(no subject)
Sep. 16th, 2003 04:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reenkaahhhh, wrongness.
i was totally depressing myself with what a lazy-ass i am and how much work i have to do and how pointless school seemed suddenly and how everything sucks but me especially, and then, and then...
lo, but i remembered to think of how my drawn!harry&draco would feel about aja's!h&d doing the dirty as they watched aja write the latter in front of them. heh. man. i feel kind of bad about it. i've always been prone to using romanticism & fantasy to escape, and indeed this is called 'escapism' for a reason. it feels so -good- to just... forget everything and go, 'omg, harry & draco -kissing-. it's a -good day-.' sigh. and you're not the dork who -still- hadn't gotten a syllabus two weeks later. you're not the dork who keeps missing classes & digging herself in deeper. no, you are just the receptacle for the heavenly fantasy-land where harry & draco kiss on command. heh.
see, this is why fannishness is inherently not too healthy for me, anyway. i mean, there's a good level where it just entertains you and inspires you to improve your writing & to make connections with other people, and then there's sitting in the library and grinning and thinking, "oh good, good, i don't have to dwell on -reality- anymore."
i suppose i don't talk about myself much, as sara said-- or at all. so it stands to reason that most of you feel you don't know me. i think a part of -me- doesn't want to know me; the me that goes to classes (or misses them), the me that is lazy & clueless & defeatist & all sorts of messed up. i manage to kind of stay together thinking and doing all the things that come naturally, that involve positive reinforcement-- writing & thinking about things i have something to say about & talking about happy things like boyporn... and stuff.
the sad fact is, life is not all about boyporn, and like, i wouldn't even want it to be. i don't even talk porn -here- most of the time. this is not to say that isn't what i prefer -thinking- about. er, no, i don't mean sex, i mean... the happy. i want to write because it's got inherent self-satisfaction involved in it, unlike reading heidegger-- which is fun in class but not so fun when i'm doing it -instead- of reading fanfic. and i -know- that 'instead of' is just a mental construct, but it really bothers me anyway. i'm such a mood-driven person. in class, i'm in the mood to think about heidegger, for instance, but after class, i mostly don't want to then sit down and read 100 pages of dense text. sigh.
this was going to be a post about how h/d porn is the answer to all ills, because after thinking about it in any detail, i get all happy. insta-happy. and now that's sad too. there's a reason i don't talk about myself in these terms, clearly -.-
i was totally depressing myself with what a lazy-ass i am and how much work i have to do and how pointless school seemed suddenly and how everything sucks but me especially, and then, and then...
lo, but i remembered to think of how my drawn!harry&draco would feel about aja's!h&d doing the dirty as they watched aja write the latter in front of them. heh. man. i feel kind of bad about it. i've always been prone to using romanticism & fantasy to escape, and indeed this is called 'escapism' for a reason. it feels so -good- to just... forget everything and go, 'omg, harry & draco -kissing-. it's a -good day-.' sigh. and you're not the dork who -still- hadn't gotten a syllabus two weeks later. you're not the dork who keeps missing classes & digging herself in deeper. no, you are just the receptacle for the heavenly fantasy-land where harry & draco kiss on command. heh.
see, this is why fannishness is inherently not too healthy for me, anyway. i mean, there's a good level where it just entertains you and inspires you to improve your writing & to make connections with other people, and then there's sitting in the library and grinning and thinking, "oh good, good, i don't have to dwell on -reality- anymore."
i suppose i don't talk about myself much, as sara said-- or at all. so it stands to reason that most of you feel you don't know me. i think a part of -me- doesn't want to know me; the me that goes to classes (or misses them), the me that is lazy & clueless & defeatist & all sorts of messed up. i manage to kind of stay together thinking and doing all the things that come naturally, that involve positive reinforcement-- writing & thinking about things i have something to say about & talking about happy things like boyporn... and stuff.
the sad fact is, life is not all about boyporn, and like, i wouldn't even want it to be. i don't even talk porn -here- most of the time. this is not to say that isn't what i prefer -thinking- about. er, no, i don't mean sex, i mean... the happy. i want to write because it's got inherent self-satisfaction involved in it, unlike reading heidegger-- which is fun in class but not so fun when i'm doing it -instead- of reading fanfic. and i -know- that 'instead of' is just a mental construct, but it really bothers me anyway. i'm such a mood-driven person. in class, i'm in the mood to think about heidegger, for instance, but after class, i mostly don't want to then sit down and read 100 pages of dense text. sigh.
this was going to be a post about how h/d porn is the answer to all ills, because after thinking about it in any detail, i get all happy. insta-happy. and now that's sad too. there's a reason i don't talk about myself in these terms, clearly -.-
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no subject
Date: 2003-09-24 03:09 am (UTC)So I take it you're a philosophy grad student? Or just taking some philosphy?
I, too, though, worry about the fantasy/reality thing. I don't think it's a problem to have a rich inner world, and I don't even think it's that bad if it distracts you from the real world. It's a way to live and many creative people do it. But sometimes I wonder about what I think about. Why am I so drawn to these love stories when in reality I've experienced nothing like it? Is that incredibly bad? Should I be seeking out these things or is it more that the stories are a catharsis that helps prevent me from seeking them out (as they are very destructive)? It's worrysome.
But I don't usually have a problem with total descent into an idea. Even if it's worrysome. I always come out the other side with good insights. I was embarrassed by my 6-month Buffy obsession but mostly that was because there was no one around to discuss it. I almost drowned in Lord of the Rings for three months and that one was actually kind of bad--I don't think I got my whole brain out of that one. Right now I'm in Harry and Draco. There's something there. Something to be grasped.
I don't know. Maybe it is all escapist. But it seems like it's not. I have enough things that are escapist. Escapist things require no thought. That's their trademark. In this, I bring myself with me. I consier it.
no subject
Date: 2003-09-24 05:34 pm (UTC)damn. post-structuralists are kind of lame, but interesting~:)
and erk. i'm not a grad student. ahahah, i'm just really lazy ><;;
i've been obsessed with love stories since i was little.... naturally, way before i ever experienced any sort of romantic love. but i never really connected -my- future with the stories-- actually, i just assumed that i -could- love like that, and the time will come when i will. even though my semi-adult self doesn't believe in fate, as a child i just assumed it existed. heh.
um.... but yeah, i think i -have- loved quite intensely, every time, simply because i'm that sort of person. i don't think it's something to avoid, though admittedly it kinda messed me up big time in each case. but that's my psychological instability more than anything.
aja's comment (http://www.livejournal.com/users/vanityfair/307472.html?replyto=3737360) recently pretty much sums up a lot of why -i'm- obsessed with h/d-- i definitely do think there's something there. the people who don't see it are usually just not idealistic and romantic enough, heh~:0
escapist things sometimes require no thought, it's true... but sometimes, the nature of the thought-- whether you're using it to obscure clarity or to create it, and the -reason- why you're wanting this clarity-- would matter too, i imagine.
no subject
Date: 2003-09-26 11:23 pm (UTC)Yet it's true. Ok, now it is disturbing. I mean, I don't much care about the Harry Potter books--or rather I like them but I don't seem to love them as much as everyone else I end up talking to. I'm mildy fond of Harry. I'm obsessed with Draco but not for any real reason. He is in fact a twit. But for some reason I want to save him, which is an inane impulse to begin with. He is really, really screwed. By his author, I think, or at least that's what I react to the most strongly. But also by his upbringing or his social standing or whatnot. By the upcoming war and his inevitable place in it (either Death Eater or coward or traitor--there's no happy choices for Draco). I want something to lift him out of that and the only thing possible is a passionate love that can reinvent the world for him. Nothing else seems strong enough.
So, then, wow. I am a romantic. I never knew.
;)
no subject
Date: 2003-09-26 11:46 pm (UTC)hee. at least you're not alone :-?
*shares your delusions with you* >:D