(no subject)

[reenka]

I think for the first time, I suddenly really understood how the people who have huge issues with canon feel, being in fandom, though not because I do myself, precisely. (Not that I don't have my own issues with HP canon, but just the sticking around anyway and the whole... feeling a bit alone and somewhat oppressed, haha, etc.)


Yeah, I mean... because I definitely have the same sort of burning issues, except with fandom/fanon instead of canon. It's sort of like fanon itself is a bit like an out-of-tune violin screeching in my ear at this point, it's kind of ridiculous. I mean, and I can't write meta about it either, not the way I could if it was canon, because then it'd feel like a personal attack or like I was saying people couldn't enjoy what they enjoy, etc, whereas it's just that I get this allergic reaction and I want to purge, heh.

Funny, because I love the -idea- of fanon, I love shared worlds, and creativity, and going in absurd directions, so what's happened to me? Why do I see a picture of say, over-the-top cross-dressing!Harry and feel sort of sick because I just... no. I could say I don't want to share Harry anymore, but it's not like he's mine; but somehow it's not about JKR or canon-thumping at all, it's about my ideas and my convictions having become rigid, and I hate that but I can't escape it because fandom's not inspiring me to anymore.

Even fanart, which always made me happy, which I unfailingly adore... even OOCness in fanart is driving me up the wall now, and I suppose that's a sign if nothing else is.

Well, so maybe I still don't fully empathize, because I don't think there's that underlying love people mention that drives me to criticize-- I mean, there is, but it's so... painful, so basically I just avoid rather than dwelling on it. It's just not worth it when 95% of all fanfic and even fanart for my pairing makes me seriously unhappy because I don't recognize the characters, or the dynamic is somehow exactly what I hate, or I refuse to suspend my disbelief because I want-- I need-- things to be better.

So... it's not like I'm announcing that I'm leaving in the sense of 'no more fic from me!', but yeah... I dunno. Do I still want to the Witching Hour? The main reason would be to see people I know and chat about geeky canon stuff without wank, so I guess that's still there. I can't believe I'm even questioning it, really. I was so sure I'd be there, because I loved Nimbus so much, and I loved meeting fandom people and being a total dork every time, it's just so... sad, I guess, because I've really overstayed, overworked my tolerance to the bone.

...Well, enough moping. Back to Basara & sweet manga oblivion!
~~

EDIT - Er... it appears I'm just having moodswings or... something (stress??) 'cause then fishnet!Draco made it all better o_0

BUT IT'S CANON, DON'T YOU SEE :))

...AND THEN AMALIN WROTE ME TOM/HAGRID-- I AM AT PEACE WITH THE WORLD! ♥♥♥ :O

Comments

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

I really do love your vision of H/D :D As I said in the original post, I'm just...um... having fannish discontent tied to my overall post-HBP fanon/fanfic crisis and just sort of wanting to read the next book ^^;;; A big part of me is like, well, the stories that can be told will probably be interesting and there are certainly many plausible directions, but I'm not sure I'm the person to write them or read them, y'know? Just like most of the fandom wasn't on board with my vision of post-OoTP H/D, even though the possibilities were there! :>

In terms of Harry:
Harry said nothing; he was thinking too hard. Narcissa Malfoy would not have let her precious son out of her sight willingly; Malfoy must have made a real effort to free himself from her clutches.

Harry, knowing and loathing Malfoy, was sure the reason could not be innocent.

I do think this qualifies as "reason to think there is a mystery", in a detective-style hunch sort of way, which is how Harry thinks, anyway-- by leaps and suspicions and gut feelings rather than deductions or rational causalities. He was already -wanting- to suspect Malfoy, of course he was, but he wasn't acting irrationally, y'know what I mean? Perhaps I'm being too much on Harry's side, here, but I do think he's usually overreacting (as with Snape) rather than coming out of left field entirely. You don't -need- the "stunningly repressed and sociopathic" for an -explanation-, even if it exists as subtext. I dunno why I'm so resistant to subtext, though-- I mean, I do see Harry as fixated on Draco pre-HBP-- ever since he first saw him, really. I think I'm just defending Harry's honor in this case, in that he wasn't just obsessed with Malfoy because he's so gay or whatever ^^;;;

I think it's the same sort of thing I find in a lot of stories where there are strong male relationships, either positive or negative-- I just react, and it seems so important, so... uh... queer, I guess. But I try to separate that reaction from my understanding of the character, or something like that, or everything gets... wonky in terms of making sense.

As for Draco being new as of the Madam Malkin's scene-- I didn't see that, even with his whining about not being a child (actually, that was same old Draco). What could be more classic Draco than,
"Watch where you're sticking that pin, will you!"
&
"If you're wondering what the smell is, Mother, a Mudblood just walked in,"
&
"Don't you dare talk to my mother like that, Potter!" Malfoy snarled.
&
"Yeah, like you'd dare do magic out of school," sneered Malfoy. "Who blacked your eye, Granger? I want to send them flowers."
:D

He's such a silly goof ♥♥ I was like, awwww, Drakey-kins <333333333 But, uh... not seeing the newfound interesting maturity :)) Which he might have shown by refraining to go further than he did on the train, but in that case I like the argument that he doesn't actually feel the impulse to take his violent outbursts on some grander scale-- he made his point, and that was enough, it's not like he's actually... um... a Gryffindor, I guess? He doesn't have that same need to punish/go till he drops/fully humiliate like Harry does ^^;;;

I don't think the old channels & patterns are erased, precisely, just -shifted- in a way that's uncomfortable for me, I guess, since I'm so driven by Draco's obsession :> I think it's an interesting idea that the Sectumsempra drove him to work harder-- it definitely could have! Oh, I loved HBP's frantic, desperate, hard-working (Hufflepuff??!) Draco-- if only it was also focused on Harry, I'd be in high heaven :D