~~wherein i sound semi-pompous about death and decide i'm so dorky i don't care. except i do.

so i have this continuous sense that if i open my mouth in say, class, i inevitably sound like a complete dork. i think they all stare at me thinking, "she's on crack, isn't she," and it's not like they're -wrong-, except it's not a little white powder but rather it comes as largish white paper. or something. who knows.

do i need a reason? no, not really.

i'm only 20% through with my recs page, and it's already really really long. by the end i'll have a database of like, all h/d stories, at least, that i consider worth reading twice. ahahah. so if a fic isn't on there, it means obviously i'm not the target readership, which is fine, because when -am- i the target readership?

i haven't feedbacked/read a frightening backlog of stories, and i prostrate myself and humbly declare that it's merely that my time-management skills are somewhere between atrocious and so bad it scares even my mother. meaning, if you're on my friends list, i consider it a priority to read your fic because it is a drug, and i need my fix, but in the end, i'm just very easily distracted (but i will get to it, oh yes i will-- i will threaten myself if necessary, heheh). in fact, there's a weasley rant i wrote -three days ago- (or maybe four!) that i -still- haven't posted, and i'm procrastinating this very second on that and the like, five stories i should be writing (and am late for). and then there is like, ahahahah. homework. (homework??! what is -that-??)

anyway. what i decide to read immediately vs what i decide to read later largely depends on how shocking it is (ie, i'd probably read ip15 immediately, but who could blame me), and also if it's something i'm really looking forward to, i'll put it off more than something i'm -not- all that excited about because i'd enjoy it more when it's all relaxed and with a clear conscience. my own excuses and rationales confuse me.

so i don't know why i read weatherby's h/r fic, `contrition', immediately, except that she like, -very- rarely writes, plus i was expecting something fluffier than what i got (there is -always- room for fluff. always. unless it's bad fluff, in which case it fills you up quickly and then comes the nausea).

anyway. all of this was a really roundabout way to rec `contrition' with all my heart, soul, and toes. and probably fingers. as well as eyelashes, teeth and kneecaps. yes. very -very- good. understatement. not my otp and i don't care. -that- good. i was kind of in that place where i wonder why i bother writing (oh yes, i can't help myself), because obviously there are people a zillion times better at it than me ><

( and this is sort of me reccing but really just rambling on about what i consider realistic and emotionally `true' when it comes to portrayals of severe grief and the trauma associated with death of someone that matters. )

~~ginny, dorks, ginny, ginny, ginny. ginny is a dork ^^ draco is a dork. mmm, dork-love.

if you want to spoil me horribly to the point where i will adore you forever (or whatever passes), write really dorky boycrushing fic. does it every time. i wonder if i'm easy, or immature, or what. but people acting like total, utter, desperate dorks is just the most brilliant thing. come to think of it, this is making me think strangely of ron. because what bigger dork is there? hmmm. must ponder this. but more to the point, deche has a bit of one, and quire posted some today, too. they are just... well. they hit the spot, let us just say.

    and see, it's not that i need the boy-crushing to be -happy-. it's perfectly fine being unrequited and messed up and completely insane, even. most people write angsty angst, but see, when i was 15, my angst was extremely dorky. i was like pippi longstocking, except really not popular. i was like brian, from `my so-called life', except not as social. i was like, that dork that sips the chocolate milk at the farthest corner of the lunch table.
    and it's not to say that teen angst is inconsequential or funny somehow. actually, i think all angst is funny. it's hilarious. there's this whole range of humor that is all about how fucked up life is, and how stupid we are, and how ridiculous our expectations of ourselves and others are, and just how nothing ever goes our way because 99.9% of humanity is made up of complete losers.

er. not to say they're not lovable, beautiful, "special" losers (ehehhehe). but. black humor is my bag, baby. i was actually wondering where to classify `contrition' under my recs. humor or drama? i mean, it's kind of black (really black) humor, but i think most people clicking on it intending to giggle and laugh, wouldn't get what they asked for. so it went under drama.

anyway. i love stories that make me think, and shiver, and feel, yes. but i have a special, really really huge soft spot for stories that make me laugh at myself and at humanity and at our shared inane dorkiness. sometimes i think this is why i like ginny. sort of because i think she's this really huge dork.
~~

revelation: looking for the second or third time at aspen's ginny shrine, i realized something. it snuck up on me, it did. i don't know HOW this happened. it's mind-boggling and vaguely disturbing. or not. anyway.
    let's just say it. let's just.
   I LOVE GINNY WEASLEY TOO!!

*mad laughter*
i still don't love ron. i'm beginning to like ron, but love? it ain't never gonna be love, bebeh. but ok. i think i love ginny more than hermione. secretly, i'm more like ginny than hermione, ahahahah. are y'all surprised?? 'tis true. i have thus far disliked ginny for two reasons: a) people who want to make her into cinderella either with harry because he's The Hero she wants, or with draco because they think... well, what aja said-- though then there are the people who want to pair her with tom/bill/percy/ron/etc. (but let's not go into that); and b) people who make her into their little personal avatar.

( ginny is an interesting reflection, i think... )

~~
( and then somehow this ties in with my semi-rant on fanon!ron. )

~~
in other news, the best h/d quote ever (ehehehe!):
    I mean, if your plan was to seduce me and get me to turn to the Dark Side, then it's failed. I won't ever do that. But I'll turn to the Dark Side of your ass if it'll get me laid like this all the time.
hee! hee! oh, the things one finds trolling the net for lost links ^^;

thamiris inspires me like nobody's business. sometimes i think i live for this, for this breath of renewal and inspiration, my writing just needs it. something to remind me to stop it with the -fear- and the second-guessing and the self-consciousness and just write fiction as full-on and smeared and whorish and bursting with nouns and similes and adjectives as life itself. *sigh*
~~
and oooooh, just kill me. now. *siiiiigh*
    ( EDIT - and, a note about buffy )