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Nov. 21st, 2004 11:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
reenkaEspecially since I decided moth/flame was my OTP on Aja's journal yesterday, I'm now all wibbly 'cause of the Libertines. Ahahaha. Because it's like... *sigh* they seem to love each other so much and it's not enough. And that makes me all... unhappy with the world. I always thought (when I was 12 and listening to pop songs on the radio, anyway-- well, since then) that love not being enough was the Worst Thing Ever. And... maybe it's more passion than love, or more love/hate than love, or more... something else than love, I don't know. I used to ask myself 'is this love' a lot, but then I just gave up, I think.
I was just reading this interview with Carl and he said it was all 'water under the bridge' now, and I was like, WAIL. (You know, it's funny, because the part where he says 'we are all normal'-- meaning not gay-- doesn't bother me at all. I'm odd, man.)
It's like, this is why I escape to fiction, but I don't want to believe this is 'real life'. I wish there were examples of lasting passion to latch on to everywhere, and I just don't want to know why there aren't.
I don't know if it's possible. Is it possible to feel things intensely for another person-- so intensely you think you could crumble-- and have it last? Is it possible to stay friends with someone who makes you hurt to look at them, and have it get better, and still care even if they're being an utter and complete asshole and it just doesn't feel good anymore, but you care anyway because you can't stop? What if you can't stop?? How can one stop if it's really... there? Where does it go? Or does one just get tired and achey and it just doesn't matter anymore what one feels, because it's just too hard?
Is it always going to go up in smoke or find another outlet, or...? *sigh*
And then I realized... that's what H/D is to me. It's Carl & Pete and it's every stupid impossible bad relationship, and it's everything your mother tells you is bad for you, and it's everything that will never work, and that's why I want it to, but I'm just fooling myself, I know I am.
That's why it's hard to write H/D, now. It's always been about pushing that button in me-- and it's a sore place, and it hurts, it always hurts; maybe because I've felt it, because I feel like I've been there. It still seems like... it's impossible to go on, really, and believe it's impossible-- that intense pain and joy and everything is naturally going to dampen itself and dissolve into the mundane, because we are weak. We are only human. We can only feel so much, and then we stop.
It's not so much about love/hate relationships, it's about how one comes to feel like one hates love, and yet there's no escape from it. It attaches itself like a burr-- that's what I want and what I dread. I just don't want it to ever become water under the bridge. Years later, I want their reactions to each other to remain uncontrollable, their instincts to remain centered around the need to touch, even among the dust and bruises and pain. Ahhh, I don't even feel like the hug scene in PoA is slashy, but it fits-- I just want them to need to touch, no matter what. No matter how tired or disillusioned or exhausted with grief they become. I want them to always be each other's, come hell or high water or life, I suppose, because life is always much more cruel than death.
~~
See, the answer to all of this is-- it doesn't matter. Obsessing with all this is my crack. Maybe I'm just pushing myself to see how much angst I can take before I give and start writing My Little Pony slash. You know it's gonna happen!!
...Okay I'm better now -.-
I was just reading this interview with Carl and he said it was all 'water under the bridge' now, and I was like, WAIL. (You know, it's funny, because the part where he says 'we are all normal'-- meaning not gay-- doesn't bother me at all. I'm odd, man.)
It's like, this is why I escape to fiction, but I don't want to believe this is 'real life'. I wish there were examples of lasting passion to latch on to everywhere, and I just don't want to know why there aren't.
I don't know if it's possible. Is it possible to feel things intensely for another person-- so intensely you think you could crumble-- and have it last? Is it possible to stay friends with someone who makes you hurt to look at them, and have it get better, and still care even if they're being an utter and complete asshole and it just doesn't feel good anymore, but you care anyway because you can't stop? What if you can't stop?? How can one stop if it's really... there? Where does it go? Or does one just get tired and achey and it just doesn't matter anymore what one feels, because it's just too hard?
Is it always going to go up in smoke or find another outlet, or...? *sigh*
And then I realized... that's what H/D is to me. It's Carl & Pete and it's every stupid impossible bad relationship, and it's everything your mother tells you is bad for you, and it's everything that will never work, and that's why I want it to, but I'm just fooling myself, I know I am.
That's why it's hard to write H/D, now. It's always been about pushing that button in me-- and it's a sore place, and it hurts, it always hurts; maybe because I've felt it, because I feel like I've been there. It still seems like... it's impossible to go on, really, and believe it's impossible-- that intense pain and joy and everything is naturally going to dampen itself and dissolve into the mundane, because we are weak. We are only human. We can only feel so much, and then we stop.
It's not so much about love/hate relationships, it's about how one comes to feel like one hates love, and yet there's no escape from it. It attaches itself like a burr-- that's what I want and what I dread. I just don't want it to ever become water under the bridge. Years later, I want their reactions to each other to remain uncontrollable, their instincts to remain centered around the need to touch, even among the dust and bruises and pain. Ahhh, I don't even feel like the hug scene in PoA is slashy, but it fits-- I just want them to need to touch, no matter what. No matter how tired or disillusioned or exhausted with grief they become. I want them to always be each other's, come hell or high water or life, I suppose, because life is always much more cruel than death.
~~
See, the answer to all of this is-- it doesn't matter. Obsessing with all this is my crack. Maybe I'm just pushing myself to see how much angst I can take before I give and start writing My Little Pony slash. You know it's gonna happen!!
...Okay I'm better now -.-
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Date: 2004-11-21 11:46 pm (UTC)Also, I know exactly what you mean about the will to love, but I forget it 'cause I always get carried away by... er... the idea of being carried away and how carried away -I- always feel. Like... I rarely associate emotions with decisiveness or decisions, I guess, 'cause I've always had such a hard time controlling myself once I got going, y'know? But I think it's not about control-type will, but merely a question of pushing forward, of staying and working at it. I mean, people say it and it sounds like a chore or a pain, but it could be the greatest act of love, possibly-- that work.
...And you say you're not a spiritual leader~:))!! <3
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Date: 2004-11-22 12:02 am (UTC)But I think it's not about control-type will, but merely a question of pushing forward, of staying and working at it. I mean, people say it and it sounds like a chore or a pain, but it could be the greatest act of love, possibly-- that work.
Well, I think you and I both do that, though, for the fandom. At least I do. When I feel absolutely no love whatsoever for the fandom or for my pairing, I lie low and work on concentrating on areas here that I do have interest in, and I build up that interest gradually. I can't leave, though I might someday, because my community is here and I love the people here, and I also love the pairing, even whe I don't feel the love. You do that too--even when you're griping about H/D and not wanting to write it, you're doing that out of love and we all know that. You stay and you work at it too, because you recognize that your love for the pairing and the aspects of it that you're drawn too hasn't changed, even though your emotional investment in it might have. I think that's a perfect reflection of the way relationships can work. Not always, but often.
And yeah, I do think that is the greatest act of love. Really, if I had my fic finished all this would be explained in there somewhere, haha, because all that I just said is behind everything that happens or will happen in LUW.
Oh, and this--because passion is in their nature, in the nature of both of them. -- hahaha, WHAT A CLUMSY PHRASE. I meant to say that it's in their nature both as individuals and as a dynamic. They can't stop being passionate, and they don't want to.
There should be some place to carry this discussion from there, but I am too tired to know where. Eh. Your turn.
and Pbbt! to that last part. I have a feeling Ghandi never toppled British India by saying "You must be the change you want to see in the world! That is why I write gay porn!"
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Date: 2004-11-22 03:42 am (UTC)That's what I always thought was possible-- that passionate people could be lastingly passionate together. But I don't see it in the so-called 'real world' and it depresses me sometimes. I know -I- can't stop being myself (passionate or whatever else) either... though sometimes the passion fizzles for awhile, and then it's just faith that I'm still the same person that carries me along, it seems like.
I totally feel like that too-- like, if one could read my finished WiPs, one would totally understand everything I Really Mean about H/D. One can't help that, with a really long fic... it just comes out. A part of it might be why one has a hard time finishing it-- if it's like, a representation of one's relationship with H/D, then it makes sense why one might not -want- to really finish it, y'know? Even as sometimes I'd like nothing better than to feel like it's all over ^^;;
You know it's not about the gay porn, man (or at least, you know that's not really what you do.) <3
Spiritual leaders come in all shapes and sizes, anyway.
no subject
Date: 2004-11-22 11:43 am (UTC)<3. All these exchanges make me happy, I had to mention it.