[those emo losers... gotta love them... heh...heh...]

You know, I think a large part of why I have these extreme highs and lows in terms of H/D fandom is because I used to actually have ambition about H/D fanfic, of all things; oh, and I've had ambition about nothing else for years now. That just sounds so -ridiculously- pathetic, but it's true. It's an odd thing to realize-- I mean, most people don't exactly have true ambitions about fanfic, right-- but I think that's exactly what it was. Possibly that's why I just can't bring myself to be as inspired as I once was-- it just seems too small and drab and little now that fandom has largely moved on (if indeed I was ever on a similar wavelength to most shippers, which is unlikely), and more importantly my friends have moved on, and there's HBP, and... I've come down from ambition to nostalgia, of sorts, a kind of careful wistfulness about the fire that -was-.

From the very beginning, I saw this challenge-- this difficulty of the pairing itself, of how rarely it's written believably, of how much work one would have to put in to make it make sense-- all of this I saw as a call to -action-. So basically, -not- achieving it became a greater failure on my part and on others' part than just not writing a pairing the way I wanted it-- it became a sort of greater disappointment, another proof that some things just couldn't be done, which I never wanted to believe.

( *facepalm* )

~~

Today, pretty much the whole day, I've wondered what sort of post to make 'cause I felt like chatting. Well, about 30% of me felt like chatting, the rest felt like reading manga (I mean, if I STOP, then I just feel bereft, y'know-- I TOLD YOU, told you I have some experience with pleasure addiction... I know that of which I speak, etcetc... should I be proud of being more addicted than thou??!). But anyway, I also thought about reviewing my favorite yaoi mangas, 'cause my favorites have shifted, but there's this overwhelming apathy in terms of... well, no one really caring. And in the end, I'd only explain why -I- like them, not why you would. Eh. I miss the days of my pitas page where I listed links and things for my own pleasure alone ^^;

Also, I have no idea how to get people to talk to me, and also I always regret it if people -do- talk to me en masse 'cause then I'm hideously distracted from... reading manga. I really like the word 'hideously'. And also 'smex'. And also 'badass' (that's like, one of my alltime favorites). A person truly badass can really do no wrong in my mind. Yes, I'm that bad (but no ass--> *groan*). Then, being me, I start thinking about whether I therefore value attitude over intelligence. It's a hard choice. I'd say intelligence, but intelligence is really so limp without the right attitude. So I dunno. And attitude so limp without intelligence, I might add.

I really love my icon. It's a character from Sex Pistols who only really reminds me of Draco in this one panel, but he's adorable-- I love high-strung easily set-off emotionally distant and repressed (yet wildly needy) basketcases so much ♥ Omg, I never before realized it's a -type-!! Just like Yamazaki from Koiga, just like Hiro from Junjou Romantica, just like... er... Draco??! AHAHAHAHA. Oh, it always comes back to that ♥

...I think I've also just described the modern intellectual loser boy. *CRIES* (As soon as I realize this, I have the urge to start taking back everything I said about liking them and reassure everyone-- especially any phantom loser boys in the audience-- that I don't like them at all, not at ALL, so stay away! STAY AWAY!!1) -.-