~ready, set, ramble!~

[reenka]

Every day it comes to me anew how much I genuinely like and just really can't stand people (and especially their issues). I can look at a stranger and smile because there really seem to be so many kindred spirits in this world, and likewise I can cringe because sometimes people walk around with this cloud of... ick all over them. I've always known there were kindred spirits that I could befriend, just reading books. I've never really -had- those friends, but I knew they were possible.

It's continuously startling, always see-sawing back and forth between an infatuation with life and a tiredness, a desire to withdraw because it's like my receptors get raw, it's all too much for me. I think my frustration with being misunderstood sometimes borders on the extreme; this desire to blame myself and also force myself into being "different", being Other.

There are certain things that will automatically make me like you: girls with emo glasses and petite scarves, girls with army boots, boys with sad eyes possibly carrying notebooks, girls with mish-mash clothes, boys with jewelry, people who look you straight in the eye and don't flinch and don't start to babble. I'm not one of those people-- you couldn't spot me because of some "look" or defining characteristic. My identity is trapped inside me, fluid and always forming, like a regenerating well. I keep talking in circles, accidentally stumbling upon meaning, and people expect me to -do- and to -be- and that flusters me to no end, because I'm not. You could say I'm a poser because I don't really follow through with anything. My interest is transitory and my attention fleeting.

I wish for a new face. Not thinner or paler, but just-- someone else's. Someone I admire. I mean, why do all the girls I like have glasses? What kind of strange disturbing conspiracy is that?
    It's funny how these bits of extraneous decoration can make all the difference. I feel... different, just putting on different clothes. But of course this makes sense-- cliques and countercultures of all types have always been definiting themselves with clothes. In a way, that's just sort of... weird, isn't it. Even though it makes complete sense, because we all need some way of differentiating ourselves besides the colors and shapes we're born with, otherwise we couldn't really -change- and thus it would be no fun. Or something.

Even so, dress Harry Potter up in emo chic (eheheh), and, I mean, is he still Harry Potter? Well, sort of, but also not. It's funny because I'm still -me- even though I'm wearing this weird blue knit hoodie (I never wear blue anymore)-- and yet I'm not, at the same time. I'm constantly looking at myself in amazement, because this is just so... pleasant. The sheer newness. So maybe Harry would want to wear trench-coats and sunglasses and pierce his lip at some point, even though some people rebel with hoodies.

I've missed poetry. I mean, I'm in love with poetry, the way I am with color and light. But I get obsessed with shiny new things (mmm, slash). Sort of like one has flings with a hot (curly-haired-- they have to have either curly or spiky hair) drummer. What am I even talking about? I wouldn't know a drummer if he bumped into me and slapped me on the ass. Well, I'd -notice-, certainly, and I might even pay attention to the hair, but I'm never able to judge people in any conscious way at first glance. I think this puts me at a disadvantage, kind of.
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On a completely unrelated note, I really really dig Catwoman. I was just thinking that, earlier. She's all ambiguous and unpredictable, and I love that more than anything else. Being predictable is the hobgoblin of little minds-- or something like that. That's why I'm obsessed with people changing, transforming, becoming something other than what they have been. Especially in adolescence-- it -has- to happen. One hopes. One hopes that one isn't going to just go on a straight path throughout their lives. I dislike the whole attitude that I myself fall prey to too often-- what was, will be. That's such fatalism; it makes my teeth hurt.

So yeah, Catwoman. I especially love the Batman/Catwoman-type dynamic, where the conflicted order-obsessed pragmatist has this ambiguous relationship with the unpredictably mischievous, prickly hedonist. I love the way she -could- be the hero, but doesn't have to be-- the way she's a hero when it suits her. And this, contrasted with the way Batman -has- to be a hero, even in spite of himself. He has this -destiny-, this need to prove something, this need to make things better. So he kind of goes around trying to save his soul by proxy while Catwoman is free, living at the edges of their world.

I was thinking about heroes, and how much I love them, too. I know it's so much more cool to love the anti-hero or the outright antagonist, but I think that too can get passe if you love it to the exclusion of their needed complement. I was listening to "Hero" by Chad Kroeger, and that song always gets me in such an inspired mood. I love the idea of a hero who's "one of us", who isn't self-righteous or pretending to be something he's not-- who's just genuinely idealistic. Who has this dream of ultimate right, of saving the innocent. He's the paladin, you know. I love imagining the way an average, regular boy (or girl) could become this vision of redemption. Not to go over-the-top or anything, of course.
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EDIT - Has anyone noticed how every fandom has its own prevailing style of writing? I'm actually really attracted to the casual down-to-earth realness of the writing in the popslash & QAF & the older, "more mature" fandoms like `Due South' and such. I just read the way they -talk- in QAF-land and it's just-- markedly different. More loose or something. More down with the fucking. It inspires me so much more than either the squeeing/jadedness of H/D or the intellectualized perving of H/S. Now here's a fandom that knows how to have fun with itself and its boys. Am sad now.