the character-stasis issue, symbiotic fanon, Iwaki's dilemma, etc

I was just thinking-- reading a summary of the latest chapter of Youka Nitta's married-couple series ('Haru wo Daiteita') where Iwaki and Katou are always ruminating on what it means to be an actor & how that applies to their relationship-- when Iwaki thought about how 'pointless' (if tempting) it is to compare oneself to others [as an actor] & that he understood this when he 'won against' himself. I think, y'know, this really applies to how I feel about writing, too.

Usually my sense of satisfaction in writing comes from the feeling that I've addressed something I thought was fascinating within my thoughts (about canon, characters, etc) or intense within my feelings (this could have any source & use fanfic as an outlet, so that 'H/D' is really 'The Default Couple' I play with). This is my default, but that's because I'm a hermit-- I think it's really almost impossible to escape when part of a community.
    I mean, yes, I felt purged when various conversations & ideas I've had about H/D came together & I wrote that Sectumsempra fic (even though I really couldn't stand the idea of most HBP AUs). It's such a release when things finally percolate and combust forcefully inside your mind to produce a fic out of nowhere, with the right push at the right time. My sense of pleasure is purely personal, feeling I've painted one more corner of my inner H/D cosmos, unrelated to the fact that objectively I think the fic is sloppy, somewhat emotionally overwrought & incomplete :P

    Anyway, I was just skimming a few of the holiday-comm H/D fics & recent stuff on hd_prophet, and it was pretty depressing to realize all over again just how out of sync I am with fandom (prompting a sense of guilt for writing 'just for myself' 'cause this means I don't communicate the differences/ideas I find important & try to get them out there too).
    ( *sigh*/ramble/etcetc... )