*spazzes*

[reenka]

*has attack of random angst*

waaaahhhhhh. there are probably two things that get me to want to tear out my hair and wail at the slightest intimation of them, while any other jibe is fine with me: someone thinking i'm not sane in some way, and someone saying i don't make sense in writing (*coughs* maybe that's connected). if an intelligent-seeming person just doesn't get what i'm saying, obviously i just can't express myself in normal english. which doesn't make -sense-, because why does anyone tell me i am eloquent if it's so... so... hit-and-miss, and sometimes i make sense and sometimes i don't? how does -that- work? what does that mean? i make equal amounts of sense to -myself- and...

and this guy on armchair_slash (the mailing list) just -offhandedly- says my prose was "fairly broken" and he wasn't sure he understood (in a post i wrote in reply to his) and i'm like, oh god. my prose is broken(?!?!?!) and. what does he mean, broken? is this "broken"? and if it's broken, why is it so broken it's not just that it's annoying or frustrating to read, but near-incomprehensible to someone who -should- be able to deduce meaning even if it's obscured by phrasing? so um. is it broken? how often is my prose broken? do people just not tell me 'cause they're polite?

i feel like yes, i do over-complexify my insane run-on sentences (i don't mean to), just... i can see how the meaning could get lost in some sort of flood of extraneous words. someone told me that they don't comment because my word-use is intimidating. people -have- often said i'm confusing. but being confusing is one thing. having my prose be -broken- is a value judgement that says i have some sort of -issue- with expressing myself on some basic level, not that what i'm expressing is just wackt.
    i just want someone to tell me the truth, or something. but the truth may very well be contradictory, of course. someone on lj (a rather logical thinker, i think) once said i made no sense whatsoever and implied i had issues articulating myself at all, and then when i reiterated more carefully, said i apparently -can- be articulate if i wanted to (well, he also seemed to like me more at that point. people are weird.) but it's not when i want to, because usually i don't try to control it one way or the other, so. gah.

Comments

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

*meeps*
*hugs*!!
heeeee. *hearts your evil malicious teddybear icon*

yeah, um. i'm just sensitive about that (though it -was- just a small flare-up, i didn't like, angst about it all day or anything. *laughs*), but yah, he just sort of mentioned it. not that he's the only one, that's what kind of gets to me (i mean, there's zoshak... and others i can't think of right now). but i mean, i don't expect anyone to be an impromptu beta or anything, you know. though it would be nice ><

but yes. i think it's more me than him, with my sore spot and insecurity about making no sense because i'm secretly So Weird I Make A Sane, Logical Person's Brain Fry. though that might be an accomplishment, actually~:)

*hugs*!
heeee. i'll just bring all my fics in hard-copy when i see you and make you read them in real-time :)))) *evil grin*
hope you're having fun in mongolia with all the horse's milk and the nomads, btw >:D<

(yes, i'll never stop it with the mongolia, yes.)

[ishuca.livejournal.com]

:sulks at you:

isn't in mongolia. is in japan.

though not for very much longer. mwah!

and if you want, you can. i'd love to read them hard copy (you could do the same with PoL, too! ;P). as long as i have some colored pens nearby.... :DD

and that's good you didn't angst for long. he was a shit for going about it the way he did. by the way, who did you get as a new beta?

:writhes in jealousy:

:hugs:

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

heee. yah, i think i knew that, actually ^^;;
*meeps* about japan, i mean. hee. holes? brain? what? hee.

i'm on a mad writing spree, though. any holes in my brain are entirely because the leakage is worse than usual~:) this last one actually has a plot, too (*gasp!*). i don't know how -that- happened. well, yes i do. it was one of those plots that come to me so of course i don't know what to do with them and leave them alone for months in embryonic form with barely any fleshing out beyond the premise. and then i'm avoiding writing something else and so i return to it and boom! realize that my trusty old trick of combining bits and pieces of different embryonic stories would work with such-and-such in particular, so off i go. this is probably turning out about as long as `one good reason' except it looks like it'll actually be -finished-.

whoa.

-aaaand- the fic i was -avoiding- is about as long. though not so much with the plot. both of them are post-ootp, though, which is weird, since i had been avoiding post-ootp statements like the plague.
and er... *giggles* no beta. no one offered except that random person, though i did ask kind of offhandedly. still though, 144 people on my friends-of list, etc. you'd -think-, wouldn't you. they all secretly think i suck, eheheheheeh >:D<
ok, well, addictedkitten offered so -she- doesn't think i secretly suck-- or rather, she said she -would- except she'd suck as my beta. which is probably true. heee. i don't trust almost anyone to be right except you, but i'm sure i wouldn't reject some people, ehehehe. but those are probably the ones with the bigger load of stuff. or something.

i've also realized that i'm doomed.
'cause lasair sorta-kinda once said she'd beta (i -think-) if i ever wrote a wip, buuuttt, i don't think that's my style. if i wrote a 500k manuscript, i'd write it all at once, probably, which makes it a non-wip, just a really long-ass fic. i mean, you can theoretically write 300 pages if you worked non-stop for a month for like, 8 hours a day only sleeping for 4 or something, right? well, i'd be like that, if i knew exactly what i had to write. i hate that buzzy feeling of "i know what to write" and not -doing- it. it's like swallowing stones all the time.

*hugs*
and what did i ramble about -now-? i don't even know o_0

[ishuca.livejournal.com]

well, yes, but i'm travelling all over. so i forgive you. (mongolia indeed)

god, mad writing spree... i haven't read -anything- new in the fandom (though i did bring some old fics with me on my computer for comfort) and only read OotP once and am feeling very distanced. wah! :sniffles:

i shall have to read your new stuff when i get back, right after i (ugh) read OotP again.

:beats you: you must have a beta! no offhanded asking, now! ask for real, and if that doesn't work search someone out! rawr! :shakes you:

and las would definitely be a good beta, but you're right, i can't see you writing a WiP. and yes, you can. just look at idiotparade and the fic she wrote for the SSFQF. i mean, my -god-.

i missed a chance to write because of timing, but it's no real loss, i suppose. the real experience i was having was well worth the inability to write. -you- should definitely go to nara one summer, when they are having the candle festival again. candles at night, covering the ground and water. -amazing-

:hugs back:

stuff. we're both good at that.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

hehehehe. i need a beta, huh. *giggles* that's funny considering how many fics you'd said don't -need- a beta 'cause they're um...... not serious enough. *laughs*

well, see, the people i'd -want- to beta me, i'd be intimidated asking, and stuff. heee.
who would you recommend? we sort of know the same people, right? and i don't want a -permanent- beta, anyway, 'cause i have one. *grins* and i'm not letting you off the hook! *laughs evilly*

i feel disconnected just not reading my -friends page- for a week. i can only -imagine- doing it for -weeks- and...stuff.
i'd be surprised if anyone remembers me after a month. *laughs* or if i still have even half of the same people watching ><;;

but yeah.
this is not so bad. i mean.... if you'll have intermittent email access for this half a year, it won't be too bad~:) for me, anyway. and i'm the one that counts, of course >:D<

and wheeeeee! i'm -seeing- lasair this september..!.!..!!
i can't believe how many of my friends i've seen! it's ridiculous!! waaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!
one day. one day, even if i have to wait 5 years, i'll see amalin, too. then my fandom life will be complete, and i could move to england and become a hermit. heeeee.

i keep re-reading bits of stuff i wrote and thinking, omg, i -wrote- that? i sound like i know what i'm doing!! omg!! wild!
hee.
i used to go for -months-, a year or more, without writing a story. and now, if i don't write for a few weeks, i start to feel like i'm just taking up space or something.
but this is when one realizes one must get -out- of the house and -do- something~:)
even if that something involves spending money one doesn't have and getting new pants.

i mean, pants have -nothing- to do with the redemption of draco malfoy. *snorts* it's a wonderful thing >:D<

i'm -thinking- that if i do write a long-ass fic, i can cut it up and -release- it as a wip, 'cause those things get more comments, man. COMMENTS!!!

my record is what, 18? for my harry/cho fic!! *weeeeeps*!

why is my harry/cho stuff so popular (well, it -is- ff.net, but still)?? WHY GOD, WHY?!? i posted my stupidstupidawfulhorrible harry/cho + draco fic and it's got what, 11 comments? in 2 months. that's a lot for me. I hate it. hate thinking, "omg, so-and-so has more comments than me, even -soandso- has more comments than me, I MUST SUCK!!! >:O" *sigh* but then i -do- get more comments and i -rage- because people are so -stupid- as to like a stupid fic.
there is no winning ^^;
hee ~:)