[I don't believe we can resist the things that make no sense...]

[reenka]

You know, this is really odd-- kind of mind-boggling, even-- for me to admit, but: just because I don't -identify- myself with any social group or time period, (early lj) HP fandom included, it doesn't mean I'm not actually included.
    I mean, it annoys me so much when people say stuff like 'but why do you care about ancient history, you losers' partly for idealistic 'but history is important, asshole!!' sort of reasons, yeah, but the main reason is-- the main reason is that it's my history too. I was part of that fandom-- I was there, I knew these people, they knew (at least of) me, and I felt... I guess I felt I belonged. So it matters because I was enough of a loser to get involved and stay involved up till now, even though I haven't really 'moved on' in the sense of joining another fandom -or- really participating in the HP fandom as it stands. In that sense, I -myself- am a pointless remnant the same way some pointless story about old-time BNFs is.

I mean, I reread Bec's 'H(x)/D(x) = x^3 sec(x)' even though I couldn't care less about whatever 'goodfic' is going around H/D circles now, say-- and it means so much more to me than 'just a fic', because I read it back before I had a coherent idea of 'oh, it's intelli' or a 100% solid grasp of the H/D cliches it mentioned-- I read it raw and starry-eyed, not yet inured to the 'tricks' of fanfic or sharp little references to snarling boysex against a wall. And that sort of thing never seems to leave me. Now, I can almost tell what the 'real' fic looks like, trying to cut away my ancient bias like an appendix, but it won't... quite... go. I think it's still a good fic, but if you look at it now, you won't understand it, I think, what it -felt- like to read it for a style-whorish H/D-obsessed fangirl in 2002, because it was basically written the -very month- I started reading HP & H/D.

I mean, in the end, it was coincidence-- I just -happened- to have my first contact with H/D be eleveninches'/Durendal's website, and I just -happened- to read her generous links page to Aja & Ivy & Rhysenn & Penelope (the Veelas & various H/D + intelli associates, et al) immediately afterwards because Durendal was a Veela. So I saw-- I imprinted-- I fangirled. That's basically how it went.

And I ask myself now-- honestly-- would I care if this was some wank history about the Buffy fandom or even HP history I hadn't participated in, like something actually recent or from 2000/HP4GU-era? Probably not, you know? I wouldn't care how exciting/shocking the wank is, how the truth finally came out, whatever-- it only matters 'cause it ifluenced the course of what was once my fandom. My turf, y'know? Even though now that seems kind of funny and sad.

Comments

[blacksatinrose.livejournal.com]

It's true, it's true, and that's actually a very good comparison.

AND YOU ARE RIGHT, I... don't think I could take myself seriously HAVING FLAME WARS WITH MYSELF. Although I roleplay with myself all the time? I mean I think part of it would require you to think of fandom as a big chessboard/some other game instead of really thinking about the fact that there are other people involved. Which is why, I guess, people keep saying it shows a near sociopathic level of manipulativeness and amorality, although I tend to think of it more as Narcissism or Hysterial PD. But I took psychopathology like, a while ago so I couldn't really swear I'm remembering the definitions correctly.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

...When you said that about roleplaying with yourself, I thought... hahaha I do that all the time! When I write! *snorfle*



....btw, the Lucifer comic is still Very Good :9