~~ confessions of an intelli-communist. [read: whinging]

[reenka]

*random paranoia*

wah. being online is a weird business. people talk and make friends and are "in" and there's like these tiny bubbles, like mini-universes, and then there are the Watchers, the Lurkers, who observe. we (they?) don't like to pander to the Lurker's (prurient?) interests, so they lock away their Wisdom and hide their trails of cookie-crumbs.

it boggles the mind, doesn't it?

there are all these brilliant things people are saying, and we can't -see- them, we (the Watchers). will never -know-.
    in real life, it's like this too. there are hoards of knowledge and wisdom never discovered, endless amounts of people whose words and art will never reach us. we don't even know who they are. and maybe that's why so many of us live happily, because we never really know each other's true brilliance, since all we tend to say to each other is "hello" and "will you pass the salt".

but on livejournal, i myself kind of -know- who the brilliant ones are. i've read their fic, seen their comments or maybe their public posts. i know if they have something to say, it's likely to be well-informed and in-depth, or at least entertaining. it's the real -life- of the fandom. but it's still hidden, locked away, even what seems to be links to just meta discussion, and this just makes me sad.
    by inclination, i just watch. i got to -know- most people just by reading their public lj posts and their publically-posted fiction-- without that fodder, there would -be- no fandom, for me, anyway.

and it's like, they're -too- brilliant, and they must hide away as in monasteries, retire to a hidden black-curtained room where real, honest discussion could take place.

i mean, i understand about making diaries private-- the very -nature- of diaries is to be private, about one's private life and fears and joys and emotions. that's not what i'm talking about.


i'm just a bit frustrated that the sort of vigorous intellectual discussion that i miss -so much- (so much!) in this fandom is of course, also most alive in these hidden channels. i have this feeling like intellectual discourse should be public by nature. there's just something so very... -free- about the exercise of reason itself. something that begs to be shared fearlessly to do justice to what is being said in the first place.

so what am i saying? nothing of use, which is why this is friends-locked. i'm not condemning anyone for anything, not feeling bad that -i- can't see these journals or the meta entries in particular-- i'm feeling bad that the public can't see them. while i have grown to have affection towards a number of you, i still feel like an outsider. i know i am. i'm part of the public in regards to pretty much every clique that exists-- the only difference is that most of the them/you/us would know me by name. "oh, reenka. she talks about meta all the time and i hear she writes cute h/d smut. a tad obsessive, isn't she. seems okay, though."

i just realized that i believe in the essential public value of what i'm doing. not having a fandom journal, not the hp meta, but just this very act of thoughtful public discussion. i feel i'm taking part in something great, by sharing my thoughts with whoever would like to see them-- something new and old and exciting. i don't know. it's like, i -grow-, watching the twists and turns these same concepts take in other's handling. and the more contributors the better, if someone has something to say. these are, at heart, always very large issues (well, in meta-talk, anyway). no one can ever encompass it all at once, so i myself kind of feed off what other people that i respect are saying.

and i suppose i could befriend everyone i respect the intelligence of, but well-- what can i say? i'm asocial, a hermit, shy, a tad paranoid, totally convinced most of Them have little real interest in getting to know me, plus i'm afraid of getting too involved with online friendships again. but the point is, it doesn't have to be about keeping high-level discussion between friends-- it's much more freeing to think of it being out there. and if one is misunderstood, one can -explain-. i don't know.

this is all silly, anyway. i'm just particularly partial to the minds of several people who're -particularly- well-known for being recluses and shy of the limelight and so on. a bit frustrating though.

it's just.... a link to this post said, `WARNING: ACADEMIC-FLAVORED SUPERMETA INTELLIWHINGING AHEAD. YOU HAVE BEEN ADVISED' and. i just kind of whimpered in envy, not because i knew that it'd be brilliant (i don't even know who it is, except whole respecting the linker thing), but just because of the very -possibility- that it was and it wasn't publically accessible upsets me. *laughs* i'm an intelli-communist, what can i say ^^;
    EDIT - and okay, it's seri, that makes sense. siiigh. much with the extremely biased selection method here, again. ><
    although, wheeeee!! this way i found out seri has her own website now!..!..!!! *swoons*

Comments

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

i just realized that i believe in the essential public value of what i'm doing. not having a fandom journal, not the hp meta, but just this very act of thoughtful public discussion. i feel i'm taking part in something great, by sharing my thoughts with whoever would like to see them-- something new and old and exciting.

And that's why I love the internet! There IS something exciting about exchanging ideas. I tend to be drawn to boards and people who want to get into detailed discussions of ideas and characters. Sometimes I get surprised when I stumble into a more "chatty" place where it's all about "nice-nice" for lack of a better word. I suck in those places--I always come across as mean or something. Because I'm more interested in ideas first, people second. People I "like" on the net are always people who have interesting things to say about whatever topic we're talking about and I go from there.

But then there's the kind of attitude that spare_change mentions that's also real, where everything's more personal. It would never occur to me, for instance, to be offended by a friends-only journal (I know you weren't offended here--just riffing on that idea) but some people are. I usually assume they've done it for some perfectly good reason that doesn't concern me at all. Even if they were using their filters to talk about me...that would be their right. Sometimes you just want to talk freely about something/one who bothers you and there's no reason to talk to their face.

I hadn't thought about the FW aspect that sc brought up at first. I wrote something on my lj once, I remember, about being surprised at people called wanky for talking too much about the new PoA pictures and I thought, "But isn't this what fandom is ABOUT?" I realize many people think it's silly that I do like to critique fanfic or children's books in such detail but that's what makes me part of a fandom by definition. Sadly, a lot of good stuff probably gets friends-locked because they worry nobody wants to read it rather than too many people do!

It's the same way about crit for me, btw. One person I really like in LOTR fandom I met because I was literally ranting about one of her fics and then it turned out somebody invited her into this thread where I was doing it. Had I been talking to her I'd have been more diplomatic, but I'd still praised the things I liked etc. To my surprise, she was fine with it, thought (correctly) that my crit showed that I took the thing seriously and it was effective and she appreciated the pov (I was mostly ranting about OOCness). I was surprised because wow--a real writer! She actually cares about her work and wants to make it better. It was very refreshing!

Now, I don't mind arguing with someone who disagrees with my crit but some fics do probably have an army of defenders who aren't helpful, they just tell you you're wrong. After too much of that I can definitely see not wanting to open a discussion to just anybody. There are some big fics I like, some I tried and didn't like. Sometimes it's helpful to talk about what you don't like in a fic--as were your thoughts about DiD. It clarifies your own thoughts.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

hee. yeah. if there's one person in the whole fandom who has an almost identical mindset about this, i knew it'd be you :D :D
i'm rather sensitive by nature (in terms of taking most things personally), but the difference is, i don't feel -aggressively- sensitive-- as in, i must -lash out- at the things that bother me, instead of analyze them like i did with DiD. sometimes i -do- feel like panning a fic and making fun of it-- if i totally have zero respect for the writer. that happens. but i feel stupid, like i'm wasting time ranting about something so obviously of lesser quality, you know?

there are in fact fics i HATE and any discussion about them is going to be emotional because i just CAN'T STAND them-- just as there are fics i utterly -adore-, though with the ones i adore, i can usually be inspired to even greater heights of passionate analysis. hee. this isn't common, but that's what i do. i don't -rationally- analyze, generally, but i passionately analyze all the time, with say, maya's or aja's fics, because i -feel- them as much as understand them. and i -feel- negatively if what i understand is... antithetical to me somehow. sometimes that happens. like that fic that inspired my "love isn't a weakness" rant. i also had that reaction to the writer's other fic, "ruses". it has a harry that needs "time away" from draco in order to "sort out his feelings" and become his own person. the blunt, unsubtle way it was just -thrown- at me -totally- ruffled my feathers because i just don't believe that at all. i mean, i can dig philosophies i don't agree with, but when they get pushed at me, i feel sick. i do like her writing a lot, but i feel like yelling about it even now. though i restrain myself, usually ^^;
and even if i yelled, it wouldn't be a flame, 'cause i can't help going into detail and explaining myself ad nauseam and so on~:)

there -are- fics i just -hate- and they're not -badfic- exactly, it's just-- i don't know why i even READ them and i don't respect the intelligence of anyone who really loves them. like, `perfect imperfection'. *SHUDDER*

hee. sometimes i get rather personal too, is what i'm saying. we're all human, and i'm just meeker and with a larger tendency to explain myself and be thorough and overly open-minded than most ^^

and, and btw.
this is totally out of thin air, but um.... i'm rather desperate and. um. i thought of you and it seemed to really -make sense-, so. um. i'm writing these sorta-serious post-ootp fics (one h/d, one not really), and i'd wondered if you would... erm... look them over and/or beta them or something... whatever degree you'd be comfortable with, after i'm done.
hee. you could be as mean as you want~:)

[sistermagpie.livejournal.com]

LOL! That's exactly what I do. There are some fics that I hate and I just have to rant about them all the time! Like this one fic upset me so much because it just presented this idea that was awful to me--like just as you needed to say LOVE ISN'T WEAKNESS I had to say...well, I haven't gotten it down to a few words yet. I think I could have been more rational if I was just discussing it as an idea but reading the fic was like having it done to me, or done to one of my favorite characters, which is just as bad, while the universe generally approved. On one hand I was happy to admit that this was a subject I felt passionately about for whatever reason, but on the other hand I still think I could objectively argue my opinion was right. ::shudder:: When people tried to defend it it wasn't even that they loved the fic it was more that it just didn't completely offend them and I was all like, "BUT HOW COULD YOU NOT BE HORRIED BY THIS IN PRINCIPLE?!" Yeah, I get that way sometimes.:-)

look them over and/or beta them or something... whatever degree you'd be comfortable with, after i'm done. hee. you could be as mean as you want~:)

That's totally flattering! I've never done that before. My only worries are that 1. I'm a terrible proofreader (I am mocked about this at work) and 2. I don't know what feedback is the most helpful to you. But if you give me an idea I'd be glad to give it a go!:-)

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

heee. have you noticed that people generally only get offended by things like various sexual kinks and nazi!riddle and underage sexuality?? *growls*
yah, more abstract idealistic things as well as horrible awful characterization issues rarely offend people. like... say... i suppose `perfect imperfection' isn't a -bad- fic, per se, if you accept its characterizations. i mean, it's still over-the-top and such, but okay. but NO, HARRY WOULD NEVER BE LIKE THAT, HOW EVIL IS THAT, NO!!!!

hee.
*coughs*
and conversely, i love maya's and silvia's and ivy's stories probably partly 'cause i empathize with the way their characters see the world, those quirky little idealistic things you can surmise. which is why i think i can be friends with my favorite writers, 'cause obviously we have things in common, hehehe. not that i -couldn't- be friends with people whose writing i -don't- like, but it certainly helps to "dig" it on some deeper level.

which is why i'd want you to read my fic. 'cause, like... you understand what i say on that "i dig" level but you always aren't me (which helps! less bias = good!) and you strike me as an intelligent person with a very good grasp of characterization (which i'm most wibbly about, since i can fix my style errors after i come back after a few days. though my regular beta is great with style errors, it's fine, it's not pressing, i can whip myself into shape, too. eventually. maybe.

in other words, i can proofread~:)
i'm a -bit- iffy with commas, but i wouldn't feel bad sending it out to the public and one day rewriting if all i worried about was grammar.
mostly...
does this-that-the-other aspect of the plot make sense? do the actions of the characters make sense? is it fragmented, is it too rambly, do i need to say this/this/or-this, do i need more elaboration here/here/here, should i be more concise here-or-here, do you want more info on -this-, is my draco the suckiest draco that ever lived, is it too much smut, is the smutty bit over-the-top, would they ever do that, does their relationship make sense, does the concept behind the fic make sense, does it have good flow, are my sentences clunky and hard to understand (where?), am i rambling too much, should i have more physical detail or less, should i cut some things entirely, do you find my harry believable, does the fic seem "canon" for a 6-year fic (which is what i'm writing)... and stuff, stuff, stuff~:)

whatever occurs, really~:)