[the shame! the horror!]

[reenka]

Fandom Shame Meme (or: Things I'd Be Ashamed of If I Had Shame)!

1) I (used to, when I read much fanfic) constantly read (and enjoy) oodles of H/D porn on ff.net & aff.net as well as lj that I never feedbacked and I thought had little to no 'redeeming value', not even with a 'hohoho, how charmingly ironic, I shall now mock silently to myself', but with a high willingness and ability to suspend all critical judgment-- sometimes I literally went through every R-and-over H/D fic I could find linked, in vain hopes it was remotely readable. I really have no practical standards to speak of; it's only when my eyes started bleeding from sheer pain that I stopped. Also, the great majority of my favorite HP fics are pretty OOC and I don't much care.

I've liked cutting fics, goth!Draco fics, Veela!Draco fics, gender-bender fics, poor-little-abused!Draco fics, top and bottom!Draco fics-- you name an H/D cliche, I've probably liked at one point. I am proud that I've never liked a nice!Draco or an abusive-and-evil-omg!Draco fic, never ever never, because mommy THAT'S GROSS.

A list:
- Draco in a skirt or girl!Draco; also usually rentboy!Draco
- almost any fic where Draco resents his lot in life as Harry's boyfriend and sex slave (yet sekritly loves it omg!) is fine by me; it's also fine if he's just a sex-slave and is yet so tragically in love with clueless-yet-sekritly-attached!Harry, aww.
- fics where Snape or Ron or whoever has some tragic unrequited lust for Harry and there is some combination of Invisibility Cloak, Astronomy Tower and naked detentions.
- Snape/Draco/Harry/etc is in lust against his will, pines away, wanks, happy ending.
- Harry getting all violent on Draco's ass; basically, Slytherin!Harry but not-- not!-- evil!Harry
- friendship fic where they learn to slowly get along and Draco is really genuinely cool
- fics where Remus always wanted Sirius (and hell, vice versa). awwww.
- Draco is pretty, oh-so-pretty... pretty and witty and briiiiiight... he's also a total flaming queen, clearly.
- meaningless drunken sex except they wake up and realize OMG I CANNOT LEAVE YOU (maybe there's angst first, though).
- lust/love/binding-potions done remotely well; I AM A SUCKER. there is nothing quite like do-I-love-you-or-is-it-the-DRUGS-I'm-on angst. I also love it when they can't move like, 2 meters away from each other or it huuuuurts, oh it hurts. Er. I might also have a slight telepathy thing.
- I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED YOU, HARRY. (*cringes* but he's in denial...!)
- ...Draco angsts and goes to clubs and is slutty and has piercings; Harry is a sincere sort of bad-boy, disillusioned with the war. Angry sex in back alleys, anyone?
- angsty, Sirius-obsessed Remus. It has to happen, mmkay.
- woobie-yet-headstrong!Harry meets prissy-yet-needy!Draco (...or is that canon??)

...But I still take H/D fic and writing quality way too seriously because (in spite of??) all this.


2) I spent my first year in fandom writing HP meta and fics and stuff without actually reading the HP books 'cause I really really didn't like the first one. On the bright side(?) this was not a secret at the time, either. There was wank, however.

3) I've only actually edited one of the 60+ fics I've written in fandom, though on the bright side I do proofread (...after I post, because I have an itchy trigger-finger). I've had several others betaed for me, but I was too lazy to implement the edits so the fics have never seen the light of day, and one of these is actually one of my best fics, I think. I'm just that lazy.

4) I've often contemplated writing 'sell-out plebefic' on ff.net about Veelas and hot!Draco and what have you just so I can get like, 1,000 comments (oh, would I but could I). I really can't write engagingly/poppishly enough, and I totally angst over that a lot. I wish my writing was more accessible and 'fun' and eh, it wouldn't matter if it was stupid if I was like OMG UBER POPULAR even among teenies. Yes, wild ff.net power-trip fantasy, yes. I constantly sekritly compare myself to others and wind up feeling inadequate just 'cause my fics on ff.net only get like, 2-3 comments unless you count het porn(!).

5) I totally wrote all sorts of pairings I thought were ridiculous or personally distasteful on request to please my audience and prove to myself I could, all part of some sort of need to pretend my fanfic writing was 'serious' and I was really learning something.

6) I've read a goodly amount of H/S porn though it totally conflicted with my OTP and I didn't even find Snape hot, just because the sex was written so well. There's a lot of good porn in H/S-- well, if you can stomach it. The word 'Snarry' needs to be shot repeatedly, however, as do fics where Snape uses fragrant shampoo. Let's get one thing straight: I'm at war with Snape's flowery, sweet-smelling and magically-delicious shampoo.

7) I usually avoid feedbacking fic for pairings other than my OTP just 'cause I'm lazy, even though I was known as Fandom Reviewer Person for a while. It sort of became a burden after a point; also, I often reviewed at length and inventively just to get praised for it and continue the vicious cycle of boot-licking. Though on the bright side, I was sincere.

8) I'm not, in almost all ways, a canon!whore, and I never have been. My huge, wildly proliferating pet peeves are mostly a result of a sekritly bitchy temperament and preference hardened by reading lots of crappily done fic that used certain characterizations or plot-devices so that I started to have knee-jerk biases against them. I think I wound up using 'in-characterness' as a way to justify myself and appeal to some sort of standard. Any standard. Please god, a standard.

9) I love (my favorite) Dracos. Just... not necessarily your Draco, random fandomer. No, your Draco I probably hate way way more than is possibly healthy. However, the types of Dracos I like tend to be contradictory and aren't divisible into 'canon' and 'fanon'-- more like into 'Reena's idea of crappy fanon' and 'Reena's idea of nifty fanon'. So there. Love me, love my contradictions of myself.

10) My sekrit OTP is really Tom/Hagrid. [And I think pointless in-jokes are fun, fun, fun!]

Comments

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

You know, if I made a list of fics I want to read and fics I -do- read, at this point they'd be wildly different. A lot of the more intense variation is all from my newbie days where I just read everything... though I do enjoy all the types you mention except perhaps Draco-sleeping-with-everyone 'cause that tends to go with sexgod!Draco which started to really annoy me early on. I know I like slutty!Draco but I usually dig that in a sort of self-destructive rather than happily-gay context.

I think I avoid more Draco pairings at least partly 'cause I can't stand so many Dracos, in H/D or out of it. While he may be an interesting character in potential, man do most people suck at writing him. Plus things like Snape/Draco and Ron/Draco have squicked me for the longest time. But mostly I just think Draco's the one obsessed with Harry, not the other way around. In my mind, Harry was always the one having to be dragged kicking and screaming into the relationship (and the question is always 'wtf is Harry doing liking Malfoy??!?' rather than 'wtf is Malfoy doing liking Harry', y'know). Is that the canon!whore in me coming out? o_0 I don't know anymore :>

And yeah, I admit that the whole preference is actually a part of that general leaning people have to be more 'slutty' with their favorite character. I may love Draco but man, that boy needs a tight leash.

[firstblush.livejournal.com]

Well, I'm the same so far as not really into "sleeping with everyone" Draco. It is often done badly, which is why I don't care for it much anymore, but at one point I really did like it (I think!)

And haha, I guess I just can't get over the fact that Harry bores me to tears without Draco. (Or I just out and out hate him. For me, it's a very rare Harry that I can like or find written well and still in character to me). I agree there are a lot of "bad draco types" out there, and he's probably more susceptible than some but I like the dynamics of his other relationships. I find Ron/Draco sexy because they both seem like such frustrated, angry, resentful creatures and there's some violence in that I find attractive. I also find their struggle to equal up to Harry some commonground. And hahaha Snape/Draco, yeah, I actually like that too. Harry can often be far more passive/oblivious or just disinterested in Draco (which I personally find to be more the case as he gets older). So in that sense, I do agree with the "wtf is Harry doing like Malfoy" more than "malfoy liking Harry." That said, I think Draco would have more issue accepting his like for Harry than Harry - because to me Harry seems a little more adaptable because he's HAD bigger things to deal with. So I guess it depends how you look at it. Of course, my memory of book five is fading so I'm really only going on my memory of books 1-4.

I guess in my case, I'd rather search through a slew of bad draco's for one I love, than go through a slew of snorefest Harry's to find one I'm only mildly tolerant of.

Actually, that said, I think Harry is one of the harder characters to write. If only because you have this vast amount of canon to analyze and take into account and be true too. But also - maybe just from personal experience - but I find Harry kind of mysterious because I don't relate to him or his personality type. I have more ease relating to resentment, frustration, jealousy, and feelings of both superiority and inferiority which I read as emotions that Draco experiences in canon as opposed to Harry, who I have trouble pinning down in motivations and characterizations other than "typical teenager" and "typical hero-type." Obviously, that's a very 2-d reading of Harry, but he is in a sense an everyman so I feel there is almost a sense of "genericness." I find that most of his story is a story about things that happen to him and rarely things he is actually actively interacting with.

A lot of nonsense in the above, I don't think I had much of a point except that as a writer I find Harry hard to write, and that as a reader, I find Harry hard to capture by most authors as an in character Harry and an interesting Harry. Which is I suppose, why I tend to go the opposite of you. You seem far more comfortable with fanfiction harry than I am.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Actually, when I started out in HP fandom (...long long ago in a galaxy far, far away), I also found Harry mysterious and generic. Mind you, this is largely before I'd read the books and OoTP in particular-- but it's almost impossible to get -any- concrete sense of Harry from most fanfic. So I was pretty 'eh' about Harry, not that I've ever disliked him. I just found him difficult to write with any confidence. And then... OoTP came out.

If you dislike Harry 'cause he's generic, non-angry and lacking a wicked inferiority/superiority complex ('cause Harry has both), reread OoTP. That book blew Harry wide open for me-- he becomes really interesting, snap, just like that. Admittedly very few people can write him IC or even just like -I- see him, but... he has -so- much potential. The idea that he's 'typical' or a 'goody-goody' is one of the most common misconceptions I see in fandom. The boy is much more Slytherin/dark than Draco, much more conflicted, much more dangerous and on the brink of all sorts of unsavory things.

The boy is violent, dismissive, prejudiced, cruel, self-centered, has a pervasive martyr complex, a pervasive father complex, is arrogant, temperamental and so reckless it's ridiculous. That doesn't sound too boring, does it? :> Though I admit most people don't write Harry like that... I just never dislike him 'cause he's usually written sympathetically if generically. And yeah, I've always identified with Draco-- at least in the beginning-- 'cause of his obsessiveness and neediness and frustration. But! In canon, Harry's the one we see being needy, obsessed, frustrated, lost. But my sense for Harry has kind of snuck up on me-- after Sirius died and he started resenting everyone, I suddenly totally -clicked- with him. Though I loved him in GoF also-- in OoTP I just suddenly adored him 'cause omg is he fucked up. Really really really fucked up, way more than Draco. And if you like R/D 'cause they're both angry-- well, Harry's a lot more angry than Ron, by a long shot. Ron sputters, crackles, explodes-- Harry burns fever-hot like metal.

But even when Draco was my predominant character, I didn't read Draco/non-Harry... 'cause part of the definition of Draco, the reason I was -in- fandom, was 'Draco likes/hates/needs Harry'. Without that... he lost his tragic element to me. I think in canon also, Draco is defined by his relationship to Harry in a lot of ways. Without Harry, it's hard for me to even see Draco as a concrete character. He's very much Harry's shadow-- all the things Harry isn't, all the things Harry denies he wants/could become, all the things Harry despises, all neatly encapsulated in one person. They kind of define each other, in a way.

Anyway, I *heart* Harry and can't help going on rhapsodies about him. Sorry about that :))

[firstblush.livejournal.com]

LOL

I do need to reread OoTP but while that book made you like Harry more, it actually made me like him less from what I remember. I think there is a specific type of angry/resentful that I like but for some reason Harry's brand has never done it for me. Perhaps because the books are so Harry centric and the world itself is so harry potter centric that I still found his place not a place where I was could relate or understand. I actually suppose it's because I found harry somewhat self-righteous, hypocritical... ANd yeah, I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I like insignificance. The idea that you can believe a world is all about you but it never is... I don't get that sense from Harry in the HP books because it's simply not that way. Things - huge things - do revolve around him. How much more interesting would the story have been if it was still possibly Neville who the prophecy revolved around. Harry's anger actually annoyed me, and I didn't find him vulnerable so much as offensive and ungrateful.

You're right, he did become a more specific character, but not one I was interested in or related to or even was empathetic too. I found him a spoiled teenager, which is quite typical of that age group, and did JK Rowling capture that period of life's voice well, sure? But I still didn't care for harry. Writing this I realize I sound very silly because here I am using worlds like angry and spoiled and resentful, all of which encompass Harry, but I suppose the root of that anger is something I don't agree with or relate to, and I suppose it wasn't presented ina way that got to me the way it got to you. I don't know how else to explain it except I felt even more turned off by Harry after reading OoTP than your reaction of being turned on.

Actually, I do think that Draco's definition of himself through Harry is key to his character. I *don't* think that a fic needs to be centric to that pairing necessarily for a Draco fic to work. I think it can carry that element of personality without making it sexual.

Anyhow, I really am not sure what I'm talking about I suppose.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Heh-- yeah, these are the sorts of complaints most people (who don't especially like him) have about Harry, so I'm used to it. The only thing that I find an actual misconception and try to disprove is that Harry is boring or typical or 'nice'-- because he's not, and I don't actually think he was before OoTP either, though it was more subtle. I don't think Harry was a necessarily likeable character in OoTP by the usual definition of that term, but then I don't find Draco likeable either. At all. He just makes me want to smack him all the time (well, sometimes I want to giggle at him and pinch his cheek)-- so I don't get stopped by a sense of 'ewww, stinky stupid annoying bastard boy' or anything, if I know where they're coming from. And with Harry, where he's coming from is completely spelled out, so it's easy to see (for me?)

Anyway, I've noticed that people do go for the 'underdog' a lot in terms of characters they like, moreso than any character trait they use to justify it. And it's only if you use Harry's pov that he's the underdog. Well, he sort of is anyway, but... on a more meta level of course he isn't, whereas Ron & Draco are sort of doomed in a way, just as Harry is bound to always win in the end. I think I love Harry not because he's so sympathetic but because he's so meaty as a character-- like, he has all this darkness, all this inner conflict, all this power. And at some point I think I got fed up with Draco, also-- no one has yet written him out believably getting out of the hole JKR has placed him in and really developed him as a character from as-is in canon. That's a nearly 100% failure record, whether or not I love a particular characterization-- and I can't get away from the idea that Draco needs development beyond either canon (like he's sometimes written by say, Miss Breed or Aspen or what have you) or uber-fanon. I want the in-between, the missing link, and there is none. So I'm super-duper bitter, and I believe at some point that's driven me to writing over reading and Harry over Draco, as well as canon over fanon (and at this point, I think it's driven me out of fandom, mostly). It's frustrating, and I admit I'm uber-picky with Draco, but... 99% of the things I like about Draco-fics have nothing to do with canon!Draco, and at some point that started to make me sick. And man, what the fandom does to Ron is almost worse.

I agree Draco's obsession doesn't need to be sexual, of course not-- it's just that I'm super-romantic girl, and if I read a pairing, even a strong non-sexual obsession on the side like that would mess with me and unbalance things. I think my idea of love is heavily biased towards following one's greatest need/focus-- and it's not that it's sexual, it's more that whole soulmate idea where you go with the person you're most linked with or you go alone, because otherwise things would be... incomplete, I guess?

I don't think I'm thinking about canon!Draco so much as the way he is if you're going to slash him at all. That's why I'm okay with het Draco pairings (though the problem there is that he's so gay, but what have you). It's pretty meta, in other words. The best illustration would be how I feel about Draco Veritas!Draco-- I mean, I don't think it's slash, so there's no (overt) sexual element, right-- but in my mind, they're so bound together that having either of them get together with anyone else feels... empty, like they're cheating their partner because they could never give all of themselves. So I'd rather neither of them got with anyone. Like I said, painfully romantic :>

[malafede.livejournal.com]

inferiority/superiority complex

And if you like R/D 'cause they're both angry-- well, Harry's a lot more angry than Ron, by a long shot. Ron sputters, crackles, explodes-- Harry burns fever-hot like metal.

I've always identified with Draco-- at least in the beginning-- 'cause of his obsessiveness and neediness and frustration. But! In canon, Harry's the one we see being needy, obsessed, frustrated, lost.

Without Harry, it's hard for me to even see Draco as a concrete character.

*EATS HANDS OMG*

[malafede.livejournal.com]

(and the question is always 'wtf is Harry doing liking Malfoy??!?' rather than 'wtf is Malfoy doing liking Harry', y'know). Is that the canon!whore in me coming out? o_0 I don't know anymore :>

No. ;P

honestly, it's just as wtf for draco as it is for harry. actually i think the whole "harry would never but ohohoh draco so would" mentality is just another consequence of heavy fanon. fanon's great that way and it's not like i wouldn't read any h/d fic where draco was subby enough, but kink isn't canon. :) though i like a lot of yours. except snape. no snape, thanks.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

Man, but Draco's obsession with Harry is why I got into H/D in the first place. Don't ruin my dreams!!
...I still think there's more ground-work already laid with Draco than with Harry. Aaaaand, after OoTP it's even more stark that (in a non-slashy way) Harry cares only insofar as using Draco as a beat-up doll whereas Draco actually has real issues he's obsessed with about Harry.

I don't think I ever believed Draco was already in love/lust or anything, but... he can be written as having this huge crush and being in denial without really twisting canon and Harry... can't. I think?

HEY LOOK, OVER THERE, IT'S MOVIE CANON!!1 :P