(no subject)

[reenka]

Especially since I decided moth/flame was my OTP on Aja's journal yesterday, I'm now all wibbly 'cause of the Libertines. Ahahaha. Because it's like... *sigh* they seem to love each other so much and it's not enough. And that makes me all... unhappy with the world. I always thought (when I was 12 and listening to pop songs on the radio, anyway-- well, since then) that love not being enough was the Worst Thing Ever. And... maybe it's more passion than love, or more love/hate than love, or more... something else than love, I don't know. I used to ask myself 'is this love' a lot, but then I just gave up, I think.

I was just reading this interview with Carl and he said it was all 'water under the bridge' now, and I was like, WAIL. (You know, it's funny, because the part where he says 'we are all normal'-- meaning not gay-- doesn't bother me at all. I'm odd, man.)


It's like, this is why I escape to fiction, but I don't want to believe this is 'real life'. I wish there were examples of lasting passion to latch on to everywhere, and I just don't want to know why there aren't.

I don't know if it's possible. Is it possible to feel things intensely for another person-- so intensely you think you could crumble-- and have it last? Is it possible to stay friends with someone who makes you hurt to look at them, and have it get better, and still care even if they're being an utter and complete asshole and it just doesn't feel good anymore, but you care anyway because you can't stop? What if you can't stop?? How can one stop if it's really... there? Where does it go? Or does one just get tired and achey and it just doesn't matter anymore what one feels, because it's just too hard?

Is it always going to go up in smoke or find another outlet, or...? *sigh*

And then I realized... that's what H/D is to me. It's Carl & Pete and it's every stupid impossible bad relationship, and it's everything your mother tells you is bad for you, and it's everything that will never work, and that's why I want it to, but I'm just fooling myself, I know I am.

That's why it's hard to write H/D, now. It's always been about pushing that button in me-- and it's a sore place, and it hurts, it always hurts; maybe because I've felt it, because I feel like I've been there. It still seems like... it's impossible to go on, really, and believe it's impossible-- that intense pain and joy and everything is naturally going to dampen itself and dissolve into the mundane, because we are weak. We are only human. We can only feel so much, and then we stop.

It's not so much about love/hate relationships, it's about how one comes to feel like one hates love, and yet there's no escape from it. It attaches itself like a burr-- that's what I want and what I dread. I just don't want it to ever become water under the bridge. Years later, I want their reactions to each other to remain uncontrollable, their instincts to remain centered around the need to touch, even among the dust and bruises and pain. Ahhh, I don't even feel like the hug scene in PoA is slashy, but it fits-- I just want them to need to touch, no matter what. No matter how tired or disillusioned or exhausted with grief they become. I want them to always be each other's, come hell or high water or life, I suppose, because life is always much more cruel than death.
~~

See, the answer to all of this is-- it doesn't matter. Obsessing with all this is my crack. Maybe I'm just pushing myself to see how much angst I can take before I give and start writing My Little Pony slash. You know it's gonna happen!!
...Okay I'm better now -.-

Comments

[djinniyah.livejournal.com]

::hugs you and twirls::

While it wasn't romantic love, I knew a girl once. I only knew her for seven weeks or so, but we became so close, such good friends because we thought and lived on the same wavelength. I was all detached and cold and young; she was all passion and insanity and young, too. And she drove me, after a while, absolutely mad. Her depressions, her fits - but she's the one of the few people now that I'd drop everything to go see, in an instant. We fit like nothing I've experienced since. And I do think a lot of it was youth and the euphoria of college-way-too-early-together and my art and poetry and her writing (god, she's brilliant) and I think I might feel absolutely nothing if I ever met her as she is now, 3 years later... but still.

It's the same sort of thing. I couldn't stand her at times and yet she'd still come to me and tell me secrets and I'd always, always listen, and I've never found anyone since that I've been so close to. I didn't love her then - I don't know if I do now. But - it's something. A strange, nostalgic, sad something.

Sigh. I don't know. Yeah. /end weird ramble

::hug::

[malafede.livejournal.com]

I hope Pete never goes back.

[bookshop.livejournal.com]

I have deliberately not been paying attention to the Libertines and so I consequently have no idea what you're talking about, haha. I assume Carl and Pete are the two boys who are always photographed being all sweaty and all over each other? Did they break up or something? Tough luck. (I'm not a fan, so. Eh.)

But. Short answer to this:

It's not so much about love/hate relationships, it's about how one comes to feel like one hates love, and yet there's no escape from it. It attaches itself like a burr-- that's what I want and what I dread. I just don't want it to ever become water under the bridge. Years later, I want their reactions to each other to remain uncontrollable, their instincts to remain centered around the need to touch, even among the dust and bruises and pain.

This is why I believe truly that love isn't something you only feel, it's something you do; that's why to me love is an act of will--you have to both will yourself to love someone else and believe in that love at once. Without that all that you may initially feel for them is really just smoke without fire. But if you constantly stoke the fire... you know? Love is action, and there are more ways to love someone than just through passionate emotional outbursts. Harry and Draco need to learn that just as much as the rest of us do. It doesn't mean they won't always have passion, because passion is in their nature, in the nature of both of them. My point is that you can't always expect love to look, feel, sound, act a certain way. That would get boring. When you have love backed by a strong will to love, however, then you have a love that can change forms and shape and still be real, valid, interesting.

Did that make any sense?

[stellabelle.livejournal.com]

I love Libertines, man. GET OFF THE CRACK PETE! Because...it makes me sad. Um. I just think they're so talented *sigh* But Pete was very troubled & he needed help so so badly and I think, finally, Carl just had to say 'fuck it'. Y'know? Cause...well, it's like:

Is it possible to stay friends with someone who makes you hurt to look at them, and have it get better, and still care even if they're being an utter and complete asshole and it just doesn't feel good anymore, but you care anyway because you can't stop?
I know what that's like. And IT SUCKS. And you were asking 'what if you can't stop?' and I think...well, depending on the context, of course, but I think you have to stop, cause something like that can consume you. I mean, at the very least, you have to take a good step back, because it can be so difficult to see where you are in a situation like that, y'know? And it's something you don't even realize until you've distanced yourself from it and analyzed it. I'm, like, applying my life experiences without giving you any context whatsoever & so I don't know if I'm making sense. Do I ever make sense, lol? It's a question for the ages! Anyway.

And...about the love part, well, I'm not really going to talk about that, because I'm pretty much a cynic. Well, at least today, haha, cause I am also fickle. Right.