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reenka*random paranoia*
wah. being online is a weird business. people talk and make friends and are "in" and there's like these tiny bubbles, like mini-universes, and then there are the Watchers, the Lurkers, who observe. we (they?) don't like to pander to the Lurker's (prurient?) interests, so they lock away their Wisdom and hide their trails of cookie-crumbs.
it boggles the mind, doesn't it?
there are all these brilliant things people are saying, and we can't -see- them, we (the Watchers). will never -know-.
in real life, it's like this too. there are hoards of knowledge and wisdom never discovered, endless amounts of people whose words and art will never reach us. we don't even know who they are. and maybe that's why so many of us live happily, because we never really know each other's true brilliance, since all we tend to say to each other is "hello" and "will you pass the salt".
but on livejournal, i myself kind of -know- who the brilliant ones are. i've read their fic, seen their comments or maybe their public posts. i know if they have something to say, it's likely to be well-informed and in-depth, or at least entertaining. it's the real -life- of the fandom. but it's still hidden, locked away, even what seems to be links to just meta discussion, and this just makes me sad.
by inclination, i just watch. i got to -know- most people just by reading their public lj posts and their publically-posted fiction-- without that fodder, there would -be- no fandom, for me, anyway.
and it's like, they're -too- brilliant, and they must hide away as in monasteries, retire to a hidden black-curtained room where real, honest discussion could take place.
i mean, i understand about making diaries private-- the very -nature- of diaries is to be private, about one's private life and fears and joys and emotions. that's not what i'm talking about.
i'm just a bit frustrated that the sort of vigorous intellectual discussion that i miss -so much- (so much!) in this fandom is of course, also most alive in these hidden channels. i have this feeling like intellectual discourse should be public by nature. there's just something so very... -free- about the exercise of reason itself. something that begs to be shared fearlessly to do justice to what is being said in the first place.
so what am i saying? nothing of use, which is why this is friends-locked. i'm not condemning anyone for anything, not feeling bad that -i- can't see these journals or the meta entries in particular-- i'm feeling bad that the public can't see them. while i have grown to have affection towards a number of you, i still feel like an outsider. i know i am. i'm part of the public in regards to pretty much every clique that exists-- the only difference is that most of the them/you/us would know me by name. "oh, reenka. she talks about meta all the time and i hear she writes cute h/d smut. a tad obsessive, isn't she. seems okay, though."
i just realized that i believe in the essential public value of what i'm doing. not having a fandom journal, not the hp meta, but just this very act of thoughtful public discussion. i feel i'm taking part in something great, by sharing my thoughts with whoever would like to see them-- something new and old and exciting. i don't know. it's like, i -grow-, watching the twists and turns these same concepts take in other's handling. and the more contributors the better, if someone has something to say. these are, at heart, always very large issues (well, in meta-talk, anyway). no one can ever encompass it all at once, so i myself kind of feed off what other people that i respect are saying.
and i suppose i could befriend everyone i respect the intelligence of, but well-- what can i say? i'm asocial, a hermit, shy, a tad paranoid, totally convinced most of Them have little real interest in getting to know me, plus i'm afraid of getting too involved with online friendships again. but the point is, it doesn't have to be about keeping high-level discussion between friends-- it's much more freeing to think of it being out there. and if one is misunderstood, one can -explain-. i don't know.
this is all silly, anyway. i'm just particularly partial to the minds of several people who're -particularly- well-known for being recluses and shy of the limelight and so on. a bit frustrating though.
it's just.... a link to this post said, `WARNING: ACADEMIC-FLAVORED SUPERMETA INTELLIWHINGING AHEAD. YOU HAVE BEEN ADVISED' and. i just kind of whimpered in envy, not because i knew that it'd be brilliant (i don't even know who it is, except whole respecting the linker thing), but just because of the very -possibility- that it was and it wasn't publically accessible upsets me. *laughs* i'm an intelli-communist, what can i say ^^;
EDIT - and okay, it's seri, that makes sense. siiigh. much with the extremely biased selection method here, again. ><
although, wheeeee!! this way i found out seri has her own website now!..!..!!! *swoons*
wah. being online is a weird business. people talk and make friends and are "in" and there's like these tiny bubbles, like mini-universes, and then there are the Watchers, the Lurkers, who observe. we (they?) don't like to pander to the Lurker's (prurient?) interests, so they lock away their Wisdom and hide their trails of cookie-crumbs.
it boggles the mind, doesn't it?
there are all these brilliant things people are saying, and we can't -see- them, we (the Watchers). will never -know-.
in real life, it's like this too. there are hoards of knowledge and wisdom never discovered, endless amounts of people whose words and art will never reach us. we don't even know who they are. and maybe that's why so many of us live happily, because we never really know each other's true brilliance, since all we tend to say to each other is "hello" and "will you pass the salt".
but on livejournal, i myself kind of -know- who the brilliant ones are. i've read their fic, seen their comments or maybe their public posts. i know if they have something to say, it's likely to be well-informed and in-depth, or at least entertaining. it's the real -life- of the fandom. but it's still hidden, locked away, even what seems to be links to just meta discussion, and this just makes me sad.
by inclination, i just watch. i got to -know- most people just by reading their public lj posts and their publically-posted fiction-- without that fodder, there would -be- no fandom, for me, anyway.
and it's like, they're -too- brilliant, and they must hide away as in monasteries, retire to a hidden black-curtained room where real, honest discussion could take place.
i mean, i understand about making diaries private-- the very -nature- of diaries is to be private, about one's private life and fears and joys and emotions. that's not what i'm talking about.
i'm just a bit frustrated that the sort of vigorous intellectual discussion that i miss -so much- (so much!) in this fandom is of course, also most alive in these hidden channels. i have this feeling like intellectual discourse should be public by nature. there's just something so very... -free- about the exercise of reason itself. something that begs to be shared fearlessly to do justice to what is being said in the first place.
so what am i saying? nothing of use, which is why this is friends-locked. i'm not condemning anyone for anything, not feeling bad that -i- can't see these journals or the meta entries in particular-- i'm feeling bad that the public can't see them. while i have grown to have affection towards a number of you, i still feel like an outsider. i know i am. i'm part of the public in regards to pretty much every clique that exists-- the only difference is that most of the them/you/us would know me by name. "oh, reenka. she talks about meta all the time and i hear she writes cute h/d smut. a tad obsessive, isn't she. seems okay, though."
i just realized that i believe in the essential public value of what i'm doing. not having a fandom journal, not the hp meta, but just this very act of thoughtful public discussion. i feel i'm taking part in something great, by sharing my thoughts with whoever would like to see them-- something new and old and exciting. i don't know. it's like, i -grow-, watching the twists and turns these same concepts take in other's handling. and the more contributors the better, if someone has something to say. these are, at heart, always very large issues (well, in meta-talk, anyway). no one can ever encompass it all at once, so i myself kind of feed off what other people that i respect are saying.
and i suppose i could befriend everyone i respect the intelligence of, but well-- what can i say? i'm asocial, a hermit, shy, a tad paranoid, totally convinced most of Them have little real interest in getting to know me, plus i'm afraid of getting too involved with online friendships again. but the point is, it doesn't have to be about keeping high-level discussion between friends-- it's much more freeing to think of it being out there. and if one is misunderstood, one can -explain-. i don't know.
this is all silly, anyway. i'm just particularly partial to the minds of several people who're -particularly- well-known for being recluses and shy of the limelight and so on. a bit frustrating though.
it's just.... a link to this post said, `WARNING: ACADEMIC-FLAVORED SUPERMETA INTELLIWHINGING AHEAD. YOU HAVE BEEN ADVISED' and. i just kind of whimpered in envy, not because i knew that it'd be brilliant (i don't even know who it is, except whole respecting the linker thing), but just because of the very -possibility- that it was and it wasn't publically accessible upsets me. *laughs* i'm an intelli-communist, what can i say ^^;
EDIT - and okay, it's seri, that makes sense. siiigh. much with the extremely biased selection method here, again. ><
although, wheeeee!! this way i found out seri has her own website now!..!..!!! *swoons*
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Re: hmm...
Date: 2003-08-22 05:29 pm (UTC)A lot of people, though, just don't want to hear this. They're not in it for concrit, they're in it for the ego strokes. Which is fine.
But it makes it hard to have a critical discussion, because folks get angry when you say anything negative about their fics. I mean, there are a number of popular authors who dismiss anything I've ever said about their fics as mere elitism and jealousy. Which is pretty fucking annoying. The point is not that I don't like popular fics, 'cos I like plenty of them. The point is that I don't like *their* popular fic, for various specific reasons. Which is different.
Most folks are touchy and defensive and don't want to be publicly critiqued. And that's pretty much it, really. I mean, I remember how scared we all were when we finally dared to say that we didn't like IP back on deadjournal. And when I finally did say this on LJ, a lot of her friends wrote in to tell me how ungrateful I was for everything Rhysenn had done for the fandom! -_-
This is the problem I am talking about. Everyone is entitled to react however they choose; however, I am also entitled to restrict the discussion to people who will understand my critiques in the spirit they were intended.
Re: hmm...
Date: 2003-08-22 05:43 pm (UTC)only like-minded people seem to -care- about anything i say in the first place, which also makes it easier. no one really argues with me much-- well, you did a bit, but no one, really. *sigh* people only post to tell me how they agree mostly. what can i do? *meeps*
maybe i project this vulnerable "any negativity with kill me" sort of front? i dunno.
i should try really attacking some specific flaws of a famous fic in public just as an experiment sometime -.- *laughs* though i'm a bit hesitant to.
it does get rather annoying though, especially when there's a chorus of "oh we -love- it" when you definitely -don't- love it.
i mean, plu's fics on armchair, for instance. everything was fine when i critiqued it, no one jumped me, but no one chimed in to agree with me, either. i mean, i'm -sure- it can't be that everyone loves DiD. and i don't -hate- it, but it feels lonely to be the only one saying anything but "i love it!!1!1!!11", and i'm sure it'd be worse if i got wanked for it, too.
so yeah. no point, really -.-
am ridiculously chatty, though >:D<
abstaining from lj will do that to you >
i think it's the vulnerability!!!!!!
Date: 2003-08-22 05:46 pm (UTC)lol
*wails at fandom paranoia*
I didn't like DiD either ... it wasn't terrible, but I just thought it was fairly pedestrian (and OOC), and so was very surprised to see it pop up on recs pages everywhere. Same thing with Resonant's Transfigurations.
now i want you to do your experiment!!!!!!!
*acts all vulnerable and sensitive*
Date: 2003-08-22 06:28 pm (UTC)i'm tempted to just ...yah. because...well... yeah, it's tempting. but i feel unproductive when i do that. i'm like... too nice for my own good and stuff. *laughs*
but okay. er. yah. i'll wank more... er... i mean... fic-wank ><;;
a bit scared. don't want anyone to like, -get upset-. i hate it when people get upset. it upsets me. *laughs*
could have a disclaimer beforehand:
"I LOVE YOU ALL. NO, REALLY."
hee.
i love it. pedestrian!!! ha!! :D
i so know what you're saying :D :D
it's the ...sensitivity to style (ie, how blunt and unsubtle -is- this fic? most people don't care) that most people seem to lack or not even care about.
although i think that pedestrian -means- it'll get more love. i'm almost certain if i wrote something "simple" it'll get more love-- look at the way my wankfics get attention! that's rather pedestrian!
so yeah. although maya half-way convinced me that -maybe- draco would act all withdrawn if he had a serious injury, and not lash out-- like he just takes it when they hex him into smithereens, for instance, although i think that's a bit of bad characterization on jkr's part, but then he's supposed to be a pansy coward, and so on.
some people just generate more controversy than others, somehow, have you noticed?
some people do whatever the hell they want and they get largely ignored, and then other people fart and it's a fandom phenomenon. large groups of people are hard to make sense of -.-
will attempt to let out my inner bitch more, however >:D
she's certainly there. trust me :D :D
Re: hmm...
Date: 2003-08-23 05:27 am (UTC)I hardly ever seriously meta in any fandom, but when I do, it's friends locked. Not necessarily because I don't want to discuss it with anyone outside my group, but because my friends will understand my meta in a way that a random stranger wouldn't.
Re: hmm...
Date: 2003-08-24 05:26 pm (UTC)yah, i understand the wanting to be understood thing. i definitely get very frustrated because 80% of people (er... even my friends... *WEEPS*) don't get the things i say. *laughs* not the way i mean them. which tends to tell me i'm not good enough at expressing myself. i think a great writer can communicate difficult concepts to dumbos. that is my dream, anyway. you know, they say that about isaac asimov and like, shakespeare, although i dunno how much joe shmoe -understands- shakespeare, i still think he communicated very complex ideas on multiple levels and that one of those levels are understandable by 95% of the populace in some way. or something.
of course it's great to be understood -right-, and i want that for myself, i really really do. so yeah. all i can say is, i hope i can see it when you do meta, because i'm rather curious as to what -you- think in particular and also hope i'm not too dumb. *laughs*