[there and back again: a history]

[reenka]

You know... (canon) Draco, who doesn't like (er, like like) Harry has really grown on me. I really blame HBP most of all, though there are other factors. Not so much that he doesn't... I don't know, it's just, okay, I'm looking at greendesire's totally awesome, painfully IC picture of him and Myrtle-- and I seem to have an obsession for emotional!Draco, for all my ranting about him not being defined by the bathroom scene, given this and this one as evidence-- and it's just enough. (And I also love her so-in-character illustrations of the HBP girls and the smirky!Harry from ze icon. *points*)

I don't need to imagine this boy having hot sweaty boysex with like... anyone, thankyouverymuch. I mean, can we say 'not sexy'?
    Though he's sort of cute in his complete pale stricken patheticness, and I have an odd affection for his pointy face and his narrow little hands and his crazed complaining look, but.... I have this odd sense of relief. It's nice to take him at surface value, I guess. Not to struggle to imagine his future, at least, and not to feel so desperately involved with where he goes and what he does, like it's my personal responsibility to make sure he gets Potter at last. Will he finally 'have' Potter this year? Well, I don't think he cares anymore. It's a good thing.

    Oh, the Draco in my head has been quiet lately. He finally got over it, kind of, the silly boy. ♥ It's been a long, trippy ride to this point, too. How many nights has he kept me up, screaming at me that he wanted Potter's head on a platter now, dammit? How long have we gone over this problem, with me wracking my brains, trying to find the final Potter solution. How in the world to reel Harry in? Oh, it's been a subject of constant worry. Potter never did do what my Draco wanted him to do... silly boy.

Maybe I'm just confused, because I look at greendesires' Harry/Ginny OoTP comic and melt, because oh Harry, I just can't refuse him anything when he looks all boyish and vulnerable and I really do want him to have the normal boy/girl awkward-sweet conversation things, and then I'm all mesmerized by the HBP bathroom scene comic by odduckoasis. There's normal and sweet and then there's intense and hot and gripping and this is why I love them so much. So I don't know. I don't know.

The idea of a pictorial history of Harry & Draco in canon really appeals to me at the moment. I have no clue how to organize it, but I think it'd be amazing. Something like usuisubari's year old illustration of their first meeting in Diagon Alley. For some reason I can't stop staring at it, with the scruffy little Harry with his hands in his pockets, staring bemusedly at poncey, pale little Draco, unsure what to make of him at first. They're just boys, then. I can't see them as sex symbols or archetypes or supermodels or any of that... not destined for each other or meant to be or pieces on the gameboard of life or anything I ever cared to project onto them. I don't need them to change to suit me; I don't need them to do anything. I am happy to let go and see what happens when they talk without any expectations.

    In the back of the shop, a boy with a pale, pointed face was standing on a footstool while a second witch pinned up his long black robes. Madam Malkin stood Harry on a stool next to him, slipped a long robe over his head, and began to pin it to the right length.

"Hello," said the boy, "Hogwarts, too?"

"Yes," said Harry.
~~

Also, man, this photo really reminds me of Ginny o_0
    EDIT - Naturally, then this line comes to me: Draco was living in his own personal hell: just when he thought he was over it, he met Potter again and the need for his cock became monstrous instead of just debilitating.

...This yaoi about two SS officers in lust... both pale, skinny, with slicked back hair, one smooth & icy and one arrogant but desperate... it just.... Really makes me think of ice-prince!Draco topping canon!Draco o_0 ...It's really pretty scary o_0

Comments

[cursescar.livejournal.com]

Oh how I love the smirking pic :(((!!!!

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Harry's such a badass :D :D :D :D!!!

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Maybe you'd like this one (http://www.deviantart.com/view/8003646/) too, then :> :>

[cursescar.livejournal.com]

OMG my fetish for Harry in a hoodie... *__________*

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

I sense a theme (http://www.livejournal.com/users/uguisubari/35719.html#cutid1) but now I'm unsure whether it's like-- canon, or everyone seems to think skinny British boys (glasses, check, sneakers, check, shabby jeans, check) would just -have- to go for the complete emo look :D :D :D

[cursescar.livejournal.com]

Haha, I don't know what it is, but hoodies omg. omgggfdg.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

*feeds your addiction (http://www.deviantart.com/view/15735730/)* :))

[m-jadis.livejournal.com]

That one was hot! Thanks!

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Hahah, now I wonder if you'll find this (http://www.deviantart.com/view/20120097/) one as hot or hotter :))

...Harry. So... ponderous. :>

[m-jadis.livejournal.com]

I actually prefer the first one, but this is good too! They were all terrific. Done by people far more talented than I! Thanks!!

[loftily.livejournal.com]

I don't need to imagine this boy having hot sweaty boysex with like... anyone, thankyouverymuch.

Flkjdsa yes.

Although, I can't see them as sex symbols or archetypes or supermodels or any of that... not destined for each other or meant to be or pieces on the gameboard of life or anything I ever cared to project onto them. I don't think it's th at they're "destined for each other" as much as we've made it out to be life changing, what they can do for each other? But I am with you on the not even needing them to be together, and I am backing away from the physical faster and faster, you know me. It is like, even if Draco were obsessively in love with Harry, I wouldn't be really okay with them having sex. Maybe I just like it that way, the mystery of it, seeing only the glimpses of them together? (IE, NA!) I always felt a little that way, but post-OotP, it was so intense that all that emotion had to go somewhere, maybe? Now, post-HBP, they can just be them and work it out without the lust factor, the way I see it sometimes, and that makes me strangely happy. I told you I was scarred from writing that smut! :))

[loftily.livejournal.com]

By sex, I meant, explicit sex. Written out sex. Okay, the end.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Remember back when Draco was hot--? Man, those were the days :)) Back in the Stone Age of Man .... :))

I dunno, I never put much stock in destiny per se, but I think I saw them as made for each other in most ways, not just 'useful' for each other or whatever-- I didn't start out caring about how healthy and wonderful a relationship would be between them, but rather just digging the whole 'can't live with you, can't live without you'... thing.

...Though I'm all about the sexing if I'm feelin' the (obsessive) lurve, 'cause if they're obsessing, then sexing just seems natural. Mostly, they're (Draco) is not obsessing anymore. It's less that I'm uncomfortable with sex (ahaha, as you well know), and more that I've sort of gotten to the point where I'm not so innocent anymore... like when you're young and in love and you think it's enough to just go with your gut and damn the consequences, and nothing matters except getting him and showing him and it's just you-and-him, that whole feeling. It's not about who either of you 'really are', it's more about the thing between you, burning you alive. Unrequited love and lust and rage, and everything mixing together to make your emotions a complete powder-keg, waiting to explode. In my mind, Draco was so tightly coiled, so ready, and they catalyzed each other in a way no one else could, and that's what made them made for each other, y'know? No one else could.

I guess I didn't start out writing/reading H/D from a canon standpoint anyway, so that intensity was always there for me, since my 'canon' was stuff like Irresistible Poison and Love Under Will, y'know? So it was like, OMG YES when I read OoTP, because it played into all the emotions I always needed/wanted/saw in them in the first place. In this case, at least, I wasn't talking about canon so much as my internal univere, where Draco always needed Harry to SEE, yeah, but it's always a lot more base than that. The reason I loved them so much is that talking is not enough, fucking is not enough, only changing everything, only exploding is enough. I dunno. I think a lot of that is my own emotional projection, my own relationship with love and obsession that I was working through.

So now I look at that sweet H/G comic from the OoTP scene and I'm like, awwww, and I'm happy for Harry (which disturbs me on one level, 'cause HARRY/GINNY) but the reason I could be all for it is because I'm not invested in the relationship, just in Harry. I still love Harry & Draco, so I want them to interact, but before I was invested in them moreso than in them as inviduals, if you know what I mean. It wasn't even that I chose to be invested, it's that I couldn't help it-- their passion was a reflection of mine. Draco's obsession was mine in a lot of ways....

And now, it's not that the passion's in me less, or that I love them less, it's just that it's unconnected... I don't see that passion in -them-, I guess, even though it still means so much to me. Obsessive violent love is still my drug of choice, but... things shifted. They're in a different place in their lives. My Draco doesn't live/breathe/need Harry so much. And, given, most people don't write them quite that intensely anyway, but this is me, y'know~:)

[loftily.livejournal.com]

The thing is, I think - and flkdjsa I have to run soon so this will be fast - that, despite everything you said, I don't think Draco can entirely get over it; he's in a different place, he's somewhere else, and he isn't as petty and childish and obsessed as we saw in 1-5, but if Harry gave him the time of day, he wouldn't say no, exactly. I think. I mean, I think if they got to working together, it would be just like UL or NA, by which I mean, not just like, but he'd value Harry valuing him, you know? Maybe? Okay, time for class, goodbye!

P.S. I never liked hot Draco! Never!

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

I know-- it's like, not like I think (or said--?) he wouldn't care or appreciate or... um, value Harry appreciating... or something... but that doesn't drive me emotionally the way omg-passionate-obsessive-love does. I think I'm saying that's more about me than about Harry & Draco... or something. Haha, like, for instance-- it's not that I ever liked or wanted hot!Draco, and more that I liked the hotness of passionate intensity -in- him, when the just sort of... glowed. Like a glamour, I suppose, not just physical but emotional maybe... I'm not sure.

I think I was saying that my main driving interest was less them specifically and more... transformative passionate love. Something like spontaneous combustion, love at its most violent and unlikely and painful and wrong/right. When seized with this spirit, anyone would be gorgeous and beautiful and desirable... even your archetypical ugly sickly sticklike poet boy type, I guess. He could be pale and dorky, but he'd be transformed by emotion into a force of nature, where women (men?) would swoon because... because he radiates consuming passion..... Not that Draco would do that (radiate I mean), but it's a similar idea :>

[loftily.livejournal.com]

Somebody should draw radiating!Draco! Well, or not.

I know, I sort of miss that, the all-out passion; it's part of the reason I really loved Queen of Hearts, I think. And my favorite parts in Underwater Light are when Harry and Draco have their fight on the walk back to Hogsmeade and Harry thinks, I want that, and also when he sees Draco's Creative Magic project and it's wild and fierce and insane and Harry loves him that way, and just how much - I don't know, they connect the most that way, sometimes. I am not making sense. But that is sort of why I still think they have to be explosive, even a little, in BBII; I don't think Draco's changed fundamentally enough to not necessitate it, something of the past coming out. Although I do think they could be transformed by the other part, too, the quietness and the, the noticing each other, I guess that is part of what I wanted to write into my BBII fic. Maybe.

The line "Women swoon!" reminds me of DPS. :((

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Nah, I don't think Draco's changed fundamentally (haha, I'm torn on whether one can change that fundamentally or not), it's more that I meant he's changed in terms of my relationship to him in my -head-, which is a stranger and more personal thing to get a handle on. It used to be that me & Draco were on the same emotional frequency, I guess? Because for a long time, I -was- that desperate and obsessive of a person. And he allowed me to vent a lot of things. I mean, not that Malfoy-following Harry isn't cute, but really, the whole glee over it misses the point entirely, to me-- because it has to be Draco, and it has to be obsessive, and it has to be wrong and raw and angry because, like... this is how it trandscends HP, this is why I wrote them. I mean, eventually it did start being about -them-, but while I love them, I wrote them because of something else, something inside me. My obsession with obsessive passionate semi-destructive and semi-creative love. And the weird thing, maybe, isn't so much that they've finally grown up but that I have. Like, not so much that I don't love their love, but that it's not the burning consuming issue that I -have- to deal with or like, go mad ^^;;;

Though something about how women swoon over both Harry & Draco makes me see them in a James/Sirius sort of way, which makes me happy :D It could be like that! It could.

[balfrog.livejournal.com]

So he stopped yelling?
Is this it for the two? no more interest? (not just romantic) - but any kind of pointy boy's 'you matter in my life 'cause I'm going to show you I'm better and rub your face in it' obsession?

:(

WAH!

o well, who am I to say ... :D

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Haha, I'll still finish my novella (mantra mode: on), but... well, it's been awhile. I think at some point he just got hoarse, screaming, and I never did give ickle Drakeykins precisely what he wanted... but sort of, once. In my unfinished post-OoTP novella. Which I might finish, even if it's AU. But yeah... I'm sure they still have (non-romantic) interest in reality, but in my head... I dunno about the obsession. Draco's like 'damn, Voldy's after me and I didn't even shave' :>

Yeah, really, you're off writing Draco/GOYLE :))

[balfrog.livejournal.com]

The boys aren't interested in each other right now - in my bad rotten head. Or rather, Harry's now obsessed and Draco doesn't care. It makes for some lovely dub-con.
:D
Then I can give Draco away to Goyle or Snape who will love him like a scrawny pet and Harry will look on all drooly.

Canon is making my longing!Harry - not!putting!out!Draco fangirlness SO SO HAPPY.
:D

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Hahah. Man. I have not the capacity to enjoy unrequited!H/D from Harry's side ^^;; Like, if you're going with canon, Harry has Ginny, y'know. The only reason I ever wanted him with Draco was because Draco desperately wanted him first-- so it all just seems ridiculously pointless without that. And post-HBP Harry would never force Draco anyway... or even have time for Draco outside of plot-type help. Man, and aftewards he starts Auror training and gets engaged to Ginny, though they don't get married right away 'cause they're a modern couple and they want to see the world first, though I'm sure Ginny would want to be his partner. He'd probably hold out for Ron... depends on what Hermione wants to do....

I guess I just don't think Harry makes a good longing romantic hero. He's so... well, distracted by other things and able to put aside his emotions-- not -repress- or compartmentalize like Draco, but put aside. He can give in to rage, but all of that is focused specifically on Snape and Voldy. After the Sectumsempra, I feel like the poison's been let out with Draco. It's like... over.