~~ the anti-harmony manifesto

[reenka]

I was reading some meta on FMA & Roy/Ed, and how they're so great together (even if not canon) 'cause of the conflict between them... And since I dearly love generalizing when it comes to myself (haha, I can get away with it! it's great!), I thought that the one thing all the pairings I've ever liked have in common is conflict.

    Like, there needs to be some deep, nearly overwhelming sort of... obstacle between two people, in terms of understanding or relating to each other. Not that 'ordinary' people don't have huge obstacles in understanding anyway (oh boy), but it's just more... interesting when it's all dramatic and underscored and... obvious, because then you can make an exciting story just out of personal interaction. Opposites attract, but even if they don't, they chafe a lot. And I like to watch people annoy and frustrate each other, clearly. It's just great if I'm not involved and neither are any (il)logical arguments :D

Also, I only like this conflict stuff if I actually believe these two people are really suited; not like they're just really different (because, who cares), but rather they push each other's buttons for a deeper reason-- like, the thing they really don't get or appreciate in the other person is somehow tied to a major overall snag in their worldview, like a neatness-obsessed person who's forced into interaction with a messy devil-may-care person-- the reason this pairing works for me is because it's about more than just this person that happens to frustrate them to both people.
    It's like... all about catalysts. Meeting a person that really affects you and changes how you look at yourself and the world, because they just highlight something that has always gotten to you or inspired you or frustrated you, and then nothing goes smoothly and you can't ignore it-- can't look away. Love that's like a car-crash-- violent and inevitable and painful and often seemingly random. But it's never what you thought it would be, regardless. It's an accident of fate that shows who you really are because it challenges you.

It's about what we hope for, really, moreso than about what we already have. I think our hopes and most secret dreams and needs are the things that define us on the deepest level. And sometimes (a lot of times) one can't see oneself without the distorted, twisted mirror of another person. So really, when we battle with those things we don't understand, we're really battling with ourselves, since we're all our own worst enemies. It's really about the lifelong struggle to learn to live with one's own worst and most central flaws (highlighted in conflict with the other), and further, to be loved for one's flaws as much or more than for one's strengths.

Ideally... I love pairings of people who're both defensive and defenseless around each other. They try to fight, but they only wound themselves. They try to escape each other, but they are tied to the issues they have within themselves. Eventually, they can heal each other by facing the worst each of them has and emerging out the other side, willing to love in spite of everything they now know, and they both know too much. And finally, finally-- their love is such that this is their strength.


    So it's not -just- opposites attracting that I'm drawn to-- it's any situation or pairing that provides conflict and utilizes stubbornness, misunderstanding, a clash of beliefs, disharmony and hopefully sheer antagonism.
    Like, for instance... you take a cold, dutiful, distant and logical person and pair him (or her, but it's not as fun) with a fiery, irrational, intense yet laid-back person, and watch sparks fly, right. But you also watch them struggle to understand each other, and then (hopefully) form a bond that's much stronger than normal because of all the effort that went into it.

    Coincidentally, this is why I always sort of feel let down and a bit confused when people who say they love H/D also ship a pairing that's built on commonality, harmony and understanding (saaayyyy... Snape/Draco, though every relationship has its source of conflict, naturally). I do like harmony, I suppose... no, hahaha, who am I kidding. Unbroken harmony bores the living daylights out of me in fiction (and we're talking fiction only). It's like, H/D is the anti-harmony, y'know... or, well, it could one day become harmonious, but I don't really wanna live to see that day, and would be rather startled (and peeved) if many H/D shippers did. Mostly 'cause of the brain-strain of wondering why you'd ship a pairing that is basically about anything but your desired state of being. But perhaps they ship harmonious pairings -because- they get tired of the conflict and angst. (Hmph.)
    Actually... I like harmony when it's deferred... as in, it would be perfect if these two people -could- be together, but circumstances, misunderstandings and/or insecurities (whatever!) dictate otherwise. As is... longing and frustration and need. And no comfort!!

This is part of my hate-on for hurt/comfort, btw... I like my hurt and/or conflict understood and fixed, dammit, not comforted. If you're talking longterm, comfort is basically a lie, and it's the lying to calm people aspect that pisses me off. Sometimes you -should- be bothered, because otherwise you're never going to change what's wrong.

Y'know, this really sounds so... contrary and not conducive to love, and possibly it is, at first glance. I think it's because it's not love that interests me directly, so much as the journey to it, and I think that's a huge distinction. Mature, 'real' love is of the kind spoken of in the Corinthians-- it forgives all, soothes all, endures all. Stripped of hormones, accidents of birth and duty, it is basically friendship-- a bond that's hard to even encompass in words. It's possibly the strongest emotion we have, mostly because it contains all the others within it. Love, at base, is a binding of oneself, a wakening of oneself, a constant testing of oneself.

I think I'm concerned more with the vaccuum between people; the path to love, which is filled with personal debris and fears and baggage of all sorts. We stand in front of each other, and we do not see; we project motives that aren't there, make judgments based on incomplete evidence, mistake people for things they never have been and blame them for things they've never done. Life contains much more of this... this... emptiness and muddled confusion than it does love. Life has always seemed full of love, but most people I know never fully touch it. Spend their lives afraid of it. Afraid of each other.

I just want to see love-stories acknowledge the full scale of the problem before I see a solution (also known as 'happy ending' and/or comfort). And it better be a good solution, that's all I'm saying. But yeah, I want my happy ending too... like, I heard of a new play off Broadway called `Joy', and it's about the conflict & miscommunication between these two gay guys, and... it never works out & they split up (according to the review). And I'm like, 'well, that's great, I guess I'm enlightened now'. Man, I'm hard to please (in principle-- in reality I'm pretty easy if you add snark & porn).

Comments

here via metafandom

[prettyveela.livejournal.com]

Coincidentally, this is why I always sort of feel let down and a bit confused when people who say they love H/D also ship a pairing that's built on commonality, harmony and understanding (saaayyyy... Snape/Draco, though every relationship has its source of conflict, naturally).

Snaco is a ship built on peace, love, and understanding?

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Well, I usually hear how they could understand each other in a way no one else could, and how they're facing similar issues & could help each other and cooperate and so on. Of course, I hear the same thing about H/D too, so perhaps that isn't a good measure of anything. Er. But I just often hear about how Snape understands Draco in a way Harry can't, for instance, etc.

[prettyveela.livejournal.com]

I cannot believe you called my ship out, that's fighting words yo! *takes off earrings* :P

lol no seriously though, I do think that they understand each other in certain ways(just like H/D, which I also ship), but I've never seen Snaco as a harmonious pairing, that's why I was so happy with their interaction in HBP, especially at Slughorn's party. :)


I agree with you about conflict within a pairing, I think that's the main reason I started to ship Snape/Lily after book 5.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Ahaha, I admit S/D is prolly my least favorite ship so I tend to mutter on about it in my bitter way (mostly 'cause a number of H/D shippers migrate to S/D), but also, yeah-- I never saw S/D as a harmonious pairing either, which is why any statements about how Snape & Draco would get along best with each other sound like fighting words to -me- :D

I mean, I actually started to like S/D more in HBP 'cause Draco stopped kissing up to Snape and was like 'leave me alone, bastard!'... though this is totally overshadowed by my renewed interest in H/S after the humonguous hate-on -those- two have for each other (it makes my toes all a-tingle!)

I do have a sekrit fondness for Snape/Lily, though I'm pretty satisfied with the inherent conflict within James/Lily anyway-- I mean, that's the prototypical bickering-leads-to-lurve HP couple, methinks, especially back in the beginning when Lily regularly handed James' balls back to him. Oh, true wuv <3 hehe

[verylisa.livejournal.com]

This is an excellent essay. For some time now I've been mulling over why I like the pairings I do, and you've crystallised a lot of those thoughts for me. Thank you!

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Thankees :D It's good to know me muttering to myself was actually worthwhile to someone else as well :)
I'm -always- wondering why I like the pairings I do, and looking for patterns, and being bewildered how people who like the same pairings often have very different overall shipping patterns :>

Also via metafandom

[zebra363.livejournal.com]

But you also watch them struggle to understand each other, and then (hopefully) form a bond that's much stronger than normal because of all the effort that went into it.

We stand in front of each other, and we do not see; we project motives that aren't there, make judgments based on incomplete evidence, mistake people for things they never have been and blame them for things they've never done.

I generally prefer "harmony" pairings myself, but this is a gorgeous post. It really touched me.

*Adds to Memories*

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Thanks! :D Wow, I'm really amazed I somehow managed to appeal to someone from the 'other side' (if such a thing really exists) :) Possibly it's just that I'm in love with 'true love', all the you-complete-me stuff, definitely, it's just that I've read & seen so many stories about it by now, I want my difficulty level raised higher than normal :D

[malafede.livejournal.com]

I wanted to say that I never really warmed to Roy/Ed because FMA was always about Ed and Al for me, in a brotherly sense, but hey, that's love too... and Ed and Al are not harmonious, they have their sources of guilt/resentment, I guess they love each other too much not to overcome it? I'd say they complement each other, though you'd probably find that harmonious too.

Ehehe I see that you're naming S/D as the harmonious couple, though I guess it's really all perspective. I mean, with Snarry the way some people talk about it it's a pairing all based on (harmonious) superiority, where the prejudice is really hiding Saint Harry and Saint Snape from each other, which is the reason why I never liked it, it being the pairing of who is good enough for whom.

I mean, I'm not (yet) a S/D shipper but I can see how it would be good for them not because they're better people in general, but because they're alike in ways most people wouldn't understand (starting from the whole ew, nasty slytherin deal).

But then, I always liked this type of comfort between - not marginalized people, more like othered, just "the others". I never found it harmonious (damn I am starting to feel lame using this word) because it never achieves any sort of ideal communion on the part of the author/the shipper, just gives understanding to the...misunderstood?? Ahaha. Not misunderstood as in victimised, just generally not recognisable/common. Like James/Sirius. Did I ever tell you how much I liked James and Sirius in that scene precisely because they were so unsympathetic, partners in crime, etc? I really didn't feel Snape a whole lot (notice how that's when Harry feels him most), although Saint Lily was the worst. So maybe that explains what the comfort angle here is. It's not much about harmony for them as a couple but letting the dirtbag find someone like him? Although some call it the outlaws solidarity. :D

And I was touched by this too:

We stand in front of each other, and we do not see; we project motives that aren't there, make judgments based on incomplete evidence, mistake people for things they never have been and blame them for things they've never done.

It does fit with the above! I'm just to tired to elaborate. It's not like I don't ship H/D or Sasunaru, but you know, sometimes I want say, Draco and Pansy to pair together to fulfill my juvenile "smash the Potter hortodoxy!" fantasies. ;P *sigh*

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Whoever says Harry & Snape are harmonious are on so much crack I don't even know where to start; I almost want their crack, but really I don't. Of course, when you have people say or imply the words 'Saint Snape'... I don't even know. I do have to tell you most people aren't that insane in fandom. Even in fandom.
H/S is all about them hating each other more than any other person, snarking at each other, acting like teenagers (not difficult for either) and working together in spite of themselves. Possibly one day (just like in canon, omg!) growing to understand that they're both just doing what they have to do, etcetc. I've never found it a romantic pairing, but it does fit my criteria for an interesting pairing... if only I didn't have a thing against cross-gen and also things that'll never work out.... (Then again, I feel like no Snape pairing will ever work out. Snape is just a total antisocial loser like dat.)

Still, you're right, it is all perspective. However, that whole thing about a pairing being 'good' for the characters just turns me right off. I'm just juvenile like that, but it reminds me of having to take my vegetables and not fall for the wrong guy. I like my wrong guy, dammit! :P

I think re: Draco/Pansy or any other 'comfort' or harmonious pairing... I just think that they're boring, not like 'wrong' or whatever. I'm so focused on excitement and romance and intrigue and stuff, that anything too easy just sends me to sleep, it's not like it's not a worthwhile thing for the characters. But then, I never really think of romantic love as if it was supposed to be good for you; friendship is like that, not romantic love. Friends band together to smash the oppressor-- romantic (in love) lovers are always looking at each other, not outwards at the world. When the love cools, they 'mature' and start looking outwards at the world, but that's when it's no longer romantic love and is just companionship.

I love complementary pairings (in fact I think I was talking about that this whole time what with the neatness vs. messiness), it's just that I think I like 'em most when the potential harmony is deferred. That's what I was trying to say. Everyone has sources of potential conflict (as I also noted), it's just that my most favored couples have deep, vital conflict that revolutionizes their concepts of themselves....

I just want solidarity to come later (after the romance) or not be romance at all (which it isn't). There are many kinds of love, and many kinds of pairings people like, but to me there's romantic passionate love which is insane and torturous and impossible, and then there's everything else. Which isn't necessarily boring... it's just... different.

[malafede.livejournal.com]

Snarry doesn't excite *me* simply because Harry *is* misunderstanding Snape. He is literally *wrong* and supposedly one day he will realise this and see that Snape, too, fits in his definition of a good person. There's no journey for Harry in this, it's more like a mystery plot with deceiving appareances. Snape mistakes him for James. But man, that's just me.

(Nobody ever called him literally a saint to my face, but people do get close. I like Snape, but he is not a saint. And I wasn't implying Snarry is always harmonious, just that it can be written that way/seem that way from the outside. So it's a matter of perspective.)

What I was trying to say is that the same pairings that bore you to death may be exciting for others - I think it's a romantic trope also, the accomplices. Not romantic for you but it's been sexualised before. Possibly other people are looking for tension/resolution of another kind, or are just looking at the larger picture, of which the individual is part. (Last bit thrown in because I know you too well :P)

All in all I was trying to say that stuff like Draco/Pansy isn't generally harmonious. It's another form of comfort.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Ha, you're right about H/S being more like a mystery plot, but... well, I don't think it's that easy, also. It's like, I think Harry can figure out Snape was on the 'right' side all along (that's the canon-plausible mystery part), but it's a different thing entirely to have him actually like or really understand Snape or vice versa. It's... a journey, yeah, or at least it's something that requires much more maturity from both their sides. If Harry doesn't mature, he wouldn't be able to see it. With Draco, he doesn't actually need to mature as much to 'like' him 'cause I think Draco's more of a likable person~:))

I think the very word 'comfort' kinda makes me twitch now-- it reminds me of the horrid yaoi where the weepy helpless uke clings onto the strong-yet-silent seme to protect him... actually the whole protection idea makes me twitch, too. I think I just have issues in this area :))

I was acknowledging it may be exciting for others-- I was just saying, also, that accomplices who fuck is a trope, but I dunno about 'romantic'-- just sexualized. Okay, there's this movie, right, `Mr and Mrs Smith', and it's about this well-suited couple who don't know that both are superspies. They work okay together as a team, but what really brings them together is the friction and competitiveness and emotional conflict based on their opposing personality types. Anyway, while you have that accomplice thing in there, kinda, that's not what drives the romance aspect, if you know what I mean. Also, tension/resolution of another kind is fine, it's just different, as I said. Ahh, now I'm sort of confusing myself. Maybe it just needs to be potentially love & have conflict-- those two basic ingredients don't really imply any outside circumstance (accomplice vs. enemy), they just imply a sort of interpersonal dynamic.