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reenka*random paranoia*
wah. being online is a weird business. people talk and make friends and are "in" and there's like these tiny bubbles, like mini-universes, and then there are the Watchers, the Lurkers, who observe. we (they?) don't like to pander to the Lurker's (prurient?) interests, so they lock away their Wisdom and hide their trails of cookie-crumbs.
it boggles the mind, doesn't it?
there are all these brilliant things people are saying, and we can't -see- them, we (the Watchers). will never -know-.
in real life, it's like this too. there are hoards of knowledge and wisdom never discovered, endless amounts of people whose words and art will never reach us. we don't even know who they are. and maybe that's why so many of us live happily, because we never really know each other's true brilliance, since all we tend to say to each other is "hello" and "will you pass the salt".
but on livejournal, i myself kind of -know- who the brilliant ones are. i've read their fic, seen their comments or maybe their public posts. i know if they have something to say, it's likely to be well-informed and in-depth, or at least entertaining. it's the real -life- of the fandom. but it's still hidden, locked away, even what seems to be links to just meta discussion, and this just makes me sad.
by inclination, i just watch. i got to -know- most people just by reading their public lj posts and their publically-posted fiction-- without that fodder, there would -be- no fandom, for me, anyway.
and it's like, they're -too- brilliant, and they must hide away as in monasteries, retire to a hidden black-curtained room where real, honest discussion could take place.
i mean, i understand about making diaries private-- the very -nature- of diaries is to be private, about one's private life and fears and joys and emotions. that's not what i'm talking about.
i'm just a bit frustrated that the sort of vigorous intellectual discussion that i miss -so much- (so much!) in this fandom is of course, also most alive in these hidden channels. i have this feeling like intellectual discourse should be public by nature. there's just something so very... -free- about the exercise of reason itself. something that begs to be shared fearlessly to do justice to what is being said in the first place.
so what am i saying? nothing of use, which is why this is friends-locked. i'm not condemning anyone for anything, not feeling bad that -i- can't see these journals or the meta entries in particular-- i'm feeling bad that the public can't see them. while i have grown to have affection towards a number of you, i still feel like an outsider. i know i am. i'm part of the public in regards to pretty much every clique that exists-- the only difference is that most of the them/you/us would know me by name. "oh, reenka. she talks about meta all the time and i hear she writes cute h/d smut. a tad obsessive, isn't she. seems okay, though."
i just realized that i believe in the essential public value of what i'm doing. not having a fandom journal, not the hp meta, but just this very act of thoughtful public discussion. i feel i'm taking part in something great, by sharing my thoughts with whoever would like to see them-- something new and old and exciting. i don't know. it's like, i -grow-, watching the twists and turns these same concepts take in other's handling. and the more contributors the better, if someone has something to say. these are, at heart, always very large issues (well, in meta-talk, anyway). no one can ever encompass it all at once, so i myself kind of feed off what other people that i respect are saying.
and i suppose i could befriend everyone i respect the intelligence of, but well-- what can i say? i'm asocial, a hermit, shy, a tad paranoid, totally convinced most of Them have little real interest in getting to know me, plus i'm afraid of getting too involved with online friendships again. but the point is, it doesn't have to be about keeping high-level discussion between friends-- it's much more freeing to think of it being out there. and if one is misunderstood, one can -explain-. i don't know.
this is all silly, anyway. i'm just particularly partial to the minds of several people who're -particularly- well-known for being recluses and shy of the limelight and so on. a bit frustrating though.
it's just.... a link to this post said, `WARNING: ACADEMIC-FLAVORED SUPERMETA INTELLIWHINGING AHEAD. YOU HAVE BEEN ADVISED' and. i just kind of whimpered in envy, not because i knew that it'd be brilliant (i don't even know who it is, except whole respecting the linker thing), but just because of the very -possibility- that it was and it wasn't publically accessible upsets me. *laughs* i'm an intelli-communist, what can i say ^^;
EDIT - and okay, it's seri, that makes sense. siiigh. much with the extremely biased selection method here, again. ><
although, wheeeee!! this way i found out seri has her own website now!..!..!!! *swoons*
wah. being online is a weird business. people talk and make friends and are "in" and there's like these tiny bubbles, like mini-universes, and then there are the Watchers, the Lurkers, who observe. we (they?) don't like to pander to the Lurker's (prurient?) interests, so they lock away their Wisdom and hide their trails of cookie-crumbs.
it boggles the mind, doesn't it?
there are all these brilliant things people are saying, and we can't -see- them, we (the Watchers). will never -know-.
in real life, it's like this too. there are hoards of knowledge and wisdom never discovered, endless amounts of people whose words and art will never reach us. we don't even know who they are. and maybe that's why so many of us live happily, because we never really know each other's true brilliance, since all we tend to say to each other is "hello" and "will you pass the salt".
but on livejournal, i myself kind of -know- who the brilliant ones are. i've read their fic, seen their comments or maybe their public posts. i know if they have something to say, it's likely to be well-informed and in-depth, or at least entertaining. it's the real -life- of the fandom. but it's still hidden, locked away, even what seems to be links to just meta discussion, and this just makes me sad.
by inclination, i just watch. i got to -know- most people just by reading their public lj posts and their publically-posted fiction-- without that fodder, there would -be- no fandom, for me, anyway.
and it's like, they're -too- brilliant, and they must hide away as in monasteries, retire to a hidden black-curtained room where real, honest discussion could take place.
i mean, i understand about making diaries private-- the very -nature- of diaries is to be private, about one's private life and fears and joys and emotions. that's not what i'm talking about.
i'm just a bit frustrated that the sort of vigorous intellectual discussion that i miss -so much- (so much!) in this fandom is of course, also most alive in these hidden channels. i have this feeling like intellectual discourse should be public by nature. there's just something so very... -free- about the exercise of reason itself. something that begs to be shared fearlessly to do justice to what is being said in the first place.
so what am i saying? nothing of use, which is why this is friends-locked. i'm not condemning anyone for anything, not feeling bad that -i- can't see these journals or the meta entries in particular-- i'm feeling bad that the public can't see them. while i have grown to have affection towards a number of you, i still feel like an outsider. i know i am. i'm part of the public in regards to pretty much every clique that exists-- the only difference is that most of the them/you/us would know me by name. "oh, reenka. she talks about meta all the time and i hear she writes cute h/d smut. a tad obsessive, isn't she. seems okay, though."
i just realized that i believe in the essential public value of what i'm doing. not having a fandom journal, not the hp meta, but just this very act of thoughtful public discussion. i feel i'm taking part in something great, by sharing my thoughts with whoever would like to see them-- something new and old and exciting. i don't know. it's like, i -grow-, watching the twists and turns these same concepts take in other's handling. and the more contributors the better, if someone has something to say. these are, at heart, always very large issues (well, in meta-talk, anyway). no one can ever encompass it all at once, so i myself kind of feed off what other people that i respect are saying.
and i suppose i could befriend everyone i respect the intelligence of, but well-- what can i say? i'm asocial, a hermit, shy, a tad paranoid, totally convinced most of Them have little real interest in getting to know me, plus i'm afraid of getting too involved with online friendships again. but the point is, it doesn't have to be about keeping high-level discussion between friends-- it's much more freeing to think of it being out there. and if one is misunderstood, one can -explain-. i don't know.
this is all silly, anyway. i'm just particularly partial to the minds of several people who're -particularly- well-known for being recluses and shy of the limelight and so on. a bit frustrating though.
it's just.... a link to this post said, `WARNING: ACADEMIC-FLAVORED SUPERMETA INTELLIWHINGING AHEAD. YOU HAVE BEEN ADVISED' and. i just kind of whimpered in envy, not because i knew that it'd be brilliant (i don't even know who it is, except whole respecting the linker thing), but just because of the very -possibility- that it was and it wasn't publically accessible upsets me. *laughs* i'm an intelli-communist, what can i say ^^;
EDIT - and okay, it's seri, that makes sense. siiigh. much with the extremely biased selection method here, again. ><
although, wheeeee!! this way i found out seri has her own website now!..!..!!! *swoons*
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no subject
Date: 2003-09-06 04:08 pm (UTC)I really like the lounge analogy (ahhh, fandom is just one insane little dorm... it really is though). I actually am far from the type to post anything anywhere (although I used to draw stuff like nude girls on my erase-board at my door). Like, I totally don't feel I'm saying anything worthy or important and I don't really get much validation that it is even if I thought so (1-3 people do comment, but they don't really -discuss- ussually). I'd probably pick having 10 friends who generally always picked up on whatever I said than 100 people (as well as the silent "general public") who just watch. Heh.
I started this lj as a place to put links to fanfic since I was overloading my pitas weblog, and then it just got out of hand. Since I never got responses when I -did- write something more personal, I just quit at some point (well, I do have another lj, but it's not secret or friend's locked and just mainly for my non-fannish ficlets and random philosophy that surprisingly isn't related to HP).
On the otherhand, when it comes to -youuu- (and Seri and so on), it is my personal opinion that what you guys have to say is fascinating, so anything I say is clearly grossly biased~:) I know -I- want to see, but what do I know about the "public at large"? Like, it seems that the concept of open writing (that is, not hidden) is different than knowing your audience or speaking to your audience. I mean, "audience" is sort of really hypothetical to me, I just believe that it might exist and what I support is the possibility of someone who could become a friend, who'd understand, and yet I don't know them yet, reading something I have to say. Does that make sense? But -I- just write publically because I don't have anything private to say~:)
SO it's kind of split between a intelli-communist general philosophy but a sort of "wah! but -I- want to know what you think because -I- think you're brilliant" in practice~:) hehehe. Am selfish, unsurprisingly ^^
Also, wheee! Would be uber-gleeful if this inspired you to unlock them, almost as if my whinging-into-the-void had a -purpose- now :))
*bounces*
no subject
Date: 2003-09-06 04:40 pm (UTC)I think another, more selfish, part of the reason I lock things is because when I speculate on parts of canon it's often because I'm intending to write a fic on that topic and I am afraid someone else will get the same idea and finish it first. Which is pretty likely, given that I take months to finish fics, if I finish them at all.
I'm the type of person who didn't want to go to college solely because I didn't want to stay in a dorm. Possibly, this is telling.
One nice thing about friends-only LJs is that I think they do tend to inspire discussion more often. It sucks, probably, but I think aside from the fact that the person posting feels more comfortable, the people commenting also feel comfortable in that they know who can read it and feel more comfortable in the same atmosphere.
That does make sense, and I used to get really excited about having discussions on my LJ with people I didn't know at all, in hopes of becoming friends with them. Unfortunately I don't see that happening with me anymore. I am also pretty reclusive, in that I tend to make friends angry at me because I'm not around enough, including friends on my friends-only LJ, so I'm probably being just as bad to them as anyone who isn't on my friends-only LJ and would want to read it.
I think that you started your LJ to post fic links is a noticeable difference; I had an LJ before LJ got really big in the fandom, and when I did have it then, I was only posting to people I knew personally. When the fandom started getting LJs and adding people it felt so weird I had to delete my LJ and start another one because mine had previously been personal and completely unrelated to fandom. It was very weird for me for awhile to be friended by people I didn't know.
Anyway, these are mine. I'm just unlocking them for you, so I'm not going to, you know, make an advertisement of some sort, but there you are. I can't unlock anyone else's, of course, but feel free to join in conversation, because I could really talk about canon for weeks straight without getting bored. Some of these were actually completely private, because I make a lot of posts private after I have had them up for a bit.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ventricular/11210.html
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ventricular/11286.html
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ventricular/15947.html
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ventricular/12436.html
http://www.livejournal.com/users/ventricular/14576.html