...untitled.

[reenka]

it's funny, finding out you're not alone and it not mattering.

i was looking at cellardoor's old journal somewhat randomly, where she says she thinks of what to say on her lj and mostly can't come up with anything, and how she writes for her friends rather than for herself. witchbabie was for myself. this was always intended to be found, just because i thought linking things was useful. i never intended to talk about `meta' (whatever -that- is, since it's just what i think about, to me), so i don't know if i'd ever thought that was public. but its nature, of course, it seems that `serious' analysis-type stuff should be public, but then, i'm not serious, i'm just rambly. and yet i want feedback, of course. almost always.

i don't want feedback there. i mean, it's okay. and that's a weird feeling. i'm talking to myself but i also know i'm talking to -them-, but since i know (most of) them, it doesn't really bother me-- the silence, i mean. i was always okay with silence. and yet, i find that more than anything, i want to -talk-. not just to myself. i want to talk to my friends, and that's why i post, a lot of the time, even when i have nothing to say, really. i can always find something to say, after all.

i don't think anyone really realizes that. i dunno if i want them to. i do wonder what people think of me-- whether i seem completely lost in my own little abstractified world (well, it's true) and i don't seem -real- at all (like sara says) or whether... i dunno... whether i'm just like a column in a newspaper, like stephen says. i want to be a person. i don't want to be a service, though that's nice. sometimes i think most people online don't see -me-, because the things i say obscure me and reveal something else, something about -them-. which is interesting. i like that. but i feel lost.

i've tried adding people with the other journal without saying anything (and they didn't add me back), but that's a rather awkward and silly way to say, "hey, i like you, i want you to know me". and then i imagine they don't want to know me, but since they have this one friended, they want to know my... what... fandomy ideas(?) even though they mostly don't respond. and i shouldn't take response for interest, but it does correlate somehow, doesn't it?

maybe i should just post here all the time-- i do want to be a whole person-- except that amalin and ish only really respond there, and i'd miss them. and i don't want to just post -there-, because aja & cassie & well, a bunch of you only read -this-. but i don't want to split myself into parts-- this part thinks about this and this part thinks about -that-. i just -am-. on the other hand, i still cling to my original idea of having a fic weblog. it's not a fic weblog anymore at all-- it just meanders and rambles and. people probably think they like me, but they shake their heads, too. and i want to be one of them. i want to be -real-.

i know i said i think literary theory-type stuff should be public, but more and more, the idea of a limited audience appeals to me. maybe i'm getting burnt out in some serious way. i'm tired of the hugeness, of the constant overturn of online fandom, of being so specialized. all the people constantly flitting in and out, saying hi and then going away again, all the random strangers friending me, etc. it feels both like i'm talking to myself and to this huge group of people and yet neither at once, and this would all be fine if i had more "real-life" friends, but i don't.

i was going to post this on witchbabie, but then i didn't. usually, i only post things i consider `of public interest' here, but that just sets me up for disappointment and confusion, i think, because i can't really predict interest and neither do i want to center myself around it since in the end it's unnatural to me.


i wish i could talk about simple, real-life things, but if i started, i'd just go on about sky and wind and trees and everything abstract and story-like. i never really told stories about myself-- i mean, if i did, they're not about -myself-, they get all abstract and mixed in with fiction. whenever i start with a story, with an -account- of anything-- my day or my life-- it always becomes a myth of some sort. i lie. i always lie. i don't know if it's because i hate the truth or because embellishment is simply second nature. and then it's not a -journal- anymore, it's a story, really. "semi-autobiographical", they call it.

i'm wondering whether to make my NaNoWriMo novel (ha) semi-autobiographical, too. the idea boggles my mind. heh. what is there to say about me? i mean, i'm not saying this with false modesty-- it's just. all my observations and cute sayings and passion goes into fiction. there's little left over for myself, little left over to make into some sort of life.

so yeah, there's nothing to say, and even though i can see how i connect with all these people, strangers and ones i know, it's still basically a question of no one to say it to. when i post stories on witchbabie, 1 or 2 people respond, and i love that. they usually just tell me they love it, and hey. i love them, so yeay. on the more personal-wibbling front, people chip in to comfort me when i wibble, but otherwise, i guess i'm just not good at putting something interesting across. maybe i should try. i must have stories in me, stories that are -mine-. that's what i love the most about anyone's journal, really-- when they tell stories, about themselves or fictional characters. like, i'd look through a journal, and even if i can -tell- i really like the person from the merest hint of their personality (i get that with tradescant, for instance), i only really -engage- if they're describing their life and themselves in some sort of structured way that i can follow like a story, rather than snippets i don't know what to do with.

sometimes i can take snippets and they're stories in their own right. cassie & penelope & sara's journals are like that-- there's all this -life- everywhere. i think i don't -think- about my life that way. i'm not -alive- like that-- i'm alive further in, below the surface. it's like, i tell stories to bring it out into the light. sigh. but this is long. my god, i just never know when to stop, do i. i think it's because i hope i'm not, but i can never really -believe- i'm not just talking to myself.

Comments

[eleveninches.livejournal.com]

I don't think it's weird or anything. A lot of people have private, fic-only journals they don't want to share with anyone but themselves/their close friends. I, personally, think it's a great thing when you can write and not care if anyone reads it.

[cathexys.livejournal.com]

I find the concept of audience really interesting; I mean, do we write for ourselves or a definite group of people or some vast anonymous void. And in a sense, we probably do all of the above, at least in our public entries. I've often wondered why I post more public than I should and even some protected when they ought to be private. And while it's good to get comments, sometimes it's enough to have a sense that someone is reading.

When I used to study for exams I'd set my teddy bear in front of me and tell him everything; or even my mom would do *g* Not that she understood what I was talking about, but she was an audience, someone who listened. I think that's how I feel about some of my less fermented ideas (which is why it gets so upsetting when someone comes in and blast me for them, b/c I'm just thinking out loud and you can brainstorm with me or watch me or leave me alone, but to "correct" me is not an option <-- this was someone in popslash I'm thinking of, btw, noone in HP)

I sometimes just mail someone or comment, 'i'm reading your lj and am happy to know what you're up to and what you're thinking about' without actually engaging in a dialog...b/c I'm happy to know that people are reading what I write, even if they don't comment.

As for the large and small audiences. I still haven't quite wrapped my mind around the friending and the filters and who gets to read which part of my stuff. Mostly I simply protect things that are sensitive enough (like my job, my home state, stuff about the kids) that I don't want them public; I usually filter for *my* sake, not for anyone else's (b/c I figure unless I post 5 or 10 posts a day or post quizzes, folks can just scroll by my stuff if it's not their fandom or they're not interested). Plus, *I* like to see what other people are into, what is going on in other fandoms, so I actually appreciate these posts.

But the larger my flist gets, the more difficult it becomes to control information and accurately judge my audience. I assume that's why some people get private journals. It's a way to start anew, a way to cut your flist without offending...and that's not what your other journal is, but I've wondered about the secondary personal journals for a while...

Sorry to respond to your concerns with some of my own :-) i know I'm not really answering any of the questions you raise but just bring up more...and maybe I'm just responding to let you know that people *are* reading *g*

[sarahtales.livejournal.com]

Heh. I generally just emotionally vomit all over LJ. :) HAPPY, SAD, DEPRESSED, AMUSED, DRUNK, AND THIS IS WHY.
I often suspect that I don't really think enough, and yet I think I think. I think after the action, after the livejournal post, sometimes I even read to put off thinking, tell myself stories to stop it, go indepth into thought when there's somebody I love nearby to pull me out. Thought is wonderful but dangerous. It's a jungle out there, kids!
I guess what I'm saying is... you're brave to think, and to show us that. I love both your journals and feel honoured to see what you think.
And now I feel silly, because I'm all 'see reena think! But don't try this at home, Maya...'

[holographis.livejournal.com]

I really rarely comment to fandom people about anything, and especially with this journal, because I have the same issue with splitting myself - this one was only ever meant to be for fandom stuff and now I don't really write, it seems sort of unneeded except there are some people (like you) who I have friended on this one and not the personal one. Not because I think you're boring or anything like that, I swear, just that you speak about fandom stuff here and I'm mostly out of fandom now...and I've always found personal journals more interesting, to be honest. I'm an English student, I get enough of the meta during the day - I don't always want to come home and read about what Hedwig symbolises. *g* Sometimes I just want to know that other people had a crappy day, or a good day. All of which is a long-winded, self-involved way of saying: dude. I totally see where you're coming from. *g*

[ex-monochro174.livejournal.com]

I don't check your journal often (*guilt*) but if you want me to friend here so you can kind of synthesize both of your journals, just tell me. Mostly I'm out of fandom too, for the fandom-part, and like 80% of the writing part, but I still want to hear from you and listen to you - because I think that's important, listening when you're surrounded by everyone talking up a storm because that's what LJ is about, I guess?

Anyway, <3333333333333333333.