(wild, violent and simple)

[reenka]

Fujio Eihiko (crouched by the wall): "Was such a thing as "love"... Yamazaki... was I imposing such a boring thing on you? I don't want kindness. Being kind, making me happy. Being a bastard and thinking of the woman. They all can come at the end. First and foremost, think about loving me, Yamazaki....

I always hid behind kindness and compassion.... Why did I leave this longing for you.... Why didn't I protect it... that feeling that I long for you."

It's not as glamorous as saying I love you. It's wild, violent and simple, but....

Yamazaki Kenji (somewhere on the road): "Fujio..."

The feeling that I love you is the most beautiful thing in my life.

"I haven't properly confessed to you...." I'm making it shine like a diamond by polishing it every day.

"Fujio... listen...." Anytime, anywhere, even if you're broken or if I'm a bastard.... "I, for you...." No matter how hard or anxious or jealous I become, the feeling of love is shining brighter....

    Koi ga Bokura wo Yurusu Hani [As Far As Love Permits Us], Motoni Modoru

I often think that love-stories are hardest for me to write. It's probably the thing that comes closest to breaking that old rule about being able to write what you know. It seems like the deeper it digs into one, the more essential it feels, the more vital it is that it is expressed in all its complexity and inanity and intensity and insanity, the more difficult it is to write about.

I don't want to write about sweetness-- that thing I see most often. It's not my dream to realize that vision of devotion and completion and lovingkindness. I don't want that. I wouldn't feel that, to that violent insane frustrating degree that drives me mad with the need to express it.

I've never even come close to expressing this, though. It sort of makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time, because-- because then I find it expressed, I see it done, exactly as I hoped I could one day do it, and it's so right... so completely recognizable, so completely a piece of myself, that I'm torn between utter joy and mad offers of any amount of babies, and sort of wanting to hurl myself off a cliff, because I've never come close, because my writing is so, so so far from this, and it means so much to me, it is my naked bleeding heart right there in these characters.

    Because that's it, that's it exactly-- love that isn't a creature of kindness. Being able to hide behind either kindness or cruelty to the beloved, either meaningless compared to the act of expressing love in whatever way is most natural, the act of loving being first and foremost, whatever form it takes. If only because loving is both and neither kind nor cruel-- "koi" love is desire, is longing, is needing. It can be kind, but that kindness can be cruel, and can so easily lie. In a sense, kindness would be too premeditated the way cruelty to the beloved could be. And that insincerity-- that dishonesty, most of all-- that would be the most cruel possible thing. The taking away of love.

And that's why I read. That's what my favorite stories do to me. Make me want to scream with both happiness and despair. And in some ways it's even funny, because I think in a sense I do love the story of that sort of violent and simple, wild love more than I love when I'm in love. But perhaps it's the same thing. I'm still not sure.

...All in all, I would have to say, one thing that's true is that right now this is my favorite love-story ever.

Comments

[djinniyah.livejournal.com]

...All in all, I would have to say, one thing that's true is that right now this is my favorite love-story ever.

Mine too. :)

*happy sigh*

(and the fact that you attempt to express it at least, i think would create more of a love-story than a thousand other people's who never even see it)

(...this is the moth thing, isn't it? oh, how we are slaves to our needing/yearning/annihilating conceptions of love)

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Eee, you've read it too?! :D :D *dances*
I'm like, painfully obsessed to the point where I'm rereading it (total heresy for me, ahahah). As an excuse, it's been like, 6 months since I'd read most of it ^^;; I've been sort of scared to finish it for awhile 'cause I mean... something could've gone Really Really Wrong and... I couldn't have handled that. At all. But omg, the ending!!! It couldn't have been more -perfect- :D I'm really still overwhelmed. Man. *siiiigh*

Though! I think it's like... the moth thing taken to a new & ultimate level, 'cause it's not fleeting... that was Fujio's fear, right, that if he let himself desire Kenji, it would end up temporary and disappear, and in the end, somehow the fleeting thing is cast in stone because... because it is so strong & they just fit so tightly and what with Kenji's capacity for obsessiveness & Fujio's stable devotedness, they're just like a pair of socks. Really cute socks. Man. I can't believe they... well, the chapel thing *____* Usually not my style, but by the time they got there I was totally with it. Ultimately, I mean, I want to see the permanence and impermanence sort of combined in an unholy (holy?) union. The security of constant insecurity, and so on :D

Well, I can't help but attempt to express it. It is my dooooom :D
One day! I can't help but -want-, to one day, finally, finally... possess it. In my art :>

And! Now I really want you to read my Big Bang/post-Hogwarts fic 'cause... that's the one that deals with the same themes. Except nowhere near as well, naturally :>

[djinniyah.livejournal.com]

Oh, no!! I haven't read that particular manga... I thought you were referring to those sorts of love stories in general and...

*giggles*

But I need to read it now, of course! (if you like it so much it must be beyond marvelous). Do you have zips of it?

One day! I can't help but -want-, to one day, finally, finally... possess it. In my art :> : AND YOU WILL. YOU COMPLETELY WILL. (and i adore and respect you so much for wanting to at all)

And I completely want to read your BB fic too! *covets* It would be like the flame to my moth (Ohhhh, the cheese. the cheese, Reena!). And, ohmygod, I want you to read mine (which of course, isn't finsihed or even close. but. EE. <--- rabbity explosion. I just fall all over myself each time I write it because... I want it too! That sort of love and hugeness and. THIS WILL KILL US YOU REALIZE. *burns*)

(damn you, you've gotten me all squeehyper! :D)

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Zips! Yes, HERE (http://www.streamload.com/elfee) in the 'Koi ga Bokura wo Yurusu Hani [y manga]' folder!! REEEEEAD!! >:D :D :D AND THEN THEN TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!!1 *tugs on sleeve frantically* I so want to know your opinion!! I totally know you will grok it like I do!! AND THE ART IS AMAZING! AMAZING I SAY! <3 *gibbers*

I WANT TO READ YOURS TOO :( :( :((!! I was thinking that when I looked at your latest comic/poem, that, I mean, I want to see even more of your words/ideas as well as paintings, sort of, to get a fuller picture... 'cause I liked those headers, teehee. I KNOW 'TIS LAME BUT TRUE.
I was all 'woe!' because if I don't finish before you go it'll be forever befor you can read it. :< I will try to hurry :< Though while I try to capture the omg consuming-love aspect of things, I end up with the destructive-lust end of things... argh, frustrating.

*IS ALSO HYPER!!1 AAAH KOIGA-SQUEEEEEEeeee!!1*

[djinniyah.livejournal.com]

Yay! *is downloading*

How exciting - it's been so long (since school and the glorious LAN connection actually) since I've downloaded manga, so... squee. This of course is going to take all day, but... *squees*

I WILL TELL YOU WHAT I THINK. PROMISE. ♥

And hopefully hopefully hopefully I'll get mine fully written before I go (otherwise... it'll just languish on my harddrive for months and that makes me really sad) and submit it to you guys. IT'S GOING TO BE SO LONG. The first four "mini"-chapters are like... 45 pages. *dies* And there are 30 planned mini-chapters. I AM GOING TO DIE.

And haha, you liked my headers! :D That makes me so randomly happy. I liked 'first. (the tree)' best and really wanted to put tree and autumn and seasonality symbolism throughout the whole thing, but it didn't really fit (the art was too minimalist). Me and my extended metaphors will destroy my soul one day. *is so whipped*

And omg, if you do not finish you can send me half. Or whatever. I will read and then die that I have to wait months to finish it. *is a masochist like that, quite obviously* And hey, consuming love, destructive lust... all the same ticket, you know. Or, well, it can be. :D And I myself haven't even gotten to anything close to love yet - am stuck in strange death-and-transformation places o_O - though, soon I will have emotional manipulation! Score. There will eventually be destructive lust, so, our Harrys and Dracos can have a foursome. H/D/H/D = ♥

AND I AM STILL HYPER DESPITE HAVING SLEPT. WOE.

!!!!!!!!!! *dies*

[djinniyah.livejournal.com]

Okay, so, um, read parts 1-7. And, well, the last picture in part 7 is, quite honestly, THE HOTTEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.

I KID YOU NOT.

Just. Yamazaki's shoulder and ass and the curve and the way you don't see Fujio's face and.

;ir;oijjiefajflkjfdlkzvmfdskafsjaf;lsdk

*dies*

SO HOT. I WOULD SELL MY SAD, SAD LITTLE SOUL TO BE ABLE TO DRAW THAT. *feels so inferior* Even if he were a girl he'd be hot and that amazes me. It's just... such a sexual, sexual way he's curving himself and pulling down his pants (from the back!!!!omg) and. and. and. EE.

Also: love the series thus far! :D I am (obviously) really enjoying the art, which is wonderful (good mangas with bad art make a jinn very sad). and the story!! I am in love with Yamazaki. Truly and madly. He's so wicked and selfish and unselfish and beautiful and artistic (!!!) and SO EVIL OMG.

"Tell me you love me." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *dies*

*dies again*

*is a cat, apparently*

*miaows like Fujio*

Now Fujio needs to have evil, nasty-man moments and I will die a happy, happy girl. Because... animosity (of a sort, in their case - they are friends, after all) and intensity just crackle when lust and love are involved.

:D :D :D!

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

YEAY!! >:D I knew you'd have to like Yamazaki <3 I mean, I've seen his 'type' so often, but I think in this case he transcends it and kind of completes it, sort of the way this whole series is a commentary on yaoi tropes and yaoi itself.....

BUT YES OMG I WORSHIP HER ART T_______T
Oh, the inking & the sleekness & the way she's not afraid of like, any kind of expression, and YES OMG SEX. Though I am still hung up on the intensity of chapter 11 smexing... you'll have to tell me when you get to it :D :D :D :D

Fujio is evil in a special Fujiolike way, heheh. I think the way he doesn't let Yamazaki be evil is evil in itself, kinda :D But I mean, they're just hiding behind different things, kinda-- because Yamazaki is so mean, but he's mostly mean to himself, and Fujio is kind, but nearly never to himself, so it's all kind of twisted.
HEEEE. Oh Fujio!miaows <3 That in itself is perverse 'cause Yamazaki's the cat & Fujio's totally the dogboy. *nodnod*

Finished it!

[djinniyah.livejournal.com]

Woot.

All finished except for the 'side story,' which I am currently downloading.

:D It was so... cute! Yay.

Some more serious thoughts: the idea of being 'filled up' with someone (which might be a strange translation or a literal one... but a nice one, at any rate) is so, so appealing to my love-aesthetic (or whatever the fuck it is). The repetition of longing. Ee.

Awesome line:
After randomstalkerguykatsumi says, "are you crying?"
Fujio: "what if I am?"

!!!

And: all of Yamazaki. He is a very recognizable 'type' of character, yes. The pretty, bitchy, spoilt, cruel, petulant, sensual uke-type... and yet, he completely isn't. I mean, he is, but. It is like a commentary on yaoi (at the beginning the translator, i think, mentioned the real definition - the purposeless, the lack of climax and there's a sort of ringing-true moment there when you think about the utter hopelessness of this [fujio and yamazaki's] sort of love - its totality. no peaking, no waning, consuming). He is all these things and yet he somehow breaks them all, is fleshed out. He tops (!!!! That makes me happy like you can't believe), he's not just 'gay' (a lot of ukes I've run across are 'only gay' [or... whatever. don't exactly understand it myself] while the seme is more 'straight'), he's masculine sometimes, he's unselfish, he's... Ah. So much love for Yamazaki.

And as for Fujio... he also transcends his character type (the unassuming, sweet, too-kind and yet self-deprecating, slighty doofy guy) when he loses his unaffectedness. When he longs. A lot of times, his character-type only ever really... loves. You know, like, sweetly and adoringly and such-a-pretty-uke-let-me-molest-you-ly. But, Fujio acquires the emotional traits of Yamazaki's stereotype, to some degree - the almost-depression of love, the yearning and "being broken" and... that's nice too. :)

So, yes. Enjoyed the manga, obviously. The art was consistently fabulous. The expressions!!!! YES!!!! Yamazaki and Reiko (who I actually liked - a bizarre thing for me. I almost never like female characters in anime/manga) had the best of the expressions. The smirks and smiles and those intense, evil looks. ;> Yessss. *loves*

And (again) the last picture in chapter seven. !!!!. Still floors me and makes be blush like a schoolgirl. I want to... post it in my journal. And then keep looking at it. Endlessly. Make a shrine for the definition of "hot" because... well, that's what it is, quite honestly. GAH.

♥

yeay! :D

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

It is sort of disturbingly cute, isn't it :D In retrospect, that's probably my favorite marriage scene/type ever :D :D Oh Yamazaki, the recalcitrant bride...groom :)) And somehome it wasn't any more over-the-top than the rest of it :> Then again, if Fujio didn't do that, he might have done something drastic, like chain him to the bed... ^^;;;

That whole chapter-- with the filling up-- sort of obsesses me, because of its lie/truth thing and lying about who you are and Fujio -knowing- Yamazaki's lying and it not mattering... well, this is what I meant about this expressing the exact thing I tried writing about with my H/D. Not so much that Draco (or Yamazaki) have a mask as that there's this capacity for self-destructiveness through a weird mixture of misplaced loyalty and self-protectiveness. Ahhhhh <3 And it just killed me that Fujio -knew- but he didn't. And when he realized that kindness was beside the point I just-- wah. I think it's the yin-yang thing that makes me happy-- the way that sort of represents both their personalities (balance) and the relationship they finally achieve. Ahhh.

The 'almost-depression of love'-- yes! I hadn't thought of it like that, but that's what it is, isn't it. I think that it's the lack of trust and the sort of selfishness inherent in it, where you can't let yourself fully see the other, because you want to possess him too much, so you can't help but feel lonely, 'cause no possession is ever -enough-. But ahhhh, Yamazaki's just kind of painfully recognizable even as he's... himself. I think initially, I imagined Draco kind of like that. *facepalm* Fanon!Draco used to be like that, at least somewhat... but never in such fine form. I mean, he sort of latched on to Fujio before he ever spoke to him, for no good reason except... longing. See, this makes me think if romantic love in the traditional sense is similarly hopeless-- similarly not about happiness or even happy endings but rather the sort of wasting away and the transformation of desire, ala the Arthurian model.

The thing I really like about Yamazaki's topping is that it's not just a reversal-- it's just a filling out. Like, I can think of examples where it's the -uke- who's straighter (usually an older teacher or something), but he's just... heheheh beastly yet vulnerable ♥

I liked Reiko too! It was odd yet a relief. It would've been horrible if I couldn't like her, considering the large role she has. And man, I'm still not sure if she & Yamazaki are broken up :))
You should post it! And spread the Koiga obsession! That -was- a really powerful image, since I can still envision it clearly without even looking. Yamazaki's so... so much of a performer. Not like it's 'an act', but he's just always acting, except when he's not. Ahhhh, ♥♥♥