[never surrender]

[reenka]

...They really will have to pry this pairing from my cold dead body, won't they. Should I just accept it? No, you see, you are Reena and this is them, and they can't move on. Move on? They can't. No.

No, you see, I can see it so clearly now. It's all about-- well, you think you can move on, and you -do-, you do... life goes on, it does, and you grow up and it becomes stupid, really, these attachments. You can see right through them, to the old you, and what were you thinking. You don't know anymore. You want to laugh at yourself. It's funny. You and -him-? Please.

And then, but. But. Well. Then it comes back. And it's like, you're -over- it, so it makes no sense to anyone (most of all yourself), because you have a life now, and you're not That Person. That stupid clingy needy obsessive person, you're not like that anymore, but. Then it all comes back, he comes back, again and again, and you stand there by the door, even though the door is closed, you've closed it, and you breathe and you think 'it's him, I know it's him, and this door is closed for a reason', and then. And then you think of how you like your life; how it's been okay, living like this, and you like your sanity and you like being comfortable with who you are and maybe it's not what you've Always Wanted but that's a stupid dream anyway. A stupid dream and you're not stupid or fifteen anymore. You're not fifteen, that's the point.

Because he knows you too well and he doesn't know you nearly enough. It's not like you can ever really be friends, not really, and you realize that now, and you can deal with it, and that's what grown-ups do, they realize these things and they move on, and it's all right. We all do this. It's all right not to live like a desperate angry teenager when you have no time for that anymore. That's what one -does-.

And then you just look at him, really look the way you hadn't allowed yourself for awhile, you remember, and it's stupid, you think, you're stupid. He's bad for you. He's the worst. He's the worst ever, ever, ever. You couldn't hug him without secretly wanting to crush him, and what kind of relationship is that? You can't go on like that, not when you're done, and you're supposed to have your real life starting now. It's over now. It's over.
    But it's never over. It'll never be over, not between you two. You could try to have understanding, and pity, and remorse and forgiveness and love, but in the end those are all lies. Lies you told yourselves because you were trying, really, and it was even easier that way. But both of you only know what it's like to need, even if you can't ever satisfy it. It is stronger than either of you, and you may as well, really. May as well call it love.
~~

Man, I really love Beeeb's Harry. And the way he broods about Voldemort, and the way flies into the sun, which yeah, captures a lot of the magic I see in HP. Or maybe I'm just obsessed with Harry flying and the landscape of castle & forest & lake, which... I know I am. And the way he sort of... has a presence.
    I also love the way he captures these scenes from GoF and the end of OoTP so vividly.

Also-- omg, I love Kazuma Kodaka T_T Her characters' expressions... waaaahhhhh T__T

Comments

[loftily.livejournal.com]

:((( OKAY, YES. And I've never read that before, I can't imagine why.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

I KNOW :((
AND IT'S NOT LIKE I WROTE ANY OF THIS FROM EXPERIENCE OR ANYTHING, UM.

♥
Damn me and my inability to ever get over anything. ^^;
But, I mean, I think I can just blame Aja's fics, since they really exist to drag me back every time :>

[loftily.livejournal.com]

And then you think of how you like your life; how it's been okay, living like this, and you like your sanity and you like being comfortable with who you are and maybe it's not what you've Always Wanted but that's a stupid dream anyway. A stupid dream and you're not stupid or fifteen anymore. You're not fifteen, that's the point.

God this makes me sad and happy at the same time, because it's like, they are the something more, the possibility, the something that would never be settling, in a way. It would always be a risk and always a chance and that's something, right there.

The looking, because that's always been it, hasn't it? They can't see each other, really see, and have everything be gone, because they aren't like that. Why do you always do this to me. I will blame Aja, too. :D

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

It's probably not an accident that all this not-obsessing-over-Potter basically translated into avoiding Potter and concentrating very hard on something else :))

But yes! Never settling. Something like...parts of them that could never smooth over, would always be rough and vulnerable and raw, and with the merest contact, it all flares, combusts. The past is always waiting for us, just like our fear and need is always one step ahead of us... And love and hate and need just creep into the tiniest corners, like salt in wounds... there are times it seems there's a remission, but that's exactly what it is, in the end-- a remission.

[bookshop.livejournal.com]

God this makes me sad and happy at the same time, because it's like, they are the something more, the possibility, the something that would never be settling, in a way. It would always be a risk and always a chance and that's something, right there.

:(( they are. :(( I was all wibbly reading this post because I have been there too, and with H/D it's like, I'm always, always, always turning away and then turning right back to them--which is exactly what they do to each other, I think.

Don't blame me! I blame Reena! And I don't even remember writing that fic!

[loftily.livejournal.com]

P.S. "This is us, Potter. We'll never be quits. Never." - Queen of Hearts

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

I knoooow, I was thinking of that exactly!! :D
That was probably my favorite line in the fic :>

[loftily.livejournal.com]

God, me too. I got to it and went, "Yes, yes," and it is probably one of my favorite lines from any H/D fic, because it is just, so, so right.

[bookshop.livejournal.com]

Me too. It gives me chills every time I hear/read it. :((

[loftily.livejournal.com]

Us and H/D, man, we'll never be quits! Never!

[bookshop.livejournal.com]

*channels Jack and Rose* We'll never let go!

[bookshop.livejournal.com]

I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER WRITING THAT FIC. O.o

[balfrog.livejournal.com]

and I'm not going to say NUTHIN, 'cause heheh I seem to push you off in the opposite direction.
:D

Go on, talk to Harry. it's all good.
:D

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Hehe your -icon- :D
The funny part is, that was me 'talking' to Draco :))
There ain't no way the Harry in my head was ever obsessed :)) Even now, yeah. ^^;

[balfrog.livejournal.com]

no, really??? I was sure it was Harry. O right- your Draco sort of lost interest. It's okay, right now I think he'll be happier being kept by his big goony friends.
:D

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

If by 'okay' you mean, 'er, well, so much for shipping H/D... man, I really do need to get back to writing original fic... to hell with Draco anyway' :))

(As far as I'm concerned ^^;)

[balfrog.livejournal.com]

part of you just wants to make the fangirls cry, don't it?
!wah!
(*sets Draco up in house with Goyle and Crabbe who share everything*)

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Well, a big part of my whole... shtick is that I'm not Draco's fangirl, I guess? I hate the idea of comforting him or coddling him-- not that I want him to suffer eternally or anything, but my whole inspiration with this post is that I don't think he can get over it-- not get over being himself, his own reactions, his history. I don't think any of us ever -really- grow up all that much, but Draco especially. He can try to stop dwelling and move on and be reasonable and take what he's got-- but it's a lie. That was my point. He'd be lying to himself, because the need is always there, secretly tearing at him, quietly burning him up until he does something even more stupid just to get back at his phantom tormentor. The demons in our heads never really leave.

[balfrog.livejournal.com]

better the need be there - it's when they both seem to have gotten over the other one that the ficness dies. Why should they bother with each other if the other isn't an annoying little itch in their minds anymore? The whole 'wake up one morning and see the light/feel indifferent' bit. Kind of sudden and 'huh?' inducing.
:D

Did it never leave for your Draco? It felt like that a couple of days ago. Not that I'm knocking this turn of events.
:D
:D

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Well, with Harry... with Harry, it's just not the same. Harry's always had Draco as an 'itch' in his side, and I don't think -that's- changed, but that's not a big deal to me. You can make Harry 'see' Draco and want Draco eventually, after hard work which no one in fandom does to my satisfaction.... But Draco doesn't itch, he burns. My ficness dies if he doesn't burn, because I couldn't care less about Harry's itch, 'cause I'd just as happily let him have Ginny or whoever. He doesn't start off needing Draco, he grows to after he first tastes being with Draco; without that initial collision, he doesn't need Draco at all, not on an -emotional- level. Not at all. And in my head, he never did, period. Draco, on the other hand... he's the clingy needy obsessive one who'd try to move on and think he did but be lying to himself. Because he's so good at that, and that's why I loved him. Because he's in denial, and he's angry and helpless and he could blow up the world except he can't. He's never quite good enough to get what he wants.

Oh yeah, it left for my Draco... which is why I wrote this post, really, cryptic though I guess it was-- I meant that I realized the little bastard is only lying to himself. ^^;

[balfrog.livejournal.com]

I meant that I realized the little bastard is only lying to himself. ^^;

deluded Draco, trying to get over it and desperately clutching on to the tatters of his dignity Draco, telling himself ,no way, not again! Draco.

hahaha.

I'm still twiddling my thumbs for fic here.
(*is demanding and grabby*)
:D

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Hah, um. Well, I'm not too inspired, but maybe soon.... ^^;;

[bookshop.livejournal.com]

Also! Don't ever stop reccing art. You often rec the best art and I love you for it!

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Wheee! I wonder if people even notice the way I tack it on :))

[loftily.livejournal.com]

I DO :))