(no subject)
Sep. 16th, 2003 04:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reenkaahhhh, wrongness.
i was totally depressing myself with what a lazy-ass i am and how much work i have to do and how pointless school seemed suddenly and how everything sucks but me especially, and then, and then...
lo, but i remembered to think of how my drawn!harry&draco would feel about aja's!h&d doing the dirty as they watched aja write the latter in front of them. heh. man. i feel kind of bad about it. i've always been prone to using romanticism & fantasy to escape, and indeed this is called 'escapism' for a reason. it feels so -good- to just... forget everything and go, 'omg, harry & draco -kissing-. it's a -good day-.' sigh. and you're not the dork who -still- hadn't gotten a syllabus two weeks later. you're not the dork who keeps missing classes & digging herself in deeper. no, you are just the receptacle for the heavenly fantasy-land where harry & draco kiss on command. heh.
see, this is why fannishness is inherently not too healthy for me, anyway. i mean, there's a good level where it just entertains you and inspires you to improve your writing & to make connections with other people, and then there's sitting in the library and grinning and thinking, "oh good, good, i don't have to dwell on -reality- anymore."
i suppose i don't talk about myself much, as sara said-- or at all. so it stands to reason that most of you feel you don't know me. i think a part of -me- doesn't want to know me; the me that goes to classes (or misses them), the me that is lazy & clueless & defeatist & all sorts of messed up. i manage to kind of stay together thinking and doing all the things that come naturally, that involve positive reinforcement-- writing & thinking about things i have something to say about & talking about happy things like boyporn... and stuff.
the sad fact is, life is not all about boyporn, and like, i wouldn't even want it to be. i don't even talk porn -here- most of the time. this is not to say that isn't what i prefer -thinking- about. er, no, i don't mean sex, i mean... the happy. i want to write because it's got inherent self-satisfaction involved in it, unlike reading heidegger-- which is fun in class but not so fun when i'm doing it -instead- of reading fanfic. and i -know- that 'instead of' is just a mental construct, but it really bothers me anyway. i'm such a mood-driven person. in class, i'm in the mood to think about heidegger, for instance, but after class, i mostly don't want to then sit down and read 100 pages of dense text. sigh.
this was going to be a post about how h/d porn is the answer to all ills, because after thinking about it in any detail, i get all happy. insta-happy. and now that's sad too. there's a reason i don't talk about myself in these terms, clearly -.-
i was totally depressing myself with what a lazy-ass i am and how much work i have to do and how pointless school seemed suddenly and how everything sucks but me especially, and then, and then...
lo, but i remembered to think of how my drawn!harry&draco would feel about aja's!h&d doing the dirty as they watched aja write the latter in front of them. heh. man. i feel kind of bad about it. i've always been prone to using romanticism & fantasy to escape, and indeed this is called 'escapism' for a reason. it feels so -good- to just... forget everything and go, 'omg, harry & draco -kissing-. it's a -good day-.' sigh. and you're not the dork who -still- hadn't gotten a syllabus two weeks later. you're not the dork who keeps missing classes & digging herself in deeper. no, you are just the receptacle for the heavenly fantasy-land where harry & draco kiss on command. heh.
see, this is why fannishness is inherently not too healthy for me, anyway. i mean, there's a good level where it just entertains you and inspires you to improve your writing & to make connections with other people, and then there's sitting in the library and grinning and thinking, "oh good, good, i don't have to dwell on -reality- anymore."
i suppose i don't talk about myself much, as sara said-- or at all. so it stands to reason that most of you feel you don't know me. i think a part of -me- doesn't want to know me; the me that goes to classes (or misses them), the me that is lazy & clueless & defeatist & all sorts of messed up. i manage to kind of stay together thinking and doing all the things that come naturally, that involve positive reinforcement-- writing & thinking about things i have something to say about & talking about happy things like boyporn... and stuff.
the sad fact is, life is not all about boyporn, and like, i wouldn't even want it to be. i don't even talk porn -here- most of the time. this is not to say that isn't what i prefer -thinking- about. er, no, i don't mean sex, i mean... the happy. i want to write because it's got inherent self-satisfaction involved in it, unlike reading heidegger-- which is fun in class but not so fun when i'm doing it -instead- of reading fanfic. and i -know- that 'instead of' is just a mental construct, but it really bothers me anyway. i'm such a mood-driven person. in class, i'm in the mood to think about heidegger, for instance, but after class, i mostly don't want to then sit down and read 100 pages of dense text. sigh.
this was going to be a post about how h/d porn is the answer to all ills, because after thinking about it in any detail, i get all happy. insta-happy. and now that's sad too. there's a reason i don't talk about myself in these terms, clearly -.-
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-09-17 04:08 pm (UTC)It's really hard to think of who could "see" Draco in a fic. Snape could want be able to compare him to his own self in school, but Snape doesn't have the perspective to use that well. Lucius would have an agenda and I'd like to think there are things about Draco he doesn't know because otherwise the poor thing has nothing of his own. Crabbe and Goyle don't seem up for it. Pansy is biased and also would have her own agenda. It seems almost like it has to be an unknown character. Even Luna doesn't seem quite right. Damn, there's like nobody! Hermione's a good observer, but she's not so objective when it comes to someone she disapproves of...plus it seems kind of too invasive to have Hermione be the one to see him clearly because of who she is, you know?