(no subject)
Sep. 16th, 2003 04:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reenkaahhhh, wrongness.
i was totally depressing myself with what a lazy-ass i am and how much work i have to do and how pointless school seemed suddenly and how everything sucks but me especially, and then, and then...
lo, but i remembered to think of how my drawn!harry&draco would feel about aja's!h&d doing the dirty as they watched aja write the latter in front of them. heh. man. i feel kind of bad about it. i've always been prone to using romanticism & fantasy to escape, and indeed this is called 'escapism' for a reason. it feels so -good- to just... forget everything and go, 'omg, harry & draco -kissing-. it's a -good day-.' sigh. and you're not the dork who -still- hadn't gotten a syllabus two weeks later. you're not the dork who keeps missing classes & digging herself in deeper. no, you are just the receptacle for the heavenly fantasy-land where harry & draco kiss on command. heh.
see, this is why fannishness is inherently not too healthy for me, anyway. i mean, there's a good level where it just entertains you and inspires you to improve your writing & to make connections with other people, and then there's sitting in the library and grinning and thinking, "oh good, good, i don't have to dwell on -reality- anymore."
i suppose i don't talk about myself much, as sara said-- or at all. so it stands to reason that most of you feel you don't know me. i think a part of -me- doesn't want to know me; the me that goes to classes (or misses them), the me that is lazy & clueless & defeatist & all sorts of messed up. i manage to kind of stay together thinking and doing all the things that come naturally, that involve positive reinforcement-- writing & thinking about things i have something to say about & talking about happy things like boyporn... and stuff.
the sad fact is, life is not all about boyporn, and like, i wouldn't even want it to be. i don't even talk porn -here- most of the time. this is not to say that isn't what i prefer -thinking- about. er, no, i don't mean sex, i mean... the happy. i want to write because it's got inherent self-satisfaction involved in it, unlike reading heidegger-- which is fun in class but not so fun when i'm doing it -instead- of reading fanfic. and i -know- that 'instead of' is just a mental construct, but it really bothers me anyway. i'm such a mood-driven person. in class, i'm in the mood to think about heidegger, for instance, but after class, i mostly don't want to then sit down and read 100 pages of dense text. sigh.
this was going to be a post about how h/d porn is the answer to all ills, because after thinking about it in any detail, i get all happy. insta-happy. and now that's sad too. there's a reason i don't talk about myself in these terms, clearly -.-
i was totally depressing myself with what a lazy-ass i am and how much work i have to do and how pointless school seemed suddenly and how everything sucks but me especially, and then, and then...
lo, but i remembered to think of how my drawn!harry&draco would feel about aja's!h&d doing the dirty as they watched aja write the latter in front of them. heh. man. i feel kind of bad about it. i've always been prone to using romanticism & fantasy to escape, and indeed this is called 'escapism' for a reason. it feels so -good- to just... forget everything and go, 'omg, harry & draco -kissing-. it's a -good day-.' sigh. and you're not the dork who -still- hadn't gotten a syllabus two weeks later. you're not the dork who keeps missing classes & digging herself in deeper. no, you are just the receptacle for the heavenly fantasy-land where harry & draco kiss on command. heh.
see, this is why fannishness is inherently not too healthy for me, anyway. i mean, there's a good level where it just entertains you and inspires you to improve your writing & to make connections with other people, and then there's sitting in the library and grinning and thinking, "oh good, good, i don't have to dwell on -reality- anymore."
i suppose i don't talk about myself much, as sara said-- or at all. so it stands to reason that most of you feel you don't know me. i think a part of -me- doesn't want to know me; the me that goes to classes (or misses them), the me that is lazy & clueless & defeatist & all sorts of messed up. i manage to kind of stay together thinking and doing all the things that come naturally, that involve positive reinforcement-- writing & thinking about things i have something to say about & talking about happy things like boyporn... and stuff.
the sad fact is, life is not all about boyporn, and like, i wouldn't even want it to be. i don't even talk porn -here- most of the time. this is not to say that isn't what i prefer -thinking- about. er, no, i don't mean sex, i mean... the happy. i want to write because it's got inherent self-satisfaction involved in it, unlike reading heidegger-- which is fun in class but not so fun when i'm doing it -instead- of reading fanfic. and i -know- that 'instead of' is just a mental construct, but it really bothers me anyway. i'm such a mood-driven person. in class, i'm in the mood to think about heidegger, for instance, but after class, i mostly don't want to then sit down and read 100 pages of dense text. sigh.
this was going to be a post about how h/d porn is the answer to all ills, because after thinking about it in any detail, i get all happy. insta-happy. and now that's sad too. there's a reason i don't talk about myself in these terms, clearly -.-
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no subject
Date: 2003-09-16 03:57 pm (UTC)it's a self-effacing thing. i was mostly calling myself a doofus & hoping you didn't take that to mean i was trying to somehow insult you ><
and anyway, there are worse things to be.
it's all on that dork/doofus/geek/wacko/freak spectrum, heh.
*tries to soothe*
if it makes you feel any better, i use the term affectionately, really. sort of like... we're all dopey but we're okay.
*coughs* okay, i'm probably making it worse, aren't i. meep!
:X
i just meant thanks. er. it's easier without the doofus part, really ><;;; hee
no subject
Date: 2003-09-16 06:32 pm (UTC)