[too busy writing your tragedy]
Feb. 10th, 2005 02:53 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reenkaWhenever I feel angsty, I think about H/D. It's like... I could always make cute pointless posts, but somehow I'd rather read manga instead. But when it comes to pointless philosophizing on the nature of nothing & make-believe sex, I'm never quite too exhausted. Man. I should start actually watching TV so I can write fic about it or something but dude, it's TV. I'd have to leave the computer. It's... in the other room. You know how it is. No, actually TV makes me feel a little too brain-dead, like... cracked-out but not enough.
I was actually messing about trying to write a post about how flexible I think things could theoretically be with this uke/seme and/or top/bottom business, but then I realized I don't care, because if it was relevant, then I wouldn't be interested anymore. Like, if you can fit someone in a box, they're not the sort of character I want to think too much about (unless it's a very pretty box that has sweets in it... of the Reena's Stereotypical Sex Object variety). I think for me it's like... I don't like for anything to be absolutely guarranteed, totally certain. Any dynamic that doesn't change seems stagnant to me as a reader, anyway... but that's a personal preference thing.
I'm currently in love with this manga called 'I Won't Be Your Stepping Stone', and dude. Dude. Uncertainty, obsession, aggression, frustration, rejection, possession, molestation, crazed need and utter bastards-- all the good stuff, none of the fat! It's the story I always go for: sex-obsessed (read: desperate yet repressed) overthinking (yet really stupid) arrogant (read: insecure) bastard meets match in fiesty, impulsive free-spirited type who can give as good as he gets. Ahhh, sweet obsession. The scary thing is, this reminds me of some fanon!H/D I've read. o_0 That's sort of... disturbing now.
I think I've largely been in fandom to read fanfic, yeah, but it's not because I like the characters. I mean, I may or may not like certain characters on a personal level, but this doesn't quite have to do with whether I compulsively seek out fic about them. To be more precise, I need to deeply obsessed with the theme I feel like a certain character represents in order to be constantly driven to read (but especially write) about it. I mean, there are definite patterns in the types of characters I feel most drawn to, but it's not that I admire them at all-- like, I definitely have never admired Draco, and Draco's been pretty much the reason I got into fandom and kept reading fic.
It just occurred to me that that's at least partly why I've been feeling a disconnect with the community aspect of things now that the 'old-style' fic is all but gone. There are still people who love Draco & Harry and Harry/Draco, but I don't identify with them.... I don't love Draco, and if I did, I wouldn't need to share it with anyone (like, I don't need to share my feelings on Harry with anyone, since they're just kind of there). I'm not a fan of him as a character or anything; it's just that he's got this connection to some ideals in my head... for the longest time, I envisioned Draco as the endless quintessential Seeker-- one who seeks, searches, needs something desperately in life. See, Harry actually attains things in the end-- it's Draco who's driven, and purely by base emotion-- no higher ideals, no distracting uber-quest, nothing but raw emotion. And somehow I get the feeling all the actual fans aren't in it for the 'watch Draco want things he can't have' theme bit. It doesn't matter if he fails, because life's not about whether you win or lose-- it's about trying; about always seeking the next horizon, always pursuing your dream, your obsession, your best destiny.
I just love this unquenchable, endless (eternal?) active pursuit of what you need-- and I love that ideal of soul-deep need. That concept that if you want, you do everything you can to take, because need is everything. And of course I adore conflict (in fiction); the bigger the obstacles in front of a character, the better! I mean, on a gut level I don't understand those people who want romance (...or life) to be easy. Because what good is anything if it's easy? How would you appreciate it if it came too naturally?
On some level, I don't want the desired thing to ever actually be obtained-- I don't know if I want Draco to be content, because if he has what he wants, he bores me as a character, but it goes beyond that-- once obtained, the desired thing in general is no longer attractive to me. I mean, theoretically I want that to be possible on the horizon, yeah-- but always on the horizon, at the very edge of the world where the ocean drops off into heaven. I want that horizon to always, always recede, so that he (my archetypical Seeker) could always seek it. I mean, this is way beyond Draco & Harry-- this is how I see life, the universe & everything, pretty much. It's a process of wanting and needing and never quite satisfying that greed which drives us, but attaining happiness in merely the living, the day-to-day conflicts and joys and changes, the tiny victories and the commonplace beauties.
This is a painful destiny I envision, isn't it-- and it's a painful reality quite often, too. But that's what makes it beautiful, isn't it? That pain, that prickle that wells up the drop of blood, that thorn on the rose. We can, none of us, ever quite touch each other. There is always language in the way, always misunderstandings, missed signals, crossed wires, different expectations, ruined hopes, and baggage, baggage, baggage. The future is waiting for us, waiting to swallow and not spit back out again, because-- well, because there's no way back. No way into the past, no way to cross the same river, no way to return, not even to ourselves.
EDIT - I think I see H/D as both negative & positive in its effects-- they kinda go together in my head.... I can never decide which way it's really supposed to go, in the end-- because it's really like there -can't- be an ending in my meta vision, I guess. I didn't mean to focus so much on the hopelessness & negativity-- it's both hopeless and hopeful, both raw & vital as blood and hazy and untouchable as smoke. Always dancing on the edge, knives out and hearts never safe.
~~
Also: I've found Lililicious, which is a manga scanlation group only for femslash! Yeay!
Random: I've just watched the first 30 seconds of the opening to Bleach, and the main character's this grumpy spiky-redhead dude that reminds me of Kyou, and I think I'm already in love... or lust... or something <3
I was actually messing about trying to write a post about how flexible I think things could theoretically be with this uke/seme and/or top/bottom business, but then I realized I don't care, because if it was relevant, then I wouldn't be interested anymore. Like, if you can fit someone in a box, they're not the sort of character I want to think too much about (unless it's a very pretty box that has sweets in it... of the Reena's Stereotypical Sex Object variety). I think for me it's like... I don't like for anything to be absolutely guarranteed, totally certain. Any dynamic that doesn't change seems stagnant to me as a reader, anyway... but that's a personal preference thing.
I'm currently in love with this manga called 'I Won't Be Your Stepping Stone', and dude. Dude. Uncertainty, obsession, aggression, frustration, rejection, possession, molestation, crazed need and utter bastards-- all the good stuff, none of the fat! It's the story I always go for: sex-obsessed (read: desperate yet repressed) overthinking (yet really stupid) arrogant (read: insecure) bastard meets match in fiesty, impulsive free-spirited type who can give as good as he gets. Ahhh, sweet obsession. The scary thing is, this reminds me of some fanon!H/D I've read. o_0 That's sort of... disturbing now.
I think I've largely been in fandom to read fanfic, yeah, but it's not because I like the characters. I mean, I may or may not like certain characters on a personal level, but this doesn't quite have to do with whether I compulsively seek out fic about them. To be more precise, I need to deeply obsessed with the theme I feel like a certain character represents in order to be constantly driven to read (but especially write) about it. I mean, there are definite patterns in the types of characters I feel most drawn to, but it's not that I admire them at all-- like, I definitely have never admired Draco, and Draco's been pretty much the reason I got into fandom and kept reading fic.
It just occurred to me that that's at least partly why I've been feeling a disconnect with the community aspect of things now that the 'old-style' fic is all but gone. There are still people who love Draco & Harry and Harry/Draco, but I don't identify with them.... I don't love Draco, and if I did, I wouldn't need to share it with anyone (like, I don't need to share my feelings on Harry with anyone, since they're just kind of there). I'm not a fan of him as a character or anything; it's just that he's got this connection to some ideals in my head... for the longest time, I envisioned Draco as the endless quintessential Seeker-- one who seeks, searches, needs something desperately in life. See, Harry actually attains things in the end-- it's Draco who's driven, and purely by base emotion-- no higher ideals, no distracting uber-quest, nothing but raw emotion. And somehow I get the feeling all the actual fans aren't in it for the 'watch Draco want things he can't have' theme bit. It doesn't matter if he fails, because life's not about whether you win or lose-- it's about trying; about always seeking the next horizon, always pursuing your dream, your obsession, your best destiny.
I just love this unquenchable, endless (eternal?) active pursuit of what you need-- and I love that ideal of soul-deep need. That concept that if you want, you do everything you can to take, because need is everything. And of course I adore conflict (in fiction); the bigger the obstacles in front of a character, the better! I mean, on a gut level I don't understand those people who want romance (...or life) to be easy. Because what good is anything if it's easy? How would you appreciate it if it came too naturally?
On some level, I don't want the desired thing to ever actually be obtained-- I don't know if I want Draco to be content, because if he has what he wants, he bores me as a character, but it goes beyond that-- once obtained, the desired thing in general is no longer attractive to me. I mean, theoretically I want that to be possible on the horizon, yeah-- but always on the horizon, at the very edge of the world where the ocean drops off into heaven. I want that horizon to always, always recede, so that he (my archetypical Seeker) could always seek it. I mean, this is way beyond Draco & Harry-- this is how I see life, the universe & everything, pretty much. It's a process of wanting and needing and never quite satisfying that greed which drives us, but attaining happiness in merely the living, the day-to-day conflicts and joys and changes, the tiny victories and the commonplace beauties.
This is a painful destiny I envision, isn't it-- and it's a painful reality quite often, too. But that's what makes it beautiful, isn't it? That pain, that prickle that wells up the drop of blood, that thorn on the rose. We can, none of us, ever quite touch each other. There is always language in the way, always misunderstandings, missed signals, crossed wires, different expectations, ruined hopes, and baggage, baggage, baggage. The future is waiting for us, waiting to swallow and not spit back out again, because-- well, because there's no way back. No way into the past, no way to cross the same river, no way to return, not even to ourselves.
EDIT - I think I see H/D as both negative & positive in its effects-- they kinda go together in my head.... I can never decide which way it's really supposed to go, in the end-- because it's really like there -can't- be an ending in my meta vision, I guess. I didn't mean to focus so much on the hopelessness & negativity-- it's both hopeless and hopeful, both raw & vital as blood and hazy and untouchable as smoke. Always dancing on the edge, knives out and hearts never safe.
~~
Also: I've found Lililicious, which is a manga scanlation group only for femslash! Yeay!
Random: I've just watched the first 30 seconds of the opening to Bleach, and the main character's this grumpy spiky-redhead dude that reminds me of Kyou, and I think I'm already in love... or lust... or something <3
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no subject
Date: 2005-02-10 09:59 am (UTC)All of which is really just a setup for me to ask where I can find this manga because now I'm curious.
no subject
Date: 2005-02-10 12:05 pm (UTC)Heh, you don't need to ship H/D to comment, do you? My philosophy of it is so generalist anyway. But with H/D it's the opposite-- it got fluffier post-OoTP ^^;;; 'Cause I guess OoTP was so hopeless, people just gave up trying to be realistic or something. Not that there wasn't fluff before, but the whole ideal was different, if nothing else 'cause most of the intellislashers wrote H/D first... basically -everybody- wrote H/D first, so there's lots of experimental fic... not necessarily IC or whatever, but passionate, idealistic, driven. These days it's more like purely masturbatory, in denial & drowned in repetition.
no subject
Date: 2005-02-13 02:53 am (UTC)It's not so much a question of not shipping H/D; I don't even not ship them, really (I mean, I don't ship them, but I don't not ship them. If you know what I mean). It's more like, I don't really know of what you speak, since I don't read the H/D stuff, so I have no idea where the pairing was or is. I'm not even sure what change you mean, really - having never read the first wave, and probably being incapable of ever doing so because of my canon hangup.
It's interesting though, because you and Aja are both talking about this phenomena, and it brings to light a thought that I've been having, really, in regards to R/S. Which is, you can really tell who started shipping them before OotP as opposed to after, basically by 1) the way they see the characters and 2) how they feel about the overall story. But especially 1, actually. Because many people wrote/read them in fanfic for so long before OotP that those versions of them became very stuck in their brains, and as such they're still essentially writing pre-OotP stuff, except with the updated canon layered on top.
And it's interesting. It makes me wonder what the new book will do to the fandom. There's bound to be another wave of new ways to look at things, and then you'll have like, the old school and the medium school and the new school. I'm not really sure it'll happen with R/S, since Sirius is dead and all (depends, I suspect, on whether we get more Marauders info) but I'm sure it'll happen with the other pairings with major characters in them.
Basically any pairings where we're likely to see dynamic shifting. H/D will, I suspect, get yet another major flavor shift.
/rambling me.
no subject
Date: 2005-02-13 04:05 pm (UTC)But yes, I think OoTP had a huge impact on Harry ships of all sorts, since if anything lots of people disliked OoTP!Harry or were just confused by him & didn't know where to take him afterwards. Like, everyone agreed he was angry, but people either decided to somehow sweep that under the carpet in their fics or make it a parody or an excuse to have him abuse people. *sigh* So it seems to depend, also, on whether most people can really process or understand the changes.
I know what you mean about updated canon, though, since so many WIPs after OoTP said they'd 'update' themselves with new info, as if you can just add little factual details and make it OoTP-informed fic. *laughs* Yeah, right ^^;