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reenkaso i have this continuous sense that if i open my mouth in say, class, i inevitably sound like a complete dork. i think they all stare at me thinking, "she's on crack, isn't she," and it's not like they're -wrong-, except it's not a little white powder but rather it comes as largish white paper. or something. who knows.
do i need a reason? no, not really.
i'm only 20% through with my recs page, and it's already really really long. by the end i'll have a database of like, all h/d stories, at least, that i consider worth reading twice. ahahah. so if a fic isn't on there, it means obviously i'm not the target readership, which is fine, because when -am- i the target readership?
i haven't feedbacked/read a frightening backlog of stories, and i prostrate myself and humbly declare that it's merely that my time-management skills are somewhere between atrocious and so bad it scares even my mother. meaning, if you're on my friends list, i consider it a priority to read your fic because it is a drug, and i need my fix, but in the end, i'm just very easily distracted (but i will get to it, oh yes i will-- i will threaten myself if necessary, heheh). in fact, there's a weasley rant i wrote -three days ago- (or maybe four!) that i -still- haven't posted, and i'm procrastinating this very second on that and the like, five stories i should be writing (and am late for). and then there is like, ahahahah. homework. (homework??! what is -that-??)
anyway. what i decide to read immediately vs what i decide to read later largely depends on how shocking it is (ie, i'd probably read ip15 immediately, but who could blame me), and also if it's something i'm really looking forward to, i'll put it off more than something i'm -not- all that excited about because i'd enjoy it more when it's all relaxed and with a clear conscience. my own excuses and rationales confuse me.
so i don't know why i read![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
weatherby's h/r fic, `contrition', immediately, except that she like, -very- rarely writes, plus i was expecting something fluffier than what i got (there is -always- room for fluff. always. unless it's bad fluff, in which case it fills you up quickly and then comes the nausea).
anyway. all of this was a really roundabout way to rec `contrition' with all my heart, soul, and toes. and probably fingers. as well as eyelashes, teeth and kneecaps. yes. very -very- good. understatement. not my otp and i don't care. -that- good. i was kind of in that place where i wonder why i bother writing (oh yes, i can't help myself), because obviously there are people a zillion times better at it than me ><
harry's grieving is almost -never- dealt with realistically. the only other writers who've done it that i can think of off the top of my head are really aja and cassie claire (in the last few chapters of dv & `a season in hell' & its sequel, though that was a different sort of emotion entirely, almost), and possibly zahra. penelope and penguin, in different ways, maybe ivy, when it comes to the various severe traumas within relationships, and also amalin & olympia, though in both cases it didn't hit home as reality. another great example is `unpinning a butterfly', which is absolutely brilliant in this regard. it's always so demonstrative and blatant and i, being the furthest thing from demonstrative or blatant (and i don't think harry is either), can never really identify or connect with that.
my favorite thing about writing is when its power comes from an efficiency of words and images, from a concentrated dose of emotion & reality & wish. when the pain permeates -everything-, it's very hard to write about it and not get bogged down in melodrama and theatrics and cliche, and i find the way aja and cassie clair and miss breed did it that i admire so is through the detachment of narrative voice with the notable exception of `every second' which was really more of a punch to the stomach than a fic.
i say it's hard to write about grief, and guilt, and shock because i just don't see it very much. the best examples in literature in general though, do have this unemotionality, this detachment, this lack of sentimentality. the novels about the holocaust, the accounts by war survivors, the people who've been through others' suicide and death in general-- their stories seem to hold the most power when they let them tell themselves. people do act pretty differently under the influence of intense depression and grief, and it's not enough to simply describe the extent of their angst. i find an outside description of the -effects- of this degenerative descent into darkness is often much more effective. maybe it's because i myself went through the stages in `contrition'. maybe it's because i know what it's like down to the dirt and the zoning out and the complete break down of normal relationships-- not so much pushing away, which happens often in fic, but rather leaving without even moving.
i say i hate deathfic, and it's true, i don't find most suicidal angst and the accompanying grief satisfying, because it always rings hollow. there's a certain dynamic, a certain bleakness and numbness that sets in after you really believe someone's truly dead. i think the thing a lot of stories miss in their descriptions of tears and suicidal tendencies and angsty inner monologues, is just-- when someone you care about dies, you really feel like -you're- dead, too. i mean, you may be suicidal, but in a way you're already dead. you're like the walking dead, a ghost, really. and yet you act in a way you think is fine, and you don't even realize you've totally lost yourself. denial is a very real stage of it, and pretty early in the game, so you'd think it'd be more dealt with.
i'm not saying everyone grieves the same way, not at all. i'm only saying to me, it feels more real when it's less conscious, and more like a complete autonomous full body/mind break-down. it's like you go a little insane. or a lot insane, depending. this isn't angst, exactly. this goes beyond angst. this is like-- complete and total mental trauma. it's not even pain because by then you don't even remember what it felt like to hurt anymore because it hurts -everywhere-, continuously. and it's only by shutting off higher processing that you can even deal with living, a lot of times. some people drink, others just get this mask, yet others simply step away from the world of the living and let themselves go-- don't cut their hair, don't wash, don't eat, don't sleep, don't smile. nothing matters when the world had just dropped out from under you.
and in `contrition' i found it so realistic that it's not necessarily that the sex drive shuts down. in fact, the body may refuse to obey you and get even more of a mind of its own than usual. you could become more wild, more uninhibited, completely uncaring of consequences to your relationships. or you could try, and fail. ron's inability to come seems totally realistic, sort of parallel to harry's inability to -feel-. it's like when your foot goes numb, so numb you don't have any sensation left whatsoever. you could step on it and fall down, because you just can't -use- it anymore, even though it's there. you just don't care -what- happens to it.
anyway. it's just my opinion that `contrition' is the most realistic handling of this sort of situation since `unpinning a butterfly', but regardless, it's a beautiful fic that doesn't need you to agree with that in order to think so.
do i need a reason? no, not really.
i'm only 20% through with my recs page, and it's already really really long. by the end i'll have a database of like, all h/d stories, at least, that i consider worth reading twice. ahahah. so if a fic isn't on there, it means obviously i'm not the target readership, which is fine, because when -am- i the target readership?
i haven't feedbacked/read a frightening backlog of stories, and i prostrate myself and humbly declare that it's merely that my time-management skills are somewhere between atrocious and so bad it scares even my mother. meaning, if you're on my friends list, i consider it a priority to read your fic because it is a drug, and i need my fix, but in the end, i'm just very easily distracted (but i will get to it, oh yes i will-- i will threaten myself if necessary, heheh). in fact, there's a weasley rant i wrote -three days ago- (or maybe four!) that i -still- haven't posted, and i'm procrastinating this very second on that and the like, five stories i should be writing (and am late for). and then there is like, ahahahah. homework. (homework??! what is -that-??)
anyway. what i decide to read immediately vs what i decide to read later largely depends on how shocking it is (ie, i'd probably read ip15 immediately, but who could blame me), and also if it's something i'm really looking forward to, i'll put it off more than something i'm -not- all that excited about because i'd enjoy it more when it's all relaxed and with a clear conscience. my own excuses and rationales confuse me.
so i don't know why i read
weatherby's h/r fic, `contrition', immediately, except that she like, -very- rarely writes, plus i was expecting something fluffier than what i got (there is -always- room for fluff. always. unless it's bad fluff, in which case it fills you up quickly and then comes the nausea).anyway. all of this was a really roundabout way to rec `contrition' with all my heart, soul, and toes. and probably fingers. as well as eyelashes, teeth and kneecaps. yes. very -very- good. understatement. not my otp and i don't care. -that- good. i was kind of in that place where i wonder why i bother writing (oh yes, i can't help myself), because obviously there are people a zillion times better at it than me ><
harry's grieving is almost -never- dealt with realistically. the only other writers who've done it that i can think of off the top of my head are really aja and cassie claire (in the last few chapters of dv & `a season in hell' & its sequel, though that was a different sort of emotion entirely, almost), and possibly zahra. penelope and penguin, in different ways, maybe ivy, when it comes to the various severe traumas within relationships, and also amalin & olympia, though in both cases it didn't hit home as reality. another great example is `unpinning a butterfly', which is absolutely brilliant in this regard. it's always so demonstrative and blatant and i, being the furthest thing from demonstrative or blatant (and i don't think harry is either), can never really identify or connect with that.
my favorite thing about writing is when its power comes from an efficiency of words and images, from a concentrated dose of emotion & reality & wish. when the pain permeates -everything-, it's very hard to write about it and not get bogged down in melodrama and theatrics and cliche, and i find the way aja and cassie clair and miss breed did it that i admire so is through the detachment of narrative voice with the notable exception of `every second' which was really more of a punch to the stomach than a fic.
i say it's hard to write about grief, and guilt, and shock because i just don't see it very much. the best examples in literature in general though, do have this unemotionality, this detachment, this lack of sentimentality. the novels about the holocaust, the accounts by war survivors, the people who've been through others' suicide and death in general-- their stories seem to hold the most power when they let them tell themselves. people do act pretty differently under the influence of intense depression and grief, and it's not enough to simply describe the extent of their angst. i find an outside description of the -effects- of this degenerative descent into darkness is often much more effective. maybe it's because i myself went through the stages in `contrition'. maybe it's because i know what it's like down to the dirt and the zoning out and the complete break down of normal relationships-- not so much pushing away, which happens often in fic, but rather leaving without even moving.
i say i hate deathfic, and it's true, i don't find most suicidal angst and the accompanying grief satisfying, because it always rings hollow. there's a certain dynamic, a certain bleakness and numbness that sets in after you really believe someone's truly dead. i think the thing a lot of stories miss in their descriptions of tears and suicidal tendencies and angsty inner monologues, is just-- when someone you care about dies, you really feel like -you're- dead, too. i mean, you may be suicidal, but in a way you're already dead. you're like the walking dead, a ghost, really. and yet you act in a way you think is fine, and you don't even realize you've totally lost yourself. denial is a very real stage of it, and pretty early in the game, so you'd think it'd be more dealt with.
i'm not saying everyone grieves the same way, not at all. i'm only saying to me, it feels more real when it's less conscious, and more like a complete autonomous full body/mind break-down. it's like you go a little insane. or a lot insane, depending. this isn't angst, exactly. this goes beyond angst. this is like-- complete and total mental trauma. it's not even pain because by then you don't even remember what it felt like to hurt anymore because it hurts -everywhere-, continuously. and it's only by shutting off higher processing that you can even deal with living, a lot of times. some people drink, others just get this mask, yet others simply step away from the world of the living and let themselves go-- don't cut their hair, don't wash, don't eat, don't sleep, don't smile. nothing matters when the world had just dropped out from under you.
and in `contrition' i found it so realistic that it's not necessarily that the sex drive shuts down. in fact, the body may refuse to obey you and get even more of a mind of its own than usual. you could become more wild, more uninhibited, completely uncaring of consequences to your relationships. or you could try, and fail. ron's inability to come seems totally realistic, sort of parallel to harry's inability to -feel-. it's like when your foot goes numb, so numb you don't have any sensation left whatsoever. you could step on it and fall down, because you just can't -use- it anymore, even though it's there. you just don't care -what- happens to it.
anyway. it's just my opinion that `contrition' is the most realistic handling of this sort of situation since `unpinning a butterfly', but regardless, it's a beautiful fic that doesn't need you to agree with that in order to think so.
