~ready, set, ramble!~

[reenka]

Every day it comes to me anew how much I genuinely like and just really can't stand people (and especially their issues). I can look at a stranger and smile because there really seem to be so many kindred spirits in this world, and likewise I can cringe because sometimes people walk around with this cloud of... ick all over them. I've always known there were kindred spirits that I could befriend, just reading books. I've never really -had- those friends, but I knew they were possible.

It's continuously startling, always see-sawing back and forth between an infatuation with life and a tiredness, a desire to withdraw because it's like my receptors get raw, it's all too much for me. I think my frustration with being misunderstood sometimes borders on the extreme; this desire to blame myself and also force myself into being "different", being Other.

There are certain things that will automatically make me like you: girls with emo glasses and petite scarves, girls with army boots, boys with sad eyes possibly carrying notebooks, girls with mish-mash clothes, boys with jewelry, people who look you straight in the eye and don't flinch and don't start to babble. I'm not one of those people-- you couldn't spot me because of some "look" or defining characteristic. My identity is trapped inside me, fluid and always forming, like a regenerating well. I keep talking in circles, accidentally stumbling upon meaning, and people expect me to -do- and to -be- and that flusters me to no end, because I'm not. You could say I'm a poser because I don't really follow through with anything. My interest is transitory and my attention fleeting.

I wish for a new face. Not thinner or paler, but just-- someone else's. Someone I admire. I mean, why do all the girls I like have glasses? What kind of strange disturbing conspiracy is that?
    It's funny how these bits of extraneous decoration can make all the difference. I feel... different, just putting on different clothes. But of course this makes sense-- cliques and countercultures of all types have always been definiting themselves with clothes. In a way, that's just sort of... weird, isn't it. Even though it makes complete sense, because we all need some way of differentiating ourselves besides the colors and shapes we're born with, otherwise we couldn't really -change- and thus it would be no fun. Or something.

Even so, dress Harry Potter up in emo chic (eheheh), and, I mean, is he still Harry Potter? Well, sort of, but also not. It's funny because I'm still -me- even though I'm wearing this weird blue knit hoodie (I never wear blue anymore)-- and yet I'm not, at the same time. I'm constantly looking at myself in amazement, because this is just so... pleasant. The sheer newness. So maybe Harry would want to wear trench-coats and sunglasses and pierce his lip at some point, even though some people rebel with hoodies.

I've missed poetry. I mean, I'm in love with poetry, the way I am with color and light. But I get obsessed with shiny new things (mmm, slash). Sort of like one has flings with a hot (curly-haired-- they have to have either curly or spiky hair) drummer. What am I even talking about? I wouldn't know a drummer if he bumped into me and slapped me on the ass. Well, I'd -notice-, certainly, and I might even pay attention to the hair, but I'm never able to judge people in any conscious way at first glance. I think this puts me at a disadvantage, kind of.
~~

On a completely unrelated note, I really really dig Catwoman. I was just thinking that, earlier. She's all ambiguous and unpredictable, and I love that more than anything else. Being predictable is the hobgoblin of little minds-- or something like that. That's why I'm obsessed with people changing, transforming, becoming something other than what they have been. Especially in adolescence-- it -has- to happen. One hopes. One hopes that one isn't going to just go on a straight path throughout their lives. I dislike the whole attitude that I myself fall prey to too often-- what was, will be. That's such fatalism; it makes my teeth hurt.

So yeah, Catwoman. I especially love the Batman/Catwoman-type dynamic, where the conflicted order-obsessed pragmatist has this ambiguous relationship with the unpredictably mischievous, prickly hedonist. I love the way she -could- be the hero, but doesn't have to be-- the way she's a hero when it suits her. And this, contrasted with the way Batman -has- to be a hero, even in spite of himself. He has this -destiny-, this need to prove something, this need to make things better. So he kind of goes around trying to save his soul by proxy while Catwoman is free, living at the edges of their world.

I was thinking about heroes, and how much I love them, too. I know it's so much more cool to love the anti-hero or the outright antagonist, but I think that too can get passe if you love it to the exclusion of their needed complement. I was listening to "Hero" by Chad Kroeger, and that song always gets me in such an inspired mood. I love the idea of a hero who's "one of us", who isn't self-righteous or pretending to be something he's not-- who's just genuinely idealistic. Who has this dream of ultimate right, of saving the innocent. He's the paladin, you know. I love imagining the way an average, regular boy (or girl) could become this vision of redemption. Not to go over-the-top or anything, of course.
~~

EDIT - Has anyone noticed how every fandom has its own prevailing style of writing? I'm actually really attracted to the casual down-to-earth realness of the writing in the popslash & QAF & the older, "more mature" fandoms like `Due South' and such. I just read the way they -talk- in QAF-land and it's just-- markedly different. More loose or something. More down with the fucking. It inspires me so much more than either the squeeing/jadedness of H/D or the intellectualized perving of H/S. Now here's a fandom that knows how to have fun with itself and its boys. Am sad now.

Comments

[chresimos.livejournal.com]

Not too much with the understanding of this post. You like people because of certain aspects of their appearance and at the same time define yourself as someone who cannot be assessed through your appearance? And then you look at other people who have the 'cloud of ick' and this makes you disgusted with humanity? Huh? *confused*

Okay, I know you've said that you rambled and tend to circle around meaning instead of being direct, and I sort of see what you mean. It was a nicely written little ramble, and I liked your point about sunglasses wearing Harry. But...still! Can you elucidate?

In addition, I am entirely opposed to liking people instantly based on any aspect of their appearance. I realize that people make snap judgments unavoidably, and it amuses me how so many people fit into a certain 'type' - you see some guy with a certain face shape and it's surprising how many you're seen similar to him, say, or a woman with a certain hairstyle and way of dressing. Or you look at rugby players and they all have rugby player faces. You can probably tell things about a person from the attire they choose...but liking or disliking a person because of it? I so strongly reject that idea, philosophy, whatever you call it. The internet I think is much more expressive (or has the potential to be) in terms of one's mind, you can dress up your words with colors or images like you can dress up your body. And you don't have your physical presence to get in the way, and inflict stereotypes and visual first-impressions upon people.

With you the liking might be more of an artsy thing, I don't know.

And how do you withdraw and define yourself as 'Other'?

Who has this dream of ultimate right

Which is all good until you realize their ultimate right isn't the same as yours. :D

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I know I contradict myself often enough, but um. In this case I wasn't -trying- to make any particular point, so I figured it didn't really matter, I guess. :-?
It's not that I can't be accessed through appearance as much as I don't have identifiable aspects, like a certain "sort" of look, you know what I mean? Like, I don't fit in with any group of people who'd look similar, simply because I put zero care into my appearance and just put on whatever's handy. Not because I don't care about appearances but because generally I can't be bothered anyway, or possibly I've just let myself go or something. Not that it's ever been all that different. I never really had the time/money I felt like spending on trying to do something that made me more identfiable.

I mean, if I -did- dress according to my actual tastes, it'd be different. I'd wear these flowy dresses and pretty jewelry and natural fabrics. I'd look like a hippie, basically, half the time, anyway. And then sometimes I'd look semi-goth, heh. Instead, I just look like a bum, I think ^^;

This whole "liking certain looks" thing isn't something I can help. A lot of people who'd thought of me as "intellectual" have had problems with this, but the thing is-- I'm rather visual, and for some reason fascinated with fashion. I just have natural preferences in "look" fashion-wise the same way I have preferences in look in terms of architecture and type of natural environment (for instance, I like moors and beaches and temperate forests more than evergreens). I'm just picky about things, I guess, and I always rate things in degree of appeal. I know it's offensive to some people, but it's just a natural consequence of me -noticing- things. Not so much a judgement (meaning it involves thought or some system of values I can elucidate logically) as sheer emotional attraction.

It's not that I stereotype or sort people on purpose-- as in, that being my purpose-- I just like to surround myself with the pretty and stay away from what frustrates me (the non-pretty). I always knew I was shallow, but it's not something I can help, since I'm just always looking for my idea of beauty in everything, visual or textural or aural or what have you.

I'm not one of those people who say "it's what's inside that counts". I mean, it does as far as having actual insight about a person's spirit, but for sheer enjoyment-- the surface world is full of delights for me.~:) Usually, I'm just unashamedly hedonistic, I guess.
So yeah, basically. I think it's an artsy thing. It's nice to have you care enough to make sure where I'm coming from, though~:)

I guess I withdraw by not actually -following- fashion even as fascinated by appearances as I am. I totally put myself out of the equation. I observe people while refusing to play the game even if other people play it with me. I've never been very sociable or did a number of the things societally expected of me. I guess I'm just one big lurker :>

Also, I don't think the dream of the Hero is a realistic dream that's easily applicable to actual reality, you know, where everyone twists their power and Heroes are hard to come by. In stories, they're chosen by the powers that be or whatever because they're special, y'know-- they're suited. They're not like us and representative of us at the same time. Pretty contradictory, I know, but then, that's why they're fairy-tales :>

[chresimos.livejournal.com]

I put zero care into my appearance and just put on whatever's handy.

Me too. :D

I understand what you're saying, and being visual is all well and good and appreciating people aesthetically too. I just have problems with attaching judgement to that. Put it down to being afraid of people in general, and suspecting the worst behind everyone, especially the pretty ones. ;D