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reenka*random paranoia*
wah. being online is a weird business. people talk and make friends and are "in" and there's like these tiny bubbles, like mini-universes, and then there are the Watchers, the Lurkers, who observe. we (they?) don't like to pander to the Lurker's (prurient?) interests, so they lock away their Wisdom and hide their trails of cookie-crumbs.
it boggles the mind, doesn't it?
there are all these brilliant things people are saying, and we can't -see- them, we (the Watchers). will never -know-.
in real life, it's like this too. there are hoards of knowledge and wisdom never discovered, endless amounts of people whose words and art will never reach us. we don't even know who they are. and maybe that's why so many of us live happily, because we never really know each other's true brilliance, since all we tend to say to each other is "hello" and "will you pass the salt".
but on livejournal, i myself kind of -know- who the brilliant ones are. i've read their fic, seen their comments or maybe their public posts. i know if they have something to say, it's likely to be well-informed and in-depth, or at least entertaining. it's the real -life- of the fandom. but it's still hidden, locked away, even what seems to be links to just meta discussion, and this just makes me sad.
by inclination, i just watch. i got to -know- most people just by reading their public lj posts and their publically-posted fiction-- without that fodder, there would -be- no fandom, for me, anyway.
and it's like, they're -too- brilliant, and they must hide away as in monasteries, retire to a hidden black-curtained room where real, honest discussion could take place.
i mean, i understand about making diaries private-- the very -nature- of diaries is to be private, about one's private life and fears and joys and emotions. that's not what i'm talking about.
i'm just a bit frustrated that the sort of vigorous intellectual discussion that i miss -so much- (so much!) in this fandom is of course, also most alive in these hidden channels. i have this feeling like intellectual discourse should be public by nature. there's just something so very... -free- about the exercise of reason itself. something that begs to be shared fearlessly to do justice to what is being said in the first place.
so what am i saying? nothing of use, which is why this is friends-locked. i'm not condemning anyone for anything, not feeling bad that -i- can't see these journals or the meta entries in particular-- i'm feeling bad that the public can't see them. while i have grown to have affection towards a number of you, i still feel like an outsider. i know i am. i'm part of the public in regards to pretty much every clique that exists-- the only difference is that most of the them/you/us would know me by name. "oh, reenka. she talks about meta all the time and i hear she writes cute h/d smut. a tad obsessive, isn't she. seems okay, though."
i just realized that i believe in the essential public value of what i'm doing. not having a fandom journal, not the hp meta, but just this very act of thoughtful public discussion. i feel i'm taking part in something great, by sharing my thoughts with whoever would like to see them-- something new and old and exciting. i don't know. it's like, i -grow-, watching the twists and turns these same concepts take in other's handling. and the more contributors the better, if someone has something to say. these are, at heart, always very large issues (well, in meta-talk, anyway). no one can ever encompass it all at once, so i myself kind of feed off what other people that i respect are saying.
and i suppose i could befriend everyone i respect the intelligence of, but well-- what can i say? i'm asocial, a hermit, shy, a tad paranoid, totally convinced most of Them have little real interest in getting to know me, plus i'm afraid of getting too involved with online friendships again. but the point is, it doesn't have to be about keeping high-level discussion between friends-- it's much more freeing to think of it being out there. and if one is misunderstood, one can -explain-. i don't know.
this is all silly, anyway. i'm just particularly partial to the minds of several people who're -particularly- well-known for being recluses and shy of the limelight and so on. a bit frustrating though.
it's just.... a link to this post said, `WARNING: ACADEMIC-FLAVORED SUPERMETA INTELLIWHINGING AHEAD. YOU HAVE BEEN ADVISED' and. i just kind of whimpered in envy, not because i knew that it'd be brilliant (i don't even know who it is, except whole respecting the linker thing), but just because of the very -possibility- that it was and it wasn't publically accessible upsets me. *laughs* i'm an intelli-communist, what can i say ^^;
EDIT - and okay, it's seri, that makes sense. siiigh. much with the extremely biased selection method here, again. ><
although, wheeeee!! this way i found out seri has her own website now!..!..!!! *swoons*
wah. being online is a weird business. people talk and make friends and are "in" and there's like these tiny bubbles, like mini-universes, and then there are the Watchers, the Lurkers, who observe. we (they?) don't like to pander to the Lurker's (prurient?) interests, so they lock away their Wisdom and hide their trails of cookie-crumbs.
it boggles the mind, doesn't it?
there are all these brilliant things people are saying, and we can't -see- them, we (the Watchers). will never -know-.
in real life, it's like this too. there are hoards of knowledge and wisdom never discovered, endless amounts of people whose words and art will never reach us. we don't even know who they are. and maybe that's why so many of us live happily, because we never really know each other's true brilliance, since all we tend to say to each other is "hello" and "will you pass the salt".
but on livejournal, i myself kind of -know- who the brilliant ones are. i've read their fic, seen their comments or maybe their public posts. i know if they have something to say, it's likely to be well-informed and in-depth, or at least entertaining. it's the real -life- of the fandom. but it's still hidden, locked away, even what seems to be links to just meta discussion, and this just makes me sad.
by inclination, i just watch. i got to -know- most people just by reading their public lj posts and their publically-posted fiction-- without that fodder, there would -be- no fandom, for me, anyway.
and it's like, they're -too- brilliant, and they must hide away as in monasteries, retire to a hidden black-curtained room where real, honest discussion could take place.
i mean, i understand about making diaries private-- the very -nature- of diaries is to be private, about one's private life and fears and joys and emotions. that's not what i'm talking about.
i'm just a bit frustrated that the sort of vigorous intellectual discussion that i miss -so much- (so much!) in this fandom is of course, also most alive in these hidden channels. i have this feeling like intellectual discourse should be public by nature. there's just something so very... -free- about the exercise of reason itself. something that begs to be shared fearlessly to do justice to what is being said in the first place.
so what am i saying? nothing of use, which is why this is friends-locked. i'm not condemning anyone for anything, not feeling bad that -i- can't see these journals or the meta entries in particular-- i'm feeling bad that the public can't see them. while i have grown to have affection towards a number of you, i still feel like an outsider. i know i am. i'm part of the public in regards to pretty much every clique that exists-- the only difference is that most of the them/you/us would know me by name. "oh, reenka. she talks about meta all the time and i hear she writes cute h/d smut. a tad obsessive, isn't she. seems okay, though."
i just realized that i believe in the essential public value of what i'm doing. not having a fandom journal, not the hp meta, but just this very act of thoughtful public discussion. i feel i'm taking part in something great, by sharing my thoughts with whoever would like to see them-- something new and old and exciting. i don't know. it's like, i -grow-, watching the twists and turns these same concepts take in other's handling. and the more contributors the better, if someone has something to say. these are, at heart, always very large issues (well, in meta-talk, anyway). no one can ever encompass it all at once, so i myself kind of feed off what other people that i respect are saying.
and i suppose i could befriend everyone i respect the intelligence of, but well-- what can i say? i'm asocial, a hermit, shy, a tad paranoid, totally convinced most of Them have little real interest in getting to know me, plus i'm afraid of getting too involved with online friendships again. but the point is, it doesn't have to be about keeping high-level discussion between friends-- it's much more freeing to think of it being out there. and if one is misunderstood, one can -explain-. i don't know.
this is all silly, anyway. i'm just particularly partial to the minds of several people who're -particularly- well-known for being recluses and shy of the limelight and so on. a bit frustrating though.
it's just.... a link to this post said, `WARNING: ACADEMIC-FLAVORED SUPERMETA INTELLIWHINGING AHEAD. YOU HAVE BEEN ADVISED' and. i just kind of whimpered in envy, not because i knew that it'd be brilliant (i don't even know who it is, except whole respecting the linker thing), but just because of the very -possibility- that it was and it wasn't publically accessible upsets me. *laughs* i'm an intelli-communist, what can i say ^^;
EDIT - and okay, it's seri, that makes sense. siiigh. much with the extremely biased selection method here, again. ><
although, wheeeee!! this way i found out seri has her own website now!..!..!!! *swoons*
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meep!
Date: 2003-08-22 05:02 pm (UTC)i wasn't really meaning to say that i think everyone's talking meta all the time behind closed doors, that's sort of silly, and i also know enough to know that's not true (personal lj's are just that, and i really don't make a practice of friending them because of this).
so, um....
well. it's strange, the weird little line between knowing someone enough to like them and yet not knowing them -personally- and yet kind of... knowing you'd like to know more. that's kinda how i am with a lot of people. it's not really about them being "fandom" people, y'know? like, if i like what someone has to say, that means i consider them intelligent and i'd want to read a whole range of things that they'd have to say. i don't consider people to be "fandom people" vs. "non-fandom people", i just consider them people, and if i like them, i just like them.
so... back in the day (heh) i used to visit your lj (and aspen's) as one of the ones that i didn't friend but read anyway, but it wasn't that i liked the -fandomy- aspect, i just kind of... liked it. usually that's how it goes. very few people's journals qualify as the sort of "fandom-discussion journal" i'm looking for, anyway. like,
i wouldn't have friended you for a fantasy of some intelli-slasher haven, trust me. i've read the notices that you've left the fandom, and so on~:) i think i just... since there's no way to skim anymore-- wanted to maybe get to know you better 'cause i liked you before. that's all ^^;
i realize that's not how most other people work-- that there's this division of "fandomy" and "non-fandomy" and people wanting fandom-babble and having fandom-friendships and fandom-lives, but i don't. it's more to do with the person doing the babbling-- and if the babble is intelligent, that reflects on the person, and thus i like them, and so on ><
thus i was wibbly. about friending you, especially without explanation, -knowing- it's not a fandom journal. but even so. er. i meant that to mean i like what i know of you, not that i expect you to be the new intelli-guru or a fandom person~:) *meeps*
Re: meep!
WHAT? WHY THE HELL NOT?? >:O ARE YOU SAYING I AM NOT BRILLIANT ENOUGH TO BE HEAD INTELLI-GURU?
Re: meep!
Date: 2003-08-22 05:22 pm (UTC)the title is yours for the taking, man.
*proffers crown*
i respect the like-minded wallflowers among us, but er... great be the greatness of those who rise to the challenge and carry the torch of brilliance to enlighten the plebey masses >:D
Re: meep!
Again, thank you.
**points to AIM username on infopage** :-*
Re: meep!
*points at info page*
i do -sometimes- show up. and then i wind up talking for hours and not doing anything else and it's scary. livejournal is so much more... contained, somehow. but yeah, anyway ^^;
thank -you- :D you were totally cool about my rampant fangirl behavior. *shame*
*giggles*
*hides*
Re: meep!
Date: 2003-09-06 02:30 am (UTC)Re: meep!
Date: 2003-09-06 12:01 pm (UTC)i do compulsively check the memories if i look at anything to do with a journal... i dunno what it is... snoopiness or just some sort of respectable desire to get to the good bits >:D
Re: meep!
Date: 2003-09-06 01:18 pm (UTC)