(oh baby, maybe someday...)

[reenka]

Is there such a thing as feeling too much nostalgia? And what is that state? What is 'too much'? Conversely, what is 'enough' nostalgia?
    To put this in context, I'm saying this 'cause I randomly found an mp3 recording of `She Says' by ivyblossom, and man, I have all sorts of associations with... well, back when Ivy was in the fandom and I was young and innocent still all aflutter about OOC H/D fics and every other day I had another fic idea and.... That's over now, I think; though I'm capable of feeling nostalgia for things which aren't really over... well, generally I don't. I don't think I ever get used to things I loved fading away; I mean, I'm pretty sure I'll love or at least really enjoy book 6, but it won't be OoTP, and it won't be the optimism & intense undiluted excitement of suddenly loving canon, and it won't be that feeling of huge unexplored vistas and suddenly connecting with Harry for the first time. It will be... a book I really enjoy.

I don't think I can even explain what some of those early fics meant to me-- it doesn't matter if they were OOC or over-flowery or even if they'd make me laugh now.... I have all these emotional resonances forever tied with those first few fics I'd read, which, let's face it, changed my whole life. It's almost scary to realize that I'll never forget `Origins' & LUW & IP & Harry Potter's groove as long as I live. I've gone through so much-- I think in a sense I've grown up as a writer with H/D; my vision of what I wanted to write about and how I saw these characters has changed so much-- so much. I didn't get any less idealistic, though perhaps I became more harsh & honest with time <3 It's been a journey I wouldn't trade for anything.

I can't guarrantee it's over yet-- but it's ending. If nothing else, book 6 will close a lot of fanfic avenues, even before book 7, I'm pretty sure. This is the final lap, whatever happens.

And... I'm happy that what remains in me is love, still. As bitter as I get sometimes, and as tired as I am, I still love them, and I do still love the fictional universe and the experience and community of fandom, and... there's so much love I've gathered, so much I can't even put into words. I can't believe how many fics I've written, finished and unfinished-- that's a really large body of work, right there, and it's large chunk of me, and I can't believe how many fics I've read, and that's a large chunk of me as well. I've also kept all the friends I've made (though I admit some I don't talk to as much these days), and that... that doesn't have to end at all.

Comments

[cercaluna.livejournal.com]

Thank god I've gotten better, I might cry if I haven't. But still, no matter how flowery and out of character those old fics are, those were the days, weren't they! What you said, and every other day I had another fic idea, yes. I was so prolific it was crazy! And everything was buoyant and H/D and man, I miss those days. Maybe it is just because I am so out of fandom it's not even funny, but I really feel like things have dispersed.

I was trying to write The Sort Of IC H/D That Would Let Me Forgive Myself For Writing All Those Sappy Fics for the Big Bang Challenge, but I am certainly not going to get there now. I might try to finish before Book 6, though. I have a certain feeling that if I do this, I can leave this fandom behind. Although, yeah, probably not, because who can ever really?

*loveslovesloves*

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Heheh, I'm in the same boat as you! I definitely have the feeling that if I actually finish an H/D longfic I'm satisfied with, that would finally put my ficcish ghosts to rest & I can go on & write original fic to my heart's content (oh, how sweetly optimistic I am, hahah). The problem is I have like four longfics I feel attached to which are in various stages of completion and I always use the memory of the others to keep me from starting to work seriously on any of them-- well, besides the fact that I'm lazy & uninspired these days ^^;; But like, if I muster up the drive for one, I always go, but there's all this other stuff! Wah! And get overwhelmed again -.-

But yes, my plan is kind of to (either) get done before book 6 or let book 6 inspire me and finish my fics in some sort of mad summer rush of... madness ^^; Though I don't know if pure guilt is really the best basis for purging ghosts, or rather, inspiration ;) I don't think you did anyone-- fandom or yourself-- a disservice with your fics. They were beautiful, and unique, and you needed to write them so you did. Not that I'm trying to discourage you, because dude, I'm dying to know what you'd do with the set-up of 'harsh & honest', though in your own way you've always been both. Everyone has their own truth at the time, and the question is merely staying on top of it :> I used to write fics where Draco made wishes on white roses (or however that went) and Harry & Draco talked civilly on existential topics beneath trees at sunset... ahahah ^^;

Nah, we leave it, I just dunno if it can fully leave -us- :>
<3!