[too busy writing your tragedy]
Feb. 10th, 2005 02:53 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reenkaWhenever I feel angsty, I think about H/D. It's like... I could always make cute pointless posts, but somehow I'd rather read manga instead. But when it comes to pointless philosophizing on the nature of nothing & make-believe sex, I'm never quite too exhausted. Man. I should start actually watching TV so I can write fic about it or something but dude, it's TV. I'd have to leave the computer. It's... in the other room. You know how it is. No, actually TV makes me feel a little too brain-dead, like... cracked-out but not enough.
I was actually messing about trying to write a post about how flexible I think things could theoretically be with this uke/seme and/or top/bottom business, but then I realized I don't care, because if it was relevant, then I wouldn't be interested anymore. Like, if you can fit someone in a box, they're not the sort of character I want to think too much about (unless it's a very pretty box that has sweets in it... of the Reena's Stereotypical Sex Object variety). I think for me it's like... I don't like for anything to be absolutely guarranteed, totally certain. Any dynamic that doesn't change seems stagnant to me as a reader, anyway... but that's a personal preference thing.
I'm currently in love with this manga called 'I Won't Be Your Stepping Stone', and dude. Dude. Uncertainty, obsession, aggression, frustration, rejection, possession, molestation, crazed need and utter bastards-- all the good stuff, none of the fat! It's the story I always go for: sex-obsessed (read: desperate yet repressed) overthinking (yet really stupid) arrogant (read: insecure) bastard meets match in fiesty, impulsive free-spirited type who can give as good as he gets. Ahhh, sweet obsession. The scary thing is, this reminds me of some fanon!H/D I've read. o_0 That's sort of... disturbing now.
I think I've largely been in fandom to read fanfic, yeah, but it's not because I like the characters. I mean, I may or may not like certain characters on a personal level, but this doesn't quite have to do with whether I compulsively seek out fic about them. To be more precise, I need to deeply obsessed with the theme I feel like a certain character represents in order to be constantly driven to read (but especially write) about it. I mean, there are definite patterns in the types of characters I feel most drawn to, but it's not that I admire them at all-- like, I definitely have never admired Draco, and Draco's been pretty much the reason I got into fandom and kept reading fic.
It just occurred to me that that's at least partly why I've been feeling a disconnect with the community aspect of things now that the 'old-style' fic is all but gone. There are still people who love Draco & Harry and Harry/Draco, but I don't identify with them.... I don't love Draco, and if I did, I wouldn't need to share it with anyone (like, I don't need to share my feelings on Harry with anyone, since they're just kind of there). I'm not a fan of him as a character or anything; it's just that he's got this connection to some ideals in my head... for the longest time, I envisioned Draco as the endless quintessential Seeker-- one who seeks, searches, needs something desperately in life. See, Harry actually attains things in the end-- it's Draco who's driven, and purely by base emotion-- no higher ideals, no distracting uber-quest, nothing but raw emotion. And somehow I get the feeling all the actual fans aren't in it for the 'watch Draco want things he can't have' theme bit. It doesn't matter if he fails, because life's not about whether you win or lose-- it's about trying; about always seeking the next horizon, always pursuing your dream, your obsession, your best destiny.
I just love this unquenchable, endless (eternal?) active pursuit of what you need-- and I love that ideal of soul-deep need. That concept that if you want, you do everything you can to take, because need is everything. And of course I adore conflict (in fiction); the bigger the obstacles in front of a character, the better! I mean, on a gut level I don't understand those people who want romance (...or life) to be easy. Because what good is anything if it's easy? How would you appreciate it if it came too naturally?
On some level, I don't want the desired thing to ever actually be obtained-- I don't know if I want Draco to be content, because if he has what he wants, he bores me as a character, but it goes beyond that-- once obtained, the desired thing in general is no longer attractive to me. I mean, theoretically I want that to be possible on the horizon, yeah-- but always on the horizon, at the very edge of the world where the ocean drops off into heaven. I want that horizon to always, always recede, so that he (my archetypical Seeker) could always seek it. I mean, this is way beyond Draco & Harry-- this is how I see life, the universe & everything, pretty much. It's a process of wanting and needing and never quite satisfying that greed which drives us, but attaining happiness in merely the living, the day-to-day conflicts and joys and changes, the tiny victories and the commonplace beauties.
This is a painful destiny I envision, isn't it-- and it's a painful reality quite often, too. But that's what makes it beautiful, isn't it? That pain, that prickle that wells up the drop of blood, that thorn on the rose. We can, none of us, ever quite touch each other. There is always language in the way, always misunderstandings, missed signals, crossed wires, different expectations, ruined hopes, and baggage, baggage, baggage. The future is waiting for us, waiting to swallow and not spit back out again, because-- well, because there's no way back. No way into the past, no way to cross the same river, no way to return, not even to ourselves.
EDIT - I think I see H/D as both negative & positive in its effects-- they kinda go together in my head.... I can never decide which way it's really supposed to go, in the end-- because it's really like there -can't- be an ending in my meta vision, I guess. I didn't mean to focus so much on the hopelessness & negativity-- it's both hopeless and hopeful, both raw & vital as blood and hazy and untouchable as smoke. Always dancing on the edge, knives out and hearts never safe.
~~
Also: I've found Lililicious, which is a manga scanlation group only for femslash! Yeay!
Random: I've just watched the first 30 seconds of the opening to Bleach, and the main character's this grumpy spiky-redhead dude that reminds me of Kyou, and I think I'm already in love... or lust... or something <3
I was actually messing about trying to write a post about how flexible I think things could theoretically be with this uke/seme and/or top/bottom business, but then I realized I don't care, because if it was relevant, then I wouldn't be interested anymore. Like, if you can fit someone in a box, they're not the sort of character I want to think too much about (unless it's a very pretty box that has sweets in it... of the Reena's Stereotypical Sex Object variety). I think for me it's like... I don't like for anything to be absolutely guarranteed, totally certain. Any dynamic that doesn't change seems stagnant to me as a reader, anyway... but that's a personal preference thing.
I'm currently in love with this manga called 'I Won't Be Your Stepping Stone', and dude. Dude. Uncertainty, obsession, aggression, frustration, rejection, possession, molestation, crazed need and utter bastards-- all the good stuff, none of the fat! It's the story I always go for: sex-obsessed (read: desperate yet repressed) overthinking (yet really stupid) arrogant (read: insecure) bastard meets match in fiesty, impulsive free-spirited type who can give as good as he gets. Ahhh, sweet obsession. The scary thing is, this reminds me of some fanon!H/D I've read. o_0 That's sort of... disturbing now.
I think I've largely been in fandom to read fanfic, yeah, but it's not because I like the characters. I mean, I may or may not like certain characters on a personal level, but this doesn't quite have to do with whether I compulsively seek out fic about them. To be more precise, I need to deeply obsessed with the theme I feel like a certain character represents in order to be constantly driven to read (but especially write) about it. I mean, there are definite patterns in the types of characters I feel most drawn to, but it's not that I admire them at all-- like, I definitely have never admired Draco, and Draco's been pretty much the reason I got into fandom and kept reading fic.
It just occurred to me that that's at least partly why I've been feeling a disconnect with the community aspect of things now that the 'old-style' fic is all but gone. There are still people who love Draco & Harry and Harry/Draco, but I don't identify with them.... I don't love Draco, and if I did, I wouldn't need to share it with anyone (like, I don't need to share my feelings on Harry with anyone, since they're just kind of there). I'm not a fan of him as a character or anything; it's just that he's got this connection to some ideals in my head... for the longest time, I envisioned Draco as the endless quintessential Seeker-- one who seeks, searches, needs something desperately in life. See, Harry actually attains things in the end-- it's Draco who's driven, and purely by base emotion-- no higher ideals, no distracting uber-quest, nothing but raw emotion. And somehow I get the feeling all the actual fans aren't in it for the 'watch Draco want things he can't have' theme bit. It doesn't matter if he fails, because life's not about whether you win or lose-- it's about trying; about always seeking the next horizon, always pursuing your dream, your obsession, your best destiny.
I just love this unquenchable, endless (eternal?) active pursuit of what you need-- and I love that ideal of soul-deep need. That concept that if you want, you do everything you can to take, because need is everything. And of course I adore conflict (in fiction); the bigger the obstacles in front of a character, the better! I mean, on a gut level I don't understand those people who want romance (...or life) to be easy. Because what good is anything if it's easy? How would you appreciate it if it came too naturally?
On some level, I don't want the desired thing to ever actually be obtained-- I don't know if I want Draco to be content, because if he has what he wants, he bores me as a character, but it goes beyond that-- once obtained, the desired thing in general is no longer attractive to me. I mean, theoretically I want that to be possible on the horizon, yeah-- but always on the horizon, at the very edge of the world where the ocean drops off into heaven. I want that horizon to always, always recede, so that he (my archetypical Seeker) could always seek it. I mean, this is way beyond Draco & Harry-- this is how I see life, the universe & everything, pretty much. It's a process of wanting and needing and never quite satisfying that greed which drives us, but attaining happiness in merely the living, the day-to-day conflicts and joys and changes, the tiny victories and the commonplace beauties.
This is a painful destiny I envision, isn't it-- and it's a painful reality quite often, too. But that's what makes it beautiful, isn't it? That pain, that prickle that wells up the drop of blood, that thorn on the rose. We can, none of us, ever quite touch each other. There is always language in the way, always misunderstandings, missed signals, crossed wires, different expectations, ruined hopes, and baggage, baggage, baggage. The future is waiting for us, waiting to swallow and not spit back out again, because-- well, because there's no way back. No way into the past, no way to cross the same river, no way to return, not even to ourselves.
EDIT - I think I see H/D as both negative & positive in its effects-- they kinda go together in my head.... I can never decide which way it's really supposed to go, in the end-- because it's really like there -can't- be an ending in my meta vision, I guess. I didn't mean to focus so much on the hopelessness & negativity-- it's both hopeless and hopeful, both raw & vital as blood and hazy and untouchable as smoke. Always dancing on the edge, knives out and hearts never safe.
~~
Also: I've found Lililicious, which is a manga scanlation group only for femslash! Yeay!
Random: I've just watched the first 30 seconds of the opening to Bleach, and the main character's this grumpy spiky-redhead dude that reminds me of Kyou, and I think I'm already in love... or lust... or something <3
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Re: Tom Bombadil as Nondualistic Examplar
Date: 2005-02-13 05:40 pm (UTC)I am trying not to take things so seriously.
I can understanding scaring 'non-hardy' types away. I unlisted every last one of my LJ friends and started a huge flood on the first of this year, trying to drive away any who were too offended by seeing me too much on their friends view. It worked, and I have a greater confidence in the interest level of the friends who remained.
I seem to have some talent for understanding various and sundry modes of communicating
This is an important understanding. Currently, I feel the greatest 'serious' contribution I can make to the world takes the form of a book I have called (in envisioning it) 'The Steppenwolf Syndrome,' inspired by Hermann Hesse's book. The core of the idea has to do with how certain people combining high levels of intelligence, creativity and moodiness progress toward madness and self-destruction as social alienation increases in a fragmented and fake world, which is really a big drag to all involved. :P
My LiveJournal is how I kill my ego, as well as inflate it. I brag and then turn cut myself down at times, each of which diminishes my pride and moves me closer to clear expression.
Re: Tom Bombadil as Nondualistic Examplar
Date: 2005-02-13 06:04 pm (UTC)I think the biggest problem highly intelligent/creative people seem to have is a lack of development of interpersonal intelligence. Like, that seems to be a constant theme in what I've experienced of life so far, but 'average' people have the same problem, it's just they're not as extreme in their various traits so it all balances more. Perhaps it's also that alienation increases as community decreases and technology develops further. But I do think it's a fallacy that the world is any more fake or fragmented than it ever was... it seems like there's a much greater degree of communication these days, what with the Information Age & all that... it's just that a lot more people have either too little time to spend with their friends/families or too much time alone to have existential crises.
All in all, I'm stubbornly optimistic, I guess :>
Re: Tom Bombadil as Nondualistic Examplar
Date: 2005-02-13 06:53 pm (UTC)Thank you for pinning this down in clear language. This is a central part of my theme. Have you read Steppenwolf? The answer isn't important as much as informative, in terms of common background shared.
'average' people have the same problem, it's just they're not as extreme in their various traits
I agree. My mind caused me problems, so naturally enough, I elevated it to blind superiority. I'm no better than anyone else (http://www.livejournal.com/users/ironicman/2953.html), but I used to think quite the opposite. I'm still getting over it. LJ interest: 'overcoming pretension through absurdity.'
I think it's a fallacy that the world is any more fake or fragmented than it ever was
I agree. This is a good example of how my LJ ramblings don't necessarily represent my exact thoughts, but serve to keep a general flow going. Most ordinary conversation is just alternating voicing the inner monologue. Hmmmm... a dialog of monologues. I like it. LJ is more appropriate for that. Plus, it creates an archive.
too little time to spend with their friends/families or too much time alone to have existential crises
I'm resisting including a lot of links to my journal entries. I'm learning it's not to important to mark every connection. Especially when there are many, it pays to keep moving ahead. This thought relates to a paradox that fuels depression. I have lots of time to spend with friends, but I don't really like to go anywhere. I could be happy with online interaction, but it comes back to the interpersonal skills. There is so much to establish. Look what we've been through on this thread. I think it's impressive, but it's a lot of work to have to go through to start a conversation. Since we both verbalize compulsively, it seems a conversation about conversing is conversationally correct, however. :P
Re: Tom Bombadil as Nondualistic Examplar
Date: 2005-02-13 07:55 pm (UTC)The online interaction thing... eh. It has its negatives & positives, and after 8 (...omg!!) years of doing it virtually non-stop, I have to say, even though I've met so many great friends here... it has more negatives than positives by a long-shot, especially for introverted types who abuse its ability to satisfy without really enriching oneself. Sure, one can subsist on lj, or irc or whatever... but it's a bit too close to living in a plastic bubble, which comes down to a lie. I'm only saying this 'cause I'm there, y'know, the hedgehog's dillemma & everything. Anything that drives one further away from one's senses can't really be a good thing.
I'm still kind of around 'cause I got attached to the people I knew, to the sense of community, to having friends which are harder to make in person for me, but. Meh. This is one instance where incomplete truth seems like... not enough, not for the amount of self-investment involved, at least in my experience. Then again, this is what happens after countless online friendships & relationships & nothing to show for it except a sense of tiredness, I guess >__<;;
Re: Tom Bombadil as Nondualistic Examplar
Date: 2005-02-14 12:26 am (UTC)I find that the conversation we are having is bringing my ideas for
I do have some experience with LJ communities. I'm not involved currently, but I founded
I'd like to see if I can capture your imagination with the
Anything that drives one further away from one's senses can't really be a good thing.
I agree about being driven from the senses. Sometimes it is good to withdraw in order to refresh their perception.
I am finding myself in the delicate position of believing in two realities. That is, two parts of myself have two different conceptions of what is real. My scientist is actually my sensual side, in the sense of empirical observation. My more 'spiritual' side appreciates the void, a very transcendent reality. I suppose it is a philosophy of nondualism that unites these two realities. This lets me follow the natural shift of my inclinations and the tendencies of my worldly outlook without sliding outside of the range of a philosophy I am already comfortable with.