~~i never thought i would actually need one of these...

[reenka]

so. the upshot of it is, i'm having an online-identity crisis. *laughs* what i mean is, having an audience is both scary and addictive and mind-boggling and...well... confusing. i started just intending to have people make use of my links, since i felt i was really accumulating them (hp fanfic links that is). that is just something i've done online since i -got- online, way back when. i used to write down every interesting place i went to in my address book. eventually my list got so big i didn't have room to scribble them down anymore, so i started my own webpage (also because i thought people with webpages were very cool-- i mean, wow, someone likes faeries and dragons -and- writing??! i could -die- of shock and amazement).

if any of you got online before or during 1996, you probably know the feeling. the net was so. fucking. cool.
    so i started a links page, and it grew, and grew, and grew, and i never actually lost the habit of organizing my links with the strange idea they're useful. for posterity? i don't know. surfing is a fine art. or it used to be. *laughs*

the most attention any of my webpages ever got was like, one guestbook entry per month. it got pretty steady there for a bit. i was just addicted. totally. wow. one guestbook entry! so exciting!
    so then i destroyed my webpage, partly because i got -too- interested in getting feedback. i would check my silly dreambook like, every day. several times a day. it was really unhealthy, i thought. so i just deleted everything. it -hurt-. that was a lot of creativity, countless hours of (stupid, old-school html, but whatever) design. at least i didn't delete my poems. but the rest of it was gone. boom. i'm like that. i destroy things on impulse.

    
so, i guess it's just gotten weird. i can't just -go- and delete things because i feel like it would affect someone other than me, which is a weird thought. but i've gotten self-conscious. most people don't talk about it-- about the -process- and the feeling of having a livejournal, of having weird people add you, of wondering why people comment and why they don't, of wondering how you come across and wondering how in the world you got this weird thing called `a reputation' and so on. and does that mean you have to uphold it now?? - like, right now - i should be doing/saying something more useful, more intelligent, more funny, more fandom related, more non-fandom-related, more....
    at first i -wanted- to just post links, and i did, and sometimes i rambled about nonsense and sometimes i made sense. i wonder if most people expect me to just post fanfic links, and that's why they follow the page. or if i'm supposed to say deep things about the meta-reality of slashfic. heh. at least twice a week, maybe.

if i -do- have all those `deep thoughts about slash' i feel like i'm having some sort of unhealthy obsession-- i mean, using it for giggles is fine, but giving it deep thought makes me feel like i should be using my brain for more deeply fascinating subjects, being more creative. i feel self-conscious about just posting random, unreviewed links for my own reference and for the possible pleasure of people who are either bored or trust my opinion-- i feel like i should -say- something, not just go, "here, look at this".

this adds up to me making myself uncomfortable. if i -do- post some philosophical ramble, it's not like i get lots of discussion started, or anything, which would make it interesting. in fact, i get the most comments if i say something a) silly; b) provocative; c) directly mentioning a particular person.
    if i talk about fandom, i feel like i must be boring the daylights out of any non-fandom people who might (or might not) read this. if i don't give a valid service to the fandom by -saying- something worthwhile, i feel my over-long entries waste everyone's time (although no one has to read it if they don't want to, it still makes me feel weird). the only thing i feel comfortable with is posting fic, if only because i'm usually aware it doesn't suck too bad, and is of general interest as far as being of good enough quality to read.

the old goal of posting fic-recs (and occasional fics) is still important, and i can't -help- organizing and cataloguing them anyway, as i've said. but the expectation of me saying something worthwhile is probably unfounded. i mean, what if i didn't say anything about harry & draco for a month? should i feel guilty? would people stop reading? (and would that even be a -bad- thing?)
    what if i just rambled on about the snow, and some strange, dark-haired beauty that passed by in a cloak, and the dim lights ahead of me, and the feeling like i'm sinking and flying and about to dissolve? i mean, that was random, but still. *laughs* [for some reason this is sounding like i'm in danger of turning into monochromal. which would actually not be that bad, of course. although after she stopped posting fics and got that new lj, only half as many people friended her....]

anyway. i've started a livejournal for me, me, and more me. snippets of weirdness and poetry and stories and rambles and angst and all that good stuff. -not- a diary, still, just-- not fandom. if anyone wants to know, they can ask. something tells me no one really wants to know, though.
    just thought i'd put a disclaimer on this space or something. "reena = t00b. fandom mutterings and occasional bits of sense. spammy link-tablets ahoy. lick once and see doctor in the morning."

~~
    EDIT - and oh yah. email me if you want some fanart or a card or something for `the holidays' which is to say, christmas >< er. yes. i -want- you to, too. you know who you are, don't you?? don't you want me to send you pictures of draco (or hermione, ahahahah), naked?? well, gimme your address, then >:D<
    [and yes, i've sunk to a new low of t00biness.]

and, just so i `keep up', skysorceress wrote a harry/ron ficlet, `fingerprints'. which i'll read, just as soon as i can swallow again. haha.

Comments

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

i think you added me before the surge of weird people who never comment happened. you're different, because you actually comment, which makes you less strange & random~:)
and like. -trust me- you're more amusing than george carlin compared to um..
some people :D

ahahahah. um.
so it's ok, i'm all better now. well, until tomorrow's crisis :D

~reena