~~i never thought i would actually need one of these...

[reenka]

so. the upshot of it is, i'm having an online-identity crisis. *laughs* what i mean is, having an audience is both scary and addictive and mind-boggling and...well... confusing. i started just intending to have people make use of my links, since i felt i was really accumulating them (hp fanfic links that is). that is just something i've done online since i -got- online, way back when. i used to write down every interesting place i went to in my address book. eventually my list got so big i didn't have room to scribble them down anymore, so i started my own webpage (also because i thought people with webpages were very cool-- i mean, wow, someone likes faeries and dragons -and- writing??! i could -die- of shock and amazement).

if any of you got online before or during 1996, you probably know the feeling. the net was so. fucking. cool.
    so i started a links page, and it grew, and grew, and grew, and i never actually lost the habit of organizing my links with the strange idea they're useful. for posterity? i don't know. surfing is a fine art. or it used to be. *laughs*

the most attention any of my webpages ever got was like, one guestbook entry per month. it got pretty steady there for a bit. i was just addicted. totally. wow. one guestbook entry! so exciting!
    so then i destroyed my webpage, partly because i got -too- interested in getting feedback. i would check my silly dreambook like, every day. several times a day. it was really unhealthy, i thought. so i just deleted everything. it -hurt-. that was a lot of creativity, countless hours of (stupid, old-school html, but whatever) design. at least i didn't delete my poems. but the rest of it was gone. boom. i'm like that. i destroy things on impulse.

    
so, i guess it's just gotten weird. i can't just -go- and delete things because i feel like it would affect someone other than me, which is a weird thought. but i've gotten self-conscious. most people don't talk about it-- about the -process- and the feeling of having a livejournal, of having weird people add you, of wondering why people comment and why they don't, of wondering how you come across and wondering how in the world you got this weird thing called `a reputation' and so on. and does that mean you have to uphold it now?? - like, right now - i should be doing/saying something more useful, more intelligent, more funny, more fandom related, more non-fandom-related, more....
    at first i -wanted- to just post links, and i did, and sometimes i rambled about nonsense and sometimes i made sense. i wonder if most people expect me to just post fanfic links, and that's why they follow the page. or if i'm supposed to say deep things about the meta-reality of slashfic. heh. at least twice a week, maybe.

if i -do- have all those `deep thoughts about slash' i feel like i'm having some sort of unhealthy obsession-- i mean, using it for giggles is fine, but giving it deep thought makes me feel like i should be using my brain for more deeply fascinating subjects, being more creative. i feel self-conscious about just posting random, unreviewed links for my own reference and for the possible pleasure of people who are either bored or trust my opinion-- i feel like i should -say- something, not just go, "here, look at this".

this adds up to me making myself uncomfortable. if i -do- post some philosophical ramble, it's not like i get lots of discussion started, or anything, which would make it interesting. in fact, i get the most comments if i say something a) silly; b) provocative; c) directly mentioning a particular person.
    if i talk about fandom, i feel like i must be boring the daylights out of any non-fandom people who might (or might not) read this. if i don't give a valid service to the fandom by -saying- something worthwhile, i feel my over-long entries waste everyone's time (although no one has to read it if they don't want to, it still makes me feel weird). the only thing i feel comfortable with is posting fic, if only because i'm usually aware it doesn't suck too bad, and is of general interest as far as being of good enough quality to read.

the old goal of posting fic-recs (and occasional fics) is still important, and i can't -help- organizing and cataloguing them anyway, as i've said. but the expectation of me saying something worthwhile is probably unfounded. i mean, what if i didn't say anything about harry & draco for a month? should i feel guilty? would people stop reading? (and would that even be a -bad- thing?)
    what if i just rambled on about the snow, and some strange, dark-haired beauty that passed by in a cloak, and the dim lights ahead of me, and the feeling like i'm sinking and flying and about to dissolve? i mean, that was random, but still. *laughs* [for some reason this is sounding like i'm in danger of turning into monochromal. which would actually not be that bad, of course. although after she stopped posting fics and got that new lj, only half as many people friended her....]

anyway. i've started a livejournal for me, me, and more me. snippets of weirdness and poetry and stories and rambles and angst and all that good stuff. -not- a diary, still, just-- not fandom. if anyone wants to know, they can ask. something tells me no one really wants to know, though.
    just thought i'd put a disclaimer on this space or something. "reena = t00b. fandom mutterings and occasional bits of sense. spammy link-tablets ahoy. lick once and see doctor in the morning."

~~
    EDIT - and oh yah. email me if you want some fanart or a card or something for `the holidays' which is to say, christmas >< er. yes. i -want- you to, too. you know who you are, don't you?? don't you want me to send you pictures of draco (or hermione, ahahahah), naked?? well, gimme your address, then >:D<
    [and yes, i've sunk to a new low of t00biness.]

and, just so i `keep up', skysorceress wrote a harry/ron ficlet, `fingerprints'. which i'll read, just as soon as i can swallow again. haha.

Comments

[lasultrix.livejournal.com]

I've always, always thought that People Don't Have to Read If They Don't Want To.

People would miss it if you stopped talking about Harry and Draco, yes. I would.

Important thing? I wouldn't mind.

It's your LJ. I like it. If you post entries I don't have the time or inclination to read, I don't read 'em. Mostly, I do.

Don't worry too much, sweetheart.

[karabou.livejournal.com]

i mean, what if i didn't say anything about harry & draco for a month? should i feel guilty? would people stop reading? (and would that even be a -bad- thing?)

Absolutely not. It is your journal, and you can do with it what you like regardless of what the people on your friends list think. If you want to write a dissertation on cheese, go for it. If you want to write a one line sentence "clouds are pretty", do it. If you want to just link to fics, more power to you. If that makes people de-friend you, or lose interest.. that's their issue. I don't think our journals are here to cater to others. I know some people write in their journals ignoring the fact that they have an audience, only write for themselves. I've never been good at that, so when I write in my journal I fully know I'm talking to a group of people. BUT I don't consider whether any of them want to read it or not. I talk to myself/them in my LJ, and they can skip it, read it, comments.. they can take it or leave it.

I hope my friending you didn't make you uncomfortable. I love adding people to my friends list.. I don't know, I just like reading other peoples stuff, like to post and comment and so on. And I found you.. er.. in some random way and just thought you were interesting and nice.. so, that's why. :)

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

thanks :D

i do like cheese, btw.
i feel better, saying that >:D

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

thankees~:)
i feel better having gotten it out of my system.
the disclaimer, i mean.

not that i can -stop- talking about harry & draco, really. so it's all kind of hypothetical ^^;;

i think the 4 random people adding me in like, 3 days, had thrown me for a loop, sort of. hee. better now~:)

~reena

[silviakundera.livejournal.com]

Oh, I totally have such panicked thoughts all the time. When I first entered LJ fandom, there were about 40 people on my friends list. I have 10 times that now, and. er. It can be really freaky? I get worried that I'm not being interesting, or talking about worthwhile fandom things... and all that stuff.

It's like when people come over to my house. I feel this almost oppressive need to entertain them.

So... you're far from alone on this. *hugs* I think a whole lot of people worry about these things, they just usually don't articulate it.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

*hugs back*
yah i've seen people wibble about this before. this is just me coming out of my wibbly closet >:D<

*feels better*

and um. do tell if you want me to mail you that naked hermione for christmas ;)

[ashkitty.livejournal.com]

What Las said. It's your LJ. If somebody doesn't feel like listening, they can skip it. And if they want to read, whether or not they respond, they can. Most of the time, we aren't blogging to an audience, even if it seems like we are. :)

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

*grins*
oh yah, i know. i haven't really been too concerned with who reads or doesn't...
the more the merrier, of course.
sometimes, can't help feeling like a naked person in a really large room full of old, english stuffy dead people.


*snorts*
or not >:D

[ishuca.livejournal.com]

not much time before work, but-

i guess all i can say is that in the end, this was all for you, wasn't it? or at least, out of you. you don't think these thoughts to be noticed or for any other reasons than you just *have* them, have them and want to share them.

i read what i can, comment on what i want to, and that's it. time's become something of a premium lately, but i do think about what you say. however, it's not everything. i don't think you're -supposed- to do anything, though. although i'm sure people slavishly adore your reviews.

as for 'giving a service to the fandom'... :snurks:

most people don't, and that you now feel the need... you cute t00blet, you.

anyway, i think it's good that you're doing this, if this is how you're feeling. and... i'd like your new lj name. =^_~=

~i

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

the funny thing is, that i did start this as a service to the fandom. *laughs*
i mean, otherwise i'd have just kept my pitas.com weblong :D
but... yah, i mean, it's outta me and into the wide blue yonder. it's not like i try to tailor myself to some sort of standard.
if i did i'd probably fail anyway ><

but you -wonder-... i mean, wouldn't anyone wonder, why they were added along with like, aja and cassie and ivy and so on? am i famous for something i haven't noticed yet? is it my sexy reputation??
*laughs* yah. but this entry -by itself- was showing i don't really care all that much, since it'd not like i figured anyone really -wanted- to read it >:D<

~reena~:)

Re:

[karabou.livejournal.com]

Woo hoo! Go Colby Jack!

[ishuca.livejournal.com]

maybe it's your incredibly sexy reviews?

i mean, you leave lurvely long reviews for people to swoon over. then they visit your lj. then they realize that you are DEEP. then they think- hey, i'd like to hear her other t00by H/D rants.

and really, fame is relative. do you know i found fyredancer's (talya firedancer) lj? her friends' list is less than yours is, i think. and she's a legend. but it all depends, you know? she probably doesn't post cute t00by commentaries and stuff.

erm. also, you make an effort in the fandom. that helps, i think.

=^-^=

i

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

yesh, that would make sense, if only it was the people i -reviewed- that added me, instead of people i've never heard or seen before *snorts*
*laughs* i didn't realize being a reviewer (of someone else's fics) was so sexy ><;;
i mean. it's not a glamourous sort of thing to do-- think roger ebert-- sexay fox ><;;
ahahaha.

but i loff hearing about how sexy my reviews are, anyway >:D<

and, my `alter ego' added you :D

[metro99.livejournal.com]

er... Did you feel this way when I added you? Just some strange, random person out of nowhere?

And, anyway, ditto to everyone who said 'it's your journal, do what you will.' I've probably bored the pants off of you since you added me back, and this makes me feel bad. -_- Besides, I like reading what you write. It feels...earnest, somehow.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

i think you added me before the surge of weird people who never comment happened. you're different, because you actually comment, which makes you less strange & random~:)
and like. -trust me- you're more amusing than george carlin compared to um..
some people :D

ahahahah. um.
so it's ok, i'm all better now. well, until tomorrow's crisis :D

~reena