a day or post quizzes, folks can just scroll by my stuff if it's not their fandom or they're not interested). Plus, *I* like to see what other people are into, what is going on in other fandoms, so I actually appreciate these posts.

But the larger my flist gets, the more difficult it becomes to control information and accurately judge my audience. I assume that's why some people get private journals. It's a way to start anew, a way to cut your flist without offending...and that's not what your other journal is, but I've wondered about the secondary personal journals for a while...

Sorry to respond to your concerns with some of my own :-) i know I'm not really answering any of the questions you raise but just bring up more...and maybe I'm just responding to let you know that people *are* reading *g*

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

That's exactly it! A sense that someone is reading! That's all I want, man. I don't necessarily -need- in-depth discussion 'til the cows come home, just something to let me know, "hey, you're not talking to the wind, man. we dig even if we're silent" or something. And I -really- honestly don't know if some people -do- read the stuff I say, especially if they -never- comment. I mean, I really wonder why they have me friended. I try not to think about it, but it really gets to me, thinking, okay, like, 150+ people have read this and -no one- but NO ONE had anything to say. like, DUDE, HOW BORING AM I?!?!

er.
Yeah. I never thought I'd be worrying about controlling the information (ahahaha what information?? -.-) But it does seem that when you feel uncertain as to who's reading and who's not, that's when the weirdness sets in. I like writing to a limited group of people. It makes things feel more friendly-- so if I'm making myself vulnerable (as I sometimes do), I don't feel so... exposed.

Like, I posted this story on the other lj where I was upset and depressed and it was quasi-fiction but quasi-not, and I felt weird 'cause my friend recced it and then some random person whom I've seen around said, "oh, beautiful" and I was like... eep! Like someone saw a picture of me naked and said I was pretty. Which is nice, but... er... weird.

I've never had someone just let me know they're reading before~:) That would be great. It would also be great if I knew everyone who had me friended was actually reading, and if I knew who my lurkers were. I think it's more a question of knowing your audience rather than limiting your audience, for me. I mean, I do like "the void", but for me that's the equivalent of talking to myself. Sigh.

The main reason I started the other lj is because while I -wanted- a singular existence, no one -commented- on the more me-centric entries when I posted them here. I'd try to write here like I write there sometimes, and no one would say anything, and while that's okay if I have a flist of 20, it's less okay (for my insecurity) if I have a flist of 120, y'know?

So I went there and still mostly no one said much, but it's -quiet- and that's better. And it's not friends-locked, either. So it's not that I want to hide away or censor but rather that I want to know who reads me and have a way of -communication- rather than just a column in a paper, or something. I considered filtering this post, but that's just too much trouble. I don't want to sit there and wonder, "so who would be interested in this? who would be that I wouldn't want to be? who's going to stalk me now?" etc. I'd rather not think that because I just don't know, so I let people make up their own minds.

And yet I did friends-lock this not because I don't want some -particular- person to see but because I don't want to -not know- who looks and -still- thinking they didn't say anything. At least, now I know that out of 79 people or whatever, at least 4 people looked. You know? And sometimes that helps.

And er, yah -.- Thanks for letting me know :D :D

[cathexys.livejournal.com]

Y'know, I really think you need to look at it from the other side. How often have you seen someone's entry, wanted to send them a hug and then had to run off...or you were away from lj and it was a busy day and you have 40+ entries and not every single one can be commented on...

I think it's as simple as that and just like in fic it's the cockroach principle: for anyone you see (i.e., for every loc/comment), there are 50 out there that you don't (that read and don't comment or feedback). Do you feedback every fic? Even just every good fic? I know I don't...if I did I wouldn't read anything or have no time left to sleep...

So, while I totally feel like you (esp. since I've had some really insightful entries with like one response and totally stupid ones with lots of feedback), I think it really is a lot about timing. Like that stupid masturbation post I made had like 50+ comments within a couple of hours. Was it that smart/interesting/relevant? No, it was a very slow lj day and lots of people seemed to have time on their hand...and, well, it *was* about sex *g*

So, another round of hugs for you, but I really wouldn't take it personally...some people might feel too shy to comment...(you know, like the ones who actually apologize for barging in on your lj when all you can think is, wow, someone not forced by their flist read that??? :-)

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Hee. Thanks :D
I know all these things have perfectly natural, innocuous reasons, but then I just selfishly want attention anyway ^^;
Like, this is why people talk on aim & yahoo, but those things just eat my brain, you know? I mean, I want contact but not -too- much, I guess, and this is marginally easier to somewhat keep under control, since I get addicted to online-chat sort of things too easily.

And yeah, I've noticed the timing issue, though I can never predict when I'll strike the motherload -.-
Not that I -want- a zillion replies, really. I just want my friends to reply. How 'bout that ><;;
A lot of replies just means more work wading through and commenting for me. Plus, you realize that for most of this journal's existence I'd gotten 1-3 comments, like, -ever-, on one entry at a time-- and then more and more people kept adding me, so I was all like... o_0 It makes no sense, I guess.

The too-shy-to-comment people are just weird. I've never felt too shy to comment, and I'm rather shy. I mean, I can be too shy to friend, too shy to fangirl, anything-- but not too shy to comment, since it's a -messageboard-, basically. But, oh well. *laughs* I think some people have inadequacy issues I can't even conceive of. Thankfully. I have enough already ><
hee~:)

[sarahtales.livejournal.com]

Heh. I generally just emotionally vomit all over LJ. :) HAPPY, SAD, DEPRESSED, AMUSED, DRUNK, AND THIS IS WHY.
I often suspect that I don't really think enough, and yet I think I think. I think after the action, after the livejournal post, sometimes I even read to put off thinking, tell myself stories to stop it, go indepth into thought when there's somebody I love nearby to pull me out. Thought is wonderful but dangerous. It's a jungle out there, kids!
I guess what I'm saying is... you're brave to think, and to show us that. I love both your journals and feel honoured to see what you think.
And now I feel silly, because I'm all 'see reena think! But don't try this at home, Maya...'

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

You do think! I love how you think! I think your thinking is glorious!! *giggles*
No, seriously, dude. I mean, there's that certain about of wackiness, of course, but that's just a cover for being completely brilliant, you can't fool me~:))

<3333 It's weird because it's like... when I'm emotional, I guess I write stories rather than essays, that's all. I'm all repressive like that, I guess -.-
I even -think- to put off thinking, man, how messed up is -that-? I totally think about TEH H/D LURVE to not think about TEH LONG-WINDED HEIDEGGER ESSAY -.-

i don't really censor myself either, though that clearly says i should get a life, and i realize that, but i love that you love it :D :D

[holographis.livejournal.com]

I really rarely comment to fandom people about anything, and especially with this journal, because I have the same issue with splitting myself - this one was only ever meant to be for fandom stuff and now I don't really write, it seems sort of unneeded except there are some people (like you) who I have friended on this one and not the personal one. Not because I think you're boring or anything like that, I swear, just that you speak about fandom stuff here and I'm mostly out of fandom now...and I've always found personal journals more interesting, to be honest. I'm an English student, I get enough of the meta during the day - I don't always want to come home and read about what Hedwig symbolises. *g* Sometimes I just want to know that other people had a crappy day, or a good day. All of which is a long-winded, self-involved way of saying: dude. I totally see where you're coming from. *g*

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Heheh. I totally get that... and... er... if you like, you can totally unfriend this & look at witchbabie instead at times (if you want to), since there's no reason to spam you in this way when I can always spam you in another way ;))
Although I tend to not talk about my day anyway, but hey ^^;
I guess I'm weird & abstract even if you take away Harry Potter-- and an English major prolly 24/7-- though sometimes I do wibble pointless (those are usually the entries no one says anything to, heh).
So yeah. When I saw you'd moved journals, I'd figured you wouldn't friend this one with a personal one. If someone -does- friend this one with a personal one, I'm like, eh?? Especially if they know about the other one. That sort of makes me insecure, actually. Which is weird. But er. I'll just stop babbling now -.-

[ex-monochro174.livejournal.com]

I don't check your journal often (*guilt*) but if you want me to friend here so you can kind of synthesize both of your journals, just tell me. Mostly I'm out of fandom too, for the fandom-part, and like 80% of the writing part, but I still want to hear from you and listen to you - because I think that's important, listening when you're surrounded by everyone talking up a storm because that's what LJ is about, I guess?

Anyway, <3333333333333333333.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

heee. *showers you with affection*
<3!
i sometimes wanted you to friend me here just so everyone knows amalin likes me, back when one could see my friends-of list (wheeee! i'm five years old!!) heh... but dude, i totally see the flist as stuff one wants to -read-, not a reflection of who your friends are~:))
i totally don't friend some people here 'cause while i ♥ them, i just don't have time to keep up with real-life rambles or not-my-fandom rambles or not-my-pairing rambles, even. i cut & cut & cut 'cause lj is an evil time-suck. heh~:))

for some reason i'm more hurt if people only want to friend me -here- and i thought they liked me, because this is all just rambly & boring, ahahahah. i mean. after a year, it even bores -me- o_0

what i wish is that i could just have -one-, and i -could-, but. it'd be too unbalanced and unfair to whoever just wants one or the other. plus i have this jadedness 'cause no one usually replies to non-fandom stuff on here. and it'd be okay if only i didn't feel like they were purposefully saying "well, we don't care about this". which is silly. but yes.
this wasn't really a cry for anyone to friend me ><;;
more thinking about journalling in general and how my relationship with it has changed. and stuff.

<333

[ex-monochro174.livejournal.com]

ATTN: EVERYONE. AMALIN LOVES REENKA.

I have terrible issues with friending people who friend me because I feel like I should, but as I never friend-lock anything (except my homecoming pictures, haha), it shouldn't matter, right? Only I feel like I'm being exclusive, which I don't want to be, I just never have time to check my friends' list except for updates from people I know (which you count as, in case you were wondering), and it gets weird for me when I'm scrolling through twice as many pages of people who've friended me hoping for fic. (Which is never forthcoming. Um.)

LJ is so weird. But still, much love for it. *laughs*

<3333333333333333333333.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

heeee >:D<
<33!
i was all "!!!!" at seeing all those pictures of you, hee. and that's my favorite shade of red~:)) and you look so -happy- :D eee! although a part of me was like... eep! she doesn't look like her icon after all! -.-

and like. should i bug you about finishing? because i can.
*bugs supportively*~:)