...untitled.
Oct. 17th, 2003 12:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reenkait's funny, finding out you're not alone and it not mattering.
i was looking at![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
cellardoor's old journal somewhat randomly, where she says she thinks of what to say on her lj and mostly can't come up with anything, and how she writes for her friends rather than for herself. witchbabie was for myself. this was always intended to be found, just because i thought linking things was useful. i never intended to talk about `meta' (whatever -that- is, since it's just what i think about, to me), so i don't know if i'd ever thought that was public. but its nature, of course, it seems that `serious' analysis-type stuff should be public, but then, i'm not serious, i'm just rambly. and yet i want feedback, of course. almost always.
i don't want feedback there. i mean, it's okay. and that's a weird feeling. i'm talking to myself but i also know i'm talking to -them-, but since i know (most of) them, it doesn't really bother me-- the silence, i mean. i was always okay with silence. and yet, i find that more than anything, i want to -talk-. not just to myself. i want to talk to my friends, and that's why i post, a lot of the time, even when i have nothing to say, really. i can always find something to say, after all.
i don't think anyone really realizes that. i dunno if i want them to. i do wonder what people think of me-- whether i seem completely lost in my own little abstractified world (well, it's true) and i don't seem -real- at all (like sara says) or whether... i dunno... whether i'm just like a column in a newspaper, like stephen says. i want to be a person. i don't want to be a service, though that's nice. sometimes i think most people online don't see -me-, because the things i say obscure me and reveal something else, something about -them-. which is interesting. i like that. but i feel lost.
i've tried adding people with the other journal without saying anything (and they didn't add me back), but that's a rather awkward and silly way to say, "hey, i like you, i want you to know me". and then i imagine they don't want to know me, but since they have this one friended, they want to know my... what... fandomy ideas(?) even though they mostly don't respond. and i shouldn't take response for interest, but it does correlate somehow, doesn't it?
maybe i should just post here all the time-- i do want to be a whole person-- except that amalin and ish only really respond there, and i'd miss them. and i don't want to just post -there-, because aja & cassie & well, a bunch of you only read -this-. but i don't want to split myself into parts-- this part thinks about this and this part thinks about -that-. i just -am-. on the other hand, i still cling to my original idea of having a fic weblog. it's not a fic weblog anymore at all-- it just meanders and rambles and. people probably think they like me, but they shake their heads, too. and i want to be one of them. i want to be -real-.
i know i said i think literary theory-type stuff should be public, but more and more, the idea of a limited audience appeals to me. maybe i'm getting burnt out in some serious way. i'm tired of the hugeness, of the constant overturn of online fandom, of being so specialized. all the people constantly flitting in and out, saying hi and then going away again, all the random strangers friending me, etc. it feels both like i'm talking to myself and to this huge group of people and yet neither at once, and this would all be fine if i had more "real-life" friends, but i don't.
i was going to post this on witchbabie, but then i didn't. usually, i only post things i consider `of public interest' here, but that just sets me up for disappointment and confusion, i think, because i can't really predict interest and neither do i want to center myself around it since in the end it's unnatural to me.
i wish i could talk about simple, real-life things, but if i started, i'd just go on about sky and wind and trees and everything abstract and story-like. i never really told stories about myself-- i mean, if i did, they're not about -myself-, they get all abstract and mixed in with fiction. whenever i start with a story, with an -account- of anything-- my day or my life-- it always becomes a myth of some sort. i lie. i always lie. i don't know if it's because i hate the truth or because embellishment is simply second nature. and then it's not a -journal- anymore, it's a story, really. "semi-autobiographical", they call it.
i'm wondering whether to make my NaNoWriMo novel (ha) semi-autobiographical, too. the idea boggles my mind. heh. what is there to say about me? i mean, i'm not saying this with false modesty-- it's just. all my observations and cute sayings and passion goes into fiction. there's little left over for myself, little left over to make into some sort of life.
so yeah, there's nothing to say, and even though i can see how i connect with all these people, strangers and ones i know, it's still basically a question of no one to say it to. when i post stories on witchbabie, 1 or 2 people respond, and i love that. they usually just tell me they love it, and hey. i love them, so yeay. on the more personal-wibbling front, people chip in to comfort me when i wibble, but otherwise, i guess i'm just not good at putting something interesting across. maybe i should try. i must have stories in me, stories that are -mine-. that's what i love the most about anyone's journal, really-- when they tell stories, about themselves or fictional characters. like, i'd look through a journal, and even if i can -tell- i really like the person from the merest hint of their personality (i get that with tradescant, for instance), i only really -engage- if they're describing their life and themselves in some sort of structured way that i can follow like a story, rather than snippets i don't know what to do with.
sometimes i can take snippets and they're stories in their own right. cassie & penelope & sara's journals are like that-- there's all this -life- everywhere. i think i don't -think- about my life that way. i'm not -alive- like that-- i'm alive further in, below the surface. it's like, i tell stories to bring it out into the light. sigh. but this is long. my god, i just never know when to stop, do i. i think it's because i hope i'm not, but i can never really -believe- i'm not just talking to myself.
i was looking at
cellardoor's old journal somewhat randomly, where she says she thinks of what to say on her lj and mostly can't come up with anything, and how she writes for her friends rather than for herself. witchbabie was for myself. this was always intended to be found, just because i thought linking things was useful. i never intended to talk about `meta' (whatever -that- is, since it's just what i think about, to me), so i don't know if i'd ever thought that was public. but its nature, of course, it seems that `serious' analysis-type stuff should be public, but then, i'm not serious, i'm just rambly. and yet i want feedback, of course. almost always.i don't want feedback there. i mean, it's okay. and that's a weird feeling. i'm talking to myself but i also know i'm talking to -them-, but since i know (most of) them, it doesn't really bother me-- the silence, i mean. i was always okay with silence. and yet, i find that more than anything, i want to -talk-. not just to myself. i want to talk to my friends, and that's why i post, a lot of the time, even when i have nothing to say, really. i can always find something to say, after all.
i don't think anyone really realizes that. i dunno if i want them to. i do wonder what people think of me-- whether i seem completely lost in my own little abstractified world (well, it's true) and i don't seem -real- at all (like sara says) or whether... i dunno... whether i'm just like a column in a newspaper, like stephen says. i want to be a person. i don't want to be a service, though that's nice. sometimes i think most people online don't see -me-, because the things i say obscure me and reveal something else, something about -them-. which is interesting. i like that. but i feel lost.
i've tried adding people with the other journal without saying anything (and they didn't add me back), but that's a rather awkward and silly way to say, "hey, i like you, i want you to know me". and then i imagine they don't want to know me, but since they have this one friended, they want to know my... what... fandomy ideas(?) even though they mostly don't respond. and i shouldn't take response for interest, but it does correlate somehow, doesn't it?
maybe i should just post here all the time-- i do want to be a whole person-- except that amalin and ish only really respond there, and i'd miss them. and i don't want to just post -there-, because aja & cassie & well, a bunch of you only read -this-. but i don't want to split myself into parts-- this part thinks about this and this part thinks about -that-. i just -am-. on the other hand, i still cling to my original idea of having a fic weblog. it's not a fic weblog anymore at all-- it just meanders and rambles and. people probably think they like me, but they shake their heads, too. and i want to be one of them. i want to be -real-.
i know i said i think literary theory-type stuff should be public, but more and more, the idea of a limited audience appeals to me. maybe i'm getting burnt out in some serious way. i'm tired of the hugeness, of the constant overturn of online fandom, of being so specialized. all the people constantly flitting in and out, saying hi and then going away again, all the random strangers friending me, etc. it feels both like i'm talking to myself and to this huge group of people and yet neither at once, and this would all be fine if i had more "real-life" friends, but i don't.
i was going to post this on witchbabie, but then i didn't. usually, i only post things i consider `of public interest' here, but that just sets me up for disappointment and confusion, i think, because i can't really predict interest and neither do i want to center myself around it since in the end it's unnatural to me.
i wish i could talk about simple, real-life things, but if i started, i'd just go on about sky and wind and trees and everything abstract and story-like. i never really told stories about myself-- i mean, if i did, they're not about -myself-, they get all abstract and mixed in with fiction. whenever i start with a story, with an -account- of anything-- my day or my life-- it always becomes a myth of some sort. i lie. i always lie. i don't know if it's because i hate the truth or because embellishment is simply second nature. and then it's not a -journal- anymore, it's a story, really. "semi-autobiographical", they call it.
i'm wondering whether to make my NaNoWriMo novel (ha) semi-autobiographical, too. the idea boggles my mind. heh. what is there to say about me? i mean, i'm not saying this with false modesty-- it's just. all my observations and cute sayings and passion goes into fiction. there's little left over for myself, little left over to make into some sort of life.
so yeah, there's nothing to say, and even though i can see how i connect with all these people, strangers and ones i know, it's still basically a question of no one to say it to. when i post stories on witchbabie, 1 or 2 people respond, and i love that. they usually just tell me they love it, and hey. i love them, so yeay. on the more personal-wibbling front, people chip in to comfort me when i wibble, but otherwise, i guess i'm just not good at putting something interesting across. maybe i should try. i must have stories in me, stories that are -mine-. that's what i love the most about anyone's journal, really-- when they tell stories, about themselves or fictional characters. like, i'd look through a journal, and even if i can -tell- i really like the person from the merest hint of their personality (i get that with tradescant, for instance), i only really -engage- if they're describing their life and themselves in some sort of structured way that i can follow like a story, rather than snippets i don't know what to do with.
sometimes i can take snippets and they're stories in their own right. cassie & penelope & sara's journals are like that-- there's all this -life- everywhere. i think i don't -think- about my life that way. i'm not -alive- like that-- i'm alive further in, below the surface. it's like, i tell stories to bring it out into the light. sigh. but this is long. my god, i just never know when to stop, do i. i think it's because i hope i'm not, but i can never really -believe- i'm not just talking to myself.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-10-17 02:20 pm (UTC)i totally asked people to ask me when i made it in may, aaaaand on my userinfo page it says, "i have a more personal-type lj, ask me if you want to see" :D :D
*is innocent!!*
no subject
Date: 2003-10-17 02:33 pm (UTC)Well... YOU'RE STUPID.
no subject
Date: 2003-10-17 02:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-10-17 02:42 pm (UTC)*giggles*
i'll take that to mean that of -course- i should've known that there'd be this wide-spread interest ;))
i am simply that fascinating. *cracks up* :>
no subject
Date: 2003-10-17 03:20 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-10-17 03:28 pm (UTC)so i don't.
on the other hand, that's because they're friends locked. since mine isn't, it's not so sekrit, really~:)
like, -most- journals out there are "personal" and they get friended all the time, right? i have to remind myself of that. i used to follow personal and -only- personal journals. and now, in fandom, it's like heyo, we pretend we don't -have- thoughts Outside of the Fandom Box.
it's like that's -weird- or -embarrassing- or -really private-, as long as it's not about fanfic or the latest kerfuffle.
i mean. yeah. it's not like it's a menstruation-cycle journal, y'know~:) eheheh.
i feel forward about friending people with it too, since like... then if they don't friend me back, i'm even more wibbly. like, several times i'd friended people with both that one and this one and they only friended back this one-- and that kind of seems funny to me because this one is sort of worthless except if you're like me and think about hp meta way too much. which most people don't, you know. i still have no clue how people bear reading this much of it, or why they friend me or any of that.
and i guess a part of me's like-- but okay, my -other- one -is- interesting 'cause at least it's -varied-, heheh. but there's this whole privacy thing which is okay except it's related to being non-fandom. like it's private -because- it's non-fandom. it all just seems sad, like... makes me wish fandom didn't mean "anti-real". but oh well -.-