[too busy writing your tragedy]
Feb. 10th, 2005 02:53 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reenkaWhenever I feel angsty, I think about H/D. It's like... I could always make cute pointless posts, but somehow I'd rather read manga instead. But when it comes to pointless philosophizing on the nature of nothing & make-believe sex, I'm never quite too exhausted. Man. I should start actually watching TV so I can write fic about it or something but dude, it's TV. I'd have to leave the computer. It's... in the other room. You know how it is. No, actually TV makes me feel a little too brain-dead, like... cracked-out but not enough.
I was actually messing about trying to write a post about how flexible I think things could theoretically be with this uke/seme and/or top/bottom business, but then I realized I don't care, because if it was relevant, then I wouldn't be interested anymore. Like, if you can fit someone in a box, they're not the sort of character I want to think too much about (unless it's a very pretty box that has sweets in it... of the Reena's Stereotypical Sex Object variety). I think for me it's like... I don't like for anything to be absolutely guarranteed, totally certain. Any dynamic that doesn't change seems stagnant to me as a reader, anyway... but that's a personal preference thing.
I'm currently in love with this manga called 'I Won't Be Your Stepping Stone', and dude. Dude. Uncertainty, obsession, aggression, frustration, rejection, possession, molestation, crazed need and utter bastards-- all the good stuff, none of the fat! It's the story I always go for: sex-obsessed (read: desperate yet repressed) overthinking (yet really stupid) arrogant (read: insecure) bastard meets match in fiesty, impulsive free-spirited type who can give as good as he gets. Ahhh, sweet obsession. The scary thing is, this reminds me of some fanon!H/D I've read. o_0 That's sort of... disturbing now.
I think I've largely been in fandom to read fanfic, yeah, but it's not because I like the characters. I mean, I may or may not like certain characters on a personal level, but this doesn't quite have to do with whether I compulsively seek out fic about them. To be more precise, I need to deeply obsessed with the theme I feel like a certain character represents in order to be constantly driven to read (but especially write) about it. I mean, there are definite patterns in the types of characters I feel most drawn to, but it's not that I admire them at all-- like, I definitely have never admired Draco, and Draco's been pretty much the reason I got into fandom and kept reading fic.
It just occurred to me that that's at least partly why I've been feeling a disconnect with the community aspect of things now that the 'old-style' fic is all but gone. There are still people who love Draco & Harry and Harry/Draco, but I don't identify with them.... I don't love Draco, and if I did, I wouldn't need to share it with anyone (like, I don't need to share my feelings on Harry with anyone, since they're just kind of there). I'm not a fan of him as a character or anything; it's just that he's got this connection to some ideals in my head... for the longest time, I envisioned Draco as the endless quintessential Seeker-- one who seeks, searches, needs something desperately in life. See, Harry actually attains things in the end-- it's Draco who's driven, and purely by base emotion-- no higher ideals, no distracting uber-quest, nothing but raw emotion. And somehow I get the feeling all the actual fans aren't in it for the 'watch Draco want things he can't have' theme bit. It doesn't matter if he fails, because life's not about whether you win or lose-- it's about trying; about always seeking the next horizon, always pursuing your dream, your obsession, your best destiny.
I just love this unquenchable, endless (eternal?) active pursuit of what you need-- and I love that ideal of soul-deep need. That concept that if you want, you do everything you can to take, because need is everything. And of course I adore conflict (in fiction); the bigger the obstacles in front of a character, the better! I mean, on a gut level I don't understand those people who want romance (...or life) to be easy. Because what good is anything if it's easy? How would you appreciate it if it came too naturally?
On some level, I don't want the desired thing to ever actually be obtained-- I don't know if I want Draco to be content, because if he has what he wants, he bores me as a character, but it goes beyond that-- once obtained, the desired thing in general is no longer attractive to me. I mean, theoretically I want that to be possible on the horizon, yeah-- but always on the horizon, at the very edge of the world where the ocean drops off into heaven. I want that horizon to always, always recede, so that he (my archetypical Seeker) could always seek it. I mean, this is way beyond Draco & Harry-- this is how I see life, the universe & everything, pretty much. It's a process of wanting and needing and never quite satisfying that greed which drives us, but attaining happiness in merely the living, the day-to-day conflicts and joys and changes, the tiny victories and the commonplace beauties.
This is a painful destiny I envision, isn't it-- and it's a painful reality quite often, too. But that's what makes it beautiful, isn't it? That pain, that prickle that wells up the drop of blood, that thorn on the rose. We can, none of us, ever quite touch each other. There is always language in the way, always misunderstandings, missed signals, crossed wires, different expectations, ruined hopes, and baggage, baggage, baggage. The future is waiting for us, waiting to swallow and not spit back out again, because-- well, because there's no way back. No way into the past, no way to cross the same river, no way to return, not even to ourselves.
EDIT - I think I see H/D as both negative & positive in its effects-- they kinda go together in my head.... I can never decide which way it's really supposed to go, in the end-- because it's really like there -can't- be an ending in my meta vision, I guess. I didn't mean to focus so much on the hopelessness & negativity-- it's both hopeless and hopeful, both raw & vital as blood and hazy and untouchable as smoke. Always dancing on the edge, knives out and hearts never safe.
~~
Also: I've found Lililicious, which is a manga scanlation group only for femslash! Yeay!
Random: I've just watched the first 30 seconds of the opening to Bleach, and the main character's this grumpy spiky-redhead dude that reminds me of Kyou, and I think I'm already in love... or lust... or something <3
I was actually messing about trying to write a post about how flexible I think things could theoretically be with this uke/seme and/or top/bottom business, but then I realized I don't care, because if it was relevant, then I wouldn't be interested anymore. Like, if you can fit someone in a box, they're not the sort of character I want to think too much about (unless it's a very pretty box that has sweets in it... of the Reena's Stereotypical Sex Object variety). I think for me it's like... I don't like for anything to be absolutely guarranteed, totally certain. Any dynamic that doesn't change seems stagnant to me as a reader, anyway... but that's a personal preference thing.
I'm currently in love with this manga called 'I Won't Be Your Stepping Stone', and dude. Dude. Uncertainty, obsession, aggression, frustration, rejection, possession, molestation, crazed need and utter bastards-- all the good stuff, none of the fat! It's the story I always go for: sex-obsessed (read: desperate yet repressed) overthinking (yet really stupid) arrogant (read: insecure) bastard meets match in fiesty, impulsive free-spirited type who can give as good as he gets. Ahhh, sweet obsession. The scary thing is, this reminds me of some fanon!H/D I've read. o_0 That's sort of... disturbing now.
I think I've largely been in fandom to read fanfic, yeah, but it's not because I like the characters. I mean, I may or may not like certain characters on a personal level, but this doesn't quite have to do with whether I compulsively seek out fic about them. To be more precise, I need to deeply obsessed with the theme I feel like a certain character represents in order to be constantly driven to read (but especially write) about it. I mean, there are definite patterns in the types of characters I feel most drawn to, but it's not that I admire them at all-- like, I definitely have never admired Draco, and Draco's been pretty much the reason I got into fandom and kept reading fic.
It just occurred to me that that's at least partly why I've been feeling a disconnect with the community aspect of things now that the 'old-style' fic is all but gone. There are still people who love Draco & Harry and Harry/Draco, but I don't identify with them.... I don't love Draco, and if I did, I wouldn't need to share it with anyone (like, I don't need to share my feelings on Harry with anyone, since they're just kind of there). I'm not a fan of him as a character or anything; it's just that he's got this connection to some ideals in my head... for the longest time, I envisioned Draco as the endless quintessential Seeker-- one who seeks, searches, needs something desperately in life. See, Harry actually attains things in the end-- it's Draco who's driven, and purely by base emotion-- no higher ideals, no distracting uber-quest, nothing but raw emotion. And somehow I get the feeling all the actual fans aren't in it for the 'watch Draco want things he can't have' theme bit. It doesn't matter if he fails, because life's not about whether you win or lose-- it's about trying; about always seeking the next horizon, always pursuing your dream, your obsession, your best destiny.
I just love this unquenchable, endless (eternal?) active pursuit of what you need-- and I love that ideal of soul-deep need. That concept that if you want, you do everything you can to take, because need is everything. And of course I adore conflict (in fiction); the bigger the obstacles in front of a character, the better! I mean, on a gut level I don't understand those people who want romance (...or life) to be easy. Because what good is anything if it's easy? How would you appreciate it if it came too naturally?
On some level, I don't want the desired thing to ever actually be obtained-- I don't know if I want Draco to be content, because if he has what he wants, he bores me as a character, but it goes beyond that-- once obtained, the desired thing in general is no longer attractive to me. I mean, theoretically I want that to be possible on the horizon, yeah-- but always on the horizon, at the very edge of the world where the ocean drops off into heaven. I want that horizon to always, always recede, so that he (my archetypical Seeker) could always seek it. I mean, this is way beyond Draco & Harry-- this is how I see life, the universe & everything, pretty much. It's a process of wanting and needing and never quite satisfying that greed which drives us, but attaining happiness in merely the living, the day-to-day conflicts and joys and changes, the tiny victories and the commonplace beauties.
This is a painful destiny I envision, isn't it-- and it's a painful reality quite often, too. But that's what makes it beautiful, isn't it? That pain, that prickle that wells up the drop of blood, that thorn on the rose. We can, none of us, ever quite touch each other. There is always language in the way, always misunderstandings, missed signals, crossed wires, different expectations, ruined hopes, and baggage, baggage, baggage. The future is waiting for us, waiting to swallow and not spit back out again, because-- well, because there's no way back. No way into the past, no way to cross the same river, no way to return, not even to ourselves.
EDIT - I think I see H/D as both negative & positive in its effects-- they kinda go together in my head.... I can never decide which way it's really supposed to go, in the end-- because it's really like there -can't- be an ending in my meta vision, I guess. I didn't mean to focus so much on the hopelessness & negativity-- it's both hopeless and hopeful, both raw & vital as blood and hazy and untouchable as smoke. Always dancing on the edge, knives out and hearts never safe.
~~
Also: I've found Lililicious, which is a manga scanlation group only for femslash! Yeay!
Random: I've just watched the first 30 seconds of the opening to Bleach, and the main character's this grumpy spiky-redhead dude that reminds me of Kyou, and I think I'm already in love... or lust... or something <3
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no subject
Date: 2005-02-17 12:23 pm (UTC)This is a topic of interest to me, particularly concerning the practical application of nondualism. If we 'are one with' objects of desire, what is the way to interact with objects? A lot of my thinking about what an 'object' is derives from pondering the term, 'sex object.' Money, I think, is a sort of formless object and the desire for it in its own right is equally vague.
no subject
Date: 2005-02-17 06:52 pm (UTC)An desired object or state of mind can be something attainable, like a pleasant view or pretty shoes, or essentially unattainable & rooted in the imagination, like some aspect of a person. People often try to limit other people's being in order to feel more in control, I guess, more capable of controlling them, but in the end the control (implicit in making a sensient being into an object) is completely imaginary. On the other hand, there's a way in which the fantasy is a part of oneself beause in this case one originates it and sustains it with no real possibility of true cross-over into reality. As in, you can never really have what you think you want, since what you want is something you made up like the Easter bunny.
Anyway, it seems to have less to do with the mysteries of objects (...which don't actually seem to possess mystery) & more to do with the mysteries of people.
no subject
Date: 2005-02-18 12:17 pm (UTC)My functional definition of happiness is the experience of unconditioned consciousness experienced in between successive thoughts. Objectively speaking, I define happiness is the time in between the fulfilment of one desire and the acquisition of another.
As I think about it more, I see increasing validity to your point about the differences between sex objects and other objects. Food, liquor and shoes are all generally attainable in a manner that meets expectations. That is, the desire may be safely be allowed to arise because it can be fulfilled without significant difficulty when it reaches its natural peak.
I like your example of a pleasant view as an object. Here it is an object as in 'object of the game' the game being, 'see that view.' There may be obstacles along the way and the climb for the view may prove to be ruined by incoming clouds. Clouds can be aesthetically pleasing as well. The question is one of expectations. If the object is to see a pretty sunrise, the journey does not bring happiness if a pretty sunrise is not seen. If the object is to climb the hill before dawn and experience dawn, then it is much harder to fail.
there's a way in which the fantasy is a part of oneself beause in this case one originates it and sustains it with no real possibility of true cross-over into reality.
There is a certain purity to this in that there are no outside factors to change the plausibility of the fantasy. Of course, this can lead to stagnancy as well.
you can never really have what you think you want, since what you want is something you made up like the Easter bunny.
Knowing this all along forms a certain amount of protection against disappointment. Sometimes when life is very hard, hope is dangerous because it opens vulnerability to disappointment.
Anyway, it seems to have less to do with the mysteries of objects (...which don't actually seem to possess mystery) & more to do with the mysteries of people.
I just struck three or four trite remarks and gave up. What you said. :P