(oh baby, maybe someday...)

[reenka]

Is there such a thing as feeling too much nostalgia? And what is that state? What is 'too much'? Conversely, what is 'enough' nostalgia?
    To put this in context, I'm saying this 'cause I randomly found an mp3 recording of `She Says' by ivyblossom, and man, I have all sorts of associations with... well, back when Ivy was in the fandom and I was young and innocent still all aflutter about OOC H/D fics and every other day I had another fic idea and.... That's over now, I think; though I'm capable of feeling nostalgia for things which aren't really over... well, generally I don't. I don't think I ever get used to things I loved fading away; I mean, I'm pretty sure I'll love or at least really enjoy book 6, but it won't be OoTP, and it won't be the optimism & intense undiluted excitement of suddenly loving canon, and it won't be that feeling of huge unexplored vistas and suddenly connecting with Harry for the first time. It will be... a book I really enjoy.

I don't think I can even explain what some of those early fics meant to me-- it doesn't matter if they were OOC or over-flowery or even if they'd make me laugh now.... I have all these emotional resonances forever tied with those first few fics I'd read, which, let's face it, changed my whole life. It's almost scary to realize that I'll never forget `Origins' & LUW & IP & Harry Potter's groove as long as I live. I've gone through so much-- I think in a sense I've grown up as a writer with H/D; my vision of what I wanted to write about and how I saw these characters has changed so much-- so much. I didn't get any less idealistic, though perhaps I became more harsh & honest with time <3 It's been a journey I wouldn't trade for anything.

I can't guarrantee it's over yet-- but it's ending. If nothing else, book 6 will close a lot of fanfic avenues, even before book 7, I'm pretty sure. This is the final lap, whatever happens.

And... I'm happy that what remains in me is love, still. As bitter as I get sometimes, and as tired as I am, I still love them, and I do still love the fictional universe and the experience and community of fandom, and... there's so much love I've gathered, so much I can't even put into words. I can't believe how many fics I've written, finished and unfinished-- that's a really large body of work, right there, and it's large chunk of me, and I can't believe how many fics I've read, and that's a large chunk of me as well. I've also kept all the friends I've made (though I admit some I don't talk to as much these days), and that... that doesn't have to end at all.

Comments

[notrafficlights.livejournal.com]

One word: Futurefics. They just don't get enough love in fandom.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Ahhhh, it's the invasion of fluff, fanon!Draco & settling down to live together while Ron & Hermione have babies and/or Ron is off having a wild affair with Bill and/or Remus or something ><;;
I dunno, I think they're already pretty popular? Maybe that's just my experience, but-- at least half the H/D or H/S I see is post-Hogwarts. I like schoolboys, though ^^; And almost all of them miss that vital attracting force that makes me like Draco as-is at all: the fact that he's an ambiguous character open to development. In a post-Hogwarts fic, he's gone one way or the other-- either he'd joined Voldemort or he's all 'morally reformed' now, and that totally bores me 'cause it eliminates one of the central directions for H/D to go in the first place.

Eh, I'm not really worried about lack of canon to use, more... lack of canon to live in which is different. Post-Hogwarts is a totally different world even if it keeps the characters, it feels like. I've actually a couple post-Hogwarts fics, one of which is my WiP novella, and... it's fun in a sort of experimental sense, but it's not... I dunno, romantic? I really loved Ivy's Belong, Olympia's Tale of the Shining Prince & Resonant's Transfigurations, all post-Hogwarts, but these are the exceptions where... uh... well it's not so much that they're IC by any stretch as they're written by amazingly good writers who could write any Draco or Harry with conviction & flair. I even really disliked the direction Olympia's plot went and got kind of pissed at the fic, but that didn't change how good I thought it was; all this is totally overshadowed by the major H/D longfics set post-Hogwarts that I've loathed however ^^;

[notrafficlights.livejournal.com]

Maybe I've just been reading the right futurefics recently where Draco is still a stupid stuck-up prick and "changed sides" for (yes, give, rather silly) reasons like he didn't want his lovely skin marred by a Dark Mark (heh, I think this is so canon, personally XD) or that Death Eating would be bad for his Seeker career. But I like him like that...

In the Shadow of His Wings is probably my current favourite, if just for the darkness in it. But you're just really bloody hung-up on set on schoolboys, so I suppose you're just too hard to please.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Hard to please? Meeee?
You mean you've just noticed? ^^;; *coughs*

But see, to me it doesn't matter why he's changed sides (or not), as long as the pleasure of seeing that major turning point has been stolen from me. And it doesn't help that as far as I'm concerned, no one has really written Draco redemption in any sense of the word 'convincingly' so I'm all bitter about it being skipped over for any reason, etcetc. Like, I do believe you could make a case for 'he's just too reasonable' or 'too chicken' or 'not that suicidal' or whatever, but whatever it is, it's an excuse he probably wouldn't use if you were going ironclad IC like-it-would-happen-in-canon (not that it's likely, as I suspect Draco is pretty doomed). I used to not care about this, but after reading 198438975 H/D fics, I just want one, please god, one that's 100% convincing. Eh, I think my standards are too high. -.-

I think it's sort of like the Holy Grail, for me. I want to believe H/D is really possible and I realize I care way, way too much about it (it's just fiction... just... fiction...), but all the fics which don't make it as difficult as realistically plausible seem to say 'but it wouldn't work any other way', which... at some point started to depress me, I guess.

I started to read Shadow of His Wings (which anyone who seems to like H/D appears to like these days), and ran away from the fanon!Draco. Or more precisely, from Harry being impressed with fanon!Draco. I think back when I last read H/D (thankfully not anymore), I was starting to twitch dangerously anytime someone hit a pet peeve (not their fault, but). Cool-and-aristocratic Draco (and Harry liking it... hahah I am so easy 'cause in Transfigurations Harry hated the fanon!Draco in it at first and I was like YES!! THE WAY IT SHOULD BE!! FINALLY SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS!!... ahem)... the hugest pet peeve in all my fandom existence (I mean, I've written, what, 50 posts ranting about him by now?) Aah. It is good I am away... for me... for all of us. -.- No more I HATE FANON!DRACO AND WANT HIM TO DIE DIE DIE posts. Yes. It is a good thing. ^^; I am quite aware I'm missing good, well-written fics like this, but my mental health is more important :>

[notrafficlights.livejournal.com]

Well, then, how would you write him being redeemed?

See, this is my entire problem with the idea of redemption & Draco: First of all, we don't even know yet if he needs to be redeemed. "Being redeemed" suggests there's something really evil or something about his character. Which I fail to see. To me he's just a dumb pompous egotistical bully. I mean, Lucius and Tom and Peter need to be redeemed for that sort of definition to work, but if Draco needs to be redeemed then so do the Twins. Second of all, it's a stupid righteous concept which I hate. You can be a bully and a nasty pair of trouble-making Twins git and still be "on the right side" for no other reason than shallow personal benefit or illogical preferences. You can "do the right things for all the wrong reasons", in that sense. And Vice Versa. But anyway, where the fuck was I... oh right. Redemption.

And this ties into the Cool-and-Aristocratic thing too, because that's another fandom ploy to redeem him, in a really stupid and shallow way. And that's why you have a thing for rentboy!Draco fic too, I'm dead sure of it. Nothing cool or aristocratic there.

Anyway, I've really forgotten the point of my original redemption rant, because I got distracted by the printer printing study shit (which I SHOULD be doing right now haha) but er, I think you'll understand, right? Redemption is a stupid concept, but the boy's going to end up doing the right thing in the books anyway, cos who-the-fuck-else is going to represent Slytherin in the big happy House-Love-In (I think I watched a porno read a fic like that once or ten times)?

And I think you hate fanon!Harry who's in love with fanon!Draco more than you hate fanon!Draco XD.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Oh, I didn't mean 'redeemed' in the traditional sense of the word, wherein he's done something serious he needs to atone for in realistic terms. I mean in story terms, in Harry's eyes, and within the context of his clear pathway along his father's footsteps (so it's a question of future tense). It's not his personality that needs to be changed, he just needs to... be saved, I guess, is the more correct term. Saved from himself, from his devotion to his father, from his blinding resentment of Harry which could easily mean he'd do anything to oppose him, and from a rising war which pits "us" against "them" and would make Draco "them" whether or not he -is-.

Ahhhh, I wish I trusted JKR to have Draco represent, but I feeeear, I feeeear. Firstly there's her commentary wherein Draco will never work with Harry, she said. Secondly is how she's always like, OMG WHY ARE YOU SO ON CRACK, DRACO SUCKS, etc. I mean, I suspect Snape won't stay on the 'good' side either (maybe I'm paranoid, but she said not to trust him, but really I don't trust -her- and her need to give people what's 'coming' to them!) It doesn't absolutely have to be Draco (in JKR's mind?) is what bothers me. It could be Theodore Nott! Or something. I dunno. I just don't take it for granted anymore -.-

Draco has a lot of reasons to be bitter, sorta like Snape did... and it doesn't really take strength or conviction to go Snape's initial path-- it takes weakness and a need to conform and it takes the fact that Draco won't fit in anywhere else and he knows it; Harry... Harry doesn't even see him as human moreso than Voldemort in some ways. Now, this is why H/D is so essential and why he has to see Draco in a different light as far as I'm concerned, but.... but Draco exists, it seems like, to get beat up, to be some chitzy 'moral lesson'. So... I'm worried, is all. It's not something I can take for granted, so I want a fic to sell it to me-- I want to see how Draco gets over his shit and gets a clue, 'cause... he could easily get dead before that happens.

And I think you hate fanon!Harry who's in love with fanon!Draco more than you hate fanon!Draco
AHAHAHA BEST THING EVER *falls over* *is v. v. dead*
This is so hilarious to me 'cause I think it's so true!!1 And yet I can never say I dislike any kind of Harry, that would like, break my brain, so! I blame Draco!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (...poor boy, what did he ever do to me, seriously, I do so love to abuse him... aww, he loves it, I know he does). But yes! Yes! I don't actually feel any resentment against Harry no matter how Harry's written (I can dislike a fic, but not the Harry in it... or at least, it's very very hard to get me to admit it, ahahah). I sort of run away from a fic with my tail between my legs if I feel myself beginning to dislike Harry, and I always blame something-- the writing, the plot, the Draco(!!)-- it's never the Harry, per se, even if I dislike what he does. ^^;; AHAHAHAHAHAH. Oh, I amuse myself.

...*issues*
(AND THEN I ROLE-PLAYED HARRY FOR LIKE 3+ MONTHS, IS IT ANY WONDER I WENT NUTS STOPPED WRITING FIC??!)
*feels sudden conspicuous lack of her former one third Harry icons or so*

[notrafficlights.livejournal.com]

(AND THEN I ROLE-PLAYED HARRY FOR LIKE 3+ MONTHS, IS IT ANY WONDER I WENT NUTS STOPPED WRITING FIC??!)

*steepled fingers, leather couch, notebook etc* Veerrry Iiinterestink. Seriously, though, where did you RP him?

but Draco exists, it seems like, to get beat up, to be some chitzy 'moral lesson'.

Heh...

Harry: Did she say 'chintzy'? Like an armchair?
Draco: Wanna sit in my lap and find out?

Sorry, couldn't help it. Anyway, I thought he was there for plot development? I mean, let's see. There's the Robe-shop scene where Harry gets all "ZOMG WIZARDS ARE WEIRD", and then the Rememberball where Harry gets all "ZOMG I CAN FLY", and then the midnight duel which leads to fluffy and Harry getting all "ZOMG THERE'S A DOOR", and then Norbert etc which leads to detention and Harry being all "ZOMG OW MY SCAR SHIT WTF ARE YOU WEIRD VOLDY-FLOATY-UNICORN-BLOOD-SUCKY-THINGY", and then the bookstore-diary scene which leads to "ZOMG VOLDYRIDDLE AREN'T YOU LIKE ALL PINKEYED-AND-NOT-YOUNG-AND-HOT AND BOY DO YOU HAVE A BIG SNAKE", and the CoS false-Heir thingy which results in "ZOMG HERMIONE'S A CATgirl" (and something else which I'm sure is important but I can't remember) and I won't go on.

I mean, really, I think you and everyone else in fandom just have a thing against him sometimes...

Firstly there's her commentary wherein Draco will never work with Harry

Well, where'd you get that from? Interview canon is about as stable as fanon, though. Ms R contradicts herself way too fucking much, especially when you go back to older stuff where she's like "James was chaser" and then WHY THE FUCK IS HE PLAYING WITH THE SNITCH FOR THEN, EH!?

Pfff, you need to embrace your Harry-hate. Let it out. Embrace your inner Riddle, cos he's hot and can speak Parseltongue AND HAS A BIG SNAKE.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Eheheh, my thing against Draco is well-documented by the historians... of myself. Er... yeah ^^; I am... very easily annoyed by him, I take incarnations of him way too personally, and I argue with him in my head. At least my Draco muse is as bitchy & pissed off at me as I am at him. Heh heh. Not that I'm sadistic or anything... I let him get what he wants eventually. Aren't I nice to him?? AWWW. *coughs*

I was seekersgold & Draco was seekersidethorn<3<3 Though more than half the RP wasn't on lj & might thus be lost forever-- well, at least to me, 'cause I don't keep logs. -.- But you could get a feel for my Harry from the lj easily enough, ahahah. That RP by itself probably explains much. Or maybe only to me.

You're right, he -is- there for plot development... I'm sorta reassured, actually-- like I said, I'm just worried & thusly don't take things for granted, is all. I wasn't saying I'm convinced one way or the other, rather than I want to be convinced by a fic. I think the 'exists to be beat up' isn't me having a thing against Draco-- that was me sympathizing and over-empathizing with Harry's pov too much at the same time, which doesn't dictate what actually happens to Draco, of course. To Harry, he exists to get beat up and to be a Shadow and so on. He has other, more mundane functions to the plot, naturally, yeah. So I wasn't really taking interview stuff as 'canon', I was using it to explain why I wasn't sure one way or the other-- there are several directions for Draco to go, and they do depend on both plot needs & Harry's development and other characters' appearance, which is hard to predict also.

Hee, chintzy. Well, I meant that in an 'omg, Draco's so hot!!1' way, of course :>

I can't hate Harry, man. I WUB Hawwy <3<3<3<3<3 (a little too much).

[notrafficlights.livejournal.com]

I think the 'exists to be beat up' isn't me having a thing against Draco-- that was me sympathizing and over-empathizing with Harry's pov too much at the same time

Heh, same difference. See, I can really get into the Harry-hate sometimes, quite easily. It just doesn't happen often enough in canon for me to express it a lot, is all.

I just realised what your icon says. *dies*

[cercaluna.livejournal.com]

This post makes me sad and happy both. ♥, you know!

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

You know-- you've been there since (my) beginning, and your writing is one of those I could never forget. Those July days of drowning in the soft darkness and being amazed you talked back to me(!) and man, your stories made my heart clench and want to write like that, made me want to write, moreso than probably any other writer I can think of.


*sigh* <3<3 And we're still here :D And we've gotten better, haven't we? I know you have. Just when there's nowhere further to fly, there's another sky, y'know? Somehow~:)

[cercaluna.livejournal.com]

Thank god I've gotten better, I might cry if I haven't. But still, no matter how flowery and out of character those old fics are, those were the days, weren't they! What you said, and every other day I had another fic idea, yes. I was so prolific it was crazy! And everything was buoyant and H/D and man, I miss those days. Maybe it is just because I am so out of fandom it's not even funny, but I really feel like things have dispersed.

I was trying to write The Sort Of IC H/D That Would Let Me Forgive Myself For Writing All Those Sappy Fics for the Big Bang Challenge, but I am certainly not going to get there now. I might try to finish before Book 6, though. I have a certain feeling that if I do this, I can leave this fandom behind. Although, yeah, probably not, because who can ever really?

*loveslovesloves*

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Heheh, I'm in the same boat as you! I definitely have the feeling that if I actually finish an H/D longfic I'm satisfied with, that would finally put my ficcish ghosts to rest & I can go on & write original fic to my heart's content (oh, how sweetly optimistic I am, hahah). The problem is I have like four longfics I feel attached to which are in various stages of completion and I always use the memory of the others to keep me from starting to work seriously on any of them-- well, besides the fact that I'm lazy & uninspired these days ^^;; But like, if I muster up the drive for one, I always go, but there's all this other stuff! Wah! And get overwhelmed again -.-

But yes, my plan is kind of to (either) get done before book 6 or let book 6 inspire me and finish my fics in some sort of mad summer rush of... madness ^^; Though I don't know if pure guilt is really the best basis for purging ghosts, or rather, inspiration ;) I don't think you did anyone-- fandom or yourself-- a disservice with your fics. They were beautiful, and unique, and you needed to write them so you did. Not that I'm trying to discourage you, because dude, I'm dying to know what you'd do with the set-up of 'harsh & honest', though in your own way you've always been both. Everyone has their own truth at the time, and the question is merely staying on top of it :> I used to write fics where Draco made wishes on white roses (or however that went) and Harry & Draco talked civilly on existential topics beneath trees at sunset... ahahah ^^;

Nah, we leave it, I just dunno if it can fully leave -us- :>
<3!