[lovesong for a hypocrite]
Apr. 27th, 2005 04:38 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reenkaI love this song. It makes me all angsty, like I'm about ready to write (finish??) my damned H/D epic. It's like... it's my Draco song, even though I can totally see OoTP!Harry in it, and perhaps that's more IC, too.
Actually, this reminds me... perhaps I should make myself a songlist to listen to to get myself in the mood to finish my longfic, because listening to `Creep' with that in mind definitely gets me going. That sheer endless bitterness and existential rage... I'm not saying it's canon, I'm just saying it's my Draco. Le sigh. I shall always love him to death.
The funny part is, most H/D fics these days really seem to switch around the basic set-up in my mind-- so that it's Harry looking up to Draco and finding him cool and sexy and untouchable. But that does absolutely nothing for me. It makes no emotional sense and it's not even hot to me, regardless of the stupid top/bottom debacle. Because... because Draco's the one on his metaphorical knees, always trying and always failing. Draco's the one who wants and cannot have, and that defines him, that permeates him, that makes him such a sympathetic character to me in the first place. Perfect, smooth Draco-- who really cares what happens to him? Well, I suppose it's that I don't care.
I think I want to write about that prototypical teenager... unaware of who he really is, full of rage and resentment and artifice, gay and in the closet, always making fun of everything because he's bored and powerless, in love with a huge untouchable too-good-for-him jerk, closed in by his parents' expectations and his friends' inability to really connect with him and his own inability to ever express himself. He's in this school that should've been his, and he's a joke-- he tries to turn the joke around on the other side, but he's privately aware he's the joke, and the sheer hatred of everything and everyone overwhelms him.
He's never really been sincere a day in his life, but he can't help but lust after that without even acknowledging it to himself. He hates Potter for not taking him seriously because really, that's the worst possible insult. As long as he's paid attention to, it doesn't matter what sort of attention it is. He's seen and he's worthy. He's a superstar.
I feel like he's singing to me, and asking me to write about his angst, I swear to god. Something about that-- I can't get over it because that emotional state is so personal to me, I guess? I know it so well. I may not know about love, but I know about needing love so much it hurts-- seeing this shining perfect ideal that is so untouchable one starts to hate it, to loathe it, to despise it almost as much as one despises one's own weakness in not being able to overcome it. To hate what you love and cannot have-- isn't that truly the stuff of tragic melodrama? Ahhh, I feel like such a maudlin teenager (which I secretly am).
Hahah, what I need to realize is, it's not so much about H/D as about my fascination with a certain type of self-destructive desire which I can see realized in the character of Draco Malfoy. It makes me think of that scene in the Sandman where Rose tells Desire that she hates love. It's that state of absolute romantic nihilism... I don't know, I can never quite get over my infatuation with it -.-
I don't care if it hurts, I wanna have control
I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice, when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
Actually, this reminds me... perhaps I should make myself a songlist to listen to to get myself in the mood to finish my longfic, because listening to `Creep' with that in mind definitely gets me going. That sheer endless bitterness and existential rage... I'm not saying it's canon, I'm just saying it's my Draco. Le sigh. I shall always love him to death.
The funny part is, most H/D fics these days really seem to switch around the basic set-up in my mind-- so that it's Harry looking up to Draco and finding him cool and sexy and untouchable. But that does absolutely nothing for me. It makes no emotional sense and it's not even hot to me, regardless of the stupid top/bottom debacle. Because... because Draco's the one on his metaphorical knees, always trying and always failing. Draco's the one who wants and cannot have, and that defines him, that permeates him, that makes him such a sympathetic character to me in the first place. Perfect, smooth Draco-- who really cares what happens to him? Well, I suppose it's that I don't care.
I think I want to write about that prototypical teenager... unaware of who he really is, full of rage and resentment and artifice, gay and in the closet, always making fun of everything because he's bored and powerless, in love with a huge untouchable too-good-for-him jerk, closed in by his parents' expectations and his friends' inability to really connect with him and his own inability to ever express himself. He's in this school that should've been his, and he's a joke-- he tries to turn the joke around on the other side, but he's privately aware he's the joke, and the sheer hatred of everything and everyone overwhelms him.
He's never really been sincere a day in his life, but he can't help but lust after that without even acknowledging it to himself. He hates Potter for not taking him seriously because really, that's the worst possible insult. As long as he's paid attention to, it doesn't matter what sort of attention it is. He's seen and he's worthy. He's a superstar.
I feel like he's singing to me, and asking me to write about his angst, I swear to god. Something about that-- I can't get over it because that emotional state is so personal to me, I guess? I know it so well. I may not know about love, but I know about needing love so much it hurts-- seeing this shining perfect ideal that is so untouchable one starts to hate it, to loathe it, to despise it almost as much as one despises one's own weakness in not being able to overcome it. To hate what you love and cannot have-- isn't that truly the stuff of tragic melodrama? Ahhh, I feel like such a maudlin teenager (which I secretly am).
Hahah, what I need to realize is, it's not so much about H/D as about my fascination with a certain type of self-destructive desire which I can see realized in the character of Draco Malfoy. It makes me think of that scene in the Sandman where Rose tells Desire that she hates love. It's that state of absolute romantic nihilism... I don't know, I can never quite get over my infatuation with it -.-
I don't care if it hurts, I wanna have control
I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice, when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special
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Date: 2005-04-27 03:16 am (UTC)Ahhhh... I deeply deeply suspect that lovely_slyth is Olivia... *weeps copiously*