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Nov. 21st, 2004 11:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reenkaEspecially since I decided moth/flame was my OTP on Aja's journal yesterday, I'm now all wibbly 'cause of the Libertines. Ahahaha. Because it's like... *sigh* they seem to love each other so much and it's not enough. And that makes me all... unhappy with the world. I always thought (when I was 12 and listening to pop songs on the radio, anyway-- well, since then) that love not being enough was the Worst Thing Ever. And... maybe it's more passion than love, or more love/hate than love, or more... something else than love, I don't know. I used to ask myself 'is this love' a lot, but then I just gave up, I think.
I was just reading this interview with Carl and he said it was all 'water under the bridge' now, and I was like, WAIL. (You know, it's funny, because the part where he says 'we are all normal'-- meaning not gay-- doesn't bother me at all. I'm odd, man.)
It's like, this is why I escape to fiction, but I don't want to believe this is 'real life'. I wish there were examples of lasting passion to latch on to everywhere, and I just don't want to know why there aren't.
I don't know if it's possible. Is it possible to feel things intensely for another person-- so intensely you think you could crumble-- and have it last? Is it possible to stay friends with someone who makes you hurt to look at them, and have it get better, and still care even if they're being an utter and complete asshole and it just doesn't feel good anymore, but you care anyway because you can't stop? What if you can't stop?? How can one stop if it's really... there? Where does it go? Or does one just get tired and achey and it just doesn't matter anymore what one feels, because it's just too hard?
Is it always going to go up in smoke or find another outlet, or...? *sigh*
And then I realized... that's what H/D is to me. It's Carl & Pete and it's every stupid impossible bad relationship, and it's everything your mother tells you is bad for you, and it's everything that will never work, and that's why I want it to, but I'm just fooling myself, I know I am.
That's why it's hard to write H/D, now. It's always been about pushing that button in me-- and it's a sore place, and it hurts, it always hurts; maybe because I've felt it, because I feel like I've been there. It still seems like... it's impossible to go on, really, and believe it's impossible-- that intense pain and joy and everything is naturally going to dampen itself and dissolve into the mundane, because we are weak. We are only human. We can only feel so much, and then we stop.
It's not so much about love/hate relationships, it's about how one comes to feel like one hates love, and yet there's no escape from it. It attaches itself like a burr-- that's what I want and what I dread. I just don't want it to ever become water under the bridge. Years later, I want their reactions to each other to remain uncontrollable, their instincts to remain centered around the need to touch, even among the dust and bruises and pain. Ahhh, I don't even feel like the hug scene in PoA is slashy, but it fits-- I just want them to need to touch, no matter what. No matter how tired or disillusioned or exhausted with grief they become. I want them to always be each other's, come hell or high water or life, I suppose, because life is always much more cruel than death.
~~
See, the answer to all of this is-- it doesn't matter. Obsessing with all this is my crack. Maybe I'm just pushing myself to see how much angst I can take before I give and start writing My Little Pony slash. You know it's gonna happen!!
...Okay I'm better now -.-
I was just reading this interview with Carl and he said it was all 'water under the bridge' now, and I was like, WAIL. (You know, it's funny, because the part where he says 'we are all normal'-- meaning not gay-- doesn't bother me at all. I'm odd, man.)
It's like, this is why I escape to fiction, but I don't want to believe this is 'real life'. I wish there were examples of lasting passion to latch on to everywhere, and I just don't want to know why there aren't.
I don't know if it's possible. Is it possible to feel things intensely for another person-- so intensely you think you could crumble-- and have it last? Is it possible to stay friends with someone who makes you hurt to look at them, and have it get better, and still care even if they're being an utter and complete asshole and it just doesn't feel good anymore, but you care anyway because you can't stop? What if you can't stop?? How can one stop if it's really... there? Where does it go? Or does one just get tired and achey and it just doesn't matter anymore what one feels, because it's just too hard?
Is it always going to go up in smoke or find another outlet, or...? *sigh*
And then I realized... that's what H/D is to me. It's Carl & Pete and it's every stupid impossible bad relationship, and it's everything your mother tells you is bad for you, and it's everything that will never work, and that's why I want it to, but I'm just fooling myself, I know I am.
That's why it's hard to write H/D, now. It's always been about pushing that button in me-- and it's a sore place, and it hurts, it always hurts; maybe because I've felt it, because I feel like I've been there. It still seems like... it's impossible to go on, really, and believe it's impossible-- that intense pain and joy and everything is naturally going to dampen itself and dissolve into the mundane, because we are weak. We are only human. We can only feel so much, and then we stop.
It's not so much about love/hate relationships, it's about how one comes to feel like one hates love, and yet there's no escape from it. It attaches itself like a burr-- that's what I want and what I dread. I just don't want it to ever become water under the bridge. Years later, I want their reactions to each other to remain uncontrollable, their instincts to remain centered around the need to touch, even among the dust and bruises and pain. Ahhh, I don't even feel like the hug scene in PoA is slashy, but it fits-- I just want them to need to touch, no matter what. No matter how tired or disillusioned or exhausted with grief they become. I want them to always be each other's, come hell or high water or life, I suppose, because life is always much more cruel than death.
~~
See, the answer to all of this is-- it doesn't matter. Obsessing with all this is my crack. Maybe I'm just pushing myself to see how much angst I can take before I give and start writing My Little Pony slash. You know it's gonna happen!!
...Okay I'm better now -.-
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no subject
Date: 2004-11-22 08:39 pm (UTC)What defines them?
See, this is where I hit a rut, I think. Harry challenges Draco & Draco is always trying to best Harry & yes all that is true but. That's what drives them separately...what would drive them together? I don't know. Owww my brain hurts from all the thinking. ;)
no subject
Date: 2004-11-22 08:47 pm (UTC)What a cop-out answer, eh :>
I think the most interesting story about drives Harry & Draco together would be The Tale of the Shining Prince (http://seacouver.slashcity.net/illuferret/index.html#hp) & its sequels :> At some points, when canon & your own imagination fails you, what you need is fanon. :>
no subject
Date: 2004-11-22 08:55 pm (UTC)And obviously the answer is also that I spend too much time analyzing stuff, haha. And you are supposed to be on an H/D sabbatical, so I feel bad for dragging you into it. :)
no subject
Date: 2004-11-22 09:00 pm (UTC)It's like... mandatory homework-type stuff ;))
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Date: 2004-11-22 09:11 pm (UTC)It's like...I say I think too much about all this kind of stuff, but reading these fics is what makes me think about it. And honestly, when it comes down to it, I think that's great, cause the more I get into it, the more I want to think about it. Which is why, really, it's surprising to me that I didn't know about the existence of this stuff until recently (I was such a dork, and it was sad, y'know, lol.)
no subject
Date: 2004-11-23 01:46 am (UTC)You're right, though-- the fanfic is really what started me on my H/D obsession, so definitely, it made me think more-- I guess I went through that stage & came out the other side :>