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Aug. 26th, 2005 07:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reenkaI think for the first time, I suddenly really understood how the people who have huge issues with canon feel, being in fandom, though not because I do myself, precisely. (Not that I don't have my own issues with HP canon, but just the sticking around anyway and the whole... feeling a bit alone and somewhat oppressed, haha, etc.)
Yeah, I mean... because I definitely have the same sort of burning issues, except with fandom/fanon instead of canon. It's sort of like fanon itself is a bit like an out-of-tune violin screeching in my ear at this point, it's kind of ridiculous. I mean, and I can't write meta about it either, not the way I could if it was canon, because then it'd feel like a personal attack or like I was saying people couldn't enjoy what they enjoy, etc, whereas it's just that I get this allergic reaction and I want to purge, heh.
Funny, because I love the -idea- of fanon, I love shared worlds, and creativity, and going in absurd directions, so what's happened to me? Why do I see a picture of say, over-the-top cross-dressing!Harry and feel sort of sick because I just... no. I could say I don't want to share Harry anymore, but it's not like he's mine; but somehow it's not about JKR or canon-thumping at all, it's about my ideas and my convictions having become rigid, and I hate that but I can't escape it because fandom's not inspiring me to anymore.
Even fanart, which always made me happy, which I unfailingly adore... even OOCness in fanart is driving me up the wall now, and I suppose that's a sign if nothing else is.
Well, so maybe I still don't fully empathize, because I don't think there's that underlying love people mention that drives me to criticize-- I mean, there is, but it's so... painful, so basically I just avoid rather than dwelling on it. It's just not worth it when 95% of all fanfic and even fanart for my pairing makes me seriously unhappy because I don't recognize the characters, or the dynamic is somehow exactly what I hate, or I refuse to suspend my disbelief because I want-- I need-- things to be better.
So... it's not like I'm announcing that I'm leaving in the sense of 'no more fic from me!', but yeah... I dunno. Do I still want to the Witching Hour? The main reason would be to see people I know and chat about geeky canon stuff without wank, so I guess that's still there. I can't believe I'm even questioning it, really. I was so sure I'd be there, because I loved Nimbus so much, and I loved meeting fandom people and being a total dork every time, it's just so... sad, I guess, because I've really overstayed, overworked my tolerance to the bone.
...Well, enough moping. Back to Basara & sweet manga oblivion!
~~
EDIT - Er... it appears I'm just having moodswings or... something (stress??) 'cause then fishnet!Draco made it all better o_0
BUT IT'S CANON, DON'T YOU SEE :))
...AND THEN AMALIN WROTE ME TOM/HAGRID-- I AM AT PEACE WITH THE WORLD! ♥♥♥ :O
Yeah, I mean... because I definitely have the same sort of burning issues, except with fandom/fanon instead of canon. It's sort of like fanon itself is a bit like an out-of-tune violin screeching in my ear at this point, it's kind of ridiculous. I mean, and I can't write meta about it either, not the way I could if it was canon, because then it'd feel like a personal attack or like I was saying people couldn't enjoy what they enjoy, etc, whereas it's just that I get this allergic reaction and I want to purge, heh.
Funny, because I love the -idea- of fanon, I love shared worlds, and creativity, and going in absurd directions, so what's happened to me? Why do I see a picture of say, over-the-top cross-dressing!Harry and feel sort of sick because I just... no. I could say I don't want to share Harry anymore, but it's not like he's mine; but somehow it's not about JKR or canon-thumping at all, it's about my ideas and my convictions having become rigid, and I hate that but I can't escape it because fandom's not inspiring me to anymore.
Even fanart, which always made me happy, which I unfailingly adore... even OOCness in fanart is driving me up the wall now, and I suppose that's a sign if nothing else is.
Well, so maybe I still don't fully empathize, because I don't think there's that underlying love people mention that drives me to criticize-- I mean, there is, but it's so... painful, so basically I just avoid rather than dwelling on it. It's just not worth it when 95% of all fanfic and even fanart for my pairing makes me seriously unhappy because I don't recognize the characters, or the dynamic is somehow exactly what I hate, or I refuse to suspend my disbelief because I want-- I need-- things to be better.
So... it's not like I'm announcing that I'm leaving in the sense of 'no more fic from me!', but yeah... I dunno. Do I still want to the Witching Hour? The main reason would be to see people I know and chat about geeky canon stuff without wank, so I guess that's still there. I can't believe I'm even questioning it, really. I was so sure I'd be there, because I loved Nimbus so much, and I loved meeting fandom people and being a total dork every time, it's just so... sad, I guess, because I've really overstayed, overworked my tolerance to the bone.
...Well, enough moping. Back to Basara & sweet manga oblivion!
~~
EDIT - Er... it appears I'm just having moodswings or... something (stress??) 'cause then fishnet!Draco made it all better o_0
BUT IT'S CANON, DON'T YOU SEE :))
...AND THEN AMALIN WROTE ME TOM/HAGRID-- I AM AT PEACE WITH THE WORLD! ♥♥♥ :O
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Date: 2005-08-29 05:21 am (UTC)[Re: Dumbledore] All I can say is, I REALLY HOPE SO.
OK, we'll let the Dumbledore theory insinuate itself slowly, like water carving a channel in limestone . . .
they're further away from each other than ever, 'cause while Harry was obsessed with Draco's evil-doing, it was a similar mystery-obsession as his fixation on Sirius in PoA or on the Ministry corridor in OoTP. It being Draco gave it a personal stake, a reason to suspect strongly and a sense of outrage, etc, but it... oh, I dunno. I feel like he was approaching it differently, less immaturely??!
I don't know if I totally agree with this take on Harry's side of things. I think it is primarily personal. I made this argument to latxcvi on my own LJ, but look at the opening scenes between the two of them -- the first words he hears Draco speak in HBP are "I'm not a child anymore." And the first thing he notices about Draco is how handsome his new robes are. If this were the introduction of, say, a female character the hero had previously only seen as a child, what would you make of that, exactly? ;)
And the hunt down to Knockturn Alley follows immediately on that epiphany, and it seems eccentric enough to Ron and Hermione -- it's purely Harry's obsession. This happens before Harry has any reason to think that there is a mystery, which I think is significant. He just wants to see what this new Draco is up to. So I think it is personal, it is visceral, for Harry -- somehow the balance of obsession has simply changed over the summer.
And I know I'm veering into slasher psychosis here, but I really do read a genuinely erotic charge to it, throughout the book, filtered of course through suitable mediating plot points. Draco got stunning over the summer, and our hero noticed, in his own charmingly repressed and sociopathic way.
And Draco definitely was too distracted for Harry in HBP, and that also makes me lose touch with the obsessiveness that's fed my own-- like, in my head, he'd have done all this to get at Harry, but I don't think he did. Like, I dunno to what extent he was even aware of Harry in HBP. :/
Yeah, I agree more with this than I do about Harry. I was struck by the way in the train compartment, he ignored Harry's name (in Blaise's report on the Slug Club) and fixed on Longbottom. Although at that point, he might have suspected Harry was hiding in the upper bunk. The one-on-one asskicking Draco gave Harry seemed curiously measured and detatched -- he wanted to do it, but afterwards he was just done with Harry.
So Draco had bigger things on his mind than Harry, I agree. But it's hard to be sure of things because we get so little of Draco's POV. (Classic argument from silence, I know, I know.) Still, Draco was aware of Harry stalking him (and Crabbe and Goyle) to the Room of Requirement. And he certainly noticed Sectumsempra. In fact, I like to think, purely in my own head, that the slashing spell helped get him over his crisis, helped clarify his sense that whatever games Voldemort was playing, Dumbledore's side considered him dead meat. This in turn might have given him the final burst of focus and intensity to get on with his scheme to breach the Hogwarts defenses. At least, I like to think so.
Also, I have trouble believing that old channels and patterns are ever totally erased -- Draco's obsession with Harry might have been pre-empted, but Harry is still a key part of the framework he uses to visualize the war and the sides he is taking and what it all means to him.
[continued . . . ]