[lovesong for a hypocrite]

[reenka]

I love this song. It makes me all angsty, like I'm about ready to write (finish??) my damned H/D epic. It's like... it's my Draco song, even though I can totally see OoTP!Harry in it, and perhaps that's more IC, too.

Actually, this reminds me... perhaps I should make myself a songlist to listen to to get myself in the mood to finish my longfic, because listening to `Creep' with that in mind definitely gets me going. That sheer endless bitterness and existential rage... I'm not saying it's canon, I'm just saying it's my Draco. Le sigh. I shall always love him to death.


The funny part is, most H/D fics these days really seem to switch around the basic set-up in my mind-- so that it's Harry looking up to Draco and finding him cool and sexy and untouchable. But that does absolutely nothing for me. It makes no emotional sense and it's not even hot to me, regardless of the stupid top/bottom debacle. Because... because Draco's the one on his metaphorical knees, always trying and always failing. Draco's the one who wants and cannot have, and that defines him, that permeates him, that makes him such a sympathetic character to me in the first place. Perfect, smooth Draco-- who really cares what happens to him? Well, I suppose it's that I don't care.

I think I want to write about that prototypical teenager... unaware of who he really is, full of rage and resentment and artifice, gay and in the closet, always making fun of everything because he's bored and powerless, in love with a huge untouchable too-good-for-him jerk, closed in by his parents' expectations and his friends' inability to really connect with him and his own inability to ever express himself. He's in this school that should've been his, and he's a joke-- he tries to turn the joke around on the other side, but he's privately aware he's the joke, and the sheer hatred of everything and everyone overwhelms him.

He's never really been sincere a day in his life, but he can't help but lust after that without even acknowledging it to himself. He hates Potter for not taking him seriously because really, that's the worst possible insult. As long as he's paid attention to, it doesn't matter what sort of attention it is. He's seen and he's worthy. He's a superstar.

I feel like he's singing to me, and asking me to write about his angst, I swear to god. Something about that-- I can't get over it because that emotional state is so personal to me, I guess? I know it so well. I may not know about love, but I know about needing love so much it hurts-- seeing this shining perfect ideal that is so untouchable one starts to hate it, to loathe it, to despise it almost as much as one despises one's own weakness in not being able to overcome it. To hate what you love and cannot have-- isn't that truly the stuff of tragic melodrama? Ahhh, I feel like such a maudlin teenager (which I secretly am).

Hahah, what I need to realize is, it's not so much about H/D as about my fascination with a certain type of self-destructive desire which I can see realized in the character of Draco Malfoy. It makes me think of that scene in the Sandman where Rose tells Desire that she hates love. It's that state of absolute romantic nihilism... I don't know, I can never quite get over my infatuation with it -.-



I don't care if it hurts, I wanna have control
I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice, when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

Comments

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Ahhh the eyes o_0
...You just make comments like that to weird me out, don't you :>

[nothingbutfic.livejournal.com]

I just found that odd, considering I've all but written that about my Draco, word for word, about ten million times in the past year.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Heheh, I guess we agree then...? :-? I wasn't ever arguing with you, really? Er? ^^;
If you want 'proof' it's independently reached, I've had my layout for a year and it has Creep lyrics and Draco on it >:D

[nothingbutfic.livejournal.com]

I guess not. I suppose I find it ironic, then.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

I think what it all comes down to is that I'm contradictory based on my moods and how I choose to spin some basic predispositions I always have... like, I can go several ways. I always felt H/D was 'impossible' and I liked it that way, because I like to batter myself against impossibility & fate & such and it's not even about 'winning' so much as it is about struggle to become, to find one's real identity, to deconstruct shells, etc. How confident I am that there's a real point and any hope depends on my mood ^^

What I meant was, I start out with this sort of prototypical 'hopeless' hypocritical character (Draco, for most purposes), and I try to... twist him, I guess. I've never been successful, but I'm always interested in both hope & hopelessness in anyone's life. What's interesting to me also (about my idea of Draco) is that he never gives up-- even though he's beaten, he keeps going. So there's a sort of odd hope in hopelessness, a contradiction that I've never quite been able to pin down. There's something... I dunno, romantic? About all the little & big self-delusions and attempts at transcending oneself in love. I guess I root for him even as I don't see 'a way out', so to speak. I think I like the struggle more than the victory or defeat :-?

[nothingbutfic.livejournal.com]

I don't disagree with you. I find it ironic in that I find his struggle more ironic or tragic than you perhaps? Certainly my Draco tries and struggles and rarely succeeds. And also considering you, uh, say I do comedy better or something and rarely (if ever) read my fic? :-?

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Man, isn't my Draco themesong tragic/depressing enough? ^^; I don't think I find Draco's situation tragic per se because it's still open-ended in my mind; I think tragedy needs a concrete end and while a fanfic could go one way or another, until JKR kills him off and sends Harry to a long & happy hetero married life, he's got a chance, and that makes things interesting for me. Besides, I get very tired of Draco's angst (which is why I dropped my longfics, I guess, partly)-- I just want fics not to go the complete opposite direction of making Draco well-adjusted & beautifully non-obsessed or whatever, 'cause that makes me twitch :> I like it when -other- people take Draco's issues & do things I can't necessarily do with them and make me feel good & make me laugh at the silliness of it all. 'Cause well, it is rather funny ^^;; So a lot of it is just that I gravitate toward either comedies or dark romances-- the romance part being a certain... transformation of the hopeless into the hopeful/sparkly even somewhat. 'Cause I'm a sucker.

But mostly I haven't read any H/D fic for like half a year now ^^;

[nothingbutfic.livejournal.com]

I don't HAVE a Draco themesong. Or maybe I do. It's probably by Cher. ^^;;;

I don't know yours; am bad fen. I suppose - and I've said this consistently for oh, a year and a half now - I view Draco as having certain elements which are Dracoesque, which make him Draco, and one of those is his essential lameness, the fact he can't succeed and win (or at least not in the way he wants and thinks he should) and remain Draco. He's like the elemental incompetent, in my head.

Ah, okay. That's a shame, as some of my recent stuff, is all dark comedic romance shit. So.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Oh, I meant `Creep' was my Draco themesong (of the moment)-- that's why I made the post, after all >:D I mean, I realize it's overly serious to be IC or whatever but I can't seem to help myself, and it's more of a nostalgic type thing.... I also think my dream for him always gets muddled up with how I see his base situation-- that is, I want him to stop being a static character & seize the day-- y'know, sometimes that happens. To people, I mean, not children's book characters necessarily. One can... grow up? Most people don't, of course ^^;; And yeah, that'd change some basic properties, maybe? But without that hope for direction, I'm lost as to where to go with him.

...I'm getting this vague, uncertain feeling like you're telling me to read your fics :))