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reenkaYou know, I think a large part of why I have these extreme highs and lows in terms of H/D fandom is because I used to actually have ambition about H/D fanfic, of all things; oh, and I've had ambition about nothing else for years now. That just sounds so -ridiculously- pathetic, but it's true. It's an odd thing to realize-- I mean, most people don't exactly have true ambitions about fanfic, right-- but I think that's exactly what it was. Possibly that's why I just can't bring myself to be as inspired as I once was-- it just seems too small and drab and little now that fandom has largely moved on (if indeed I was ever on a similar wavelength to most shippers, which is unlikely), and more importantly my friends have moved on, and there's HBP, and... I've come down from ambition to nostalgia, of sorts, a kind of careful wistfulness about the fire that -was-.
From the very beginning, I saw this challenge-- this difficulty of the pairing itself, of how rarely it's written believably, of how much work one would have to put in to make it make sense-- all of this I saw as a call to -action-. So basically, -not- achieving it became a greater failure on my part and on others' part than just not writing a pairing the way I wanted it-- it became a sort of greater disappointment, another proof that some things just couldn't be done, which I never wanted to believe.
Okay, so I was reading a story in Time about ambition and how to nurture it in your kids and how to prevent the wide-spread loss of it at some point in childhood or adolescence-- and I was thinking, you know, yeah, I too lost my ambition around the age of 14, lost my faith in the future, and never quite gained it back. I was talking to hownovel about why she quit shipping H/D and she said some interesting things about how challenging and difficult it was, and how everyone messed up and basically it was too much effort. And, you know, that sort of thing really inspires me, because the one thing I cannot stand is people -not- realizing that they -have- to give that effort to the things they do for love even moreso than money, either be willing to give that effort or quit. And in that sense I respect her quitting, because at least it's honest. And... yeah, I realize this is me taking things too seriously, but I can't help but care about the things I care about, right? I just happen to care about this, and why should I have to censor myself?
On some level, I just want everyone to make that extra effort about the things that matter to them. And I figure, you know, if you write a story in the first place, it must matter to you. Or at least it gets to me when the widespread evidence is that it -doesn't- matter to the overwhelming majority. Or maybe I just have this totally disconnected idea of importance and a sense of perfectionism totally out of line with the nature of my actual goal-- like, in other words, who the hell cares if one wrote the Ultimate(??!) H/D Fic. People outside the pairing would laugh. Most people who read it would forget and move on to 'lesser' endeavors. The only thing it'd be good for is fueling that sense of self-satisfaction, providing more fuel for ambition, I guess. And actually, I've always looked down on ambition in the sense of greed for achievement (which I see as too relentlessly materialistic), at the same time as the idea of that 'fire in the belly' enthralls me, and I consider it one of the basic definitions of self-identity: that question of what do you want translating into what do you want to pursue.
In a lot of ways, it's not about H/D at all but rather the notion of using these characters to tell a story about defying destiny, desire and self-transformation. It's a (really good) prop. And that's why I can't let go of finishing my novella even when I have no energy left-- it would just be too much of a defeat.
All of this set me to wondering about whether it matters what one's ambition is about, and how apathy is really the enemy here; apathy and the blind pursuit of pleasure (wish-fullfilment).
I wouldn't be so down on OOCness and characterizing fics entirely for self-gratification and all that if this notion of One True Character or the truth of a character or idea wasn't the only thing I could hold up against the overwhelming tide of addiction to pleasure that always threatened to drown me in a sort of mindless apathetic haze. It's like, all those people who talk about 'owning women's pleasure' or whatever as an excuse to write Batman crying in his hankie, that's what they don't get-- that pleasure can swallow all ambition, all meaning, all truth so easily, and in the end all that's left is a sort of negative time-- moments not worth remembering, time spent unthinkingly, blindly, carelessly, until you wake up and realize it's 2 weeks later, 2 years later, 10 years later, and still and yet nothing has happened.
~~
Today, pretty much the whole day, I've wondered what sort of post to make 'cause I felt like chatting. Well, about 30% of me felt like chatting, the rest felt like reading manga (I mean, if I STOP, then I just feel bereft, y'know-- I TOLD YOU, told you I have some experience with pleasure addiction... I know that of which I speak, etcetc... should I be proud of being more addicted than thou??!). But anyway, I also thought about reviewing my favorite yaoi mangas, 'cause my favorites have shifted, but there's this overwhelming apathy in terms of... well, no one really caring. And in the end, I'd only explain why -I- like them, not why you would. Eh. I miss the days of my pitas page where I listed links and things for my own pleasure alone ^^;
Also, I have no idea how to get people to talk to me, and also I always regret it if people -do- talk to me en masse 'cause then I'm hideously distracted from... reading manga. I really like the word 'hideously'. And also 'smex'. And also 'badass' (that's like, one of my alltime favorites). A person truly badass can really do no wrong in my mind. Yes, I'm that bad (but no ass--> *groan*). Then, being me, I start thinking about whether I therefore value attitude over intelligence. It's a hard choice. I'd say intelligence, but intelligence is really so limp without the right attitude. So I dunno. And attitude so limp without intelligence, I might add.
I really love my icon. It's a character from Sex Pistols who only really reminds me of Draco in this one panel, but he's adorable-- I love high-strung easily set-off emotionally distant and repressed (yet wildly needy) basketcases so much ♥ Omg, I never before realized it's a -type-!! Just like Yamazaki from Koiga, just like Hiro from Junjou Romantica, just like... er... Draco??! AHAHAHAHA. Oh, it always comes back to that ♥
...I think I've also just described the modern intellectual loser boy. *CRIES* (As soon as I realize this, I have the urge to start taking back everything I said about liking them and reassure everyone-- especially any phantom loser boys in the audience-- that I don't like them at all, not at ALL, so stay away! STAY AWAY!!1) -.-
From the very beginning, I saw this challenge-- this difficulty of the pairing itself, of how rarely it's written believably, of how much work one would have to put in to make it make sense-- all of this I saw as a call to -action-. So basically, -not- achieving it became a greater failure on my part and on others' part than just not writing a pairing the way I wanted it-- it became a sort of greater disappointment, another proof that some things just couldn't be done, which I never wanted to believe.
Okay, so I was reading a story in Time about ambition and how to nurture it in your kids and how to prevent the wide-spread loss of it at some point in childhood or adolescence-- and I was thinking, you know, yeah, I too lost my ambition around the age of 14, lost my faith in the future, and never quite gained it back. I was talking to hownovel about why she quit shipping H/D and she said some interesting things about how challenging and difficult it was, and how everyone messed up and basically it was too much effort. And, you know, that sort of thing really inspires me, because the one thing I cannot stand is people -not- realizing that they -have- to give that effort to the things they do for love even moreso than money, either be willing to give that effort or quit. And in that sense I respect her quitting, because at least it's honest. And... yeah, I realize this is me taking things too seriously, but I can't help but care about the things I care about, right? I just happen to care about this, and why should I have to censor myself?
On some level, I just want everyone to make that extra effort about the things that matter to them. And I figure, you know, if you write a story in the first place, it must matter to you. Or at least it gets to me when the widespread evidence is that it -doesn't- matter to the overwhelming majority. Or maybe I just have this totally disconnected idea of importance and a sense of perfectionism totally out of line with the nature of my actual goal-- like, in other words, who the hell cares if one wrote the Ultimate(??!) H/D Fic. People outside the pairing would laugh. Most people who read it would forget and move on to 'lesser' endeavors. The only thing it'd be good for is fueling that sense of self-satisfaction, providing more fuel for ambition, I guess. And actually, I've always looked down on ambition in the sense of greed for achievement (which I see as too relentlessly materialistic), at the same time as the idea of that 'fire in the belly' enthralls me, and I consider it one of the basic definitions of self-identity: that question of what do you want translating into what do you want to pursue.
In a lot of ways, it's not about H/D at all but rather the notion of using these characters to tell a story about defying destiny, desire and self-transformation. It's a (really good) prop. And that's why I can't let go of finishing my novella even when I have no energy left-- it would just be too much of a defeat.
All of this set me to wondering about whether it matters what one's ambition is about, and how apathy is really the enemy here; apathy and the blind pursuit of pleasure (wish-fullfilment).
I wouldn't be so down on OOCness and characterizing fics entirely for self-gratification and all that if this notion of One True Character or the truth of a character or idea wasn't the only thing I could hold up against the overwhelming tide of addiction to pleasure that always threatened to drown me in a sort of mindless apathetic haze. It's like, all those people who talk about 'owning women's pleasure' or whatever as an excuse to write Batman crying in his hankie, that's what they don't get-- that pleasure can swallow all ambition, all meaning, all truth so easily, and in the end all that's left is a sort of negative time-- moments not worth remembering, time spent unthinkingly, blindly, carelessly, until you wake up and realize it's 2 weeks later, 2 years later, 10 years later, and still and yet nothing has happened.
~~
Today, pretty much the whole day, I've wondered what sort of post to make 'cause I felt like chatting. Well, about 30% of me felt like chatting, the rest felt like reading manga (I mean, if I STOP, then I just feel bereft, y'know-- I TOLD YOU, told you I have some experience with pleasure addiction... I know that of which I speak, etcetc... should I be proud of being more addicted than thou??!). But anyway, I also thought about reviewing my favorite yaoi mangas, 'cause my favorites have shifted, but there's this overwhelming apathy in terms of... well, no one really caring. And in the end, I'd only explain why -I- like them, not why you would. Eh. I miss the days of my pitas page where I listed links and things for my own pleasure alone ^^;
Also, I have no idea how to get people to talk to me, and also I always regret it if people -do- talk to me en masse 'cause then I'm hideously distracted from... reading manga. I really like the word 'hideously'. And also 'smex'. And also 'badass' (that's like, one of my alltime favorites). A person truly badass can really do no wrong in my mind. Yes, I'm that bad (but no ass--> *groan*). Then, being me, I start thinking about whether I therefore value attitude over intelligence. It's a hard choice. I'd say intelligence, but intelligence is really so limp without the right attitude. So I dunno. And attitude so limp without intelligence, I might add.
I really love my icon. It's a character from Sex Pistols who only really reminds me of Draco in this one panel, but he's adorable-- I love high-strung easily set-off emotionally distant and repressed (yet wildly needy) basketcases so much ♥ Omg, I never before realized it's a -type-!! Just like Yamazaki from Koiga, just like Hiro from Junjou Romantica, just like... er... Draco??! AHAHAHAHA. Oh, it always comes back to that ♥
...I think I've also just described the modern intellectual loser boy. *CRIES* (As soon as I realize this, I have the urge to start taking back everything I said about liking them and reassure everyone-- especially any phantom loser boys in the audience-- that I don't like them at all, not at ALL, so stay away! STAY AWAY!!1) -.-
