[lovesong for a hypocrite]

[reenka]

I love this song. It makes me all angsty, like I'm about ready to write (finish??) my damned H/D epic. It's like... it's my Draco song, even though I can totally see OoTP!Harry in it, and perhaps that's more IC, too.

Actually, this reminds me... perhaps I should make myself a songlist to listen to to get myself in the mood to finish my longfic, because listening to `Creep' with that in mind definitely gets me going. That sheer endless bitterness and existential rage... I'm not saying it's canon, I'm just saying it's my Draco. Le sigh. I shall always love him to death.


The funny part is, most H/D fics these days really seem to switch around the basic set-up in my mind-- so that it's Harry looking up to Draco and finding him cool and sexy and untouchable. But that does absolutely nothing for me. It makes no emotional sense and it's not even hot to me, regardless of the stupid top/bottom debacle. Because... because Draco's the one on his metaphorical knees, always trying and always failing. Draco's the one who wants and cannot have, and that defines him, that permeates him, that makes him such a sympathetic character to me in the first place. Perfect, smooth Draco-- who really cares what happens to him? Well, I suppose it's that I don't care.

I think I want to write about that prototypical teenager... unaware of who he really is, full of rage and resentment and artifice, gay and in the closet, always making fun of everything because he's bored and powerless, in love with a huge untouchable too-good-for-him jerk, closed in by his parents' expectations and his friends' inability to really connect with him and his own inability to ever express himself. He's in this school that should've been his, and he's a joke-- he tries to turn the joke around on the other side, but he's privately aware he's the joke, and the sheer hatred of everything and everyone overwhelms him.

He's never really been sincere a day in his life, but he can't help but lust after that without even acknowledging it to himself. He hates Potter for not taking him seriously because really, that's the worst possible insult. As long as he's paid attention to, it doesn't matter what sort of attention it is. He's seen and he's worthy. He's a superstar.

I feel like he's singing to me, and asking me to write about his angst, I swear to god. Something about that-- I can't get over it because that emotional state is so personal to me, I guess? I know it so well. I may not know about love, but I know about needing love so much it hurts-- seeing this shining perfect ideal that is so untouchable one starts to hate it, to loathe it, to despise it almost as much as one despises one's own weakness in not being able to overcome it. To hate what you love and cannot have-- isn't that truly the stuff of tragic melodrama? Ahhh, I feel like such a maudlin teenager (which I secretly am).

Hahah, what I need to realize is, it's not so much about H/D as about my fascination with a certain type of self-destructive desire which I can see realized in the character of Draco Malfoy. It makes me think of that scene in the Sandman where Rose tells Desire that she hates love. It's that state of absolute romantic nihilism... I don't know, I can never quite get over my infatuation with it -.-



I don't care if it hurts, I wanna have control
I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice, when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

Comments

[notrafficlights.livejournal.com]

Is his middle name actually Lucius? Please no.

The funny part is, most H/D fics these days really seem to switch around the basic set-up in my mind-- so that it's Harry looking up to Draco and finding him cool and sexy and untouchable.

Y'know what? I find it's exactly the opposite. Or at least, most of the non-futurefics are. The older Hogwarts-era stuff seems to be Harry lusting for Draco, in my books. Personally I prefer Draco lusting for Harry, because he does it in such a... Dracoish way. Maybe I'm just reading the right kind of fics. XD I love obsessed!Draco too so much.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Well, yes, Harry lusting for Draco, that's what I meant. Er? 'Cause he's the Prince of Slytherin, cool & silver-haired and model-like, etc... I didn't mean that he was so untouchable as to not inspire lust, ahahah. I love obsessed Draco too <3<3<3<3 Possibly I'm just reading the wrong fics, ahahah (considering how few I've been reading lately, it's entirely possible, but.) Yeah, fluffy-cool!Draco is everywhere I look -.- And so is post-Hogwarts -.-

Ahahah his middle name is Lucius in my head mostly 'cause I like to make fun of him & it doesn't suit him >:D

[notrafficlights.livejournal.com]

Oh, good, you had me worried for a second there. I want his middle name to be "Phineus" or "Cecile" or something like that *snickers*. Draco Cecile Malfoy. Oh, now tell me that is not the best middle name for him ever!

Fluffy!Draco is okay, as long as Harry's fluffy for his stupid bits, like his poncy manner, or stubborness, or pointy-ferret qualities, or stupidity. But the whole Gary-Stu!Draco is not cool ever. I find it really erks me in a fic, even if deep down he really is emo or whatever it's meant to be *gags*.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Cecile is perfect <3 It reminds me of grandma!Draco >:D Hehehe in a little lace cap and a nightgown with silk boxers underneath, and... >:D Shame on me, making grandma!Draco into a lust object ^^;;

Man, Garu-Stu!Draco's everywhere ^^;; I want more dark, pathetic poncey & obsessive Draco but he's nowhere to be found :(( Hell, I don't even know where the emo Draco went. I think emo Draco started having sex with Blaise or got raped by Voldemort one too many times :-?

[notrafficlights.livejournal.com]

Ooh, Blaise!Sex is always good. Though I always pair Blaise with Harry, mostly because in my head, Blaise is Muggleborn. Go figure. But his gay/bisexualness is almost as canon as Puppylove. There's a fic in my head that involves the two of them tag-teaming Draco together. Dunno if it would ever work if I tried to type it out, though.

Anyway, speaking of poncy & obsessed Draco, I bring you Poncy (http://www.livejournal.com/users/jetami/24091.html?#cutid1) (Jet always does Poncy!Draco, which is why she rocks), and obsessed (http://www.livejournal.com/users/lovely_slyth/15006.html) (with bonus daily-hardons and wankage!).

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Hehe, I don't really have a Blaise in my head. I sort of resent the fandom tendency to make him the convenient Slytherin poster boy (& slut) whenever one's needed. So I stubbornly never wrote him, ahaha. I do have a Theo in my head for my longfic at least, and am slightly bitter he too became the fandom convenient Slyth poster-boy. Woe. Though I quite like the snippet of Theo I've seen for the Leaky RP, 'cause he talks like a real Brit. Ahaha I think he's played by a Brit guy <3<3<3<3 I really don't seem to even care what one's personality or affiliation is if one's convincing as a British guy ^^;;

Ahhhh... I deeply deeply suspect that lovely_slyth is Olivia... *weeps copiously*

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Harry didn’t even pretend to not know what Draco meant. “Because I didn’t think Malfoys did Gryffindors. Specifically, I didn’t for a second dream that you’d be interested in me.”

See? It always happens -.- Always.

[notrafficlights.livejournal.com]

Well, at least it's more mutual, right? Kinda? Oh pfff. Sod it. Just go and accept Harry's woobie-soppy-ideological side. :P

Your icon is starting to creep me the fuck out. And it's reminding me I still have to read Bluecat.

[nothingbutfic.livejournal.com]

Hmm.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Ahhh the eyes o_0
...You just make comments like that to weird me out, don't you :>

[nothingbutfic.livejournal.com]

I just found that odd, considering I've all but written that about my Draco, word for word, about ten million times in the past year.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

I still have to read Bluecat too! That's this insane guy from Waru <3<3<3<3 Oh Waru<3<3<3 So insane <3<3 And how often do I have any affection whatsoever for secondary characters? NOT VERY OFTEN, LEMME TELL YOU. Ahhh, the sadistic detective-wannabe dad who told his son he was dying <3 I love him so. *weeps sentimental tears*

See, I can't accept it, that's why most H/D fics do little for me anymore. DAMNIT GIMME HARDASS HARRY OR GIMME MANGA PORN INSTEAD! ^^;

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Heheh, I guess we agree then...? :-? I wasn't ever arguing with you, really? Er? ^^;
If you want 'proof' it's independently reached, I've had my layout for a year and it has Creep lyrics and Draco on it >:D

[nothingbutfic.livejournal.com]

I guess not. I suppose I find it ironic, then.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

I think what it all comes down to is that I'm contradictory based on my moods and how I choose to spin some basic predispositions I always have... like, I can go several ways. I always felt H/D was 'impossible' and I liked it that way, because I like to batter myself against impossibility & fate & such and it's not even about 'winning' so much as it is about struggle to become, to find one's real identity, to deconstruct shells, etc. How confident I am that there's a real point and any hope depends on my mood ^^

What I meant was, I start out with this sort of prototypical 'hopeless' hypocritical character (Draco, for most purposes), and I try to... twist him, I guess. I've never been successful, but I'm always interested in both hope & hopelessness in anyone's life. What's interesting to me also (about my idea of Draco) is that he never gives up-- even though he's beaten, he keeps going. So there's a sort of odd hope in hopelessness, a contradiction that I've never quite been able to pin down. There's something... I dunno, romantic? About all the little & big self-delusions and attempts at transcending oneself in love. I guess I root for him even as I don't see 'a way out', so to speak. I think I like the struggle more than the victory or defeat :-?

[nothingbutfic.livejournal.com]

I don't disagree with you. I find it ironic in that I find his struggle more ironic or tragic than you perhaps? Certainly my Draco tries and struggles and rarely succeeds. And also considering you, uh, say I do comedy better or something and rarely (if ever) read my fic? :-?

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Man, isn't my Draco themesong tragic/depressing enough? ^^; I don't think I find Draco's situation tragic per se because it's still open-ended in my mind; I think tragedy needs a concrete end and while a fanfic could go one way or another, until JKR kills him off and sends Harry to a long & happy hetero married life, he's got a chance, and that makes things interesting for me. Besides, I get very tired of Draco's angst (which is why I dropped my longfics, I guess, partly)-- I just want fics not to go the complete opposite direction of making Draco well-adjusted & beautifully non-obsessed or whatever, 'cause that makes me twitch :> I like it when -other- people take Draco's issues & do things I can't necessarily do with them and make me feel good & make me laugh at the silliness of it all. 'Cause well, it is rather funny ^^;; So a lot of it is just that I gravitate toward either comedies or dark romances-- the romance part being a certain... transformation of the hopeless into the hopeful/sparkly even somewhat. 'Cause I'm a sucker.

But mostly I haven't read any H/D fic for like half a year now ^^;

[nothingbutfic.livejournal.com]

I don't HAVE a Draco themesong. Or maybe I do. It's probably by Cher. ^^;;;

I don't know yours; am bad fen. I suppose - and I've said this consistently for oh, a year and a half now - I view Draco as having certain elements which are Dracoesque, which make him Draco, and one of those is his essential lameness, the fact he can't succeed and win (or at least not in the way he wants and thinks he should) and remain Draco. He's like the elemental incompetent, in my head.

Ah, okay. That's a shame, as some of my recent stuff, is all dark comedic romance shit. So.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Oh, I meant `Creep' was my Draco themesong (of the moment)-- that's why I made the post, after all >:D I mean, I realize it's overly serious to be IC or whatever but I can't seem to help myself, and it's more of a nostalgic type thing.... I also think my dream for him always gets muddled up with how I see his base situation-- that is, I want him to stop being a static character & seize the day-- y'know, sometimes that happens. To people, I mean, not children's book characters necessarily. One can... grow up? Most people don't, of course ^^;; And yeah, that'd change some basic properties, maybe? But without that hope for direction, I'm lost as to where to go with him.

...I'm getting this vague, uncertain feeling like you're telling me to read your fics :))

[literaryll.livejournal.com]

because Draco's the one on his metaphorical knees, always trying and always failing. Draco's the one who wants and cannot have, and that defines him, that permeates him, that makes him such a sympathetic character to me in the first place - oh man YES I agree with this whole thing so much and now I'm getting all mushy over Draco and like I want to hug his little pathetic self - Draco Draco DRACO <3<3<3<3

It doesn't make any sense to me either when people have Harry pining/lusting for Draco - I mean where the hell do they get that from when it is so clearly the other way around in canon? maybe when people write competent sex on legs Draco it's their way of trying to compensate for how lame he is in the books - like they love Draco so when things are up to them Draco gets to have one up on Harry? Or maybe a lot of the people who write Draco never liked him in canon to begin with so their Draco love is really only for fanon!Draco - I don't know sometimes writers manage to trick me into believing the Harry going after Draco thing - Underwater Light for example - and I like fanon!Draco sometimes but usually only if he's paired with someone else cause when Harry is there it's just like yeah right Draco so wishes he were graceful and cool like that lol

I find that most of the fics that have filled me up with the Draco love lately have been things besides h/d - I don't know if you read much outside of h/d but I have to mention at least one thing just in case cause I can't help it and want everybody to constantly walk around loving Draco - which you obviously already do but it hasn't sounded like any fic Dracos have done it for you lately

Noblisse Oblige (http://papermoon.velveteen.net/noblesseoblige.html) by Aspen - I know you like Aspen a lot so you might have already read this - it's krum/draco and if you didn't read it you should give it a shot cause Draco is so wonderful in it - all chatty and in denial and thinking he's cool when everyone else around him knows he's not <3

and Creep is an excellent Draco angst song LOL - have you heard Catherine by PJ Harvey? if you take out the Catherine part that song really reminds me of Draco - it's all obsessive and "I damn to hell every second you breathe"

good luck on writing your h/d epic - I can't wait to see what you come up with <3 :)

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

The vaguely odd thing is... I'm kind of aware my Draco isn't really the same as 'IC' Draco or further yet, canon!Draco (he definitely isn't canon by definition of being in my head before I read canon and by virtue of canon!Draco not really having any obvious angst or introspection or... uh, y'know, depth). So this is is my idea of fanon!Draco, and it's a sign of how different fandom has become, y'know? Hahah. It really is. I got this Draco largely from early H/D fanfics and my own emotional resonances... first love, best love, all that. The fact that he seems to coincide with things that'd make sense for canon... well, it's a coincidence in a lot of ways ^^;;

I don't know if I've got the will or desire to either write or read Dracofic... I'm very very far from being into HP fandom at the moment. Which is why it's like, omg, why won't he leave me alone completely? ahahah. But Creep has been my Draco song for a year, and I listened to it on repeat and Draco-angsted at one point. If anything, I think deep dark Draco angst is OOC-- he's more of a silly/pathetic character, he's not really uh... that prototypical asshole hypocrite lost little gay boy I'm half in love with. I mean, I know that, but....

So yeah... that's why I haven't read the Krum fic though I adore Aspen's work-- a combination of fandom burn-out and lingering possessiveness on my part. If he's not Harry's, I'm quite content in having him damned-- hahah, my love is a prickly angry bitch :D