![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reenka*random paranoia*
wah. being online is a weird business. people talk and make friends and are "in" and there's like these tiny bubbles, like mini-universes, and then there are the Watchers, the Lurkers, who observe. we (they?) don't like to pander to the Lurker's (prurient?) interests, so they lock away their Wisdom and hide their trails of cookie-crumbs.
it boggles the mind, doesn't it?
there are all these brilliant things people are saying, and we can't -see- them, we (the Watchers). will never -know-.
in real life, it's like this too. there are hoards of knowledge and wisdom never discovered, endless amounts of people whose words and art will never reach us. we don't even know who they are. and maybe that's why so many of us live happily, because we never really know each other's true brilliance, since all we tend to say to each other is "hello" and "will you pass the salt".
but on livejournal, i myself kind of -know- who the brilliant ones are. i've read their fic, seen their comments or maybe their public posts. i know if they have something to say, it's likely to be well-informed and in-depth, or at least entertaining. it's the real -life- of the fandom. but it's still hidden, locked away, even what seems to be links to just meta discussion, and this just makes me sad.
by inclination, i just watch. i got to -know- most people just by reading their public lj posts and their publically-posted fiction-- without that fodder, there would -be- no fandom, for me, anyway.
and it's like, they're -too- brilliant, and they must hide away as in monasteries, retire to a hidden black-curtained room where real, honest discussion could take place.
i mean, i understand about making diaries private-- the very -nature- of diaries is to be private, about one's private life and fears and joys and emotions. that's not what i'm talking about.
i'm just a bit frustrated that the sort of vigorous intellectual discussion that i miss -so much- (so much!) in this fandom is of course, also most alive in these hidden channels. i have this feeling like intellectual discourse should be public by nature. there's just something so very... -free- about the exercise of reason itself. something that begs to be shared fearlessly to do justice to what is being said in the first place.
so what am i saying? nothing of use, which is why this is friends-locked. i'm not condemning anyone for anything, not feeling bad that -i- can't see these journals or the meta entries in particular-- i'm feeling bad that the public can't see them. while i have grown to have affection towards a number of you, i still feel like an outsider. i know i am. i'm part of the public in regards to pretty much every clique that exists-- the only difference is that most of the them/you/us would know me by name. "oh, reenka. she talks about meta all the time and i hear she writes cute h/d smut. a tad obsessive, isn't she. seems okay, though."
i just realized that i believe in the essential public value of what i'm doing. not having a fandom journal, not the hp meta, but just this very act of thoughtful public discussion. i feel i'm taking part in something great, by sharing my thoughts with whoever would like to see them-- something new and old and exciting. i don't know. it's like, i -grow-, watching the twists and turns these same concepts take in other's handling. and the more contributors the better, if someone has something to say. these are, at heart, always very large issues (well, in meta-talk, anyway). no one can ever encompass it all at once, so i myself kind of feed off what other people that i respect are saying.
and i suppose i could befriend everyone i respect the intelligence of, but well-- what can i say? i'm asocial, a hermit, shy, a tad paranoid, totally convinced most of Them have little real interest in getting to know me, plus i'm afraid of getting too involved with online friendships again. but the point is, it doesn't have to be about keeping high-level discussion between friends-- it's much more freeing to think of it being out there. and if one is misunderstood, one can -explain-. i don't know.
this is all silly, anyway. i'm just particularly partial to the minds of several people who're -particularly- well-known for being recluses and shy of the limelight and so on. a bit frustrating though.
it's just.... a link to this post said, `WARNING: ACADEMIC-FLAVORED SUPERMETA INTELLIWHINGING AHEAD. YOU HAVE BEEN ADVISED' and. i just kind of whimpered in envy, not because i knew that it'd be brilliant (i don't even know who it is, except whole respecting the linker thing), but just because of the very -possibility- that it was and it wasn't publically accessible upsets me. *laughs* i'm an intelli-communist, what can i say ^^;
EDIT - and okay, it's seri, that makes sense. siiigh. much with the extremely biased selection method here, again. ><
although, wheeeee!! this way i found out seri has her own website now!..!..!!! *swoons*
wah. being online is a weird business. people talk and make friends and are "in" and there's like these tiny bubbles, like mini-universes, and then there are the Watchers, the Lurkers, who observe. we (they?) don't like to pander to the Lurker's (prurient?) interests, so they lock away their Wisdom and hide their trails of cookie-crumbs.
it boggles the mind, doesn't it?
there are all these brilliant things people are saying, and we can't -see- them, we (the Watchers). will never -know-.
in real life, it's like this too. there are hoards of knowledge and wisdom never discovered, endless amounts of people whose words and art will never reach us. we don't even know who they are. and maybe that's why so many of us live happily, because we never really know each other's true brilliance, since all we tend to say to each other is "hello" and "will you pass the salt".
but on livejournal, i myself kind of -know- who the brilliant ones are. i've read their fic, seen their comments or maybe their public posts. i know if they have something to say, it's likely to be well-informed and in-depth, or at least entertaining. it's the real -life- of the fandom. but it's still hidden, locked away, even what seems to be links to just meta discussion, and this just makes me sad.
by inclination, i just watch. i got to -know- most people just by reading their public lj posts and their publically-posted fiction-- without that fodder, there would -be- no fandom, for me, anyway.
and it's like, they're -too- brilliant, and they must hide away as in monasteries, retire to a hidden black-curtained room where real, honest discussion could take place.
i mean, i understand about making diaries private-- the very -nature- of diaries is to be private, about one's private life and fears and joys and emotions. that's not what i'm talking about.
i'm just a bit frustrated that the sort of vigorous intellectual discussion that i miss -so much- (so much!) in this fandom is of course, also most alive in these hidden channels. i have this feeling like intellectual discourse should be public by nature. there's just something so very... -free- about the exercise of reason itself. something that begs to be shared fearlessly to do justice to what is being said in the first place.
so what am i saying? nothing of use, which is why this is friends-locked. i'm not condemning anyone for anything, not feeling bad that -i- can't see these journals or the meta entries in particular-- i'm feeling bad that the public can't see them. while i have grown to have affection towards a number of you, i still feel like an outsider. i know i am. i'm part of the public in regards to pretty much every clique that exists-- the only difference is that most of the them/you/us would know me by name. "oh, reenka. she talks about meta all the time and i hear she writes cute h/d smut. a tad obsessive, isn't she. seems okay, though."
i just realized that i believe in the essential public value of what i'm doing. not having a fandom journal, not the hp meta, but just this very act of thoughtful public discussion. i feel i'm taking part in something great, by sharing my thoughts with whoever would like to see them-- something new and old and exciting. i don't know. it's like, i -grow-, watching the twists and turns these same concepts take in other's handling. and the more contributors the better, if someone has something to say. these are, at heart, always very large issues (well, in meta-talk, anyway). no one can ever encompass it all at once, so i myself kind of feed off what other people that i respect are saying.
and i suppose i could befriend everyone i respect the intelligence of, but well-- what can i say? i'm asocial, a hermit, shy, a tad paranoid, totally convinced most of Them have little real interest in getting to know me, plus i'm afraid of getting too involved with online friendships again. but the point is, it doesn't have to be about keeping high-level discussion between friends-- it's much more freeing to think of it being out there. and if one is misunderstood, one can -explain-. i don't know.
this is all silly, anyway. i'm just particularly partial to the minds of several people who're -particularly- well-known for being recluses and shy of the limelight and so on. a bit frustrating though.
it's just.... a link to this post said, `WARNING: ACADEMIC-FLAVORED SUPERMETA INTELLIWHINGING AHEAD. YOU HAVE BEEN ADVISED' and. i just kind of whimpered in envy, not because i knew that it'd be brilliant (i don't even know who it is, except whole respecting the linker thing), but just because of the very -possibility- that it was and it wasn't publically accessible upsets me. *laughs* i'm an intelli-communist, what can i say ^^;
EDIT - and okay, it's seri, that makes sense. siiigh. much with the extremely biased selection method here, again. ><
although, wheeeee!! this way i found out seri has her own website now!..!..!!! *swoons*
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Re: hmm...
Date: 2003-08-22 05:43 pm (UTC)only like-minded people seem to -care- about anything i say in the first place, which also makes it easier. no one really argues with me much-- well, you did a bit, but no one, really. *sigh* people only post to tell me how they agree mostly. what can i do? *meeps*
maybe i project this vulnerable "any negativity with kill me" sort of front? i dunno.
i should try really attacking some specific flaws of a famous fic in public just as an experiment sometime -.- *laughs* though i'm a bit hesitant to.
it does get rather annoying though, especially when there's a chorus of "oh we -love- it" when you definitely -don't- love it.
i mean, plu's fics on armchair, for instance. everything was fine when i critiqued it, no one jumped me, but no one chimed in to agree with me, either. i mean, i'm -sure- it can't be that everyone loves DiD. and i don't -hate- it, but it feels lonely to be the only one saying anything but "i love it!!1!1!!11", and i'm sure it'd be worse if i got wanked for it, too.
so yeah. no point, really -.-
am ridiculously chatty, though >:D<
abstaining from lj will do that to you >
i think it's the vulnerability!!!!!!
Date: 2003-08-22 05:46 pm (UTC)lol
*wails at fandom paranoia*
I didn't like DiD either ... it wasn't terrible, but I just thought it was fairly pedestrian (and OOC), and so was very surprised to see it pop up on recs pages everywhere. Same thing with Resonant's Transfigurations.
now i want you to do your experiment!!!!!!!
*acts all vulnerable and sensitive*
Date: 2003-08-22 06:28 pm (UTC)i'm tempted to just ...yah. because...well... yeah, it's tempting. but i feel unproductive when i do that. i'm like... too nice for my own good and stuff. *laughs*
but okay. er. yah. i'll wank more... er... i mean... fic-wank ><;;
a bit scared. don't want anyone to like, -get upset-. i hate it when people get upset. it upsets me. *laughs*
could have a disclaimer beforehand:
"I LOVE YOU ALL. NO, REALLY."
hee.
i love it. pedestrian!!! ha!! :D
i so know what you're saying :D :D
it's the ...sensitivity to style (ie, how blunt and unsubtle -is- this fic? most people don't care) that most people seem to lack or not even care about.
although i think that pedestrian -means- it'll get more love. i'm almost certain if i wrote something "simple" it'll get more love-- look at the way my wankfics get attention! that's rather pedestrian!
so yeah. although maya half-way convinced me that -maybe- draco would act all withdrawn if he had a serious injury, and not lash out-- like he just takes it when they hex him into smithereens, for instance, although i think that's a bit of bad characterization on jkr's part, but then he's supposed to be a pansy coward, and so on.
some people just generate more controversy than others, somehow, have you noticed?
some people do whatever the hell they want and they get largely ignored, and then other people fart and it's a fandom phenomenon. large groups of people are hard to make sense of -.-
will attempt to let out my inner bitch more, however >:D
she's certainly there. trust me :D :D