(no subject)

[reenka]

ahhhh, wrongness.

i was totally depressing myself with what a lazy-ass i am and how much work i have to do and how pointless school seemed suddenly and how everything sucks but me especially, and then, and then...

lo, but i remembered to think of how my drawn!harry&draco would feel about aja's!h&d doing the dirty as they watched aja write the latter in front of them. heh. man. i feel kind of bad about it. i've always been prone to using romanticism & fantasy to escape, and indeed this is called 'escapism' for a reason. it feels so -good- to just... forget everything and go, 'omg, harry & draco -kissing-. it's a -good day-.' sigh. and you're not the dork who -still- hadn't gotten a syllabus two weeks later. you're not the dork who keeps missing classes & digging herself in deeper. no, you are just the receptacle for the heavenly fantasy-land where harry & draco kiss on command. heh.

see, this is why fannishness is inherently not too healthy for me, anyway. i mean, there's a good level where it just entertains you and inspires you to improve your writing & to make connections with other people, and then there's sitting in the library and grinning and thinking, "oh good, good, i don't have to dwell on -reality- anymore."

i suppose i don't talk about myself much, as sara said-- or at all. so it stands to reason that most of you feel you don't know me. i think a part of -me- doesn't want to know me; the me that goes to classes (or misses them), the me that is lazy & clueless & defeatist & all sorts of messed up. i manage to kind of stay together thinking and doing all the things that come naturally, that involve positive reinforcement-- writing & thinking about things i have something to say about & talking about happy things like boyporn... and stuff.

the sad fact is, life is not all about boyporn, and like, i wouldn't even want it to be. i don't even talk porn -here- most of the time. this is not to say that isn't what i prefer -thinking- about. er, no, i don't mean sex, i mean... the happy. i want to write because it's got inherent self-satisfaction involved in it, unlike reading heidegger-- which is fun in class but not so fun when i'm doing it -instead- of reading fanfic. and i -know- that 'instead of' is just a mental construct, but it really bothers me anyway. i'm such a mood-driven person. in class, i'm in the mood to think about heidegger, for instance, but after class, i mostly don't want to then sit down and read 100 pages of dense text. sigh.

this was going to be a post about how h/d porn is the answer to all ills, because after thinking about it in any detail, i get all happy. insta-happy. and now that's sad too. there's a reason i don't talk about myself in these terms, clearly -.-

Comments

[veuki.livejournal.com]

*snuggles very tightly*

H/D porn always makes me feel better, too. :p

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

*hugs back*

i'm a doofus, but at least i'm not alone.

er.

well, you know what i mean >:D

[veuki.livejournal.com]

...are you calling me a doofus?

>:((((!!!11!!1

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

meep. no... ^^;
it's a self-effacing thing. i was mostly calling myself a doofus & hoping you didn't take that to mean i was trying to somehow insult you ><

and anyway, there are worse things to be.
it's all on that dork/doofus/geek/wacko/freak spectrum, heh.
*tries to soothe*
if it makes you feel any better, i use the term affectionately, really. sort of like... we're all dopey but we're okay.
*coughs* okay, i'm probably making it worse, aren't i. meep!
:X

i just meant thanks. er. it's easier without the doofus part, really ><;;; hee

[veuki.livejournal.com]

Oh, sweetie! No! I'm a terrible geek, I really am. I was just joking around. *soothes back* Love you, baby.

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

it feels so -good- to just... forget everything and go, 'omg, harry & draco -kissing-.

Ack! You have no idea how many times a day I do just that. And then tell myself how despite all the truly positive things about fandom, it's probably a bad thing for me because it is wayyy to easy for me to not deal with things because I'm in that land instead.

On one hand I do believe that imagining a transcendent world is a good thing in itself, that things have to happen in the mind before they can happen in reality so thinking good things about people, even if they're fictional, has got to be a valuable thing. But I know perfectly well that I prefer the world in my head to the world outside of it. It takes so much EFFORT to get stuff done in the world outside of it and...that's a bad thing, right?

When I was a kid I spent SO much time in front of the mirror trying to figure out how to get into the world on the other side--I thought maybe if I caught it at just the right time...you know. But then, if I went there would I be able to engage with it any more than this one? Like, one of the things I like about Harry and Draco is that they both engage with their world and are fully present in their lives and with each other, even when their lives suck.

[bookshop.livejournal.com]

*agrees with all of this*

I want to make a livejournal post that just asks the general populace, "Well? What do Harry and Draco think about fucking?" now. but will I? noooo. I have to go. Perhaps you can do it instead, Reena. Why quit with the cheer-ups? :)

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

hee. now watch no one respond >:D
ahahahah

perhaps i can respond to myself and just keep commenting with one porn-drabble after another until it turns into an mpreg, eheheheh :D

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

. But then, if I went there would I be able to engage with it any more than this one?

That's the kind of thing I never would have thought, then. I wanted to escape and it didn't matter, I -had- to believe it would be better. It had to be better. I had to be secretly different, somehow. It had to be that the environment was wrong, rather than me. Because if -I- was "wrong", then I could never escape, and that's just frightening.

Draco strikes me as rather escapist, btw. I mean, he's a sense-centered person rather than intuition-centered (maybe), as far as that scale goes, whereas it's Harry that I think is more intuitive. They always lived in their heads, just in different ways. Harry certainly must have with the Dursleys, and well, Draco does engage in an awful amount of sheer denial, doesn't he.

Harry only really "blossomed" when he found the right environment, people who cared about him, really wanted him there, where his abilities were needed and at least sometimes appreciated. Without having that environment, neither Harry nor I could be certain if our troubles are entirely our fault or not.

Obviously, it's almost always at least -partly- one's own fault, but still.

The funny thing is, I really -did- used to think about transcendent worlds more, read more fantasy, other-world fiction. Hogwarts is fantasy, but the main fantasy of it isn't the magic, it's Harry himself, and of me, Harry and Draco together. I just want them together so much, I don't even know -why- anymore, except that somehow it makes everything -right- in a way that's not even -possible- in "reality" because in reality, nothing is -that- right. I mean, things have much more regrets and concessions always attached to them, and yet being fictional, Harry and Draco get to be forever on the verge of possible perfection, to me anyway.

I mean, they never really -attain- it in any fic, but it's that tangible sort of passion you either feel or you don't, as a reader. I can feel that perfection just reading about Harry touching Draco's -arm-. It's not really -there-, it's just in my head, but it's so -strong-, and it just... lives more intensely in me than any desire to "succeed" doing whatever it is I'm supposed to do in the real world. None of it has that level of intensity & passion, and all it is is effort without a clear pay-off, so it's easy to be all ":|" I guess.

But of course, I caved and posted about the pretty anyway :D

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

Oh yes, when I was younger I took it for granted the world would make all the difference. It's only as an adult I became jaded.:-) But really, when I'm in a place that seems like it could be magic, I tend to be much much more involved in my surroundings so I could be right!

I agree with the escapist idea, btw, all the way. It's so strange, though, because I also agree about Harry being the more intuitive and Draco being more sense-oriented. In some ways Harry is just so focused on the here and now and his survival it's hard to imagine him being imaginative, but he must have been at the Dursleys. Everybody's got an imagination, but I guess Harry may have taken a more practical form, like he was planning his way out of there as soon as he could.

Draco seems like such an actor. Like when Harry is doing something I feel like he's totally in the moment. I can see Draco psyching himself up to do something by imagining he's someone else. I can't be the only one who does this. Like if I have to make a difficult phone call I'll sometimes pretend like, "Okay, I'm a big important NY editor and I intimidate people!" or whatever. There's barely any scenes where we see Draco alone except in the forest, and there the kid totally makes an entrance. Don't you think he probably posed himself against the tree before he opened his mouth? When I think of him not on I think of him getting criticized by Lucius or yelled at by Flint or, his more extreme moments, after the ferret incident and when he sees Harry at the end of OotP. There he's trying to hold on to a character but he seems sort of losing it. It's not a good performance because he's out of his depth and the real emotion is too strong or something.

I mean, things have much more regrets and concessions always attached to them, and yet being fictional, Harry and Draco get to be forever on the verge of possible perfection, to me anyway.

Yes! Yes! Yes! It's like any time they're together everything quivers on the edge!! Why? I have no idea. It just does. It's very different from any other OTPs I've had--I guess they're all different.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Don't you think he probably posed himself against the tree before he opened his mouth?

wah. that's so adorable. i'm all tempted to write him like that, except it'd be difficult for me, because he's so -real- and -vulnerable- in a subtle way, and i'd be afraid of messing it up, especially if i used his pov. that's really what would mess it up-- because his pov would be all in denial, and it'd be difficult to let the posturing & vulnerability come through. and as far as someone observing him, there seems to be no one there who's close to him and not totally biased, like say, pansy (or stupid like crabbe & goyle).

maybe his -father-. now -that's- an interesting fic. an account of draco's attraction to potter and general interactions with potter through his father's viewpoint. kind of boggles the mind, doesn't it. it sounds very difficult, but rewarding if i could do it right. the only problem is, i suck at lucius. but i think i know exactly what sort of lucius i -don't- like. actually, i don't like -any- lucius, but. hmmm.......

i'd like a lucius who isn't all "so cool" or "so badass" or "so perfectly icy" or "so intelligent". but i don't want him to be a slapstick villain either, of course. it's just hard to walk that line. i've never really thought about lucius in any depth. he's all "lalalala evil power-hungry megalomaniac wannabe", which bores me. but his relationship with draco is the most interesting thing about him.

hmmmm....
i mean, he -probably- knows draco better than anyone. he -probably- notices things (whether he admits it or not) about his son's behavior. what sorts of things does he say to draco? probably he holds things back, has his own agenda, edits like every parent self-edits. narcissa-and-draco holds little interest for me because his relationship to her seems so uncomplex. lucius bothers me as a character too much to really think about him much, but....

hmmmmm. he must've watched him since year one... it'd be so interesting to rewrite bits of all the 5 books through the eyes of lucius as he watched draco, and then go onward to years 6 & 7. hmmmm....

but no, he wouldn't have insight like you do, really, would he. so wah.
maybe snape???
no, snape has no insight about anybody. snape would be able to see more (being at school with draco), too. snape is too prejudiced against potter anyway, so he'd be too bent of a glass to look through.

blaise is a stupid plot-device, plus i hate thinly-disguised oc's being the focus. bleh.

it'd just be interesting to really -see- draco in fic but not through draco's eyes.
i think only harry could get away with really seeing him, ehehehehe. *beams happily*
it'd really take some doing to get harry to even care, but....

he's the only one with the -ability- and the -opportunity- and surprisingly, probably the least amount of things stopping him if he doesn't want them to be.

another possibility is hermione, though, which possibly makes -more- sense in an observational sort of way.
hmmmmmm...

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

Ah! Totally agree on Lucius' most interesting thing being his relationship with Draco. In CoS he basically tells us he's sick of listening to Draco go on and on about Harry, which is just too funny. He subtly directs him towards the racism in B&B too--I think a lot of people don't connect that scene to the Mudblood one. Like first Lucius lets Draco know that Hermione isn't Hermione but "a Muggleborn" that he should be able to beat so even if what Draco said about teachers favoring her were true it still wouldn't be any excuse. Then who ruins his one good moment but Hermione with her remark about his buying his way onto the team. She always makes him feel like a Mudblood, so he calls her one. It's almost like...this will sound weird, but Draco's openly calling Hermione that is almost like a rebellion or an expression of frustration against Lucius and the unfairness of his own life as much as Hermione herself.

It's really hard to think of who could "see" Draco in a fic. Snape could want be able to compare him to his own self in school, but Snape doesn't have the perspective to use that well. Lucius would have an agenda and I'd like to think there are things about Draco he doesn't know because otherwise the poor thing has nothing of his own. Crabbe and Goyle don't seem up for it. Pansy is biased and also would have her own agenda. It seems almost like it has to be an unknown character. Even Luna doesn't seem quite right. Damn, there's like nobody! Hermione's a good observer, but she's not so objective when it comes to someone she disapproves of...plus it seems kind of too invasive to have Hermione be the one to see him clearly because of who she is, you know?

[ljash.livejournal.com]

You know, I think I would rather think about Harry and Draco than read Heidegger, as well. And I think it's a toss up which one would teach you more.

So I take it you're a philosophy grad student? Or just taking some philosphy?

I, too, though, worry about the fantasy/reality thing. I don't think it's a problem to have a rich inner world, and I don't even think it's that bad if it distracts you from the real world. It's a way to live and many creative people do it. But sometimes I wonder about what I think about. Why am I so drawn to these love stories when in reality I've experienced nothing like it? Is that incredibly bad? Should I be seeking out these things or is it more that the stories are a catharsis that helps prevent me from seeking them out (as they are very destructive)? It's worrysome.

But I don't usually have a problem with total descent into an idea. Even if it's worrysome. I always come out the other side with good insights. I was embarrassed by my 6-month Buffy obsession but mostly that was because there was no one around to discuss it. I almost drowned in Lord of the Rings for three months and that one was actually kind of bad--I don't think I got my whole brain out of that one. Right now I'm in Harry and Draco. There's something there. Something to be grasped.

I don't know. Maybe it is all escapist. But it seems like it's not. I have enough things that are escapist. Escapist things require no thought. That's their trademark. In this, I bring myself with me. I consier it.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

hehe, i'm just taking some. actually, it's an english "theory of lit-crit" class, and we're just talking about er... the -theory- part more than i thought we would -.-

damn. post-structuralists are kind of lame, but interesting~:)
and erk. i'm not a grad student. ahahah, i'm just really lazy ><;;

i've been obsessed with love stories since i was little.... naturally, way before i ever experienced any sort of romantic love. but i never really connected -my- future with the stories-- actually, i just assumed that i -could- love like that, and the time will come when i will. even though my semi-adult self doesn't believe in fate, as a child i just assumed it existed. heh.

um.... but yeah, i think i -have- loved quite intensely, every time, simply because i'm that sort of person. i don't think it's something to avoid, though admittedly it kinda messed me up big time in each case. but that's my psychological instability more than anything.

aja's comment (http://www.livejournal.com/users/vanityfair/307472.html?replyto=3737360) recently pretty much sums up a lot of why -i'm- obsessed with h/d-- i definitely do think there's something there. the people who don't see it are usually just not idealistic and romantic enough, heh~:0

escapist things sometimes require no thought, it's true... but sometimes, the nature of the thought-- whether you're using it to obscure clarity or to create it, and the -reason- why you're wanting this clarity-- would matter too, i imagine.

[ljash.livejournal.com]

Oh dear. Does that mean I'm idealistic and romantic? Wow, that revelation comes out of left field for me. It's even almost disturbing.

Yet it's true. Ok, now it is disturbing. I mean, I don't much care about the Harry Potter books--or rather I like them but I don't seem to love them as much as everyone else I end up talking to. I'm mildy fond of Harry. I'm obsessed with Draco but not for any real reason. He is in fact a twit. But for some reason I want to save him, which is an inane impulse to begin with. He is really, really screwed. By his author, I think, or at least that's what I react to the most strongly. But also by his upbringing or his social standing or whatnot. By the upcoming war and his inevitable place in it (either Death Eater or coward or traitor--there's no happy choices for Draco). I want something to lift him out of that and the only thing possible is a passionate love that can reinvent the world for him. Nothing else seems strong enough.

So, then, wow. I am a romantic. I never knew.

;)

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

want something to lift him out of that and the only thing possible is a passionate love that can reinvent the world for him. Nothing else seems strong enough.

hee. at least you're not alone :-?
*shares your delusions with you* >:D