reenka

Thinking further about the love semantics thread that won't die, a basic question just struck me: is it even -possible- to call yourself an idealist/romantic if what you idealize is partly the imperfection or flawed nature of something [love]? I mean, is the disagreement because people "fully" idealize love by giving it only its very best possible qualities and I idealize it by just really valuing it in all its messed-up painful glory? On some 'ideal' level that can encompass psycho murderers killing their lovers, I basically think all things that pass for love in any individual are 'Good' & 'Right'; the [often messed-up/crazy/violent] consequences are of course another story. I sometimes get messed up like this 'cause I want to see these things (Love, Imagination, Truth, Reason) as basically positive, but they only are in their application. Even knowing they can be seriously fucked with in practice, I still idealize/super-admire them. Which. Makes me an idealist, non?
    It occurs to me that maybe the idea is that as an idealist, you're supposed to seek perfection in whatever concept/philosophical construct you fancy, and if you don't find it, you find things [reality] lacking and on some level, false. I mean, you'd have to be really mired in semantics to say this, but I suppose this way one can actually argue that I'm not a romantic or an idealist o_0 Which is... REALLY not true. Uh. o_0 But fact remains someone can (and did) disagree with me -because- they're 'a romantic'. *_____*

...Though I used to be more -naive- than I am now, certainly, as well as more depressed & frustrated 'cause I always realized the world pretty much sucked and there was no obvious way to just... y'know, FIX IT (...while remaining basically lazy and avoidant, but shush) :P But then I learned to relax and love the fuck ups. Most of the time. In any case, it's weird to think that 'real' idealism = beating your head against a brick wall because it's not, in fact, a wooden wall-- and THEREFORE IT'S NOT A *REAL* WALL, you see. I hope not. I mean, I already do enough of that anyway (witness my posts on H/D -.-)

( ...cut 'cause I know no one cares, hahah. )

I was just thinking-- reading a summary of the latest chapter of Youka Nitta's married-couple series ('Haru wo Daiteita') where Iwaki and Katou are always ruminating on what it means to be an actor & how that applies to their relationship-- when Iwaki thought about how 'pointless' (if tempting) it is to compare oneself to others [as an actor] & that he understood this when he 'won against' himself. I think, y'know, this really applies to how I feel about writing, too.

Usually my sense of satisfaction in writing comes from the feeling that I've addressed something I thought was fascinating within my thoughts (about canon, characters, etc) or intense within my feelings (this could have any source & use fanfic as an outlet, so that 'H/D' is really 'The Default Couple' I play with). This is my default, but that's because I'm a hermit-- I think it's really almost impossible to escape when part of a community.
    I mean, yes, I felt purged when various conversations & ideas I've had about H/D came together & I wrote that Sectumsempra fic (even though I really couldn't stand the idea of most HBP AUs). It's such a release when things finally percolate and combust forcefully inside your mind to produce a fic out of nowhere, with the right push at the right time. My sense of pleasure is purely personal, feeling I've painted one more corner of my inner H/D cosmos, unrelated to the fact that objectively I think the fic is sloppy, somewhat emotionally overwrought & incomplete :P

    Anyway, I was just skimming a few of the holiday-comm H/D fics & recent stuff on hd_prophet, and it was pretty depressing to realize all over again just how out of sync I am with fandom (prompting a sense of guilt for writing 'just for myself' 'cause this means I don't communicate the differences/ideas I find important & try to get them out there too).
    ( *sigh*/ramble/etcetc... )

This was locked 'cause I wrote it while half-asleep, but uh... it's not anymore -.-;; I fixed it up a bit. Not a lot though, so beware of falling participles :P

It's an HBP AU (I KNOW!!) spin off from the Sectumsempra scene, as per malafede's request. Uh. As a warning, I listened to 'Nothing Compares 2 U'. On repeat -.-

( `Sleep to Dream' - H/D - NC17 or so - Of course Malfoy is a dick and he deserved it, so why is Harry feeling sick? )

In my increasing habit of asking rhetorical questions so I don't have to think too hard: what is it when even when 'you' see an argument you disagree with in fannish circles (see example in the community for ms_manna's Administration series), what bothers 'you' isn't the faulty argument assumptions but rather the form of argument? (...and NO, it's not that it's impolite :P haha)
    No, what really gets up my collar is things like projection, over-simplification, people who simply don't -read- the other person's comments closely enough, and various other forms of 'conversational terrorism'. It gets to the point where even when I basically agree with a person, I have to fight the urge to go, OKAY, BUT YOU'RE OVER-SIMPLIFYING AND EXAGGERATING FOR YOUR OWN ENDS, DUDE!! :O!!1 STOP THAT, STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!! (...this is what happens when one's mum is a rationalist conversational Nazi, man... one gets a bit... sensitive. -.- Okay, so most of the time I don't really care or take it seriously, but it builds up, okay. Plus it's worse when I actually otherwise respect the other person's opinion. -.-;)

( ...oh, who cares ^^;; )
~~

In other news, I still think Blair is hot :D

You may have (or uh, may not have) noticed that I don't really... write serious meta anymore. I sort of ramble in my deluded little way, but I don't sit there for 3 hours-- sometimes over several days-- and make up theses and ideas and arguments based on current fandom events. Hey, it's fine, I just thought I was lazy and burnt out-- I know I am. Reading this exchange on dkwilliams' recent fannish-manners post, it occurred to me really why: there is no point.
    I mean, okay, I've read these sorts of posts dozens of times over the last few years, and do you know how often I've seen people change each other's minds? More specifically, how often I've seen the original poster modify their position after commenters' input? With the exception of myself, there's only sistermagpie that comes to mind in terms of someone who does that consistently-- I mean, my friends listen to me, but that's generally because they already know me/respect my opinion/etc [I assume]. That is-- people who don't know each other don't tend to do that. They don't change their minds; they don't really listen to each other, and if they do, it's only long enough to reiterate their point yet again.

This whole eternal politeness 'debate' is such a great example of this phenomenon, because as witchqueen said so well in the comments, basically we can't agree on what 'politeness' (or ANY given ethical/literary/etc construct) means from person to person, situation to situation. Why can't we agree? And what about when we -do- agree, Reena [you may ask].
    Well, it's true that sometimes people have a shared context-- often because of an equivalent educational background. Meaning, if you both finished an American university within the last 25 years, you probably have the skills to mediate whatever disagreements are left after the, y'know, brainwashing :D That said, I'm not at all an innate subjectivist; meaning, I don't believe people's behavior is right, I just observe it :P

Mostly, [in their semi-mythical 'natural' state] people think differently; they have different assumptions, different contexts they use as jumping off points-- and most of the time they don't pause to compare-and-contrast before they muddle in and get offended. Unless you -do- have people who're willing to listen and pay attention to each other's context (generally friends or trained academics), what you have is basically Babel fandom, as is-- sort of an in-between trade-off where no one's ever completely happy if they're using some specific ideal 'standard' to measure it by besides 'is this hot?' and 'will my friends like it?' On the plus side, lots & lots of people use that non-standard. 'Cause, y'know, here for fun. Don't care about little details.

You know, I really think 98% of so-called recurrent 'fandom debates' could be 'resolved' thusly:
    Q: Why do you think this way/do this? Don't you realize it's non-canon/non-good/non-ethical and just plain ol' NOT NICE? [*sniffle* or *grrrrr* = optional]
    A: Because I am like this/that's what I like/believe/want for myself. ['Now take that and shove it' = optional]
    Q: Why are you like that/why do you like that? Don't you REALIZE how WRONG and SAD it is?
    A: BECAUSE. Uh, because I said so. ['BECAUSE FILTHY DUUURTY PR0N IS MY CONSTITUTIONAL HERITAGE AS AN AMERICAN!!1 ...AND SO IS TELLING YOU TO FUCK YOURSELF, HAR HAR!' = optional]
    Q: You're really an ignorant mongrel, aren't you?
    A: No, YOU ARE (but what am I?).
    Q: Don't you want to get better & CHANGE? ['Here, let me help you and write this delightfully helpful 'tutorial' post on how NOT TO SUCK DONKEY EGGS' = optional]
    A: No. Let's agree to disagree.*

*Note: I hate that phrase :> And neither do I think most people actually -mean- it in the sense that they'll henceforth personally accept the validity of other people's dissenting opinions (which they really disagree with)-- they'll just stop arguing with -them- about it. When the next sucker starts trying to discuss it, of course it'll start over. This is made even more insane by the obvious fact that not all opinions -are- actually equally valid, so any rational person must eventually accept that they may very well be -right- but it doesn't matter. (In fandom, I mean... in terms of real social change, eventually things do change-- though decades pass-- and like, uh, some really annoying constants in terms of human behavior always remain anyway, like, oh I dunno, RUDENESS for instance.)
    In the end, I take the side of the rude people (not that they have an organized 'side', generally, which makes it difficult to rant against them, BUT ANYWAY I'm trying to be general here) just because I'm against arguing against constants because it's-- I dunno, less productive than rudeness. I sort of admire a person who knows exactly what they want to -achieve- by being an asshole, though this rarely actually happens. ^^; That said, there's a difference between 'arguing against' and ranting against/letting off steam; I rant against lots of things I know very well will never change, just 'cause I'd go [more] insane if I didn't :/

PS: I actually wanted to write a meta post about Richard Matheson's '7 Steps to Midnight' (which is an awesome book if not for the romance), plot, obsession, and seeing 'Stranger than Fiction' a few days ago, but. Somehow, my motivation's a little low :>

Man... I'm rewatching my BtVS Faith vids on a whim, and of course it's reminding me how awesome Faith is, so I'm trying to think of women that I think are hardcore as much as she is [in fandom]. And. It's difficult -.-

All I'm coming up with is Scully (don't laugh!!), Arya (well, there's a GRRM fandom), and well, there's Willow & Buffy in BtVS too (as well as other 'solid' female characters), but I'm less thinking of 'good strong female characters' & more... really COOL, hardcore female characters that are totally as badass, selfish & violent as the guys (or as coolly rational & competent, whatever). Y'know, girls that make you starry-eyed. Uh. Not the most objective measure in the world, I realize ^^;; Buffy herself is sort of like that in my head. Ginny in HBP is sort of a bad parody of a girl like that :)) I love the type, though, when they're more like Faith (more honest about being hardass, I mean) and less like Ginny, I guess. Though I like Ginny. -.- I used to make my Pansy like that, but people have told me she's OOC enough times that I'm like 'uh... oh well' :))
    Oooh, McGonagall is like that :D :D :D She doesn't make me starry-eyed (most of the time), though -.-

( ...heh. )

...In other news, I finally watched ep 1 of The Sentinel today. And MAN. I can't believe I actually enjoy the show almost as much as the fic. I mean, they're pretty, but it's so cheesy & lame but I CAN'T HELP IT 'cause it's like... you can already tell it's About Jim & Blair-- like if Brian/Justin is sex-without-commitment, here you have aaaaall the platonic commitment EVER, just no sex. I think I actually prefer the latter :D Though if you know me, you know I only mean 'in small doses', y'know, ahahah.

Well, it's November, which means it's time for the gwyaoi.org annual Illustrated Novella contest, so I'm all primed for vids ('cause of The Sentinel), and obviously yaoi and anime :D

Anyway, the 'Gay Boyfriend' vid with the multiple shows (PoT & GW & Evangelion & Tokyo Babylon & YnM and so on) is just adorable and hilarious and makes me feel like a vindicated crazed yaoi fangirl. Yus. :D And also, Relena is especially fitting as a 1x2 fangirl. Yeah, it's pretty much pure crack :D The original video for that song (for comparison) is even more crack *___* Almost.
    PS: Just in case you need to know more, just read the lyrics to the song by The Hazzards :D :D It kinda... says it all :)) Even though it's... uh... not the most flattering portrait of yaoi fangirls, but IT'S SO ACCURATE AHAHAHklfjsakljfdskljg;lkjsfdlkjg But mostly I love the vid 'cause there's so much boylove UST in shounen anime, there really is. :D :D It's sort of like a yaoi fangirl anthem, it really is :D

...man, I really love [good] vids. A lot. So it's sort of sucks that my main fandom for years is the one exception, where not only do most vids suck (not to mention there just -aren't- a lot), but I don't associate the movies with the characters ^^;
    Sometimes, you know, I feel like I should be over H/D [not to mention HP] by now, but Draco really is My Gay Boyfriend ♥♥♥ HEE. And it's not exactly surprising, anyway, considering I'm still not over 1x2 or Kirk/Spock or Peter Pan or... uh, anything I've ever loved. -.-

There's this weird feeling I get skimming through these short little fics by ___visions, especially Same, but also this poem-like thing. It's like, it's not -good- or polished or particularly concerned with canon, but... what I really like is that it gives me The Feeling. Like hearing a tune you know and love, even if it's sung off-key and a sounds a little hokey with that harmonica or whatever. It's like it's got its heart in the right place, or something.

I particularly like the beginning, which reads a lot like one of the myriad angsty intellislashy H/D fics I imprinted on back in '02. I used to write about Draco's "moon-white complexion", man. I know it's kinda lame, but I'm still nostalgic about it; tragic-yet-spiteful skinny-as-a-reed Draco with his sharp cheekbones and sharper words. Heh. Okay, so then the ficlet goes completely off-course, but I like the beginning, pleasantly pre-OoTP as it is.

The whole aesthetic's mostly different now, y'know. People (writers) seem to have completely accepted Draco as someone who needs compassion; he's not much of a badboy or controversial figure in the fandom anymore, even if he is to -Harry- (at least, moreso). And I know it's just plain wrong to say Harry hated him more than the Dursleys 'at first sight', but that's exactly the sort of thing I miss; the sort of Harry who's plagued by Draco, who's insecure and resentful rather than, y'know, 'a perfect boyfriend'. This is hilarious, in a way, since HBP was pretty much a ripe breeding ground for angst; Harry was plagued by Draco-- his ghost, almost, seeing as how he was mostly in absentia (though of course most people took it sexually). You know... like, I think I just... am an angst-hound in H/D, more than I usually am with other pairings. They just... do it so well :>
    Ahahaha, I just got feedback on a really old fluff-fic from '02 ('My Favourite Things') saying my Draco was the 'perfect boyfriend' (!!!!!!!!) and yet IC somehow (!!!!!) so now I have angst :)) I was actually thinking of reading helenish's Ron/Draco fics 'cause I absolutely adore her Sentinel stuff, but... nooooooo. I'm still chained. :>

...I kind of miss [my old] fandom. :/ I love bitter/angry lovesongs for H/D ♥

This is bad. Just when I should be doing... oh, a zillion other, exciting (...not too sarcastic) things here in rainy, beautiful Seattle, I... uh, fell head-over-heels for Jim&Blair. Woe. :/ I feel a bit embarrassed, too, 'cause... it's not like they're the most... uhhh, deep or angsty pairing :P I mean, they -could- be, but they don't breathe 'deep meaningfulness' or whatever, mostly 'cause there's nothing too tragic (unless you count Blair's eventual semi-positive self-sacrifice, but that's more in the 'awww' category as well, for me. I CAN'T HELP IT. SO CUTE.)

Aaaanyway. Funny thing is, I'm more H/D-ey than I was like, a year ago, when I felt all burnt out and like 'okay, HBP. now what. NOW NOTHING.' so. Things are pretty much normal in Reena-land, probably. I mean, I've accepted that [99.9% of other people's] H/D fanfic doesn't do it for me, but that... that's okay, hahaha, I've accepted it. I've moved on!! :D I can still write them & think about them without constantly being bitter that I can't read them (...or write them) the way I like, haha. I know, AMAZING :D

I mean, yesterday I was trudging through the rain and my own sleep-deprived Sentinel-obsessed exhaustion in the dark, finally got to the mall and was sort of absent-mindedly thinking of my Ideal H/D Story-structure ('cause really, I could barely string two sentences together in my head and this is my default Thing, ahahah). I had to wait for like, 20 minutes for the person ahead of me to finish buying like, 10 zillion pale green towels, so I grabbed a handy catalog postcard & scribbled my ideas :> :>
    Funny, 'cause I was just thinking how I keep writing H/D fic and H/D meta, and rarely do the twin approaches meet; I know some (most? dunno) people who don't just write kinkfic write as a direct expression of their 'Ideas' on characters/plot, but I honestly don't; I -want- to, I guess, but I just don't plot things out in advance by nature, or -plan- things in advance, so I end up flying by the seat of my v. impulsive (and porn-obsessed) pants most of the time.

...Which means I write snarky fluff & porn and darkfic when I'm moody, basically :)) Oh, and unfinished never-posted WIPs where I actually -have- [somewhat disjointed] Ideas that putter out from lack of continuous energy-management skillz. :/ (In other words, I need someone to kick my butt to get me to finish this 'thinky'-type stuff, but no one volunteers, so... ahahahah. *cough*)

...So anyway, here's my Ideal Thinky Prototypical H/D outline chronology type-thing, the one I'd write but also the one I kinda... wanted to read. *coughs* Mostly, no one has written long H/D with all these elements (to my knowledge), including myself. In other words, this is The Way It Really Happens In My Head:
    ( if I ever got off my ass, that is. ^^;; )

Man, I miss all my Sandman volumes sometimes... though not my old 60+ Star Trek novels, hahah. I can't even imagine getting them from my mom's apt... talk about embarrassing. I was just reading through this sort of metatastic post on despair and of course I thought of Despair. Heh, I used to identify with her & Delirium quite a lot... but well, they're kinda flip-sides of the same coin, though I suppose this leaves Desire in the lurch. Well, maybe Desire's first, Delirium second, and Despair last. That is to say, Death is really last, but then she's also first; heheh you can tell that Sandman is like, my most ideal story ever, right? It's still up there-- my #1-- and it's weird, but I've never liked Neil's other work nearly as much. It's like The Sandman was just too perfect a fusion of story & writer, or something, and once you hit that sort of level, anything else is bound to disappoint. Or maybe that's just me, the person who's never been able to read any other Arthur&Merlin retelling after deciding at age 12-13 that Mary Stewart's Merlin was perfect (funny how I love fanfic and fairy-tale retellings so much, but then I don't usually think of any story as 'perfect', thank god... though I did sort of also lose interest in H/S for awhile after reading thisveryinstant's 'Truth'. As far as post-OoTP H/S goes, it's close enough to perfect for me).

I love that post's idea that despair is universal, unlike love-- either you know "it" or you don't. I was actually asking myself whether I could be absolutely sure I've felt "it", though, because... I think once you're out of it, it's hard to recall exactly. It fades, the way any intense emotion does, until you sort of recall it like a fugue of temporary insanity, sort of a black hole that sucks in normal memories and leaves you with vague impressions and shadows.

All this because I followed jahbulon from the latest xkcd strip post where he picked on one of those 'first comment!' people & replied to someone saying 'Who am I to judge' asking if they're sentient :D
    Anyway, this sent me on a tangent 'cause...
    ( I can't help myself ^^; )
~~

Anyway, uh, speaking of vids-- I'm guessing my flist isn't as enthusiastic as I am (but then that's probably a good thing), but... I've just found really cute & well-done (*SHOCK*!!) HP Harry-centric gen vids by ashinae, here :D :D :D OMG DAN IS SO WEE & ADORABLE IN FIRST YEAR when he isn't talking especially <3<3<3 It's really sort of sad that I'm still so easily stricken with pure adoration, but... AAAHHHH HARRY <33333333333333333333 :((
    I would almost stop plugging away at my WIPs sometimes, but then it's like... my baby :(( I CAN'T HELP IT :(( I'll prolly write gen every now and then even when the H/D mojo's left me :( Haha, I don't even have the excuse of thinking he's oh-so 'interesting' as a character or 'hot' or even 'fun/easy to write'... hell, my Harry characterization never feels quite right even to me, so it's always frustrating on some level. I totally write him just to express my love ♥. ...And yeah, 'Like Home', the R/S one, is also awesome. *sigh* Man, it makes my Remus fic gestate faster. Maybe in another year it'll finally get born. :> Y'know, the song ('Chocolate' by Snow Patrol) really helps me understand why R/T would eventually happen if R/S also did, just in terms of emotional logic. Poor Remus; it totally makes sense that he only loved Sirius 'like that' but it's not like... it's not like he expected anything.

    What have I done it's too late for that
    What have I become truth is nothing yet
    A simple mistake starts the hardest time
    I promise I'll do anything you ask...this time

PS: Am currently watching The Sentinel vids *___* And I just have to say. They are... SO gay. I mean in canon. So gay. I know everyone thinks that about 'their' show, but I AM NOT KIDDING!!1 The OC? NOT GAY. Supernatural? NOT GAY. NOTHING IS GAY LIKE THIS, NOT EVEN BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN IS THIS GAY, ALL RIGHT *_____________* ...well, nothing except possibly, uh, pop boybands... and, okay, QAF *___*